Ellie,

Today I held a baby for the first time since you died. A baby girl born three days after you. It was hard, I won't lie. I didn't cry while I was holding her. I thought I would. I actually enjoyed it more than I thought I would. It helped with the empty arms for a short while. I got choked up when I was dad holding her. He would be such a great dad. You would have loved him so much. I always had more confidence in him being a dad than I did in me being a mom. A little later I fed the baby and she fell asleep in my arms. I found myself constantly checking to make sure she was breathing. I felt like I was jinxed. Why were these people letting me hold their baby when I had already let my own die? What if I killed this one too? I can't imagine how over protective i'm going to be if I ever get pregnant again.

Most of the day was pretty good. I woke up feeling okay again this morning which I thought was a miracle. I'm waiting for it to hit like a ton of bricks. I had to keep myself very busy this morning but I got a lot done. I even finished packing things away in your room. We haven't moved the furniture yet but everything is packed. I did fine with that until daddy put the lid on the last storage container and put it away. Then he closed your closet and he held me and I cried.

Most of the afternoon I spent with my friend helping her prepare and throw a bridal shower. It was really good to get out of the house, and again, keep myself busy. I met a lot of people at the shower that I didn't know. It was weird being around people that didn't know what i've been through the last 5 weeks. I felt this need to tell them my story. I don't know why. You'd think I wouldn't want to talk about it and i'd enjoy being around people who didn't question me about it. But for some reason I felt like I needed to explain it to them because for now this experience is defining me. I don't know if it's a permanent change but that's who I am right now. I don't want them to think I'm usually a sulky person who doesn't smile much. I'm just going through something.

I really appreciate these friends we've been hanging out with today and yesterday. They've been good to get us out of the house and thinking about other things. They have three little girls of their own but they have a very good balance of being sensitive of our feelings but not talking about it all the time. They don't treat us any different, which is nice. It's hard for people to have that perfect balance of acknowledging the crap we are going through but not treating us like we are made of glass.

I missed you so much to Ellie. I thought of you the whole time I was holding that little baby. What would it be like to be able to hold you right now? I may never know that feeling. It did help my empty arms for a time but it's so different when it's somebody else's kid. It's just not the same. I miss you, I love you.

Mom