Ellie,
I shouldn't write only when i'm upset. People have been worried about me. I had my last doctor's appointment this morning. He was asking me how i've been coping. I told him I am still sad a lot, I cry every day but I can be happy. I am happy sometimes. I'm not always sad. I love to think about you and look at your pictures. You did bring joy to my life, not just pain.
This was my last doctor's appointment associated with you and the pregnancy. I was nervous about going back. There are so many memories there. Doing this last appointment was like closing a chapter of my life. I told the nurse if I didn't love them all so much i'd have to change doctors. They are just so nice there. The nurse gave me a big hug and told us how much they have been thinking about us and how sorry they are. My doctor has been wonderful. They did do some blood tests and tested the placenta. There was nothing wrong with you. You were perfect. You didn't have an infection or any chromosomal problems. There was no reason for you to die. In a weird way though that really comforted me. There wasn't anything that I could have done differently and there isn't genetic disorder. It was just a fluke. For some reason it just wasn't your time. It really wasn't my fault. He also said that the chances of this happening again are very small. I know I will worry for the next pregnancy but I do have the knowledge that there is nothing i'm predisposed to.
I haven't prayed much since you were born. I was talking to your dad about this the other day. I haven't had much to say to Heavenly Father. I've been worried that I would say something I would regret. Your dad explained that while he is God he is also my Heavenly Father. He understands that I am upset. So, he and I had a good long talk yesterday. It was very comforting. I've really been enjoying reading my scriptures. I've been reading in Job and studying about the atonement.
I love you Ellie. It's still hard but I am getting better. I didn't cry at all at the doctor's office today. I am really looking forward to going to see the last Harry Potter movie today. I do good if I can get out of the house everyday.
I love you baby girl,
Love,
Your mama