Ellie,
I haven't written in a while because I knew if I did then I'd spill the beans on being pregnant and we were trying to keep that quiet. Well, the cat's out of the bag I just wish we had better news. It's just not going to work out.
We first started to suspect that we were pregnant around the beginning of April but it took almost a week to finally get a positive pregnancy test. That was pretty stressful. The not knowing was really hard. When we finally found out I was happy. Not nearly as happy as I was when we found out we were expecting you though. Things are tainted now. I don't think I will ever be that happy again. I'm a little more jaded now.
Soon though I found peace. I felt like this was a blessing, a gift from God. I felt like you were happy for us and that this would heal us in more ways than we could imagine. We told our family on Easter. It was the perfect symbol of rebirth and a wonderful way to celebrate the resurrection. They were so happy for us. It was a great day. I'll never forget their smiles and their tears in their eyes. We finally had hope. We called the doctor and set the appointment.
We had to wait 4 whole weeks before we'd get to see you. It was plenty of time to get really worked up about it. By the week of the appointment I was a basket case. I was doing everything I could to keep myself healthy.  We had decided to keep it quiet until after the first appointment but there were still a few people we told and I know my parents told everyone in Las Cruces and in Rexburg.
Going to the SHARE meetings and meeting tons of other angel moms has been a blessing for us. The only problem is that i've heard to many storied of how things go wrong that that's all i've been able to think about. I know hundreds of things that could go wrong and they all scared. I knew if I could just make it to that first appointment then things would be okay. I was so nervous. I prayed for the peace and comfort I felt when we first out we were expecting.
So far though this pregnancy was turning out to be great. I kept expecting to get really sick like last time but it never happened. We have everything we need and I was even in better shape than last time. I was better educated. I knew what to expect and what to do. If only we could calm down and just be happy.
The day of the appointment was finally here. We had chosen to stay with our old doctor because we like him so much. It was hard going back there though. It was being in that office at that hospital. We both looked forward to and dreaded the ultrasound. Our last experience with an ultrasound didn't go to great. We met with the doctor, talked about what we are going to do different this time. He asked lots of questions and we planned for the future. Finally it was time to do the ultrasound. I grabbed Bobby's hand and had a hard time looking at the screen. The doctor was having a hard time seeing anything so he switched to the vaginal ultrasound. He searched and searched. I finally looked and could see for myself that there was nothing there. My heart sank. As far along as I was there should definitely be something there. I remember seeing you for the first time and the comfort I felt getting that confirmation, finally seeing you, and hearing your heartbeat. We wouldn't get that this time. The doctor asked us if we had taken a pregnancy test. We assured him we did, about 4 of them actually. He showed us the uterus. He checked both sides but couldn't find anything there.
He left and we were alone while I got dressed. I couldn't talk. It was too much for me to process. I was pretty much speechless until we were almost home. Before we left the doctor talked with us about what could be going on. He is sending in my blood work to make sure I am really pregnant. He would call me later that night to give me the results. There were four possibilities. Either I wasn't pregnant, or I was but it was too early to see anything not he ultrasound, or I was but it was an ectopic pregnancy, or I was pregnant but I was miscarrying.
The ride home was not fun. We needed to eat but I could think of nothing that sounded good. All I could do was sit there. I couldn't talk I was still processing. We finally got the call and he confirmed that I was pregnant. Good, at least there's that. I was able to get pregnant and we weren't having a false positive. My hormone levels were really low which either meant that I wasn't as far along as I thought or that I was miscarrying. I thought that these low numbers meant that it was most likely not ectopic. I thought if it was ectopic I would have high number but they wouldn't be able to see the baby in the ultrasound.  The Doctor wanted me to go do another blood test on Saturday so we could see if my numbers were going up or down. I wouldn't get the results until Monday though. This was Thursday night. I knew I was in for a long stressful weekend.
I went to work on Friday, mostly to keep my mind off of things. Saturday morning I started to bleed. I had been spotting a bit all week but this was different. I knew that any hope I had up until then was gone. It was over. I was miscarrying. I just got back in bed and cried. Bobby held me and finally I had to tell him it was over. I didn't want to go in for the blood test or anything but he convinced me to at least call the office and tell them. I called the answering service and my doctor happened to be on call that day. He said he wanted me to go in and do the blood test so he could confirm that I was miscarrying because then he could give me something to help it along. So, I went in. My doctor called me about an hour afterwards and told me that my numbers had gone down but only slightly. Not enough to confirm that I was miscarrying. Besides that I had only bled just a little bit and it had stopped. He was now worried that I was having an ectopic pregnancy. So, he wanted me to rest this weekend and come in if I was having any pain. On Monday i'm supposed to go in for another blood test. If my numbers don't go down significantly then I may need to go down to radiology and have them do an ultrasound to see if they can find where the baby has attached itself.
So, now i'm stressed again! We went and saw the Avengers to take our minds off of things then we went out to eat. Since then i've mostly been sitting on the couch watching TV and trying to distract myself. We are very discouraged. Dad says he doesn't think he wants to try to have kids again. I get that. This is too hard to go through. I also understand that we feel stuck. We feel like we aren't progressing and right now all we can think of to progress is to have children. It's hard to be in a church of families and not have a family.
I'm trying to reconcile what is going on with that peace and comfort I felt when we first found out we were expecting. Have I ever truly felt inspiration, guidance, or comfort from the spirit if I could have been so wrong on this occasion? I really felt like it was going to work out. This was it. Now it's not. Now we are back to where we were again. I have been dredging up feelings this weekend that I had forgotten about. Feelings that are so painful that I think my mind has blocked the memory to them. When I look back to those days and weeks after we lost you it used to be a dull memory. I remember being sad and hurting but I didn't remember what it felt like. I remember now. I am feeling all over again and I never what it to happen again. But the only way to assure that I will never feel this way again is to never try again. Can I live with that? I don't know. At this point I think I can. It is natural for humans to want to protect themselves but then again it's natural for humans to want to procreate.
Anyway, that's the long version of the story. I will write more and let you know how we are doing. There is much I want to change. I want to start over. I want a whole new life. With Dad of course but in a different place, with different things, a different job, different people. I want a fresh start. I want a redo. I don't think all of that will happen but we are going to think of ways for things to change. I will let you know what we decide.
I love you sweetie. I wish you could be here to give me a kiss for mother's day next week.
Love,
Mom

a few hours

Ellie,
It's amazing how a few hours can really change my attitude. I was pretty upbeat earlier today. I was optimistic, hopeful, and spiritually fed after conference this weekend. Then, my period started tonight. Talk about a turnaround. There was a time, albeit a short time that I was happy to get my period. After I lost you I was terrified that things wouldn't work right again and I would never be able to get pregnant again. It took a few months for things to get going but once they did I was happy to see things getting back into a system. I have never loved my period. What woman does? But there was a part of me that was happy that things worked and that I had this system in place so I could one day have children. When dad and I started trying to get pregnant it was just a monthly reminder that it wasn't working. When I was pregnant with you I loved not having a period. I didn't miss it at all. Now, it's a reminder that i'm no longer pregnant with you and that i'm not getting pregnant either.
I just keep thinking that this time last year I was just starting my third term with you. My third term was rough. I had so much going on and so much to do. I never felt good. I was always tired and sore. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and had to change everything about the way I ate. We were poor and I was stressed about money and taking too much time off of work. I was stressed about getting things ready at work for when I would be gone.
All of that was going on but it was still my favorite time of the pregnancy. I bought all of your cute stuff. I had baby showers and celebrated with my friends. I got the nursery all ready, packed our bags, and had everything ready to go. I got to see you so much. I had so many doctor's appointments and while they were a pain to get to I was glad that I got to see you all the time. You were so perfect. We felt you move so much. I loved feeling you jump around when your daddy walked into the room. I loved it when you would fight the ultrasound techs. I loved talking to you and falling asleep with my hands on my belly. I loved dreaming about what you would be like and counting down the days until I could hold you in my arms. I felt safe. Especially at that last appointment when we saw you practicing your breathing. I knew you would be okay.
Now, there's nothing. I miss carrying you inside of me. Every twitch or gas bubble is a reminder that you're not there moving in me any more. I really hate those phantom movements. Sometimes I could swear you are still in there moving around. But you're not. You've moved on, and I need to too. Dad was wondering the other day about what it would be like to be on the other side and be able to see our loved ones left behind and grieving for them. I don't want to cause you pain. This too shall pass. Not completely. There will always be a part of me missing. Not missing I guess, because I know where you are I just can't be there with you yet. I need to do what I can here to be closer to you. There was a conference talk about that. I will look it up and share it with you. It was about how we can be closer to our loved ones who passed by doing the things here on earth that will enable us to be with them for eternity. I have much to work on Ellie. I will do it for you and for me. I will call on you and the Savior to help me though. It is going to be difficult.
I am really looking forward to Easter this year. It's in a week and I look forward to celebrating the resurrection. The atonement is what makes it possible for us to be together again. I hope that thought gives me the strength I need this week.
I love you so much.
Mom

alone

Ellie,
So, last night dad went to the Priesthood session of General Conference, which I was happy about. I am proud of him for doing what he is supposed to be. I was kind of looking forward to some time alone. Actually I didn't think about it much. Almost as soon as he left though I started getting panicky. It was so weird. I got anxious and upset. I can't figure out why that happened. It's not like i'm never alone or can't handle being alone, but all of a sudden I was so lonely. I was able to occupy myself but there was that underlying anxiety the whole time until he got home. When he is home I don't spend every second with him but I guess it's nice to know that he's there. It felt a lot like it did soon after you passed and I couldn't be alone for quite a while. It was odd because I haven't felt that way for long.
We have felt recently that our anxiety has gotten worse lately. The sadness had been there all along sometimes closer to the surface and sometimes deep down. But, lately we've been feeling more and more stressed out. Dad thinks it's because we are getting closer and closer to your birthday. At this time last year we were buying a crib, having our baby showers, and getting the nursery ready. Your birthday is approaching so fast. Ten months. Almost a year. In many ways it seems as if this year has flown by but it also seems so long ago that I held you in my arms.
This weekend we listened to the General Conference of the church. There were so many talks that seemed to be directed to me personally. As soon as they become available online I will post the ones that struck me.  Dad was saying today that he's not afraid to die. While he's not suicidal or anything he just looks forward to seeing you again. We're both tired of the trials of this life and are excited to be together as a family again.
Love you,
Mom

emotional capacity

Ellie,

A year ago if I had watched a TV show where a baby died it would have been sad. I most likely would have teared up a little bit. Tonight when that happened I completely lost it. I don't have the emotional capacity to deal with that at all. It's not just that though. I have a really hard time dealing with any emotions. All of them are extra strong. No matter if it's happy, sad, mad, or anxious. I feel like a Vulcan losing control of my emotions (can you tell i've been watching Star Trek?). I feel like i'm losing sense of who I am. I've lost my reserves of control. I sometimes feel my reserves filling up and I get stronger and other times my emotions are right on the surface.

I still have a hard time going to church, or any church activities. I often feel like I don't fit in. I don't have a group that I belong to. I don't fit in with the newlyweds or with the families. I have a hard time sitting there with nothing to say while people talk about their kids. If I do bring you up people are polite but it's always awkward. I still go because my faith hasn't changed. It's just hard sometimes. I wish I could be in a ward full of people in my situation. I guess that would defeat part of the purpose of a ward. It's like a family. We are all at different stages in our lives with different experiences and we are there to help each other through our trials. Each person brings something different to the ward based on what they have been through and what they are dealing with. Maybe I should start looking at it that way and think about what I am bringing to the ward based on my experiences. I shouldn't be ashamed to talk about you or feel awkward about it. Maybe someone can benefit from my experiences and what I have learned from them. 

I love you very much little girl. I don't know if you're really little. For all I know you soul could be way older than mine, but you will always be our little girl and i'll always be your mother. 

Love,

Mom

thinking

Ellie,
I usually have trouble getting to sleep. One of my favorite things to do while I am falling asleep is daydream. I used to dream about what it would be like when I had a baby. It was especially fun when I was pregnant. It was real and full of possibilities. I had so much fun picturing you, what you would be like, and what it would be like to have you. I've been having a hard time falling asleep since I lost you because it has been too painful to think about the future. There were many nights I cried myself to sleep. More often now I watch TV or read until I fall asleep. Last night I allowed myself to imagine the future. I started slow and tested the waters. I was surprised to find that it wasn't as painful anymore. I'm sure all days won't be like that but I was happy to have that pleasant daydreaming time.
I really look forward to having another baby. I am excited to be trying right now. It was very emotional for me when my period started last week and i'm sure it's going to be hard every time but i'm excited too. It hit me all of a sudden that if I do have another baby it won't be you. I always knew that, but it really hit me last night. No matter what I do I will not have you in this life. Yes, I will have other babies but it will not be you. You will always be a missing piece from our lives. That is a little overwhelming to think that no matter what I do or how long I live there will always be something missing from my life. I can do things to include you and honor your memory but it won't ever be the same as having you here.
I don't want you to be a continual sad part of our life. I will include you in major events and try to make them happy moments, not sad moments. After all you are our daughter and we are your parents. Whether you are here or not you are a part of our family.
I love you so much baby girl. I miss you.
Mom

Name

Hi baby girl. Things are going pretty good. I miss you a lot. This month has been pretty crummy with daddy not having a job and everything again. I feel a lot of stress. It's hard dealing with losing you and also dealing with the money stress again. I had a really hard week this week. There was some extra stress at work and I really felt like I was going to break. I didn't think I could take it anymore. It was worse that Dad  was really down too. He hates not having a job. It gets him so depressed. We had a couple bad days but then we were able to come out of it.
I was just feeling like i'm not the person i'm supposed to be. I always get like this when I let my scripture reading and praying lapse. I don't know why I don't recognize that and let myself get so far down that dark path all the time. I should always be improving but I feel like most of the time I just swing back and forth like a pendulum. I guess what's important is that in general that curve is going up, and I guess it is. I do feel like I am more in tune with the spirit than I was a year ago.
Anyway, Dad gave me a blessing yesterday and it really helped. I love it when he gives me a blessing. It always helps both of us. I was told not to worry so much about things of this world like work and money. I think I put too much pressure on myself. I need to keep that eternal perspective. I was also told that I will have children while on this earth. That's always a worry of mine. It seems like everyone else around me is having babies and I wonder if I ever will.
I do feel better now. I miss you but I think I understand why you couldn't stay. I already feel like i've learned and grown so much in the last (almost) 9 months. There were a lot of other difficult things to deal with this month. I got your birth certificate in the mail, I ordered your headstone, and closed the headstone fund at the credit union that was set up for you. It feels sometimes like it will never end. I will always have to deal with painful things associated with you.
I was thinking yesterday about how I feel bad that nobody but dad and I knew your name while we are alive. It was fun to keep your name a secret while I was pregnant but then it makes me sad that nobody knew your name until you were dead. I am rethinking that for the last baby. We are trying to get pregnant again. Which in and of itself is really stressful. I am scared to get pregnant and scared to not get pregnant. I hope you are up there preparing you siblings for life on earth.
I love you honey. I look forward to the day we meet again.
Love,
Mom

Ellie,
I think this all wouldn't be so bad if I had a kid. I wouldn't feel so much pressure to get pregnant right away. I'm not saying it's easier for those who already have kids but I do see how it could distract me and take the pressure off a bit. I jus that the not knowing.
Mom

crummy week

Ellie,
This has been a really crappy week and i'm having a hard time being happy right now. I've been pretty down the last few days and i'm having a difficult time shaking it. I do fine usually but if there is any stress in my life I find it really hard to cope. And, this week has been a cornucopia of stressors. One really big one was dad starting a new job and hating it. Life is crazy because a week ago I was so happy and we really thought that we had things planned out with his work situation. He had a good job, we were going to pay off bills, save money, and he was going to back to school then start a new career. Everything was great, we had a plan. But, we learned a long time ago that we make a plan and God laughs. Don't get me wrong, it's good to make plans and God isn't mean. I just shouldn't be so disappointed or surprised when things don't work out the way we want them to. Grandpa did tell us something kinda cool a couple of weeks ago. He told us that sometimes we have to go down the wrong path and hit the dead end so when we do go down the right path we can do it even if it's hard because we know it's the right path. My problem is that we are hitting too many dead ends and having a hard time finding the right path. The last couple of days i've even found myself doubting whether we should be trying to get pregnant again. My heart just isn't in it right now because things are so messed up with us. Not our relationship, that is great. It will take a lot to mess that up. We have been through so much. I just don't know what we would do know if we had a baby. How would we survive? I know I can't wait for everything to be perfect because it never will be but I want to at least feel prepare and have some plan for the future. I really want dad to go back to school but I don't know how we are going to pay for that. I am praying so hard that he will be able to find another job very soon because if he doesn't it might drive both of us completely crazy. Maybe that's the big problem. We've both been having a down time lately and it's dangerous when we are both down. Usually one of us is up and is able to help the other. Grr, how did things get so messed up?
I have to go back to work on Monday and I'm really not looking forward to it. I've had three weeks off and usually I am ready to go back but this time i'm afraid that stress will put me over the edge and i'm going to lose it on a co-worker, or worse, a student. I need to be able to go to work and forget about home life for a while. Who knows, maybe it will help.
I really don't want to go to church tomorrow but I will because I know that's probably what I need most right now. I just have such a hard time with fast and testimony meetings. There's always at least 1 baby blessing (last month there were three!) and the worst part is the family has to get up afterwards and talk about how happy they are that they have this new baby in their family. Last month we had to get up and walk out of sacrament meeting. I guess I will see how I am feeling tomorrow.
Things will get better. They always do. These times always seem so horrible when we are in them but I have to remember that we've had a lot of tough times and we've always pulled through. And, I think we really are stronger for them. I just get down sometimes and think that other people have so much easier lives. It's not even that. I guess I just feel sometimes like I can never catch a break. I've payed my dues now it's time for things to start getting better. This is when I need to sit down and consciously start counting my blessings. Maybe I will do that tomorrow before church to get me in the right mood.
I love you so much honey. I miss you a lot and hope you are doing well.

Love,
Mom