Ellie,
This depression has come over me the last couple days. I think it's because we moved the furniture back yesterday. I hate the way things are right now. Your things are stuffed in a closet and pushed to one side of the room. I was the one who was pushing to get things moved back. I thought it would help to have a purpose for that room again. It does have a purpose now. It's just not the purpose I wanted it to be.
I was reading a book the other day where a character was in the hospital. I had such a hard time reading that chapter. I kept getting flashbacks. I think it's like PTSD. I don't remember everything from my time in the hospital but comes back to me in flashes. It is all such a horrible memory. I keep trying to picture the same scenes but what I hope it will be like next time, with a live baby. How will it be different? I'm worried about the surgery again. When will I get to hold the baby? Will I be able to breast feed? No matter what happens it won't be you. And what if it happens again? What if we lose the next one? I'm not even worried about not being able to get pregnant again. That used to be my biggest fear. But now i'm terrified of losing another child. I don't think we could handle it again. That would be it. I know we would never try again. My heart aches too much. We were at our breaking point this time around and instead we got stronger. But I don't think we could survive it again. We would break. It's almost scary enough that I don't want to try again. Almost. I need a baby. I need to be a mom. I just miss you so much.
i love you,
mom