A year ago if I had watched a TV show where a baby died it would have been sad. I most likely would have teared up a little bit. Tonight when that happened I completely lost it. I don't have the emotional capacity to deal with that at all. It's not just that though. I have a really hard time dealing with any emotions. All of them are extra strong. No matter if it's happy, sad, mad, or anxious. I feel like a Vulcan losing control of my emotions (can you tell i've been watching Star Trek?). I feel like i'm losing sense of who I am. I've lost my reserves of control. I sometimes feel my reserves filling up and I get stronger and other times my emotions are right on the surface.
I still have a hard time going to church, or any church activities. I often feel like I don't fit in. I don't have a group that I belong to. I don't fit in with the newlyweds or with the families. I have a hard time sitting there with nothing to say while people talk about their kids. If I do bring you up people are polite but it's always awkward. I still go because my faith hasn't changed. It's just hard sometimes. I wish I could be in a ward full of people in my situation. I guess that would defeat part of the purpose of a ward. It's like a family. We are all at different stages in our lives with different experiences and we are there to help each other through our trials. Each person brings something different to the ward based on what they have been through and what they are dealing with. Maybe I should start looking at it that way and think about what I am bringing to the ward based on my experiences. I shouldn't be ashamed to talk about you or feel awkward about it. Maybe someone can benefit from my experiences and what I have learned from them.
I love you very much little girl. I don't know if you're really little. For all I know you soul could be way older than mine, but you will always be our little girl and i'll always be your mother.
Love,
Mom
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