The past few months

Ellie,
The past few months have really sucked but I finally feel we may be coming out of it. I was so angry after the miscarriage. I felt betrayed. I really felt like that pregnancy was a blessing. It was as if Heavenly Father was giving me a gift. It was almost like he was making up for what he took away from us last year. It felt perfect to be able to tell our family about the pregnancy on Easter. After we lost that pregnancy I felt betrayed. I felt like I couldn't trust any spiritual prompting or feeling I had ever had. How was I to know what was real if I was so off base on that one.
The next six weeks were the worst. I ate a lot of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. Shortly after we lost the baby we had Mother's Day, Memorial Day, your birthday, and Father's Day. Mother's Day was rough, of course. I just stayed home all day in my pjs and watched TV. I had extra Ben and Jerry's for that day.
Memorial Day was the first day we got to see your headstone. That was very bitter sweet. I love the way it turned out but it's so hard to see it. I don't think we will go visit it very often. It was so sweet that everybody brought you beautiful flowers.
I took a couple of days off for you birthday.We decided that to honor you on your birthday we would take cupcakes up to the hospital for the nurses. We were so grateful for all of the wonderful nurses we had when we were in there. We wanted to do something special for them. I've never been great at making cupcakes but I practiced a bit and they ended up turning out okay. They were really grateful. We also had Mexican food for you birthday. You seemed to always like it when I ate Mexcian food:)
Father's Day was pretty similar to Mother's Day. We stayed at home and ate ice cream.
It still took a while before I was doing okay. We ended up going to talk to the bishop and telling him some of our concerns. It was amazing how helpful just talking to him was. It got us to the point where we could start healing all over again. I think we were too angry to heal for a while.
We still haven't gotten to the point yet where we feel like we are able to try to get pregnant again. We just want to make sure that we are at a point emotionally, spiritually, and mentally where we can put ourselves through that, just in case we have another loss.
The road will be long. I know it will take more than a day or two but it still gets frustrating sometimes. Still, I think back to this time last year and am amazed at how far we have come. We miss you and still think of you every day but the pain is mostly gone. That yearning is mostly gone. I say mostly only because sometimes it's still there. Sometimes I still have bad days but they are so few and far between. For the most part we are back to life instead of in our mourning version of life.
I'm not dreading the holidays like I was last year. In fact we are really looking forward to the fall this year. Both of us have remarked about how excited we are for fall and for Halloween. I even think Thanksgiving and Christmas won't be as bad as long as I can forget about how I should be having a baby at Thanksgiving time.
I feel that my time writing to you might be winding down. I will leave the blog up but I think most of my thoughts and feelings will probably go in my journal for now on. I love you very much. I will still talk to you. I do all the time anyway. I am sure that I will still write to update you every once in a while.
Love,
Mom