empty again

Ellie,
Today I feel empty again. I sat in church feeling like something was missing the whole time. I should have a car seat on the bench next to me, a baby in my arms, and a diaper bag on the floor. Later at home your dad and I were watching TV. He looks over at me and says "did you just need something to hold?" I realized I had grabbed the blanket from off the couch and wadded it up into a ball and was squeezing it to my chest. I realized that I did need something to hold and I had subconsciously grabbed that blanket. I felt like I was trying to stuff it into my chest to fill the hole.
I got really bored tonight. I finished a project I had been working on and sat down with nothing to do. So, I did the laundry. Your dad offered to do the dishes and I let him. Later I wished I hadn't because again, I had nothing to do. It's hard for me when I find myself with nothing to do because I usually spiral into depression. I'm having a hard time enjoying things. My family is coming tomorrow for a few days. We have lots of activities planned. I'm hoping it can be a good, enjoyable distraction. I'll keep you updated.
Love,
Mom

Dreams

Ellie,
I've had a couple, I guess you could call them scary, dreams. They were a little disturbing. My friend whose baby died dreams of her baby. She's even dreamt that her baby was all grown up and they were talking. I wish I could have a dream like that. A vision of you. Your dad always makes fun of me because my dreams are so detailed. He says I could write books or movies based on my dreams.
Last week, I can't remember if i've already told you this or not, but last week I dreamt that I was in church. A man was sitting behind us from our old ward back in New Mexico. He leaned forward and said "didn't you guys have a baby". I turned around and whispered in his ear "yes, but she died". He couldn't hear me. I kept having to say it louder and louder until finally I was screaming in the middle of church, "MY BABY DIED". That was quite possibly the worst dream i've ever had.
Last night I had another dream. Your dad and I were standing outside. There were a bunch of other people there. All of a sudden people started pointing at the sun and talking nervously. I looked up and could tell immediately that something was wrong. The sun went black then exploded. I knew instantly that we were all going to die. It was the end of the world. I turned towards your dad and hugged him. Then I just started saying your name over and over. I knew we only had seconds to live and I wasn't scared. I was ready. I knew it wouldn't hurt. Then I would get to be with you. I was happy.
One of the ways that people try to comfort me is by saying that I will get to be with you someday. I will get to see you and raise you. But, I don't want to just be waiting for this life to be over. We are here for a reason and I want to live my life. I would rather live it with you but that's not a possibility right now. I want to live and be happy. I don't want to look forward to the next 60-70 years passing quickly. (I'm not going to speed up that process, don't worry, i'm not that depressed).  I want to be able to enjoy the life that I have. I don't want it to be ruined by constantly mourning you. I do anticipate the time that I can see you again. But I need to learn to move on with the life that I have and enjoy it as much as possible. I do anticipate seeing you but I also anticipate seeing any brothers and sisters you may have here on earth. I want to live that dream.
I do love you very much. I know I will get to see you again. I need to accept the fact that it's not going to be for a very long time.
Mom

Ellie,
I'm doing a little better today. I don't want you to worry about me. I did get really low last night. I finally had Dad give me a blessing. I knew I needed it. It was and amazing experience. He always gives the best blessings. I think it's one of his gifts. It was long, longer than my patriarchal blessing, and it was very spiritual. I was kind of hoping he'd come right out and promise me that I would have kids that I could raise here on earth, but of course things don't really work that way. Not for me at least.
Talking to your dad always helps anyways. He's always able to make me feel better. It helps that usually he's up when i'm down. That's why it was so nice the other that I was up when he was down. It doesn't usually happen that way. It felt good to be able to help him out for a change. We ended up making a late night run to Smith's for snack food. Which, I know I shouldn't be comforting myself with food, but that's a completely different discussion.
I'm just so confused because I have good days. I have days where I don't have to force myself to be happy, where I truly am happy. I have days where think "wow, i'm not sad today". So, why am I back here to being really down? Right now i'm really hoping it's just PMS hormones. I did some research on postpartum depression. I seem to have all the symptoms right now but not all the time. Only sometimes. And how do I know if it's depression or if i'm just sad because my baby's dead?
I really am doing better today, I know it doesn't seem like it, but I am. Today I just need to do what I want to do and not force things. I'm going to get Dad to clean up today. The thank you card will wait and who cares if I made a complete mess on the kitchen table with all the scrapbooking stuff. I decided that is just too hard for me to deal with right now. The last thing I need right now is a trip down memory lane. Today i'm going to veg in front of the TV. Maybe go for a walk. I like walking. We went on a walk last night and I enjoyed that.
With all the comfort I felt last night after your dad gave me a blessing it still doesn't change the fact that I miss you terribly. I know the plan, I know i'll get to see you again, but with my limited mortal perception of time and space it seems so long and far away. I can't wait to see you. I love you.
Mom

heavy heart

Ellie,
I found myself not wanting to write today. I'm so disappointed that i'm having a bad day. Disappointed in myself I think. I never really understood what the term "heavy heart" meant until today. My heart actually feels like it weighs a ton today. I have been so amazed the last 8 weeks how emotion can manifest itself as physical pain. It truly makes me believe in the mind body connection. I am so down and depressed right now. I cried earlier like hadn't cried in a long time. You know the kind where you curl up in a ball under the covers bawl into your pillow. Dad keeps offering to give me a blessing. But, it's just a bad day. It will pass. I was just disappointed that I was back here. I think it might be hormonal. Maybe i'm just PMSing. I always get depressed at that time of the month.
We got to babysit again today. That did help me. I really enjoy holding that baby. It's nice to play house for a few hours. I think what really got me down was working on the thank you cards again. It is taking me so long to get them done because it's so hard. But I so want them to be over with.
I also decided to work on scrapbooking again. I was going through pictures and things I have kept over the last couple years. It was a heart wrenching project. I came across Christmas cards congratulating us on our pregnancy, baby shower cards, fathers and mothers day cards, lists of baby names, and various baby and pregnancy related keepsakes. Going down memory lane was hard. I remembered a happier time when we were happily expectant of your birth.
I wonder now if I was just naive to expect things to work out. Will I ever be that happy again? I will never have that blissful pregnancy. I will always be nervous for future pregnancies. Even if the pregnancy works I will be so worried about SIDS. I have met so many mothers who lost their babies to SIDS. When will it end? Will I ever feel safe? Will I ever not worry about my kids. I guess the answer is no. Good parents do always worry about their kids. I know my mom still worries about me.
I guess I should take comfort in the fact that I don't have to worry about you. Yes, you are gone but you are safe. You will never know temptation or pain. You will never get sick or get stood up on a date. You will never have to know the pain of losing a child. I don't know what it's like on your side of the veil. I imagine that you are happy.
I love you.
Mom

Dad

Ellie,
I'm doing better today. I slept in really late. Maybe that's what I needed, more sleep. Now i'm keeping myself busy cleaning. I may even go in to work today for a couple of hours. It's weird though because Dad seems to be having a worse day today. It breaks my heart to see him down like this but at least we aren't both down. It's nice when at least one of us is up. It doesn't happen very often that both of us are having bad days but it when it does happen it's pretty bad. We were planning on going to the temple later but I don't know if that's going to happen now. It depends on if your dad is able to come out of his funk.
I love you.
Mom

Unknown quote

"The best way to have heaven in your home is to have someone from your home in heaven."

Bookshelf

Ellie,
Oh goodness I miss you so much right now. I went to a SHARE meeting tonight. I do like going, it is very helpful. It is good to tell our story and hear other people's stories. I think we do help each other out quite a bit. Nobody except Christ can know exactly what we are going through, but the other people at these meetings have gone through similar experiences and know much better than anyone else on earth right now. It's also nice to have my feelings validated. I don't feel like as much of a freak because I know other people are feeling and experiencing similar things. But, when I get home it's so anticlimactic. I realize that all i've done is open up that wound again and the pain is back. The last few days have been pretty good, but tonight the hole in my chest is back. It is healing. It's not as bad as it's been before and I think every time I open it up it does heal a little. But right now it just sucks. I'm depressed and I want to do self destructive things. I guess i'm not too bad. I'm not going to go knock over a 7-11. About as self destructive as I get is eating a big bowl of chocolate ice cream. But, when i'm trying to lose weight to be healthier for the next baby that seems like a big deal to me. So, now on top of everything else I feel guilty for eating the ice cream. It was no sugar added at least.
As i'm sitting here trying to go to bed I'm looking at my bookcase. On the top shelf I have What to Expect When You're Expecting and What to Expect the First Year. Next to those books, which are painful enough to think about right now, I have When Hello Means Goodbye, Running with Angels, and Gone Too Soon. How depressing. I did enjoy the last two but When Hello Means Goodbye upset me so much that I threw it across the living room when I tried to read it. I like reading these books and reading blogs and other stories online about people's baby loss, but again it's like opening up that wound every time. It's good but hard at the same time.
I wasn't going to write tonight because I had already written once today but I really needed to talk to you. I just really wish you were here. I'm putting off going to sleep because I know once I lay may head down on that pillow i'm going to cry. It just hurts too much. I miss you. I love you. Maybe i'll see you in my dreams. You are always in my heart.
Love always,
Mom

babysitting

Ellie,
Today we babysat a little baby that was born 3 days after you. I know it seems crazy but it wasn't as hard as you might think. It was a little sad but I was glad to actually have a use for all of the baby gear we have. The cradle we got was a little different and we werent' sure how it would work. To our great pleasure it worked great. The baby that we tended today really liked to be held. The longest she slept though was in that cradle. We tried the crib a couple of times but that didn't work out as great. We also got to use our monitors and the bouncy chair.
It was a good trial run for us and the cat. She did well. She was curious and actually a little protective. She was always very concerned when the baby would cry. She was fussing for a bit and we didn't pick her up immediately because she was still sleeping. But the cat would walk up to us and look at us like "why are you still sitting there?"
Part of me really wanted to pack everything up and run away to Mexico with that baby. But, I know i'll get to see her again, and as much as I love holding her she's not you. I love her but that mother-baby bond just isn't there with us. It does cure our empty arms a bit but it's not like having you there.  It is a little surreal to me that if you hadn't died i'd be taking care of a baby like that all the time. I loved having her but it was nice to pass her off to her mom after 9 hours. Having her around did tie me down a little more than I had expected. I'm not sure I would have been ready for that, but I guess I would have been. I would have made it work.
I think we might babysit again on Thursday. I am really looking forward to it. As they were leaving the baby's 6 year old sister said that she wanted to come and live with us. That made me happy. The kids like us. We would have been good parents. We will be good parents. I'm very grateful to have gotten this opportunity. I'm grateful that she trusted us to watch her kid even though we don't technically have much experience. It was fun.
Love,
Mom

Ellie,
Sometimes I just can't stop thinking about you. I didn't get to sleep until 4am last night. I just couldn't stop my mind from racing. I thought about you, I went over every detail of the pregnancy and the short time I had with you, and I planned for the future. We are so ready to be parents. We have been spending quite a bit of time with some friends of ours. They have a beautiful family. I love helping them with their little girls and watching your dad play with them. We are even babysitting their baby tomorrow. It's hard sometimes though to leave and come home to our empty apartment and our slow, not chaotic lives. We still have over 4 months to wait before we can start trying for another kid. Sometimes, and I know this is horrible to say and maybe a little inappropriate to talk to my daughter about, but sometimes I wish for a mistake. I know logically it would be bad medically for me and the baby to get pregnant again so soon after a Cesarean but it seems so long to wait. It won't happen anyway, it would require divine intervention. I'm just impatient. I just feel like i'm in a rut that I can't get out of. I just wish you were here. I love you baby girl.
Mom

Sunday Will Come

This is an excerpt from a talk given by Elder Wirthlin. They mentioned it in Sunday School today and I had to look it up. It's message is especially poignant to me right now. It's short a short video and very beautiful.

Sunday

Ellie,
Today was actually a pretty good day. I actually went and sat by somebody in Sunday School. I chose to sit by a lady who had also lost children. I even participated in the lesson. I did cry a little bit but not as much as usual. I did still find myself avoiding eye contact with people. I didn't feel like smiling at them but I didn't want them to think I was rude by scowling at them. A man in Sunday School said something that really meant a lot to me. He said, "adversity binds us together. When someone is suffering, people rally around them." That is so true. I know your dad and I have grown much closer through all of this. We have really felt our ward rally around us too. There were many people still today who gave us words of encouragement. They haven't forgotten us or what we are still going through. I will always think of this ward fondly.
I love you always,
Love, Mom

good day

Ellie,
Well, I haven't cried yet today. If I make it 45 more minutes will be the first day since you died that I haven't cried. I still get sad and I did get a little teary eyed a couple of times but no tears spilled over. I actually feel like I need to do something to myself cry. I don't feel guilty for not crying but I do feel like I might not be a good mom. I had another mom tell me that after her baby died she cried every day for a year. I feel like I have to do that too. Like, if I don't cry every day for a year than I'm not sad enough. I know that's not true though. I still thought of you quite a bit today and I still miss you. I am still sad that you're not here. I've really felt the past few days that part of our family was missing. I even paused for a second thinking I should be doing something like checking on the baby. I had planned on being a mom and having a little one at this point. I should have a baby to check on. You should be here. It sucks that you aren't.
Well, I haven't cried yet. Only 25 more minutes to go. I think i'm going to make it.  I love you baby girl. I wish you were here.
Love, your mama

Quotes by Pamela Hansen

A few quotes that were meaningful to me from a book i'm reading:

"The tears come and go, life goes on, happiness returns and joy can be found, and all the while, these children remain ever=present in our hearts."


"Realizing that there are some things in life over which we have no control can be difficult, but accepting that concept is fundamental in dealing with challenges."

The next few quotes just describe so well feelings and emotions I have experienced:

"I was amazed that life was continuing even though my world was breaking apart."


"Now those challenges seemed easy, as we considered our baby daughter's survival."


"Although the events of that morning would forever change our family's lives, they were routine in the life of a doctor."


"As we lowered (her) casket into the ground, I had feelings that surprised me. I knew that her spirit was no longer in that little body, and yet I will recognize it as a beautiful masterpiece...It was as if I had spent months shaping a beautiful work of art, only to bury it, where no one could enjoy it. It felt devastating."


"Emotional burdens can make any problem more difficult because they diminish our ability to think clearly or focus on a solution."


"Our faith would continue to be tested. I wondered if we were just extremely slow learners."


"For days afterward, I felt physically and emotionally empty. I couldn't remember ever feeling such an actual hollowness as I did then. The void seemed to permeate my soul. Although (she) had never taken a breath, I had felt life from (her), and I still ached for this child."


"I had a clear understanding of the eternal plan, but I still couldn't help wanting (her) back."


"It was difficult seeing women have successful pregnancies, although I was genuinely thrilled for them."


"Now I have to admit, it was nice not to feel so sick, although I would have traded that good feeling in a heartbeat for the pregnancy, even it came with the nausea."


"When those babies died, part of me died too."


I know that there are a lot of quotes here. I started reading this book and just ate it up last night. I couldn't put it down. Her loss and trials are more than I could imagine dealing with. She describes the experience much better than I ever could.

Pictures

Ellie,
I've got a picture of you on my desktop on my work laptop. Yesterday in my meeting at work we had to bring our laptops. I know a few people saw your picture. I could see them giving it long sideways glances but nobody said anything. I think they were uncomfortable looking at a picture of a dead baby. It is just so unnatural. Nobody said "oh is that your baby" or "she is beautiful". I don't blame them. Before all this happened I would have been uncomfortable looking at dead baby pictures. I remember when we were in the hospital waiting for you to be born and your dad and I were deciding whether or not to do pictures of you. I thought it was really weird and neither of us really wanted to do it. We looked at the brochure and thought the pictures were very well done but they were still dead babies. The nurse told us we should do the pictures and they would be available for us if we wanted them but we didn't have to look at them if we didn't want to. She said they've had people come a year later to pick them up. So we decided to do it and I am so glad we did. It was really hard at first to look at your pictures. It still is I guess but not as bad. When I opened up my laptop this morning a little pang went through my heart when I saw you.
Your dad and I were talking about this yesterday. He says that it wouldn't bother him now to look at other people's pictures of their dead babies. I hate that that is something that we have gotten used to. There are so many people that have had to go through this, I had no idea. Everyone I talk to has known someone who lost a baby. I had no idea there was so much pain in the world. So many people who are now used to looking at pictures of dead babies. So sad.
Mama love you Ellie girl.

Work

Ellie,
Well, I went to work today. I had quite a bit of anxiety about it but it turned out okay. I wasn't planning on going back at all until August 10th but I decided to go in today for a meeting and to see how things were going in my classroom. It was hard at first because everyone wanted to hug me and ask how I was doing. I cried a little. But, soon I got into it and I think people got used to seeing me. Work ended up being a good distraction. I don't start back teaching until the 15th so i'm just going to go in whenever I need something to do. I really being organized. It will make me feel good to get things organized and set up for the new year. So, it will be good for mea to ease back into it. I don't think I can go back tomorrow but maybe next week sometime. Time has flowed slowly for me right now. I think once work starts things will move more quickly. I can't imagine how things would be different if you were here right now.
I love you,
Mama

Ellie,
This depression has come over me the last couple days. I think it's because we moved the furniture back yesterday. I hate the way things are right now. Your things are stuffed in a closet and pushed to one side of the room. I was the one who was pushing to get things moved back. I thought it would help to have a purpose for that room again. It does have a purpose now. It's just not the purpose I wanted it to be.
I was reading a book the other day where a character was in the hospital. I had such a hard time reading that chapter. I kept getting flashbacks. I think it's like PTSD. I don't remember everything from my time in the hospital but comes back to me in flashes. It is all such a horrible memory. I keep trying to picture the same scenes but what I hope it will be like next time, with a live baby. How will it be different? I'm worried about the surgery again. When will I get to hold the baby? Will I be able to breast feed? No matter what happens it won't be you. And what if it happens again? What if we lose the next one? I'm not even worried about not being able to get pregnant again. That used to be my biggest fear. But now i'm terrified of losing another child. I don't think we could handle it again. That would be it. I know we would never try again. My heart aches too much. We were at our breaking point this time around and instead we got stronger. But I don't think we could survive it again. We would break. It's almost scary enough that I don't want to try again. Almost. I need a baby. I need to be a mom. I just miss you so much.
i love you,
mom

Ellie,
I had a very productive day today. I got up late but then I got right to work and did the dishes I hadn't done all weekend. I couldn't stop cleaning so I cleaned the whole kitchen and living room. By then dad had gotten up and started moving the office stuff back into your room. When you were coming along we moved our office into our bedroom and made you a nursery. We left your crib up because we didn't want to have to take apart and put together that beast again. But, everything is going back in and we rearranged the bedroom back to the way it was before with some minor differences. Things will never go back to the way they were before. You have changed our lives permanently and there are reminders of you everywhere. Moving things back today was very emotional. The worst though was when I came across a picture frame I had given your dad that said Daddy's Little Girl and had an ultrasound picture of you in it. He loved it when I gave it to him and we planned on keeping that on his desk and updating as you grew. What do I do with it now? Now it's just lying down on my desk with no place to go. Do I put it back on your dad's desk the way it is, do I put a picture of you in it, or do I save it for a future baby girl? I don't know what will be easiest for him?
We also went to the doctor's office and got my paper signed that says I can go back to work. It was hard going back there again. I didn't imagine myself going back there until we were pregnant again but I had forgotten to bring it to my appointment on Friday. I talked to my boss about it and she wants me to come in to some meetings on Wednesday. I am ready to go back to work physically but i'm not sure about emotionally. I've had a great deal of anxiety today about it. My tummy hurts again. I know I will have to do this eventually I just hadn't imagined it being so soon. I haven't prepared myself properly yet. Maybe it will be good for me to ease back into it.
I don't know baby girl. Some things just really suck right now. I have been blessed in so many ways because of your passing but mostly it really sucks. I really hate feeling that knot in my stomach that I feel right now. It will get better. I need to do something fun to distract myself. Maybe we will go and see a movie again.
I  love you so much. I wish you were here.
Love from,
your mama

Walking

Ellie,
I've developed a new love for going on walks. I love getting out in the fresh air, watching birds and people, looking at plants and flower, and holding hands and talking with your dad. We've been trying to find new places to walk. We found a trail around a park that we really like. We've been going there but since today is Sunday we decided to keep it simple and just walk around the apartment complex. Today has been a pretty good day. I've felt pretty strong and happy today. I thought it would be hard because we were going to a friend's baby blessing in a different ward. But, it was good to go and support them. However, for some reason walking around the apartments triggered the hole growing in my chest again. I think it's because it's the same route we used to take when I was pregnant with you. I remember your dad was so protective of us. He would always make sure to hold on to me any time we had to go down any steps.
There isn't much I can do right now to move on with my life. School doesn't start for another month and we can't try to get pregnant for another 4 1/2 months. Your dad has had difficulty finding a job in his field but I think he has found something else to work towards. I can't do much right now to move on. The only thing I can think of is getting myself in better physical shape before my next pregnancy. The doctor said if I lost 30-40 pounds it would greatly increase my chances of getting pregnant and even help me have a healthier pregnancy. I was hoping to lose 50 before we started trying again but I don't think that's going to happen because i've only been able to maintain my weight recently. However, considering all the crap i've eaten lately I think that's pretty good. I am getting better at buckling down. I think once I get back on track i'll do pretty good. It would help if people would stop bringing me cookies :)
I love you, and think about you all the time. I'm not trying to move on and forget  you. I could never forget you. You have changed my life and perspective permanently. You will always be my little girl.
I love you.
Mom

Ellie,
I decided today that just because I cry doesn't mean I'm having a bad day. I am having a great day today. I've been very productive and I didn't even have to force myself to do it. I did five loads of laundry including the bedding and all the towels. I did a load of dishes, made cookies, and went shopping. In the laundry was a blanket of  yours that had gotten dirty when I was putting stuff away in your room. As I took it out of the hamper and folded the tears started pouring unexpectedly. Some things like that will just set me off. I decided to let myself cry but not to let it ruin my day.
I've finished my cleaning for the day. Now we are headed to your Great Aunt Melissa's house for some more fun in the sun and her pool and to have a barbecue. I did cry and I'm crying a little now but I can still have a good day. I really miss you and I don't expect that will change but I can still enjoy my life.
Daddy and I decided yesterday that we are going to take a family picture. We don't have any professional pictures of us since our wedding eight years ago. We've been meaning to do it then when we knew you were on the way we decided to wait until we can include you. We will include you. I'm sure the photographer will think i'm crazy holding a stuffed, musical elephant but you will be with us so I don't care.
I love you little girl.
Mom

A Still Birthday

Ellie,
Here is the song daddy wrote for you. It's a little bitter sweet.
http://www.acidplanet.com/artist.asp?PID=1416237&T=8724
Love ya.

Ellie,
I shouldn't write only when i'm upset. People have been worried about me. I had my last doctor's appointment this morning. He was asking me how i've been coping. I told him I am still sad a lot, I cry every day but I can be happy. I am happy sometimes. I'm not always sad. I love to think about you and look at your pictures. You did bring joy to my life, not just pain.
This was my last doctor's appointment associated with you and the pregnancy. I was nervous about going back. There are so many memories there. Doing this last appointment was like closing a chapter of my life. I told the nurse if I didn't love them all so much i'd have to change doctors. They are just so nice there. The nurse gave me a big hug and told us how much they have been thinking about us and how sorry they are. My doctor has been wonderful. They did do some blood tests and tested the placenta. There was nothing wrong with you. You were perfect. You didn't have an infection or any chromosomal problems. There was no reason for you to die. In a weird way though that really comforted me. There wasn't anything that I could have done differently and there isn't genetic disorder. It was just a fluke. For some reason it just wasn't your time. It really wasn't my fault. He also said that the chances of this happening again are very small. I know I will worry for the next pregnancy but I do have the knowledge that there is nothing i'm predisposed to.
I haven't prayed much since you were born. I was talking to your dad about this the other day. I haven't had much to say to Heavenly Father. I've been worried that I would say something I would regret. Your dad explained that while he is God he is also my Heavenly Father. He understands that I am upset. So, he and I had a good long talk yesterday. It was very comforting. I've really been enjoying reading my scriptures. I've been reading in Job and studying about the atonement.
I love you Ellie. It's still hard but I am getting better. I didn't cry at all at the doctor's office today. I am really looking forward to going to see the last Harry Potter movie today. I do good if I can get out of the house everyday.
I love you baby girl,
Love,
Your mama

Ellie Marie Rinehart Headstone Fund

I've had requests for more information on this from people who are not on facebook.

For those who wish to donate, please make check payable to"
Ellie Marie Rinehart Headstone Fund
Beehive Federal Credit Union
65 South Center Street or P.O. Box 40
Rexburg, Idaho 83440

Ellie,

I wish I could check off the stages of grief in a checklist and be done with them. I hate this cycling through the stages over and over. Tonight i'm back at the "why did this have to happen?" stage. I'm happy sometimes but it's nothing compared to how happy I should be right now. We were watching a movie tonight where a main character dies. This is one of my favorite movies and I always get sad when he dies but I guess i'm just fragile enough right now that it really affected me. I sat on the couch watching with tears pouring down. After he dies his friend kneels beside him and puts his hand on his chest to feel his heart. It reminded me of watching the doctor searching for your heartbeat. Looking at the ultrasound and seeing your heart still was easily the worst moment of my life. I was a little worried that they couldn't find your heart beat but seeing your heart still made mine break. I told your dad tonight that it is amazing how one little person who never even lived could give me the best moment of my life and the worst moment of my life. Two moments I will never forget are the moments where the test said pregnant and the moment I saw your still heart.

I can't believe I don't have you to hold. I always knew it was a possibility but I never really thought it would happen to me. This is the kind of thing that only happens to other people. Why do I have to be the one that has to deal with this? I wish you were here. It's not fair that I can't have you. I just love you so much. I will always be loving you.

Love,

Mom

Ellie,

I'm not doing so hot today. It's weird because I went to bed feelings so peaceful and I woke up in a good mood today. Last night we went to another SHARE meeting. There were different people there this time so we got to hear their stories. I didn't do very good sharing ours. It was like I just wanted to get it over with. Their stories broke my heart. There is so much pain. The topic for discussion was children's grief. I really didn't want to go to the meeting because I knew I wouldn't have any children to discuss. It ended up being good because we got some ideas on how to still include you as part of our family even though you're not here.

I got home last night and felt really close to you. I felt like you were really near and comforting me. It was on odd feeling. It was stronger than i'd ever felt before. It was so comforting. Today I just feel like i'm in a rut. I do the same thing every day and I don't have much important to do. In a way i'm really looking forward to and dreading work starting again. It's going to be hard to go back there but I think it will be good for me to have something else to do and something else to focus on.

Before you were born we bought you an elephant that winds up and plays music. As I was cleaning up your nursery I just stuffed that elephant into a drawer with all of your other stuff. We got this idea at the SHARE meeting last night and decided that we are going to have the elephant represent you in all of our future family pictures. Maybe that is what made me feel close to you last night.

I love you baby girl,

Love,

Mama

Thank You Notes

Ellie,

I am constantly amazed at how supportive my friends and family have been. Today I sorted through all the cards that people have sent us. The "congratulations" cards got all mixed up with the "with sympathy" cards. It was a heart wrenching roller coaster to sort through them. I was surprised at how many "with sympathy" cards there were. There were a lot more than I remember receiving.

I also have a stack of thank you notes that we wrote for baby shower gifts. We planned on sending them but then you died and I didn't know what to do with them. They all say things like "thank you for the cute outfit, I look forward to dressing her in it". It doesn't seem appropriate to send them now but I do want to thank people. Maybe i'll re-write them all. It may take me some time. It hard for me emotionally and there are a lot to do.

One of grandma's friends set up an account for people to donate to for a headstone to you. With help from family and friends we were able to pay for all of the funeral expenses except the headstone. You have a beautiful place to lie but nothing is marking your final resting place. It has just been out of reach for us. Many people that know your grandparents but not us wanted to do something to help. Grandma's friend set up this account for people to donate to. She is also getting the word out on facebook. What also really amazes me is that friends of mine are posting it on their walls to let everybody they know about the account. We are saving money and grandpa said he would help. We are hoping that we have enough money to get you something nice by your first birthday.

I will never be able to properly thank everyone because I can't possibly keep track of it all. We are truly blessed. I don't consider losing you a blessing but we have been blessed in so many other ways.

We love you. You are loved by so many more than your parents.

Love,

Your mama

Baby Book

Ellie,

I was having a very nice day today. We didn't have much going on today so we mostly stuck around the house. I got some things done and have had fun lounging around. We are going to the last Harry Potter movie on Friday so Dad and I started a marathon with the first movie today. We are going to watch the second later tonight and hopefully get all of them in before Friday.

I was working on getting our new office (your old room) organized. Things were going pretty well. I though I had all of your stuff put away so I wasn't planning on running into anything that would make me cry. Then I noticed in the bookcase was your baby book. Someone had given it to my at the baby shower and I started filling it out with all the information I could. I opened it today and looked through it. I started crying immediately. The information I had put in there was so positive. There is a spot for a picture of me pregnant and space for information about the parents. There are spots for baby shower pictures and info about the shower. All that was already filled out.

Then I came across the page about the delivery and pictures for the new family. I filled in the information I could. Instead of the date we brought you home I had to put the date we buried you. I couldn't even put the color of your eyes because I don't know. Your eyes never opened.

The next pages were for milestones. I cried even harder knowing I'd never be able to fill in the spots for your first steps, pictures of you eating, and your first holiday. I'm really worried about Christmas. I will make a stocking for you but I know I will miss you so much. We will celebrate your first birthday but I don't know if anybody else will acknowledge it. I hope to have enough money by then to get you a headstone.

I miss you Ellie. I really wish we could make these memories. I will always think about you and how my life would be different if you had lived.

Love you so much,

Mom

Ellie,

The hole is back today. I felt it come back on the way to church today. I was excited to go to church today but it made me very anxious. I enjoyed the talks and lessons. I haven't done my calling in a while so it's been nice to be able to go to Sunday School and Relief Society. I just have a hard time around people right now. I want people to know and acknowledge what i've been through but I don't want to talk about it. I really don't like talking about it. One person just said "i'm sorry" and another person just gave me a big hug. I liked that. They didn't ask me how I was doing, they just acknowledged my grief and tried to help me feel better without making me talk about it. Right now talking about it doesn't help.

I'm worried that i'm pushing people away. Dad teaches a Sunday School class so I sat in Sunday School and Relief Society (they are in the same room) all by myself looking at the floor or reading so nobody would talk to me. I don't want people to think i'm rude I just really don't want to have to talk about what i'm going through. I just need friends. I was worried that people in the ward would be offended about how standoffish I have been. But people keep telling us how impressed they are at how we are handling this. They say we are strong but I don't feel strong. The bishopric even says that people comment to them on how impressed they are at how classy we are handling all this. I hope people understand that i'm not rude. At least I don't mean to be. I hope i'm not.

Maybe I need to work on being more outgoing. I don't know. What is an acceptable time to grieve. At what point are people around me going to start think "geez get over it already"? For some reason my whole life i've been really worried about people thinking that i'm a wuss. Even in the hospital I was worried about asking for more meds because I didn't want the nurse to think I was a wuss. I know who's to say what the right amount of time to grieve is? And I shouldn't care what people think but for some reason I do. I know it sounds crazy but I do.

I miss you Ellie. I don't imagine that will change any time soon. I miss you a lot.

Love ya,

Mom

Ellie,

Well, I found that if I can get myself out of the house I end up having a pretty good day. We had so much fun celebrating your grandpa's birthday. I love being with family. They are so fun, I did find myself wishing you could have gotten to know all of them. They were all so looking forward to meeting you. You would have loved them.

Dad and I were talking tonight about how protective we are going to be of our future kids. Even after they are born we are going to be so nervous about them. I don't think it would have been so bad if we hadn't recently had those friends who lost their 3 month old. Dad was saying that he will never feel like we are in the clear because we thought we were in the clear with you. We joked that our kids will have to live in a bubble and they will hate us because we will never let them out of the house but at least they will be alive. It reminded me of the movie Finding Nemo.

Tomorrow is Sunday. I am already getting a little anxious and nervous about going to church. I really need to go because I have so enjoyed being able to go to Sunday School and Relief Society. It has been so good for me and I feel that I really need that extra uplifting. But, I feel guilty that I haven't done my calling since you were born ( I like to say since you were born instead of since you died, it just feels better). But, the thought of going back to do that calling really panics me. There are too many kids in primary. I just don't know if I can handle. I definitely know I can't handle going in to nursery.

I'm also nervous about talking to people about what we've been going through. It's still hard. Going to church just brings out so many emotions. I always cry all through Sacrament Meeting then I feel embarrassed for crying so much. It's hard too to see all the happy families with their kids and babies. We so want to be one of those families. We are still just the two of us. A young married couple that's not so young anymore.

It will be good for me to go. I always feel so much better after going. We need to get our recommends renewed anyway. I will think of you the whole time.

Love you,

Mom

Ellie,

I guess it was too much to hope for to have three good days in a row. The past two days I've woken up feeling good. I did cry at some point both days but for the most part I was feeling up. Today I just woke up feeling down. I'm just on the verge of tears and it doesn't take much to push me over the edge. The day isn't turning out like I wanted it to and I'm sitting here with tears pouring down my face. It's stupid, I'm just so fragile right now. I need to keep myself busy. I haven't been busy enough this morning. I guess I should go find something to do. I don't know what to do. My kitchen is immaculately clean, all the laundry is done, I can't vacuum. I can sweep the porch. That will keep me busy for about 5 minutes. Maybe i'll clean the bathrooms again. My apartment is too small. I don't have enough cleaning to keep my busy. Maybe i'll wash the sheets today. See, I can find things to do.

I just miss you so much. If I had you here i'm sure I wouldn't be looking for things to do. I need you. I'm really paying today for holding that baby yesterday. My arms feel emptier than ever.

I love you always,

Mom

Ellie,

Today I held a baby for the first time since you died. A baby girl born three days after you. It was hard, I won't lie. I didn't cry while I was holding her. I thought I would. I actually enjoyed it more than I thought I would. It helped with the empty arms for a short while. I got choked up when I was dad holding her. He would be such a great dad. You would have loved him so much. I always had more confidence in him being a dad than I did in me being a mom. A little later I fed the baby and she fell asleep in my arms. I found myself constantly checking to make sure she was breathing. I felt like I was jinxed. Why were these people letting me hold their baby when I had already let my own die? What if I killed this one too? I can't imagine how over protective i'm going to be if I ever get pregnant again.

Most of the day was pretty good. I woke up feeling okay again this morning which I thought was a miracle. I'm waiting for it to hit like a ton of bricks. I had to keep myself very busy this morning but I got a lot done. I even finished packing things away in your room. We haven't moved the furniture yet but everything is packed. I did fine with that until daddy put the lid on the last storage container and put it away. Then he closed your closet and he held me and I cried.

Most of the afternoon I spent with my friend helping her prepare and throw a bridal shower. It was really good to get out of the house, and again, keep myself busy. I met a lot of people at the shower that I didn't know. It was weird being around people that didn't know what i've been through the last 5 weeks. I felt this need to tell them my story. I don't know why. You'd think I wouldn't want to talk about it and i'd enjoy being around people who didn't question me about it. But for some reason I felt like I needed to explain it to them because for now this experience is defining me. I don't know if it's a permanent change but that's who I am right now. I don't want them to think I'm usually a sulky person who doesn't smile much. I'm just going through something.

I really appreciate these friends we've been hanging out with today and yesterday. They've been good to get us out of the house and thinking about other things. They have three little girls of their own but they have a very good balance of being sensitive of our feelings but not talking about it all the time. They don't treat us any different, which is nice. It's hard for people to have that perfect balance of acknowledging the crap we are going through but not treating us like we are made of glass.

I missed you so much to Ellie. I thought of you the whole time I was holding that little baby. What would it be like to be able to hold you right now? I may never know that feeling. It did help my empty arms for a time but it's so different when it's somebody else's kid. It's just not the same. I miss you, I love you.

Mom

Quote

The deeper the sorrow that carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Joy and sorrow are inseparable. ~Kahlil Gibran

Good day

Ellie,

I had a good day today. We hung out with some friends, saw a movie, I made chocolate chip cookies, and Dad and I went on a walk. I was pretty happy overall but there were still things that brought me tears. But that's okay. I can handle more days like this. I don't mind the occasional sadness that comes when I see a picture of me pregnant or when I see a cute baby at a restaurant or when I think of pushing your stroller in the park. What I don't like is the overwhelming grief like I felt yesterday. Occasional sadness I can endure and I know will always happen. I will never stop missing you and loving you.

Love,

Mom

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. -Psalms 30:5

Peace

Ellie,

Peace does eventually come. I have my ups and downs. It's just that when i'm in the downs it seems so dark and hopeless down there. It may hurt a lot but it doesn't last forever. I watched about 5 episodes of Eureka all cuddled up on the couch and ate whatever I wanted. Now i'm curled up in bed reading. I wouldn't say i'm better and I know this feeling won't last forever but I can say that I feel better than I did before. I'm sure i'll have another breakdown tomorrow or maybe tonight but I wanted to let you know that right now i'm okay. I don't know if these letters reach you in any way but it makes me feel like I am communicating with you and I don't want you to worry about me.

Your mommy loves you.

P.S. Your daddy seems to be doing better right now too. The grief comes in waves. He loves you so much.

searching

Ellie,

I keep searching for something that's not there. I check my email a million times a day and i'm obsessed with going to get the mail because I keep hoping that there will be something there that will make everything okay. I don't even know what i'm looking for. Do I expect you to answer these letters that I send you?

I go to store after store and shop online looking for something that I will never find. I'm looking for something that will fix the hurt inside. I'm looking for something that will make me happy again and I can't find it. I know money can't buy happiness but i've sure tried lately. Your dad has tried too. He oftentimes tries to buy me things to make me happier. And, I guess, for a few minutes they do. But there is not enough money in the world to buy me what I really want.

I have totally stressed myself out today trying to find a solution to this problem. My stomach is in a knot that I have never felt before. I feel a panic attack coming on. I've felt all day like i'm on the verge of hyperventilating. I cried so hard earlier that I almost threw up. I feel like puking now because my stomach is so tied up. I keep trying to find a solution to this problem. What do I do? Where do I go from here? How do I move on? I feel like I lost you and if I keep looking maybe I can find you.

It's been particularly rough today because your dad is down too. Usually we've been able to lean on each other. When one is down the other is up. Today it's been a struggle to help each other. I think i've been trying to move too fast. I expected now that it's been a month that I would be able to move on. I've been trying to force myself to move on. I had no idea it would be this hard. Who knew that a tiny person who was never alive outside of the womb could have such a profound effect on the world. Everything is different now. It hurts. I miss you. I want you with me, you are supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be able to hold you whenever I want to. I'm not supposed to cry all the time. Going to the movies didn't distract me as much as it used to. When i'm home I want to be gone and when i'm gone I just want to go home. I guess i'm still searching. Searching for something to make me happy, but I will never find you. I will never get to hold you. Will I go on searching forever? That's what it feels like. I don't see an end in sight today. I guess I need to stop trying to fix it right now. One step at a time. Get through this moment and move on to the next. Breathe in and breathe out. Put one foot in front of the other. I hope I will get through this eventually. I don't want to forget you I just don't want to hurt anymore.

I love you,

Mom

Are you there?

Ellie,

A friend of mine was reading a book and came across a section she thought might help me. I was reading it last night and it told of a woman who had lost her son. This woman could not imagine her life going on without her son and became very angry with God. She desperately desired for some sign from her son that he was all right and that he was there. Every time something happened that reminded her of her son she was made even more bitter because she just focused on the fact that he was gone. The author went on to say that this woman didn't even consider that those little reminders was her son trying to make a connection with her.

This was very eye opening to me. I don't know if it's true or not but i'm going to start thinking like that. Every time I come across something that reminds me of you i'm not going to be sad and only dwell on your absence. I'm going to think of it like it's you reaching out to me letting my know that you are okay and that you are near. Like this woman i've often craved confirmation that you are near and that you are happy.

I love you and can't wait to get these little signs from you all day today.

See you later baby girl,

Mom

Coming Home

Ellie,

This morning I was telling your dad that now that your one month birthday has passed I feel like we are leaving you behind. For some reason I felt so strongly like we were leaving you behind. We spent almost a week and grandparents house. We had such a wonderful time. It was really hard coming home. I felt it as soon as we started driving away. I knew I would be coming home to a million reminders of you and what life could be like right now. Your poor dad had to put up with me stressing myself out the whole way home. I felt like he was getting tired of listening to me but he says he's just worried about me because I make myself so upset stressing out about things.

Coming home was even harder than I had imagined. It was like my heart was breaking all over again. I felt as if I had a wound that was healing and now it's been cut wide open again. I thought I had gone through the apartment and gotten rid of everything that would remind me of you. But I think to really do that I would have to move and get all new stuff. The crackers in the pantry made me cry because I used to eat those in my first trimester when I was so sick. Doing laundry made me cry because I remember washing all your little clothes getting them ready for you to wear.

Everywhere I look and everything I do reminds me of you. It's going to take me some time to heal up these wounds again. I just love you so much. I miss you so much and I miss what my life could be like right now. I'm not going to be able to go back to the way things were before. Everything is different. I am different. I am a different person now. You have changed me. I guess I just need to make sure this change is for the better. I will ponder on how this experience can change me into a better person.

I love you so much baby girl,

Mom

Ellie's Video

Here is the video of the pictures we took of us and our little Ellie Marie in the hospital shortly after she was born.

1 month

Ellie,

Today is your one month birthday. We sure partied for you today. We started off with biscuits and gravy for breakfast, a great time at the craft fair with your great aunt Jennifer, I bought new sandals, we had ribs for dinner, watched Independence Day, played croquet, ate s'mores, and your uncle Thomas gave us a great fireworks show (along with all of the neighbors).

I miss you more than you can imagine. My total perspective on life has changed. I'm not mad about it like I was lost night, just sad. I wish you could have been there with us today. There was a neighbor girl sitting on Grandpa's lap and joking around with him during the fireworks tonight. I really wish you could do that someday. You would have loved your grandparents. They are fun people.

We are going back home tomorrow. It's time to go but it's going to be hard getting back to reality. I miss you too much. How different are lives would be if you had lived. I'm a planner. I like to prepare for things, to plan and organize. In the back of my head I always worried that there might be something wrong with you or that you wouldn't make it but I never planned for it. I wasn't ready for it.

I love you. Happy one month birthday.

Love always,

Mom

Circles

Ellie,

Yesterday was a weird day. I woke up okay then while we were getting ready for church I noticed that your dad was having a rough day. It hit us all in sacrament meeting (Grandma and Grandpa too) that yesterday would have been the day we would have blessed you. I had always planned on that being the day because I knew that you would most likely be born in June sometime and that the 3rd would be the first fast Sunday. Your uncle Jon and his family were even planning on coming that weekend. So, of course I bawled in sacrament meeting which was embarrassing and that put me in a weird funk for the rest of church.

After church it took me some time but I eventually had a really great evening. We had steaks for dinner and Grandma bought stuff for s'mores. Then we all played a fun game of croquet. It was your dad's first time playing and we had a great time. Dad and I watched a movie and went to bed late.

For some reason while I was going to sleep I started to cry and it ended up being the hardest I've cried in a long time. It was like since I've had such a good day I had to pay for it by hurting more later. I told your dad that it's like when I'm happiest I also feel the saddest later. Grandpa would describe it like the ocean. It's not like I'm making progress in one direction or the other. It ebbs and flows like a wave on the beach.

Your dad was already asleep and it took some time before my crying finally woke him up and he comforted me. I should have woke him up earlier because he's always able to comfort me and I feel better. As it was my crying took me to a place that I am ashamed of now. I got mad at God and started mentally yelling at him. I demanded to know why. I wanted an explanation. The cliche answers weren't good enough for me. He doesn't need you as an angel he has plenty of angels. And why would he need you and not someone else's. If this is part of the plan then the plan sucks and I demand a rewrite. If God answered this railing I was giving him I wasn't in a place where I could listen. My own mind was yelling too loud to hear.

I know that God will not try us beyond what we can handle. When your dad finally woke up I told him that God was wrong. He had given me more than I could handle, I wasn't strong enough for this. And if God was wrong, if he'd made a mistake than he would cease to be God. So, there was no God. I told this to your dad and I thought he'd be shocked by what I was saying but all he did was hold be closer and say "I love you."

Then I acknowledged that no, I know there is a God, I can't deny that. So then I started saying that he doesn't love me. If he did then he wouldn't have done this to me. A parent who truly loves me wouldn't put me through this. Then I started feeling guilty. I'm not good enough. He has tested me and I've failed. He doesn't need to test me any more because I'm a failure. I've acknowledged that and accepted it. Again, your dad just held me and quietly reassured me (or, he was too tired to do anything else, I felt a little like the Savior with the apostles falling asleep while he was suffering in Gethsemane.) He did what was right and knew I just needed to work through these emotions.

I'm disappointed in myself this morning. Now I have some more repenting to do. I'm sure i'll get better at this grieving thing eventually. I want to get to the point where I feel sad that I miss you but i'm able to live a normal life. I'm sure there will still be times when I cry for the loss of you but I want to get to the point where I don't feel that pain inside. I don't want to feel that hole that eating away inside of me. I hope I can get to the point where I stop asking 'why' and I don't get mad at God anymore. Sometimes I feel like other women are better at this than me. I read about grieving and I read stories of what other people go through and they don't blame God. Why am I so weak? Job says of God: He is wise in heart, and mighty in strength: who hath hardened himself against him, and hath prospered? (Job 9:4).

I love you baby girl. I don't know why God took you away from me and I may never know. Your death seemed so senseless. I may never get over the loss of you.

Love, Mom

Blessing

Ellie,

Today is the day, if you had lived, that we would have given you a name and a blessing in church. Needless to say it's been a rough day for your dad and I. There are so many hopes and dreams I had for you that I will probably continue to think of the things we could have been doing with you my whole life. I not only mourn your death but I mourn all of the lost moments. Usually when a person dies we remember all the times and memories we had of them. In our case we will mourn all of the memories we don't get to make with you.

I will always love you and continue to think of you always.

Love, your mama

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning. -Psalms 30:5

Quote from a friend

"My cousin always tell me that God never gives you more than you can handle. I always tell her I wish God didn't trust me so much."

muscles

Ellie,

It is 9:45 pm and I haven't really cried all day. I've had tears in my eyes a couple times. I've been trying to figure out why today was different from yesterday. I think maybe emotions are like muscles. I still feel all the emotions of missing you and longing for your but it's almost like i'm building up muscle to carry the burden. Sometimes my muscles are weak, like yesterday. And sometimes I push them too hard and don't let myself cry, then all of a sudden it becomes too much for me and I collapse under the burden.

We did have a great day today. I did think of you often. It is impossible to go anywhere without seeing babies and happy families. I was telling your dad that I really am ready to be a mom and have a family. I would have loved to be one of those moms toting around their children and all their gear. I would love to be pushing a huge stroller through a crowded gift shop. I wish I could worry about snacks, sunscreen, and keeping the kids from running off.

I worried that if I got pregnant really soon it would be like I was replacing. I realized today that this is not the case. I was just so ready to move on with my life. Grandpa told me today that it is amazing how life has changed the last for weeks. I replied that it's amazing how much life hasn't changed the last four weeks. Everything is back to the way it was before you came. I want the family life. I want to be a mom with snotty noses to wipe and diapers to change. I'm so ready for that.

The doctor said we can't try to have kids for 6 months. My body needs to heal. I told Dad that if I had it my way we would try right away. He, of course is logical and responsible. He reminded me that I need to heal. He also worries about money and wants to have some of the medical bills paid off from when you were born. Sometimes I wish he weren't so practical. Why can't he be so emotional like me? I guess it's good if one of us is smart.

I love you Elliephant. I'm looking forward to going to church in a different ward tomorrow. Don't get me wrong, I really love my ward and they have been so good to us, but I'm hoping i'll get less pitying glances and questions about how I am doing. I don't like lying and telling people i'm doing fine.

Love ya lots,

Mom

Happier

Ellie,

I'm having a much better day today than I was yesterday. I wish I knew why so I could make sure this happens everyday. I haven't even cried yet, not even in the shower. I can't figure out why today is better, maybe it is hormonal.

Yesterday started off really rough then got better with the distraction of going to Bear World. I did get kind of sad when we saw the baby deers and the baby bears. But the bear cubs were so cute I soon began to enjoy them. As we were getting ready to leave I saw a mom holding her baby. I could have ignored it and been fine except the baby was wearing an outfit that I have for you. The tears came fast. I was embarrassed but my family was very supportive. Then grandpa bought me fudge and that fixed everything.

Today we are going to go have a picnic and see some waterfalls. You are always in my heart. I will think of you. I always feel close to you when i'm enjoying the beautiful things that our Father in Heaven has created.

I love you baby girl,

Mom

Miscarriage

A friend of mine wrote this poem when she lost her baby a few years ago.

The Miscarriage 9/19/05

You are the size

of an eyelash

they told me

a tiny shell

vacant

in my womb

I have to wait

for the familiar

shudder

the ball of muscles

letting you go

cleaning house

making room

for another try

and then

I will be empty again

The tomb was empty

too...

and hope is still

alive

while that door stands

open.

-RK

Before I formed thee in the belly I knew thee; and before thou camest forth out of the womb I sanctified thee. - Jeremiah 1:5

Mom?

Ellie,

Getting out of bed this morning seems almost more than I can handle. I spend all my time thinking about you and now I even spend all night dreaming about you. It is so draining. But when I find myself not thinking about you I force myself to. I start looking at pictures of you or at your movie.

Everyone keeps reassuring me that I am a mom now. Like that is supposed to make me feel better. I don't really feel like a mom. I think of my friend who just had a baby. She is a mom. Moms are supposed to feed their children. Moms are supposed to be able to hold their children, change their diapers, talk with them, and help them grow up. I can't do any of that. All I can do is cry. I feel so empty. I feel like it's just me and your dad. If i'm a mom we are supposed to have a kid with us. Something is missing.

Missing you.

Love, your mom