crummy week

Ellie,
This has been a really crappy week and i'm having a hard time being happy right now. I've been pretty down the last few days and i'm having a difficult time shaking it. I do fine usually but if there is any stress in my life I find it really hard to cope. And, this week has been a cornucopia of stressors. One really big one was dad starting a new job and hating it. Life is crazy because a week ago I was so happy and we really thought that we had things planned out with his work situation. He had a good job, we were going to pay off bills, save money, and he was going to back to school then start a new career. Everything was great, we had a plan. But, we learned a long time ago that we make a plan and God laughs. Don't get me wrong, it's good to make plans and God isn't mean. I just shouldn't be so disappointed or surprised when things don't work out the way we want them to. Grandpa did tell us something kinda cool a couple of weeks ago. He told us that sometimes we have to go down the wrong path and hit the dead end so when we do go down the right path we can do it even if it's hard because we know it's the right path. My problem is that we are hitting too many dead ends and having a hard time finding the right path. The last couple of days i've even found myself doubting whether we should be trying to get pregnant again. My heart just isn't in it right now because things are so messed up with us. Not our relationship, that is great. It will take a lot to mess that up. We have been through so much. I just don't know what we would do know if we had a baby. How would we survive? I know I can't wait for everything to be perfect because it never will be but I want to at least feel prepare and have some plan for the future. I really want dad to go back to school but I don't know how we are going to pay for that. I am praying so hard that he will be able to find another job very soon because if he doesn't it might drive both of us completely crazy. Maybe that's the big problem. We've both been having a down time lately and it's dangerous when we are both down. Usually one of us is up and is able to help the other. Grr, how did things get so messed up?
I have to go back to work on Monday and I'm really not looking forward to it. I've had three weeks off and usually I am ready to go back but this time i'm afraid that stress will put me over the edge and i'm going to lose it on a co-worker, or worse, a student. I need to be able to go to work and forget about home life for a while. Who knows, maybe it will help.
I really don't want to go to church tomorrow but I will because I know that's probably what I need most right now. I just have such a hard time with fast and testimony meetings. There's always at least 1 baby blessing (last month there were three!) and the worst part is the family has to get up afterwards and talk about how happy they are that they have this new baby in their family. Last month we had to get up and walk out of sacrament meeting. I guess I will see how I am feeling tomorrow.
Things will get better. They always do. These times always seem so horrible when we are in them but I have to remember that we've had a lot of tough times and we've always pulled through. And, I think we really are stronger for them. I just get down sometimes and think that other people have so much easier lives. It's not even that. I guess I just feel sometimes like I can never catch a break. I've payed my dues now it's time for things to start getting better. This is when I need to sit down and consciously start counting my blessings. Maybe I will do that tomorrow before church to get me in the right mood.
I love you so much honey. I miss you a lot and hope you are doing well.

Love,
Mom