Ellie,
I haven't written in a while because I knew if I did then I'd spill the beans on being pregnant and we were trying to keep that quiet. Well, the cat's out of the bag I just wish we had better news. It's just not going to work out.
We first started to suspect that we were pregnant around the beginning of April but it took almost a week to finally get a positive pregnancy test. That was pretty stressful. The not knowing was really hard. When we finally found out I was happy. Not nearly as happy as I was when we found out we were expecting you though. Things are tainted now. I don't think I will ever be that happy again. I'm a little more jaded now.
Soon though I found peace. I felt like this was a blessing, a gift from God. I felt like you were happy for us and that this would heal us in more ways than we could imagine. We told our family on Easter. It was the perfect symbol of rebirth and a wonderful way to celebrate the resurrection. They were so happy for us. It was a great day. I'll never forget their smiles and their tears in their eyes. We finally had hope. We called the doctor and set the appointment.
We had to wait 4 whole weeks before we'd get to see the baby. It was plenty of time to get really worked up about it. By the week of the appointment I was a basket case. I was doing everything I could to keep myself healthy.  We had decided to keep it quiet until after the first appointment but there were still a few people we told and I know my parents told everyone in Las Cruces and in Rexburg.
Going to the SHARE meetings and meeting tons of other angel moms has been a blessing for us. The only problem is that i've heard to many storied of how things go wrong that that's all i've been able to think about. I know hundreds of things that could go wrong and they all scared. I knew if I could just make it to that first appointment then things would be okay. I was so nervous. I prayed for the peace and comfort I felt when we first out we were expecting.
So far though this pregnancy was turning out to be great. I kept expecting to get really sick like last time but it never happened. We have everything we need and I was even in better shape than last time. I was better educated. I knew what to expect and what to do. If only we could calm down and just be happy.
The day of the appointment was finally here. We had chosen to stay with our old doctor because we like him so much. It was hard going back there though. It was being in that office at that hospital. We both looked forward to and dreaded the ultrasound. Our last experience with an ultrasound didn't go to great. We met with the doctor, talked about what we are going to do different this time. He asked lots of questions and we planned for the future. Finally it was time to do the ultrasound. I grabbed Bobby's hand and had a hard time looking at the screen. The doctor was having a hard time seeing anything so he switched to the vaginal ultrasound. He searched and searched. I finally looked and could see for myself that there was nothing there. My heart sank. As far along as I was there should definitely be something there. I remember seeing you for the first time and the comfort I felt getting that confirmation, finally seeing you, and hearing your heartbeat. We wouldn't get that this time. The doctor asked us if we had taken a pregnancy test. We assured him we did, about 4 of them actually. He showed us the uterus. He checked both sides but couldn't find anything there.
He left and we were alone while I got dressed. I couldn't talk. It was too much for me to process. I was pretty much speechless until we were almost home. Before we left the doctor talked with us about what could be going on. He is sending in my blood work to make sure I am really pregnant. He would call me later that night to give me the results. There were four possibilities. Either I wasn't pregnant, or I was but it was too early to see anything not he ultrasound, or I was but it was an ectopic pregnancy, or I was pregnant but I was miscarrying.
The ride home was not fun. We needed to eat but I could think of nothing that sounded good. All I could do was sit there. I couldn't talk I was still processing. We finally got the call and he confirmed that I was pregnant. Good, at least there's that. I was able to get pregnant and we weren't having a false positive. My hormone levels were really low which either meant that I wasn't as far along as I thought or that I was miscarrying. I thought that these low numbers meant that it was most likely not ectopic. I thought if it was ectopic I would have high number but they wouldn't be able to see the baby in the ultrasound.  The Doctor wanted me to go do another blood test on Saturday so we could see if my numbers were going up or down. I wouldn't get the results until Monday though. This was Thursday night. I knew I was in for a long stressful weekend.
I went to work on Friday, mostly to keep my mind off of things. Saturday morning I started to bleed. I had been spotting a bit all week but this was different. I knew that any hope I had up until then was gone. It was over. I was miscarrying. I just got back in bed and cried. Bobby held me and finally I had to tell him it was over. I didn't want to go in for the blood test or anything but he convinced me to at least call the office and tell them. I called the answering service and my doctor happened to be on call that day. He said he wanted me to go in and do the blood test so he could confirm that I was miscarrying because then he could give me something to help it along. So, I went in. My doctor called me about an hour afterwards and told me that my numbers had gone down but only slightly. Not enough to confirm that I was miscarrying. Besides that I had only bled just a little bit and it had stopped. He was now worried that I was having an ectopic pregnancy. So, he wanted me to rest this weekend and come in if I was having any pain. On Monday i'm supposed to go in for another blood test. If my numbers don't go down significantly then I may need to go down to radiology and have them do an ultrasound to see if they can find where the baby has attached itself.
So, now i'm stressed again! We went and saw the Avengers to take our minds off of things then we went out to eat. Since then i've mostly been sitting on the couch watching TV and trying to distract myself. We are very discouraged. Dad says he doesn't think he wants to try to have kids again. I get that. This is too hard to go through. I also understand that we feel stuck. We feel like we aren't progressing and right now all we can think of to progress is to have children. It's hard to be in a church of families and not have a family.
I'm trying to reconcile what is going on with that peace and comfort I felt when we first found out we were expecting. Have I ever truly felt inspiration, guidance, or comfort from the spirit if I could have been so wrong on this occasion? I really felt like it was going to work out. This was it. Now it's not. Now we are back to where we were again. I have been dredging up feelings this weekend that I had forgotten about. Feelings that are so painful that I think my mind has blocked the memory to them. When I look back to those days and weeks after we lost you it used to be a dull memory. I remember being sad and hurting but I didn't remember what it felt like. I remember now. I am feeling all over again and I never what it to happen again. But the only way to assure that I will never feel this way again is to never try again. Can I live with that? I don't know. At this point I think I can. It is natural for humans to want to protect themselves but then again it's natural for humans to want to procreate.
Anyway, that's the long version of the story. I will write more and let you know how we are doing. There is much I want to change. I want to start over. I want a whole new life. With Dad of course but in a different place, with different things, a different job, different people. I want a fresh start. I want a redo. I don't think all of that will happen but we are going to think of ways for things to change. I will let you know what we decide.
I love you sweetie. I wish you could be here to give me a kiss for mother's day next week.
Love,
Mom