a few hours

Ellie,
It's amazing how a few hours can really change my attitude. I was pretty upbeat earlier today. I was optimistic, hopeful, and spiritually fed after conference this weekend. Then, my period started tonight. Talk about a turnaround. There was a time, albeit a short time that I was happy to get my period. After I lost you I was terrified that things wouldn't work right again and I would never be able to get pregnant again. It took a few months for things to get going but once they did I was happy to see things getting back into a system. I have never loved my period. What woman does? But there was a part of me that was happy that things worked and that I had this system in place so I could one day have children. When dad and I started trying to get pregnant it was just a monthly reminder that it wasn't working. When I was pregnant with you I loved not having a period. I didn't miss it at all. Now, it's a reminder that i'm no longer pregnant with you and that i'm not getting pregnant either.
I just keep thinking that this time last year I was just starting my third term with you. My third term was rough. I had so much going on and so much to do. I never felt good. I was always tired and sore. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and had to change everything about the way I ate. We were poor and I was stressed about money and taking too much time off of work. I was stressed about getting things ready at work for when I would be gone.
All of that was going on but it was still my favorite time of the pregnancy. I bought all of your cute stuff. I had baby showers and celebrated with my friends. I got the nursery all ready, packed our bags, and had everything ready to go. I got to see you so much. I had so many doctor's appointments and while they were a pain to get to I was glad that I got to see you all the time. You were so perfect. We felt you move so much. I loved feeling you jump around when your daddy walked into the room. I loved it when you would fight the ultrasound techs. I loved talking to you and falling asleep with my hands on my belly. I loved dreaming about what you would be like and counting down the days until I could hold you in my arms. I felt safe. Especially at that last appointment when we saw you practicing your breathing. I knew you would be okay.
Now, there's nothing. I miss carrying you inside of me. Every twitch or gas bubble is a reminder that you're not there moving in me any more. I really hate those phantom movements. Sometimes I could swear you are still in there moving around. But you're not. You've moved on, and I need to too. Dad was wondering the other day about what it would be like to be on the other side and be able to see our loved ones left behind and grieving for them. I don't want to cause you pain. This too shall pass. Not completely. There will always be a part of me missing. Not missing I guess, because I know where you are I just can't be there with you yet. I need to do what I can here to be closer to you. There was a conference talk about that. I will look it up and share it with you. It was about how we can be closer to our loved ones who passed by doing the things here on earth that will enable us to be with them for eternity. I have much to work on Ellie. I will do it for you and for me. I will call on you and the Savior to help me though. It is going to be difficult.
I am really looking forward to Easter this year. It's in a week and I look forward to celebrating the resurrection. The atonement is what makes it possible for us to be together again. I hope that thought gives me the strength I need this week.
I love you so much.
Mom

alone

Ellie,
So, last night dad went to the Priesthood session of General Conference, which I was happy about. I am proud of him for doing what he is supposed to be. I was kind of looking forward to some time alone. Actually I didn't think about it much. Almost as soon as he left though I started getting panicky. It was so weird. I got anxious and upset. I can't figure out why that happened. It's not like i'm never alone or can't handle being alone, but all of a sudden I was so lonely. I was able to occupy myself but there was that underlying anxiety the whole time until he got home. When he is home I don't spend every second with him but I guess it's nice to know that he's there. It felt a lot like it did soon after you passed and I couldn't be alone for quite a while. It was odd because I haven't felt that way for long.
We have felt recently that our anxiety has gotten worse lately. The sadness had been there all along sometimes closer to the surface and sometimes deep down. But, lately we've been feeling more and more stressed out. Dad thinks it's because we are getting closer and closer to your birthday. At this time last year we were buying a crib, having our baby showers, and getting the nursery ready. Your birthday is approaching so fast. Ten months. Almost a year. In many ways it seems as if this year has flown by but it also seems so long ago that I held you in my arms.
This weekend we listened to the General Conference of the church. There were so many talks that seemed to be directed to me personally. As soon as they become available online I will post the ones that struck me.  Dad was saying today that he's not afraid to die. While he's not suicidal or anything he just looks forward to seeing you again. We're both tired of the trials of this life and are excited to be together as a family again.
Love you,
Mom