Name

Hi baby girl. Things are going pretty good. I miss you a lot. This month has been pretty crummy with daddy not having a job and everything again. I feel a lot of stress. It's hard dealing with losing you and also dealing with the money stress again. I had a really hard week this week. There was some extra stress at work and I really felt like I was going to break. I didn't think I could take it anymore. It was worse that Dad  was really down too. He hates not having a job. It gets him so depressed. We had a couple bad days but then we were able to come out of it.
I was just feeling like i'm not the person i'm supposed to be. I always get like this when I let my scripture reading and praying lapse. I don't know why I don't recognize that and let myself get so far down that dark path all the time. I should always be improving but I feel like most of the time I just swing back and forth like a pendulum. I guess what's important is that in general that curve is going up, and I guess it is. I do feel like I am more in tune with the spirit than I was a year ago.
Anyway, Dad gave me a blessing yesterday and it really helped. I love it when he gives me a blessing. It always helps both of us. I was told not to worry so much about things of this world like work and money. I think I put too much pressure on myself. I need to keep that eternal perspective. I was also told that I will have children while on this earth. That's always a worry of mine. It seems like everyone else around me is having babies and I wonder if I ever will.
I do feel better now. I miss you but I think I understand why you couldn't stay. I already feel like i've learned and grown so much in the last (almost) 9 months. There were a lot of other difficult things to deal with this month. I got your birth certificate in the mail, I ordered your headstone, and closed the headstone fund at the credit union that was set up for you. It feels sometimes like it will never end. I will always have to deal with painful things associated with you.
I was thinking yesterday about how I feel bad that nobody but dad and I knew your name while we are alive. It was fun to keep your name a secret while I was pregnant but then it makes me sad that nobody knew your name until you were dead. I am rethinking that for the last baby. We are trying to get pregnant again. Which in and of itself is really stressful. I am scared to get pregnant and scared to not get pregnant. I hope you are up there preparing you siblings for life on earth.
I love you honey. I look forward to the day we meet again.
Love,
Mom