Ellie,
I found myself not wanting to write today. I'm so disappointed that i'm having a bad day. Disappointed in myself I think. I never really understood what the term "heavy heart" meant until today. My heart actually feels like it weighs a ton today. I have been so amazed the last 8 weeks how emotion can manifest itself as physical pain. It truly makes me believe in the mind body connection. I am so down and depressed right now. I cried earlier like hadn't cried in a long time. You know the kind where you curl up in a ball under the covers bawl into your pillow. Dad keeps offering to give me a blessing. But, it's just a bad day. It will pass. I was just disappointed that I was back here. I think it might be hormonal. Maybe i'm just PMSing. I always get depressed at that time of the month.
We got to babysit again today. That did help me. I really enjoy holding that baby. It's nice to play house for a few hours. I think what really got me down was working on the thank you cards again. It is taking me so long to get them done because it's so hard. But I so want them to be over with.
I also decided to work on scrapbooking again. I was going through pictures and things I have kept over the last couple years. It was a heart wrenching project. I came across Christmas cards congratulating us on our pregnancy, baby shower cards, fathers and mothers day cards, lists of baby names, and various baby and pregnancy related keepsakes. Going down memory lane was hard. I remembered a happier time when we were happily expectant of your birth.
I wonder now if I was just naive to expect things to work out. Will I ever be that happy again? I will never have that blissful pregnancy. I will always be nervous for future pregnancies. Even if the pregnancy works I will be so worried about SIDS. I have met so many mothers who lost their babies to SIDS. When will it end? Will I ever feel safe? Will I ever not worry about my kids. I guess the answer is no. Good parents do always worry about their kids. I know my mom still worries about me.
I guess I should take comfort in the fact that I don't have to worry about you. Yes, you are gone but you are safe. You will never know temptation or pain. You will never get sick or get stood up on a date. You will never have to know the pain of losing a child. I don't know what it's like on your side of the veil. I imagine that you are happy.
I love you.
Mom
Don't be too hard on yourself; you'll have up days and down days for a long time. It's part of the grieving process - just because you've had several good days doesn't mean that you won't have days like this, and when you do, don't be disappointed in yourself. Just realize it's all part of the process.
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