muscles

Ellie,

It is 9:45 pm and I haven't really cried all day. I've had tears in my eyes a couple times. I've been trying to figure out why today was different from yesterday. I think maybe emotions are like muscles. I still feel all the emotions of missing you and longing for your but it's almost like i'm building up muscle to carry the burden. Sometimes my muscles are weak, like yesterday. And sometimes I push them too hard and don't let myself cry, then all of a sudden it becomes too much for me and I collapse under the burden.

We did have a great day today. I did think of you often. It is impossible to go anywhere without seeing babies and happy families. I was telling your dad that I really am ready to be a mom and have a family. I would have loved to be one of those moms toting around their children and all their gear. I would love to be pushing a huge stroller through a crowded gift shop. I wish I could worry about snacks, sunscreen, and keeping the kids from running off.

I worried that if I got pregnant really soon it would be like I was replacing. I realized today that this is not the case. I was just so ready to move on with my life. Grandpa told me today that it is amazing how life has changed the last for weeks. I replied that it's amazing how much life hasn't changed the last four weeks. Everything is back to the way it was before you came. I want the family life. I want to be a mom with snotty noses to wipe and diapers to change. I'm so ready for that.

The doctor said we can't try to have kids for 6 months. My body needs to heal. I told Dad that if I had it my way we would try right away. He, of course is logical and responsible. He reminded me that I need to heal. He also worries about money and wants to have some of the medical bills paid off from when you were born. Sometimes I wish he weren't so practical. Why can't he be so emotional like me? I guess it's good if one of us is smart.

I love you Elliephant. I'm looking forward to going to church in a different ward tomorrow. Don't get me wrong, I really love my ward and they have been so good to us, but I'm hoping i'll get less pitying glances and questions about how I am doing. I don't like lying and telling people i'm doing fine.

Love ya lots,

Mom