searching

Ellie,

I keep searching for something that's not there. I check my email a million times a day and i'm obsessed with going to get the mail because I keep hoping that there will be something there that will make everything okay. I don't even know what i'm looking for. Do I expect you to answer these letters that I send you?

I go to store after store and shop online looking for something that I will never find. I'm looking for something that will fix the hurt inside. I'm looking for something that will make me happy again and I can't find it. I know money can't buy happiness but i've sure tried lately. Your dad has tried too. He oftentimes tries to buy me things to make me happier. And, I guess, for a few minutes they do. But there is not enough money in the world to buy me what I really want.

I have totally stressed myself out today trying to find a solution to this problem. My stomach is in a knot that I have never felt before. I feel a panic attack coming on. I've felt all day like i'm on the verge of hyperventilating. I cried so hard earlier that I almost threw up. I feel like puking now because my stomach is so tied up. I keep trying to find a solution to this problem. What do I do? Where do I go from here? How do I move on? I feel like I lost you and if I keep looking maybe I can find you.

It's been particularly rough today because your dad is down too. Usually we've been able to lean on each other. When one is down the other is up. Today it's been a struggle to help each other. I think i've been trying to move too fast. I expected now that it's been a month that I would be able to move on. I've been trying to force myself to move on. I had no idea it would be this hard. Who knew that a tiny person who was never alive outside of the womb could have such a profound effect on the world. Everything is different now. It hurts. I miss you. I want you with me, you are supposed to be here. I'm supposed to be able to hold you whenever I want to. I'm not supposed to cry all the time. Going to the movies didn't distract me as much as it used to. When i'm home I want to be gone and when i'm gone I just want to go home. I guess i'm still searching. Searching for something to make me happy, but I will never find you. I will never get to hold you. Will I go on searching forever? That's what it feels like. I don't see an end in sight today. I guess I need to stop trying to fix it right now. One step at a time. Get through this moment and move on to the next. Breathe in and breathe out. Put one foot in front of the other. I hope I will get through this eventually. I don't want to forget you I just don't want to hurt anymore.

I love you,

Mom