The hole is back today. I felt it come back on the way to church today. I was excited to go to church today but it made me very anxious. I enjoyed the talks and lessons. I haven't done my calling in a while so it's been nice to be able to go to Sunday School and Relief Society. I just have a hard time around people right now. I want people to know and acknowledge what i've been through but I don't want to talk about it. I really don't like talking about it. One person just said "i'm sorry" and another person just gave me a big hug. I liked that. They didn't ask me how I was doing, they just acknowledged my grief and tried to help me feel better without making me talk about it. Right now talking about it doesn't help.
I'm worried that i'm pushing people away. Dad teaches a Sunday School class so I sat in Sunday School and Relief Society (they are in the same room) all by myself looking at the floor or reading so nobody would talk to me. I don't want people to think i'm rude I just really don't want to have to talk about what i'm going through. I just need friends. I was worried that people in the ward would be offended about how standoffish I have been. But people keep telling us how impressed they are at how we are handling this. They say we are strong but I don't feel strong. The bishopric even says that people comment to them on how impressed they are at how classy we are handling all this. I hope people understand that i'm not rude. At least I don't mean to be. I hope i'm not.
Maybe I need to work on being more outgoing. I don't know. What is an acceptable time to grieve. At what point are people around me going to start think "geez get over it already"? For some reason my whole life i've been really worried about people thinking that i'm a wuss. Even in the hospital I was worried about asking for more meds because I didn't want the nurse to think I was a wuss. I know who's to say what the right amount of time to grieve is? And I shouldn't care what people think but for some reason I do. I know it sounds crazy but I do.
I miss you Ellie. I don't imagine that will change any time soon. I miss you a lot.
Love ya,
Mom
Oh sweetie, you grieve as long as you need to. I'm a firm believer in "the process" which to me means you'll heal and figure things out in the order you need...Heavenly Father will guide this process, I promise. You aren't supposed to be more outgoing (unless you feel like you're ready to be) or grieve for a certain amount of time. You are okay just the way you are and don't have to be "perfect" at this or do grieving the "right" way. Whatever you're doing that works for your aching heart and soul is what you should be doing, whether people think it's right or not. Nurture that hole in whatever way feels best and know that you have all the time you need. Love you and am praying for you.
ReplyDelete