tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-33081814415493061082024-03-13T14:28:12.056-06:00Letters to EllieSharon Rineharthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15605955759322371533noreply@blogger.comBlogger192125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3308181441549306108.post-24548775868987172472014-02-26T15:56:00.001-07:002014-02-26T15:56:48.473-07:00Like a wrecking BallEllie,<br />
I can't believe it's been almost a year since I've written. So much has happened but so little has changed. Mostly I'm doing good. We're struggling with infertility and it really sucks. We're working with the doctor and trying some new things now that I hope will help.<br />
<br />
We had to put our cat down in December and that was really hard for us. She'd been with us pretty much our whole marriage and was a great comfort to us through our grief. We've adopted two middle aged male cats. I've always thought it was odd that people treat their pets like children and I never felt that way with Tiger Lilly but with Hades and Linus it's different. For some reason my relationship with them is more mother-like. It's kind of weird. Maybe I just need someone to be a mommy to and I need to be needed.<br />
<br />
Today I had a strange experience. I've been doing pretty good lately but all of a sudden grief just hit me hard. I was at the store and I saw a little white infant dress and a little white infant suit. My first reaction was astonishment that they would so proudly display infant burial clothes. I soon realized that they weren't burial outfits they were blessing outfits. We buried you in your blessing outfit. I hand made it with leftover material from my wedding dress. A whole new list of regrets popped into my head , some I hadn't thought about before.<br />
<br />
I regret that your daddy never got to bless you. Instead he dedicated your grave.<br />
I regret I never saw you in that dress and that I don't have any pictures of you in it.<br />
I regret that I didn't put you in the dress. I just gave it to the funeral home to dress you in. I hope they actually did it. I never even checked.<br />
I regret that I asked for the casket to be sealed so I wouldn't have to see you.<br />
I regret that if I have another girl i'll have to make another dress. I don't think i'll be able to do it.<br />
<br />
I stood there like an idiot staring at the dress as these stupid thoughts ran through my head. I ran right out of the store and bawled in the car. It's been a while since I've lost it like that. I left and went to another store. It was a while before I was able to compose myself enough to go in.<br />
<br />
I'm glad I sat down and wrote this out. It helps. It really does.<br />
<br />
Love you forever.<br />
<br />Sharon Rineharthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15605955759322371533noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3308181441549306108.post-40960716740476196972013-05-07T18:55:00.000-06:002013-05-07T18:55:12.035-06:00HealingEllie,<br />
The past four months have been very good for us. It feels like the longest healing period of time we have had yet. I feel like I am finally becoming myself again. There are still bad days and weeks of course but I feel like right now I am in the best place I have been since we lost you. Dad and I have decided to be more active in SHARE. It was a difficult decision to make but it has been very helpful for us. It breaks my heart to see the other parents whose losses are fresher than ours. It brings back so many horrible memories. But, it helps me to think that maybe I am able to help them get through their loss. It also helps me to see how far I've come.<br />
I'm not saying the last 4 months have been perfect. We've had our share of problems. Still no baby. We are finally trying again. We waited quite a while after the miscarriage. Every period breaks my heart. We are having fun trying though:) We've had family problems (especially recently) that has been very rough and emotional, but we are getting through it. Don't worry about Dad and I. Our relationship is stronger than it has ever been.<br />
We are also very nervous about the next 4-5 weeks. We know it is going to be rough. Mother's day is on Sunday and i'm just going to try to focus on my mother and how much I love her instead of on how much I want to have you here with me. For memorial day we will go visit your grave. We haven't seen it since last year at this time. I hope it's still okay. I love that you are next to my grandpa but I wish you were a bit closer to home. It's just not as easy to get up there often. Then comes your birthday. It was good last year to celebrate by taking cupcakes to the nurses at the hospital. We will do the same again this year. Finally our rough month will end with Father's day. The anniversary of the miscarriage passed this week but we were so busy with family drama that we didn't really notice it much. That my have been a blessing in disguise.<br />
I'm learning things all the time about this healing process. Life after your loss is different. I was talking to your grandpa about this tonight. Life will never go back to being the same. Even this last week that we spent with my family there was always the thought of you in the back of our mind and instead of joy it brought pain. The sun doesn't shine quite as bright and there is a little less joy. I can feel happiness and joy but I will always miss you. It never gets better, it just gets easier to bear.<br />
I love you so much. I yearn for the day when I can hold you and you close to me forever, never to be parted again. This life is such a short time. I feel comfort in the fact that we will have an eternity together. I also feel so blessed to have an angel for a daughter. You are my strength.<br />
Love,<br />
Mom<br />
<br />Sharon Rineharthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15605955759322371533noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3308181441549306108.post-24097349687565643112012-12-02T11:46:00.000-07:002012-12-02T11:46:16.117-07:00The HolidaysEllie,<br />
The Holidays. Usually my favorite time of year, and I guess it still is but it's not as glorious as it used to be. It is a lot better than it was last year. Last year I just wanted to skip the whole thing. I missed you so much through the time that it was just so bitter sweet. This year things are going a lot better. Overall i'm much happier. I guess it's harder for me to imagine what it would be like to have your around. Every now and then though I despair that you aren't here or that I don't have any children here. We have these traditions that we've created the last 9 years and even new ones we've started. I keep thinking that they would be so much more fun if I had kids to share them with. Christmas really is for children and I think we are missing out on that so much right now.<br />
Thanksgiving was fun. We went up to grandma and grandpa's. I love being around my nieces but it was still hard sometimes. Dad had a lot harder time than he though he would. It's just hard for us sometimes to see what other people have and we want it so bad. I really hope that by next Thanksgiving we will have a child of our own to hold and love.<br />
We are trying to find ways to involve you as much as possible in our Christmas activities. We actually bought a stocking for you this year. It's a little pick one with an 'E' on it. It just makes me sad though that it will never be filled with gifts and goodies for your. Right now it's just hanging there reminding me that you're gone. We also got a couple more ornaments to represent you on our tree. We haven't been able to find the perfect ornament for this year though. We want something to honor the other child we lost this year in the miscarriage, but we haven't been able to find what we are looking for.<br />
I know we will get to be with you again and even raise you, but I don't know how different things will be. Will we get to involve you for real in our traditions? I don't know why that is so important to me. I just want you to have a real experience at life and share in what is important to me. I know people say that our loved ones are with us, especially this time of year but it's just not the same.<br />
I love you and miss you. Merry Christmas my angel.<br />
Love,<br />
MomUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3308181441549306108.post-28095296486517653612012-08-22T15:20:00.002-06:002012-08-22T15:20:28.513-06:00The past few monthsEllie,<br />
The past few months have really sucked but I finally feel we may be coming out of it. I was so angry after the miscarriage. I felt betrayed. I really felt like that pregnancy was a blessing. It was as if Heavenly Father was giving me a gift. It was almost like he was making up for what he took away from us last year. It felt perfect to be able to tell our family about the pregnancy on Easter. After we lost that pregnancy I felt betrayed. I felt like I couldn't trust any spiritual prompting or feeling I had ever had. How was I to know what was real if I was so off base on that one.<br />
The next six weeks were the worst. I ate a lot of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. Shortly after we lost the baby we had Mother's Day, Memorial Day, your birthday, and Father's Day. Mother's Day was rough, of course. I just stayed home all day in my pjs and watched TV. I had extra Ben and Jerry's for that day.<br />
Memorial Day was the first day we got to see your headstone. That was very bitter sweet. I love the way it turned out but it's so hard to see it. I don't think we will go visit it very often. It was so sweet that everybody brought you beautiful flowers.<br />
I took a couple of days off for you birthday.We decided that to honor you on your birthday we would take cupcakes up to the hospital for the nurses. We were so grateful for all of the wonderful nurses we had when we were in there. We wanted to do something special for them. I've never been great at making cupcakes but I practiced a bit and they ended up turning out okay. They were really grateful. We also had Mexican food for you birthday. You seemed to always like it when I ate Mexcian food:)<br />
Father's Day was pretty similar to Mother's Day. We stayed at home and ate ice cream.<br />
It still took a while before I was doing okay. We ended up going to talk to the bishop and telling him some of our concerns. It was amazing how helpful just talking to him was. It got us to the point where we could start healing all over again. I think we were too angry to heal for a while.<br />
We still haven't gotten to the point yet where we feel like we are able to try to get pregnant again. We just want to make sure that we are at a point emotionally, spiritually, and mentally where we can put ourselves through that, just in case we have another loss.<br />
The road will be long. I know it will take more than a day or two but it still gets frustrating sometimes. Still, I think back to this time last year and am amazed at how far we have come. We miss you and still think of you every day but the pain is mostly gone. That yearning is mostly gone. I say mostly only because sometimes it's still there. Sometimes I still have bad days but they are so few and far between. For the most part we are back to life instead of in our mourning version of life.<br />
I'm not dreading the holidays like I was last year. In fact we are really looking forward to the fall this year. Both of us have remarked about how excited we are for fall and for Halloween. I even think Thanksgiving and Christmas won't be as bad as long as I can forget about how I should be having a baby at Thanksgiving time.<br />
I feel that my time writing to you might be winding down. I will leave the blog up but I think most of my thoughts and feelings will probably go in my journal for now on. I love you very much. I will still talk to you. I do all the time anyway. I am sure that I will still write to update you every once in a while.<br />
Love,<br />
MomUnknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3308181441549306108.post-4873718690589953832012-06-29T23:40:00.000-06:002012-06-29T23:40:31.692-06:00Goodbye sucksEllie,<br />
I hate saying goodbye. It's so final. It leaves me with no hope. Many years ago before dad and I were together we were just acquaintances. He told me he was moving to another state and I was sad. He told me that it wasn't really goodbye it was just see you later. Little did I know that would be very true for us. Things didn't work out as he planned and not too long after, he moved back. That is when we started spending more time together and started dating. I wish all goodbyes could really be see you laters.<br />
<br />
Today I said goodbye to another class of students. I didn't think it would be that hard. I love my students but I am excited for them to progress and move on to middle school. It is natural for them and they are ready. I told them that it wasn't goodbye it was just see you later but I know for some of them that is not true. Some will come to see me again but some will move, some won't visit, and some will fall away. My mantle of protection over them has passed but I will always wonder about them.<br />
<br />
Tonight I had a bad reaction to our cat spending so much time with your dad and never really caring about me. Dad was pretty baffled at why I was making such a big deal about it and to be honest I didn't really know why. It has always kind of bugged me that she seems to like him so much more but honestly she's just a cat. As i'm lying in bed trying to sleep I kept thinking about it. What I want most out of life is to be a mom. I want that bond with a child. There is nothing like it. I want to be the one my child runs to when they are hurt or upset. I want to be the one a child comes to for ultimate peace and comfort. With my students I had a small part of that. I wasn't their mom but I was a good substitute while they were at school. They would come to me for comfort when they were injured physically or emotionally. I would hear their problems about peers, school, and family. Breaking that bond with them at the end of this year was harder than it has been in years past.<br />
<br />
Saying goodbye to you last year was hard because I know that really it is see you later but it's a long see you later. I don't know when i'll see you again and wanted to see you soon means wanting my life to be over soon and that seems like such an unnatural desire. And while I do feel that we have that mother-child bond I feel like it's so muted. There is such thick veil between us that I don't always feel the connection. And more often than not I feel like you are the mother and I am the child. I feel like I come to you for peace, comfort, knowledge, and reassurance. I feel like you are a much more mature spiritual being than I am. I feel like I have so much to learn from you. I am so blessed and grateful to be your mom I just wish we could have a really mother-daughter relationship. I miss that.<br />
<br />
I know it's been a while since i've written and i'm sorry about that. The miscarriage last month got me pretty down and I didn't feel like doing anything therapeutic like this because I was so angry and I didn't want you or anyone else to see the extent of that anger. I do feel like the anger has ebbed and I could benefit from writing again. I will try to update you on some of the things I have been feeling the last couple of months. They have been rough and it will be rough to talk about but I think I need to work them out. Here I go using you as my therapist again:)<br />
<br />
I love you sweetheart.<br />
Love,<br />
MomUnknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3308181441549306108.post-33493286354727572312012-05-06T13:43:00.000-06:002012-08-19T08:44:40.791-06:00Ellie,<br />
I haven't written in a while because I knew if I did then I'd spill the beans on being pregnant and we were trying to keep that quiet. Well, the cat's out of the bag I just wish we had better news. It's just not going to work out.<br />
We first started to suspect that we were pregnant around the beginning of April but it took almost a week to finally get a positive pregnancy test. That was pretty stressful. The not knowing was really hard. When we finally found out I was happy. Not nearly as happy as I was when we found out we were expecting you though. Things are tainted now. I don't think I will ever be that happy again. I'm a little more jaded now.<br />
Soon though I found peace. I felt like this was a blessing, a gift from God. I felt like you were happy for us and that this would heal us in more ways than we could imagine. We told our family on Easter. It was the perfect symbol of rebirth and a wonderful way to celebrate the resurrection. They were so happy for us. It was a great day. I'll never forget their smiles and their tears in their eyes. We finally had hope. We called the doctor and set the appointment.<br />
We had to wait 4 whole weeks before we'd get to see the baby. It was plenty of time to get really worked up about it. By the week of the appointment I was a basket case. I was doing everything I could to keep myself healthy. We had decided to keep it quiet until after the first appointment but there were still a few people we told and I know my parents told everyone in Las Cruces and in Rexburg.<br />
Going to the SHARE meetings and meeting tons of other angel moms has been a blessing for us. The only problem is that i've heard to many storied of how things go wrong that that's all i've been able to think about. I know hundreds of things that could go wrong and they all scared. I knew if I could just make it to that first appointment then things would be okay. I was so nervous. I prayed for the peace and comfort I felt when we first out we were expecting.<br />
So far though this pregnancy was turning out to be great. I kept expecting to get really sick like last time but it never happened. We have everything we need and I was even in better shape than last time. I was better educated. I knew what to expect and what to do. If only we could calm down and just be happy.<br />
The day of the appointment was finally here. We had chosen to stay with our old doctor because we like him so much. It was hard going back there though. It was being in that office at that hospital. We both looked forward to and dreaded the ultrasound. Our last experience with an ultrasound didn't go to great. We met with the doctor, talked about what we are going to do different this time. He asked lots of questions and we planned for the future. Finally it was time to do the ultrasound. I grabbed Bobby's hand and had a hard time looking at the screen. The doctor was having a hard time seeing anything so he switched to the vaginal ultrasound. He searched and searched. I finally looked and could see for myself that there was nothing there. My heart sank. As far along as I was there should definitely be something there. I remember seeing you for the first time and the comfort I felt getting that confirmation, finally seeing you, and hearing your heartbeat. We wouldn't get that this time. The doctor asked us if we had taken a pregnancy test. We assured him we did, about 4 of them actually. He showed us the uterus. He checked both sides but couldn't find anything there.<br />
He left and we were alone while I got dressed. I couldn't talk. It was too much for me to process. I was pretty much speechless until we were almost home. Before we left the doctor talked with us about what could be going on. He is sending in my blood work to make sure I am really pregnant. He would call me later that night to give me the results. There were four possibilities. Either I wasn't pregnant, or I was but it was too early to see anything not he ultrasound, or I was but it was an ectopic pregnancy, or I was pregnant but I was miscarrying.<br />
The ride home was not fun. We needed to eat but I could think of nothing that sounded good. All I could do was sit there. I couldn't talk I was still processing. We finally got the call and he confirmed that I was pregnant. Good, at least there's that. I was able to get pregnant and we weren't having a false positive. My hormone levels were really low which either meant that I wasn't as far along as I thought or that I was miscarrying. I thought that these low numbers meant that it was most likely not ectopic. I thought if it was ectopic I would have high number but they wouldn't be able to see the baby in the ultrasound. The Doctor wanted me to go do another blood test on Saturday so we could see if my numbers were going up or down. I wouldn't get the results until Monday though. This was Thursday night. I knew I was in for a long stressful weekend.<br />
I went to work on Friday, mostly to keep my mind off of things. Saturday morning I started to bleed. I had been spotting a bit all week but this was different. I knew that any hope I had up until then was gone. It was over. I was miscarrying. I just got back in bed and cried. Bobby held me and finally I had to tell him it was over. I didn't want to go in for the blood test or anything but he convinced me to at least call the office and tell them. I called the answering service and my doctor happened to be on call that day. He said he wanted me to go in and do the blood test so he could confirm that I was miscarrying because then he could give me something to help it along. So, I went in. My doctor called me about an hour afterwards and told me that my numbers had gone down but only slightly. Not enough to confirm that I was miscarrying. Besides that I had only bled just a little bit and it had stopped. He was now worried that I was having an ectopic pregnancy. So, he wanted me to rest this weekend and come in if I was having any pain. On Monday i'm supposed to go in for another blood test. If my numbers don't go down significantly then I may need to go down to radiology and have them do an ultrasound to see if they can find where the baby has attached itself.<br />
So, now i'm stressed again! We went and saw the Avengers to take our minds off of things then we went out to eat. Since then i've mostly been sitting on the couch watching TV and trying to distract myself. We are very discouraged. Dad says he doesn't think he wants to try to have kids again. I get that. This is too hard to go through. I also understand that we feel stuck. We feel like we aren't progressing and right now all we can think of to progress is to have children. It's hard to be in a church of families and not have a family.<br />
I'm trying to reconcile what is going on with that peace and comfort I felt when we first found out we were expecting. Have I ever truly felt inspiration, guidance, or comfort from the spirit if I could have been so wrong on this occasion? I really felt like it was going to work out. This was it. Now it's not. Now we are back to where we were again. I have been dredging up feelings this weekend that I had forgotten about. Feelings that are so painful that I think my mind has blocked the memory to them. When I look back to those days and weeks after we lost you it used to be a dull memory. I remember being sad and hurting but I didn't remember what it felt like. I remember now. I am feeling all over again and I never what it to happen again. But the only way to assure that I will never feel this way again is to never try again. Can I live with that? I don't know. At this point I think I can. It is natural for humans to want to protect themselves but then again it's natural for humans to want to procreate.<br />
Anyway, that's the long version of the story. I will write more and let you know how we are doing. There is much I want to change. I want to start over. I want a whole new life. With Dad of course but in a different place, with different things, a different job, different people. I want a fresh start. I want a redo. I don't think all of that will happen but we are going to think of ways for things to change. I will let you know what we decide.<br />
I love you sweetie. I wish you could be here to give me a kiss for mother's day next week.<br />
Love,<br />
MomUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3308181441549306108.post-19580700966390097612012-04-01T21:52:00.000-06:002012-04-01T21:52:33.569-06:00a few hoursEllie,<br />
It's amazing how a few hours can really change my attitude. I was pretty upbeat earlier today. I was optimistic, hopeful, and spiritually fed after conference this weekend. Then, my period started tonight. Talk about a turnaround. There was a time, albeit a short time that I was happy to get my period. After I lost you I was terrified that things wouldn't work right again and I would never be able to get pregnant again. It took a few months for things to get going but once they did I was happy to see things getting back into a system. I have never loved my period. What woman does? But there was a part of me that was happy that things worked and that I had this system in place so I could one day have children. When dad and I started trying to get pregnant it was just a monthly reminder that it wasn't working. When I was pregnant with you I loved not having a period. I didn't miss it at all. Now, it's a reminder that i'm no longer pregnant with you and that i'm not getting pregnant either.<br />
I just keep thinking that this time last year I was just starting my third term with you. My third term was rough. I had so much going on and so much to do. I never felt good. I was always tired and sore. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and had to change everything about the way I ate. We were poor and I was stressed about money and taking too much time off of work. I was stressed about getting things ready at work for when I would be gone.<br />
All of that was going on but it was still my favorite time of the pregnancy. I bought all of your cute stuff. I had baby showers and celebrated with my friends. I got the nursery all ready, packed our bags, and had everything ready to go. I got to see you so much. I had so many doctor's appointments and while they were a pain to get to I was glad that I got to see you all the time. You were so perfect. We felt you move so much. I loved feeling you jump around when your daddy walked into the room. I loved it when you would fight the ultrasound techs. I loved talking to you and falling asleep with my hands on my belly. I loved dreaming about what you would be like and counting down the days until I could hold you in my arms. I felt safe. Especially at that last appointment when we saw you practicing your breathing. I knew you would be okay.<br />
Now, there's nothing. I miss carrying you inside of me. Every twitch or gas bubble is a reminder that you're not there moving in me any more. I really hate those phantom movements. Sometimes I could swear you are still in there moving around. But you're not. You've moved on, and I need to too. Dad was wondering the other day about what it would be like to be on the other side and be able to see our loved ones left behind and grieving for them. I don't want to cause you pain. This too shall pass. Not completely. There will always be a part of me missing. Not missing I guess, because I know where you are I just can't be there with you yet. I need to do what I can here to be closer to you. There was a conference talk about that. I will look it up and share it with you. It was about how we can be closer to our loved ones who passed by doing the things here on earth that will enable us to be with them for eternity. I have much to work on Ellie. I will do it for you and for me. I will call on you and the Savior to help me though. It is going to be difficult.<br />
I am really looking forward to Easter this year. It's in a week and I look forward to celebrating the resurrection. The atonement is what makes it possible for us to be together again. I hope that thought gives me the strength I need this week.<br />
I love you so much.<br />
MomUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3308181441549306108.post-65303234911206269122012-04-01T17:14:00.000-06:002012-04-01T17:14:13.253-06:00aloneEllie,<br />
So, last night dad went to the Priesthood session of General Conference, which I was happy about. I am proud of him for doing what he is supposed to be. I was kind of looking forward to some time alone. Actually I didn't think about it much. Almost as soon as he left though I started getting panicky. It was so weird. I got anxious and upset. I can't figure out why that happened. It's not like i'm never alone or can't handle being alone, but all of a sudden I was so lonely. I was able to occupy myself but there was that underlying anxiety the whole time until he got home. When he is home I don't spend every second with him but I guess it's nice to know that he's there. It felt a lot like it did soon after you passed and I couldn't be alone for quite a while. It was odd because I haven't felt that way for long.<br />
We have felt recently that our anxiety has gotten worse lately. The sadness had been there all along sometimes closer to the surface and sometimes deep down. But, lately we've been feeling more and more stressed out. Dad thinks it's because we are getting closer and closer to your birthday. At this time last year we were buying a crib, having our baby showers, and getting the nursery ready. Your birthday is approaching so fast. Ten months. Almost a year. In many ways it seems as if this year has flown by but it also seems so long ago that I held you in my arms.<br />
This weekend we listened to the General Conference of the church. There were so many talks that seemed to be directed to me personally. As soon as they become available online I will post the ones that struck me. Dad was saying today that he's not afraid to die. While he's not suicidal or anything he just looks forward to seeing you again. We're both tired of the trials of this life and are excited to be together as a family again.<br />
Love you,<br />
MomUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3308181441549306108.post-14500890707275128622012-03-21T23:44:00.000-06:002012-03-21T23:44:25.022-06:00emotional capacityEllie,<div>A year ago if I had watched a TV show where a baby died it would have been sad. I most likely would have teared up a little bit. Tonight when that happened I completely lost it. I don't have the emotional capacity to deal with that at all. It's not just that though. I have a really hard time dealing with any emotions. All of them are extra strong. No matter if it's happy, sad, mad, or anxious. I feel like a Vulcan losing control of my emotions (can you tell i've been watching Star Trek?). I feel like i'm losing sense of who I am. I've lost my reserves of control. I sometimes feel my reserves filling up and I get stronger and other times my emotions are right on the surface.</div><div>I still have a hard time going to church, or any church activities. I often feel like I don't fit in. I don't have a group that I belong to. I don't fit in with the newlyweds or with the families. I have a hard time sitting there with nothing to say while people talk about their kids. If I do bring you up people are polite but it's always awkward. I still go because my faith hasn't changed. It's just hard sometimes. I wish I could be in a ward full of people in my situation. I guess that would defeat part of the purpose of a ward. It's like a family. We are all at different stages in our lives with different experiences and we are there to help each other through our trials. Each person brings something different to the ward based on what they have been through and what they are dealing with. Maybe I should start looking at it that way and think about what I am bringing to the ward based on my experiences. I shouldn't be ashamed to talk about you or feel awkward about it. Maybe someone can benefit from my experiences and what I have learned from them. </div><div>I love you very much little girl. I don't know if you're really little. For all I know you soul could be way older than mine, but you will always be our little girl and i'll always be your mother. </div><div>Love,</div><div>Mom</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3308181441549306108.post-68169455785406084692012-03-06T16:00:00.000-07:002012-03-06T16:00:41.517-07:00thinkingEllie,<br />
I usually have trouble getting to sleep. One of my favorite things to do while I am falling asleep is daydream. I used to dream about what it would be like when I had a baby. It was especially fun when I was pregnant. It was real and full of possibilities. I had so much fun picturing you, what you would be like, and what it would be like to have you. I've been having a hard time falling asleep since I lost you because it has been too painful to think about the future. There were many nights I cried myself to sleep. More often now I watch TV or read until I fall asleep. Last night I allowed myself to imagine the future. I started slow and tested the waters. I was surprised to find that it wasn't as painful anymore. I'm sure all days won't be like that but I was happy to have that pleasant daydreaming time.<br />
I really look forward to having another baby. I am excited to be trying right now. It was very emotional for me when my period started last week and i'm sure it's going to be hard every time but i'm excited too. It hit me all of a sudden that if I do have another baby it won't be you. I always knew that, but it really hit me last night. No matter what I do I will not have you in this life. Yes, I will have other babies but it will not be you. You will always be a missing piece from our lives. That is a little overwhelming to think that no matter what I do or how long I live there will always be something missing from my life. I can do things to include you and honor your memory but it won't ever be the same as having you here.<br />
I don't want you to be a continual sad part of our life. I will include you in major events and try to make them happy moments, not sad moments. After all you are our daughter and we are your parents. Whether you are here or not you are a part of our family.<br />
I love you so much baby girl. I miss you.<br />
MomUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3308181441549306108.post-49518923812669675282012-02-26T21:39:00.000-07:002012-02-26T21:39:16.735-07:00NameHi baby girl. Things are going pretty good. I miss you a lot. This month has been pretty crummy with daddy not having a job and everything again. I feel a lot of stress. It's hard dealing with losing you and also dealing with the money stress again. I had a really hard week this week. There was some extra stress at work and I really felt like I was going to break. I didn't think I could take it anymore. It was worse that Dad was really down too. He hates not having a job. It gets him so depressed. We had a couple bad days but then we were able to come out of it.<br />
I was just feeling like i'm not the person i'm supposed to be. I always get like this when I let my scripture reading and praying lapse. I don't know why I don't recognize that and let myself get so far down that dark path all the time. I should always be improving but I feel like most of the time I just swing back and forth like a pendulum. I guess what's important is that in general that curve is going up, and I guess it is. I do feel like I am more in tune with the spirit than I was a year ago.<br />
Anyway, Dad gave me a blessing yesterday and it really helped. I love it when he gives me a blessing. It always helps both of us. I was told not to worry so much about things of this world like work and money. I think I put too much pressure on myself. I need to keep that eternal perspective. I was also told that I will have children while on this earth. That's always a worry of mine. It seems like everyone else around me is having babies and I wonder if I ever will.<br />
I do feel better now. I miss you but I think I understand why you couldn't stay. I already feel like i've learned and grown so much in the last (almost) 9 months. There were a lot of other difficult things to deal with this month. I got your birth certificate in the mail, I ordered your headstone, and closed the headstone fund at the credit union that was set up for you. It feels sometimes like it will never end. I will always have to deal with painful things associated with you.<br />
I was thinking yesterday about how I feel bad that nobody but dad and I knew your name while we are alive. It was fun to keep your name a secret while I was pregnant but then it makes me sad that nobody knew your name until you were dead. I am rethinking that for the last baby. We are trying to get pregnant again. Which in and of itself is really stressful. I am scared to get pregnant and scared to not get pregnant. I hope you are up there preparing you siblings for life on earth.<br />
I love you honey. I look forward to the day we meet again.<br />
Love,<br />
MomUnknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3308181441549306108.post-51508142209592052382012-02-13T22:04:00.000-07:002012-02-13T22:04:57.441-07:00Ellie,<br />
I think this all wouldn't be so bad if I had a kid. I wouldn't feel so much pressure to get pregnant right away. I'm not saying it's easier for those who already have kids but I do see how it could distract me and take the pressure off a bit. I jus that the not knowing.<br />
MomUnknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3308181441549306108.post-1141258147842558872012-02-04T22:16:00.000-07:002012-02-04T22:16:33.303-07:00crummy weekEllie,<br />
This has been a really crappy week and i'm having a hard time being happy right now. I've been pretty down the last few days and i'm having a difficult time shaking it. I do fine usually but if there is any stress in my life I find it really hard to cope. And, this week has been a cornucopia of stressors. One really big one was dad starting a new job and hating it. Life is crazy because a week ago I was so happy and we really thought that we had things planned out with his work situation. He had a good job, we were going to pay off bills, save money, and he was going to back to school then start a new career. Everything was great, we had a plan. But, we learned a long time ago that we make a plan and God laughs. Don't get me wrong, it's good to make plans and God isn't mean. I just shouldn't be so disappointed or surprised when things don't work out the way we want them to. Grandpa did tell us something kinda cool a couple of weeks ago. He told us that sometimes we have to go down the wrong path and hit the dead end so when we do go down the right path we can do it even if it's hard because we know it's the right path. My problem is that we are hitting too many dead ends and having a hard time finding the right path. The last couple of days i've even found myself doubting whether we should be trying to get pregnant again. My heart just isn't in it right now because things are so messed up with us. Not our relationship, that is great. It will take a lot to mess that up. We have been through so much. I just don't know what we would do know if we had a baby. How would we survive? I know I can't wait for everything to be perfect because it never will be but I want to at least feel prepare and have some plan for the future. I really want dad to go back to school but I don't know how we are going to pay for that. I am praying so hard that he will be able to find another job very soon because if he doesn't it might drive both of us completely crazy. Maybe that's the big problem. We've both been having a down time lately and it's dangerous when we are both down. Usually one of us is up and is able to help the other. Grr, how did things get so messed up?<br />
I have to go back to work on Monday and I'm really not looking forward to it. I've had three weeks off and usually I am ready to go back but this time i'm afraid that stress will put me over the edge and i'm going to lose it on a co-worker, or worse, a student. I need to be able to go to work and forget about home life for a while. Who knows, maybe it will help.<br />
I really don't want to go to church tomorrow but I will because I know that's probably what I need most right now. I just have such a hard time with fast and testimony meetings. There's always at least 1 baby blessing (last month there were three!) and the worst part is the family has to get up afterwards and talk about how happy they are that they have this new baby in their family. Last month we had to get up and walk out of sacrament meeting. I guess I will see how I am feeling tomorrow.<br />
Things will get better. They always do. These times always seem so horrible when we are in them but I have to remember that we've had a lot of tough times and we've always pulled through. And, I think we really are stronger for them. I just get down sometimes and think that other people have so much easier lives. It's not even that. I guess I just feel sometimes like I can never catch a break. I've payed my dues now it's time for things to start getting better. This is when I need to sit down and consciously start counting my blessings. Maybe I will do that tomorrow before church to get me in the right mood.<br />
I love you so much honey. I miss you a lot and hope you are doing well.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
MomUnknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3308181441549306108.post-41963846745395267282012-02-02T20:31:00.000-07:002012-02-02T20:31:30.373-07:00rough weekEllie,<div>It's weird. I can be going along for a while and be just fine. Then all of a sudden something will happen and it will mean more than one rough day. This is my last week off track and I knew that it was time to call and order your headstone. I've been meaning to do that but i've been putting it off. I knew it would be difficult but I didn't think it would be that hard. It affected me for days. I don't like thinking about that. It's hard to decide how to mark your final resting place. I want it to be just perfect. I barely made it through the phone call. Then I broke down afterwards. I called grandma afterwards. I told her I had just ordered your headstone and it was hard. She told grandpa and he had to get on the phone and tell me that it was okay for the headstone to be hard because that's better than it being soft. He is so silly. He is good about adding humor to a difficult situation to release some of the tension. </div><div>Things are a little better now. It's just been a stressful week. Dad started a new job. It's good because he'll be making more money but it's ultra stressful. He also had a friend pass away out of the blue. I think that affected him more than he let on. We are doing better with the approaching weekend. It's weird, usually when it's time for me to go back to work after an off-track I am so bored i'm ready to go back. There has not been one time this off-track time that I have been bored and wanted to go back to work. I don't even want to go in tomorrow but I have to because i'm getting a new student. </div><div>There hasn't been much success yet in getting you a little sibling. We are trying though. It's stressful though and I don't want it to be stressful. I also know that it will be more successful if i'm not stressed. I'm trying to find a balance between planning and charting when I ovulate and not being to rigid and stressed about it. I think i'm just going to have to put it in the power of God anyway. I know that He has His own time schedule and there's not much I can do about it anyway. I guess it will happen when it's supposed to. I'm just trying to help it along. </div><div>I miss you so much. I hat that you can't be her with us. I love you so much.</div><div>Mom</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3308181441549306108.post-4862778963132596292012-01-22T21:43:00.000-07:002012-01-22T21:43:21.646-07:00Church todayEllie,<br />
I made it to church and I made it all the way through and i'm glad I did. Sacrament meeting was boring. I had a hard time concentrating. Sunday school was okay but it wasn't what I was looking for. Relief Society was okay, even with all of the babies I hadn't really cried yet but I hadn't found what I was looking for.<br />
It was the lesson in Relief Society that really touched me. The lesson was on the talk by Elder Oaks in the last General Conference. <a href="http://lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/teachings-of-jesus?lang=eng">http://lds.org/general-conference/2011/10/teachings-of-jesus?lang=eng </a> The topic was on the Teachings of Jesus. I knew almost immediately that this is what I needed today. It used to be that I had a great relationship with Jesus. That was the strongest part of my testimony. What happened? It's not that I don't have a testimony or that I don't have a testimony of Christ it's just that I don't feel as close to him as I used to. So, here's my question. How do I develop a better relationship with Christ? Where have I gone wrong? Is there something I'm doing wrong? What do I change? I can pray more, read scriptures more, I don't know what else. I'm going to work on it though. I think that's where i'll focus my study for a while. I'll keep you posted on how things go. I'm glad I did end up going to church today though.<br />
MomUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3308181441549306108.post-40891409542819407832012-01-22T12:10:00.000-07:002012-01-22T12:10:08.119-07:00SundaysEllie,<br />
Grrr, why do I get so anxious on Sundays? I don't know if I can hold it together. I've been having a hard time wanting to go today. I've decided to not go and changed my mind about a dozen times. I know i'll end up going because the days I really don't want to go are the days I end up needing it the most. It's just that it seems to be like that every week and it's not getting better. What can I do?<br />
MomUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3308181441549306108.post-55936245624458673292012-01-21T23:08:00.000-07:002012-01-21T23:08:49.877-07:00Thinking of youEllie,<br />
I've been think about you a lot today. It's hard because life is moving on and i'm forgetting you. I'm forget ting the feeling of what it was like to expect to be a mother. I feel like we're leaving you behind. We are hoping to get pregnant again and that always seemed so natural. Of course we would try to get pregnant again. I'm starting to understand why some people feel like they are dishonoring their angel children when the have another one. You aren't here anymore to be a part of our lives and we have to get on without you.<br />
I have been off of work this week and I was really worried because last time I was off-track it was pretty difficult for me. But things have gone pretty well. I have been able to relax most of the time without forcing myself to do projects to distract myself. I still miss you terribly. Friday I had a bit of a rough morning. We are making plans for the future and we are just in such a different place than I ever thought we would be right now. I have a career but dad doesn't and we don't have any kids. Dad is talking about going back to school and I just feel like we are moving backwards instead of progressing. I guess sometimes you need to do that though. Things will get better. I have to believe that. It is nice with dad at least have temporary job. It takes some of the money burden off.<br />
I love you so much. I hope I never forget you.<br />
Love,<br />
MomUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3308181441549306108.post-54912324140825608022012-01-20T13:01:00.001-07:002012-01-20T13:01:00.036-07:00New post<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px;">I have created a new blog. It's kind of a combination of me losing weight and us trying for our rainbow baby. Feel free to check it out.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px;"><br />
</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px;"><a href="http://sharonsrainbow.blogspot.com/" rel="nofollow nofollow" style="color: #3b5998; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank"><span>http://</span><wbr></wbr><span class="word_break" style="display: inline-block;"></span>sharonsrainbow.blogspot.com/</a></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3308181441549306108.post-49638830846254836422012-01-07T19:44:00.000-07:002012-01-07T19:44:45.771-07:00Normal?Ellie,<br />
Well, things are kind of getting back to normal and it's kind of freaking me out. I didn't know that I could get this close to normal again. There will always be things that are different but for the most part things are back to the way they were. In ways i'm glad that things are back to normal because it's been kind of rough and crazy but I hate that we are back to the same old. I'm getting a little anxious. I don't know what to do. I'm bored. I wish things were different. I feel that weight pressing on my chest again. I need to keep myself occupied or i'm going to go crazy.<br />
The other day I put in the request for time off for your birthday. I don't know what we are going to do yet but I do know that I can't be at work. It was harder on me than I thought it would be to submit that form. I hate that I have to do that. It hits me at the weirdest times. We went to an Eagle Court of Honor today and I really missed you. i don't know why it hit me so hard. Maybe you were close by.<br />
I'm fine, i'm just having a down time. It really has been a good day and really i've been doing pretty good lately. I just get these minor panic attacks sometimes. I guess i'm still feeling the letdown from Christmas. Things are getting back to normal after Christmas and it's just hitting me hard. I'm ready for my life to progress now. I'm ready to move on. I love that i've had 8 1/2 years to be married and work on our relationship but we are ready to expand our family now. We're ready to move on, and we will, I know we will but I just want it to be now.<br />
Anyways, i'm rambling now. I just miss you so much. I love you so much honey. I love talking to you I just wish you could talk back. Miss you always.<br />
MomUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3308181441549306108.post-21116884588827966482011-12-31T16:51:00.003-07:002011-12-31T16:57:19.234-07:00TitanI am Atlas.<br />
The weight of the sky is on my shoulders.<br />
I must stop it from crushing the world,<br />
from crushing me.<br />
The pressure is unbearable.<br />
I must endure.<br />
How can I endure?<br />
I've become good at forcing tears back inside me.<br />
I must not let them out because if I do I won't be able to hold the sky,<br />
and it will crush me.<br />
I brace myself,<br />
and set in to endure.<br />
The weight, the pain will never go away.<br />
Slowly ... I get used to it.<br />
Eventually I do not notice it so I loosen my grip.<br />
Big mistake.<br />
Now it is worse than before.<br />
Again, it presses on me.<br />
I can hold it, i've done it before.<br />
Force the tears back in.<br />
The cycle starts again.<br />
Except I can hold it a little longer this time before it starts to crush me again, push back.<br />
I am not Atlas, just a woman, with pain pressing on my heart.<br />
I am not a Titan, but<br />
I can do it.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3308181441549306108.post-43742809557953243592011-12-31T11:38:00.000-07:002011-12-31T11:38:20.953-07:00The HolidaysEllie,<br />
Well, in ways the holidays were pretty rough but in other ways they were easier than I though they would be. I knew they would be hard. I knew it would be hard to be around my nieces. But, things weren't really as bad as I thought they would be.<br />
I did miss you so terribly much. I felt you near quite often. I so wish you could have been there. I had a lot of fun with my nieces. They are so cute it is hard not to love them. I did feel myself being jealous a lot though. It was hard for me when they only wanted mommy and daddy. I want somebody to want me like that. I had a lot of fun playing with them too but sometimes it was hard seeing other people have so much fun with them. I wanted you to be there for your grandparents to love and play with.<br />
There were little ways in which we remembered you. Daddy and I have special ornaments on our tree for you. I was going to get you a stocking but I couldn't find the perfect one so I didn't put up any stockings at all. Uncle Jon and Aunt Kristen had the idea of singing a song to you. The idea was that maybe if you were close by you could hear it. So, we all sang I am a Child of God to you on Christmas Eve. I think that will be a new tradition. Grandma also got you a baby doll. She so wanted to go shopping for you and buy you Christmas presents that she just couldn't resist.<br />
I guess the hardest time for me was the evening of Christmas day and the next day. Dad had to give me a blessing I was so upset. I think the let down from Christmas hit me pretty hard. The future looked so dark to me, I didn't see any hope or anything to look forward too. The blessing helped so much but I'm still pretty down. It's been a rough week. It's been so nice to be with family and I really miss them now that they are all gone home. I love Daddy and it's so nice to be with him but sometimes it's lonely just being the two of us. It was nice having a lot of people around. I feel your loss greatly right now. I feel empty and lonely even when i'm with other people.<br />
I need something to look forward to, something to plan and keep me occupied. My Christmas decorations are down, work is starting but I have nothing to look forward to. I'm worried about going off track in a couple of weeks. It's going to be really hard to be home alone for three weeks. I was telling dad the other day that I wanted to go shopping for baby stuff. He said no, of course, but I think the reason I want to is because I so enjoyed shopping for baby stuff. I loved having something to plan and look forward to. For a little while I at least had grandma's birthday and Christmas to plan and prepare for. I guess dad's birthday is coming up but that's not enough. I will have to think of something.<br />
I'm already thinking about what we are going to do for your birthday. I need something to plan and look forward to. I need it to be a fun day. I don't know i've thought of having a barbeque or going to Lagoon. I will think about it.<br />
I was thinking this morning about how i'm never really going to be better. I'm always going to miss you and there will always be a part of me that will be sad. I'm just going to have to learn to deal with it and get along with my life. That's kind of a depressing thought but in a way it helps me because I can stop waiting to be better. I'm not sick, i'm different. I'm just going to have to accept the new me.<br />
I love you so much. Always remember that.<br />
MomUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3308181441549306108.post-24066172819137341302011-12-21T12:24:00.000-07:002011-12-21T12:24:17.905-07:0010 Places on Earth I am Grateful forEllie,<br />
Today is one of those days where being at work has made me feel better. I didn't sleep well and woke up feeling yucky. I was down all morning. I really considered not coming in to work today. But, I came, i'm here and it actually lifted me up. I'm enjoying my students today and i'm feeling a lot better than I was earlier.<br />
Grandma's birthday is today and i'm so excited. I get to go and see everyone tonight and I get to give her the present i've been working on for over a month. I am way excited about that. I can't wait to see her reaction. I know she is going to love it. It has been nice to have this to focus on when Christmas gets me down.<br />
<br />
I have so many places I like to go and so many more that I would love to go to.<br />
1. San Diego. We have vacationed there so many times as a kid. That is where I went on my honeymoon and we have been back there three times since then. Once with the Adams', once with Melissa's family, and once by ourselves. It's my favorite place in the whole world. I haven't been everywhere but nothing could compare, mostly because I have so many memories there. Every spring it calls to me. I get this desire deep down inside to see the ocean.<br />
2. Yelllowstone. Again, I have been there more times than I can count. It is so amazing.<br />
3. Grandma's house. When I was a kid if I was stressed out I would close my eyes and picture myself there. It is total peace, calm, and joy.<br />
4. I don't know if this is really considered a place on earth but I have to list my bed. I love being in bed and being warm and cozy. It has been that way my whole life but now it's even better now that I have daddy and a kitty to cuddle.<br />
5. Las Cruces. I really do miss it sometimes. Especially during nostalgic times like Christmas. That's where I grew up and met Dad. I really miss the luminarias at Christmas time.<br />
6. The temple. Any temple really but especially Mesa because that was my first one and Albuquerque because that's where we became and eternal family.<br />
7. Cokeville. So many good memories there. We usually spent a month there in the summer and the whole Christmas break.<br />
8. This may seem weird but I have to put in the Cokeville cemetery. You and my grandpa a buried there among more of my family. I don't exactly have great memories from there but it holds a special place in my heart.<br />
9. Disneyland. I've only been there once but it was such an amazing experience. So magical.<br />
10. Anywhere my family is.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3308181441549306108.post-1604373425133770172011-12-21T07:17:00.000-07:002011-12-21T07:17:24.109-07:0010 things about today that I am grateful for.Ellie, I had a rough night last night. So, once again I feel the need to get on here and think about what i'm grateful for. This topic is a good one. I'm not very grateful for today because of a number of reasons including hating to work all week while my family is all together for Christmas and i'm missing you soooo much. I know those are valid reasons to not be grateful for today but if I just keep thinking of all the things that are upsetting me today and I can make a list 100 long. So, this will be a good exercise for me today. I'm going to find things all day i'm grateful for and see how long I can make this list.<br />
1. the homemade peanut butter cup I ate this morning before coming to work<br />
2. indoor plumbing, I love being able to shower everyday, I was actually thinking that this morning while I was showering<br />
3. my christmas tree with presents under it, last year we were pretty poor and our tree was pretty empty<br />
4. so I guess that brings me to jobs, i'm glad we both have jobs even though I hate getting up early and being apart so much, I feel so blessed that we both have employment right now<br />
5. My students, they drive me crazy sometimes but today they are cute. I know they are just as excited for Christmas as I am.<br />
6. the chocolate people gave me<br />
7. the presents my students brought me<br />
8. I am grateful that I am almost done with my mom's birthday present. It has been in progress for a month and I am so excited to give it to her.<br />
9. Cell phones, so I can keep in touch with my family.<br />
10. I wasn't as crabby today as I was yesterday<br />
11. Daddy wanted to go out to dinner tonight.<br />
12. the homemade peanut butter cup I ate after dinner tonight<br />
13. my cuddly kitty who greeted me when I got home<br />
<br />
Well, I was hoping to get more but considering the kind of day I had I think that's pretty good.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3308181441549306108.post-60782163082078692662011-12-15T22:22:00.001-07:002011-12-21T07:17:51.207-07:0010 Things about nature that I am grateful forEllie, my heart is heavy today so I feel the need to make myself think of things again that I am grateful for.<br />
1. The smell of rain, but especially in Southern New Mexico. The smell of rain in the desert is the most wonderful smell in the world. I miss it a lot.<br />
2. White Christmas'. I worry that we may not have one this year. I don't want the world to be just dark and dead on Christmas. If I can't have you for Christmas I at least want snow.<br />
3. I love hiking up into a mountain or around a lake and being away from any roads. I love the quiet or not the quiet but the sound of the forest or whatever wilderness i'm in.<br />
4. Stars. I have always loved looking at the stars and wondering at the vastness of space. I love that I get to teach astronomy to my students. I have great memories of going out to the desert to look at the stars with my family.<br />
5. The Ocean. There is something so magical and peaceful about the ocean. I love swimming in and feelings its power. I love gazing at it and watching and hearing its rhythmic motion. I love colors.<br />
6. Sunsets are beautiful anywhere. My two favorite places to watch the sun set are in Las Cruces and on the beach. Las Cruces is open you get to see big beautiful skies with lots of colors.<br />
7. I love watching a flower I have planted begin to grow and bloom.<br />
8. I love Yellowstone. We have been there more times than I can count. It has great memories associated with it. I love the forest, the animals, that canyon, the lake, and all the fascinating geysers. There is no place like it in the world. I like to imagine what the first explorers or the Native Americans thought when they came across that place.<br />
9. Manatees and Platypus'. They are such interesting animals. I know God got a kick out of creating the Duck Billed Platypus. He probably knew that would really screw up our categorizing system. Hmmm a mammal that lays eggs and shoots poisonous quills, good idea.<br />
10. Thick freshly mowed grass. Grass is amazing. It is the only plant that can live through us constantly walking, running, and playing sports on top off.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3308181441549306108.post-5615021545826137462011-12-09T23:01:00.000-07:002011-12-09T23:01:08.141-07:0010 Living people I am grateful forEllie, it is going to be really hard to narrow this down to 10. There have been so many people that have touched our lives recently. Some of these might be individual people but i'm also going to have to include groups of people.<br />
1. This of course has to be dad.<br />
2. Mom and Dad. I know they would do anything for me and they grieved just as much as we did.<br />
3. All of our family members. There are too many to list individually but I love them all and know that they love us too.<br />
4. Heidi Vawdrey. She was the one who took our pictures in the hospital. She has been my friend ever since. She has created a blog for the mom's that she takes pictures of. They are a great support group. She is a photographer for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS)<br />
5. Bishop Jenson. I think since his wife died a few years ago he has been the perfect bishop for us. He knows how grieving works. I will never forget how he drove all the way to Cokeville, WY for your graveside service.<br />
6. Jenny and Derek Maples. They were really there for us in our worst time. They were friends for us in the best way. They spent time with us and always invited us over. They were sensitive to our situation but never pressured us. <br />
7. Our ward was amazing to us.<br />
8. I have to put my coworkers on this list. I had no idea how much they loved me until my boss came with the $700 that they had raised for us. We were totally amazed.<br />
9. Jessica Young and her husband. Jessica is a SHARE board member and she came on a Sunday with her husband to do hand a foot molds for Ellie.<br />
10. The SHARE organization. An amazing support group.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1