Ellie,
I'm doing a little better today. I don't want you to worry about me. I did get really low last night. I finally had Dad give me a blessing. I knew I needed it. It was and amazing experience. He always gives the best blessings. I think it's one of his gifts. It was long, longer than my patriarchal blessing, and it was very spiritual. I was kind of hoping he'd come right out and promise me that I would have kids that I could raise here on earth, but of course things don't really work that way. Not for me at least.
Talking to your dad always helps anyways. He's always able to make me feel better. It helps that usually he's up when i'm down. That's why it was so nice the other that I was up when he was down. It doesn't usually happen that way. It felt good to be able to help him out for a change. We ended up making a late night run to Smith's for snack food. Which, I know I shouldn't be comforting myself with food, but that's a completely different discussion.
I'm just so confused because I have good days. I have days where I don't have to force myself to be happy, where I truly am happy. I have days where think "wow, i'm not sad today". So, why am I back here to being really down? Right now i'm really hoping it's just PMS hormones. I did some research on postpartum depression. I seem to have all the symptoms right now but not all the time. Only sometimes. And how do I know if it's depression or if i'm just sad because my baby's dead?
I really am doing better today, I know it doesn't seem like it, but I am. Today I just need to do what I want to do and not force things. I'm going to get Dad to clean up today. The thank you card will wait and who cares if I made a complete mess on the kitchen table with all the scrapbooking stuff. I decided that is just too hard for me to deal with right now. The last thing I need right now is a trip down memory lane. Today i'm going to veg in front of the TV. Maybe go for a walk. I like walking. We went on a walk last night and I enjoyed that.
With all the comfort I felt last night after your dad gave me a blessing it still doesn't change the fact that I miss you terribly. I know the plan, I know i'll get to see you again, but with my limited mortal perception of time and space it seems so long and far away. I can't wait to see you. I love you.
Mom