Coming Home

Ellie,

This morning I was telling your dad that now that your one month birthday has passed I feel like we are leaving you behind. For some reason I felt so strongly like we were leaving you behind. We spent almost a week and grandparents house. We had such a wonderful time. It was really hard coming home. I felt it as soon as we started driving away. I knew I would be coming home to a million reminders of you and what life could be like right now. Your poor dad had to put up with me stressing myself out the whole way home. I felt like he was getting tired of listening to me but he says he's just worried about me because I make myself so upset stressing out about things.

Coming home was even harder than I had imagined. It was like my heart was breaking all over again. I felt as if I had a wound that was healing and now it's been cut wide open again. I thought I had gone through the apartment and gotten rid of everything that would remind me of you. But I think to really do that I would have to move and get all new stuff. The crackers in the pantry made me cry because I used to eat those in my first trimester when I was so sick. Doing laundry made me cry because I remember washing all your little clothes getting them ready for you to wear.

Everywhere I look and everything I do reminds me of you. It's going to take me some time to heal up these wounds again. I just love you so much. I miss you so much and I miss what my life could be like right now. I'm not going to be able to go back to the way things were before. Everything is different. I am different. I am a different person now. You have changed me. I guess I just need to make sure this change is for the better. I will ponder on how this experience can change me into a better person.

I love you so much baby girl,

Mom