Bookshelf

Ellie,
Oh goodness I miss you so much right now. I went to a SHARE meeting tonight. I do like going, it is very helpful. It is good to tell our story and hear other people's stories. I think we do help each other out quite a bit. Nobody except Christ can know exactly what we are going through, but the other people at these meetings have gone through similar experiences and know much better than anyone else on earth right now. It's also nice to have my feelings validated. I don't feel like as much of a freak because I know other people are feeling and experiencing similar things. But, when I get home it's so anticlimactic. I realize that all i've done is open up that wound again and the pain is back. The last few days have been pretty good, but tonight the hole in my chest is back. It is healing. It's not as bad as it's been before and I think every time I open it up it does heal a little. But right now it just sucks. I'm depressed and I want to do self destructive things. I guess i'm not too bad. I'm not going to go knock over a 7-11. About as self destructive as I get is eating a big bowl of chocolate ice cream. But, when i'm trying to lose weight to be healthier for the next baby that seems like a big deal to me. So, now on top of everything else I feel guilty for eating the ice cream. It was no sugar added at least.
As i'm sitting here trying to go to bed I'm looking at my bookcase. On the top shelf I have What to Expect When You're Expecting and What to Expect the First Year. Next to those books, which are painful enough to think about right now, I have When Hello Means Goodbye, Running with Angels, and Gone Too Soon. How depressing. I did enjoy the last two but When Hello Means Goodbye upset me so much that I threw it across the living room when I tried to read it. I like reading these books and reading blogs and other stories online about people's baby loss, but again it's like opening up that wound every time. It's good but hard at the same time.
I wasn't going to write tonight because I had already written once today but I really needed to talk to you. I just really wish you were here. I'm putting off going to sleep because I know once I lay may head down on that pillow i'm going to cry. It just hurts too much. I miss you. I love you. Maybe i'll see you in my dreams. You are always in my heart.
Love always,
Mom