Ellie,

Well, I found that if I can get myself out of the house I end up having a pretty good day. We had so much fun celebrating your grandpa's birthday. I love being with family. They are so fun, I did find myself wishing you could have gotten to know all of them. They were all so looking forward to meeting you. You would have loved them.

Dad and I were talking tonight about how protective we are going to be of our future kids. Even after they are born we are going to be so nervous about them. I don't think it would have been so bad if we hadn't recently had those friends who lost their 3 month old. Dad was saying that he will never feel like we are in the clear because we thought we were in the clear with you. We joked that our kids will have to live in a bubble and they will hate us because we will never let them out of the house but at least they will be alive. It reminded me of the movie Finding Nemo.

Tomorrow is Sunday. I am already getting a little anxious and nervous about going to church. I really need to go because I have so enjoyed being able to go to Sunday School and Relief Society. It has been so good for me and I feel that I really need that extra uplifting. But, I feel guilty that I haven't done my calling since you were born ( I like to say since you were born instead of since you died, it just feels better). But, the thought of going back to do that calling really panics me. There are too many kids in primary. I just don't know if I can handle. I definitely know I can't handle going in to nursery.

I'm also nervous about talking to people about what we've been going through. It's still hard. Going to church just brings out so many emotions. I always cry all through Sacrament Meeting then I feel embarrassed for crying so much. It's hard too to see all the happy families with their kids and babies. We so want to be one of those families. We are still just the two of us. A young married couple that's not so young anymore.

It will be good for me to go. I always feel so much better after going. We need to get our recommends renewed anyway. I will think of you the whole time.

Love you,

Mom