thinking

Ellie,
I usually have trouble getting to sleep. One of my favorite things to do while I am falling asleep is daydream. I used to dream about what it would be like when I had a baby. It was especially fun when I was pregnant. It was real and full of possibilities. I had so much fun picturing you, what you would be like, and what it would be like to have you. I've been having a hard time falling asleep since I lost you because it has been too painful to think about the future. There were many nights I cried myself to sleep. More often now I watch TV or read until I fall asleep. Last night I allowed myself to imagine the future. I started slow and tested the waters. I was surprised to find that it wasn't as painful anymore. I'm sure all days won't be like that but I was happy to have that pleasant daydreaming time.
I really look forward to having another baby. I am excited to be trying right now. It was very emotional for me when my period started last week and i'm sure it's going to be hard every time but i'm excited too. It hit me all of a sudden that if I do have another baby it won't be you. I always knew that, but it really hit me last night. No matter what I do I will not have you in this life. Yes, I will have other babies but it will not be you. You will always be a missing piece from our lives. That is a little overwhelming to think that no matter what I do or how long I live there will always be something missing from my life. I can do things to include you and honor your memory but it won't ever be the same as having you here.
I don't want you to be a continual sad part of our life. I will include you in major events and try to make them happy moments, not sad moments. After all you are our daughter and we are your parents. Whether you are here or not you are a part of our family.
I love you so much baby girl. I miss you.
Mom