Ellie,
I had a very productive day today. I got up late but then I got right to work and did the dishes I hadn't done all weekend. I couldn't stop cleaning so I cleaned the whole kitchen and living room. By then dad had gotten up and started moving the office stuff back into your room. When you were coming along we moved our office into our bedroom and made you a nursery. We left your crib up because we didn't want to have to take apart and put together that beast again. But, everything is going back in and we rearranged the bedroom back to the way it was before with some minor differences. Things will never go back to the way they were before. You have changed our lives permanently and there are reminders of you everywhere. Moving things back today was very emotional. The worst though was when I came across a picture frame I had given your dad that said Daddy's Little Girl and had an ultrasound picture of you in it. He loved it when I gave it to him and we planned on keeping that on his desk and updating as you grew. What do I do with it now? Now it's just lying down on my desk with no place to go. Do I put it back on your dad's desk the way it is, do I put a picture of you in it, or do I save it for a future baby girl? I don't know what will be easiest for him?
We also went to the doctor's office and got my paper signed that says I can go back to work. It was hard going back there again. I didn't imagine myself going back there until we were pregnant again but I had forgotten to bring it to my appointment on Friday. I talked to my boss about it and she wants me to come in to some meetings on Wednesday. I am ready to go back to work physically but i'm not sure about emotionally. I've had a great deal of anxiety today about it. My tummy hurts again. I know I will have to do this eventually I just hadn't imagined it being so soon. I haven't prepared myself properly yet. Maybe it will be good for me to ease back into it.
I don't know baby girl. Some things just really suck right now. I have been blessed in so many ways because of your passing but mostly it really sucks. I really hate feeling that knot in my stomach that I feel right now. It will get better. I need to do something fun to distract myself. Maybe we will go and see a movie again.
I  love you so much. I wish you were here.
Love from,
your mama