alone

Ellie,
So, last night dad went to the Priesthood session of General Conference, which I was happy about. I am proud of him for doing what he is supposed to be. I was kind of looking forward to some time alone. Actually I didn't think about it much. Almost as soon as he left though I started getting panicky. It was so weird. I got anxious and upset. I can't figure out why that happened. It's not like i'm never alone or can't handle being alone, but all of a sudden I was so lonely. I was able to occupy myself but there was that underlying anxiety the whole time until he got home. When he is home I don't spend every second with him but I guess it's nice to know that he's there. It felt a lot like it did soon after you passed and I couldn't be alone for quite a while. It was odd because I haven't felt that way for long.
We have felt recently that our anxiety has gotten worse lately. The sadness had been there all along sometimes closer to the surface and sometimes deep down. But, lately we've been feeling more and more stressed out. Dad thinks it's because we are getting closer and closer to your birthday. At this time last year we were buying a crib, having our baby showers, and getting the nursery ready. Your birthday is approaching so fast. Ten months. Almost a year. In many ways it seems as if this year has flown by but it also seems so long ago that I held you in my arms.
This weekend we listened to the General Conference of the church. There were so many talks that seemed to be directed to me personally. As soon as they become available online I will post the ones that struck me.  Dad was saying today that he's not afraid to die. While he's not suicidal or anything he just looks forward to seeing you again. We're both tired of the trials of this life and are excited to be together as a family again.
Love you,
Mom