empty again

Ellie,
Today I feel empty again. I sat in church feeling like something was missing the whole time. I should have a car seat on the bench next to me, a baby in my arms, and a diaper bag on the floor. Later at home your dad and I were watching TV. He looks over at me and says "did you just need something to hold?" I realized I had grabbed the blanket from off the couch and wadded it up into a ball and was squeezing it to my chest. I realized that I did need something to hold and I had subconsciously grabbed that blanket. I felt like I was trying to stuff it into my chest to fill the hole.
I got really bored tonight. I finished a project I had been working on and sat down with nothing to do. So, I did the laundry. Your dad offered to do the dishes and I let him. Later I wished I hadn't because again, I had nothing to do. It's hard for me when I find myself with nothing to do because I usually spiral into depression. I'm having a hard time enjoying things. My family is coming tomorrow for a few days. We have lots of activities planned. I'm hoping it can be a good, enjoyable distraction. I'll keep you updated.
Love,
Mom