Circles

Ellie,

Yesterday was a weird day. I woke up okay then while we were getting ready for church I noticed that your dad was having a rough day. It hit us all in sacrament meeting (Grandma and Grandpa too) that yesterday would have been the day we would have blessed you. I had always planned on that being the day because I knew that you would most likely be born in June sometime and that the 3rd would be the first fast Sunday. Your uncle Jon and his family were even planning on coming that weekend. So, of course I bawled in sacrament meeting which was embarrassing and that put me in a weird funk for the rest of church.

After church it took me some time but I eventually had a really great evening. We had steaks for dinner and Grandma bought stuff for s'mores. Then we all played a fun game of croquet. It was your dad's first time playing and we had a great time. Dad and I watched a movie and went to bed late.

For some reason while I was going to sleep I started to cry and it ended up being the hardest I've cried in a long time. It was like since I've had such a good day I had to pay for it by hurting more later. I told your dad that it's like when I'm happiest I also feel the saddest later. Grandpa would describe it like the ocean. It's not like I'm making progress in one direction or the other. It ebbs and flows like a wave on the beach.

Your dad was already asleep and it took some time before my crying finally woke him up and he comforted me. I should have woke him up earlier because he's always able to comfort me and I feel better. As it was my crying took me to a place that I am ashamed of now. I got mad at God and started mentally yelling at him. I demanded to know why. I wanted an explanation. The cliche answers weren't good enough for me. He doesn't need you as an angel he has plenty of angels. And why would he need you and not someone else's. If this is part of the plan then the plan sucks and I demand a rewrite. If God answered this railing I was giving him I wasn't in a place where I could listen. My own mind was yelling too loud to hear.

I know that God will not try us beyond what we can handle. When your dad finally woke up I told him that God was wrong. He had given me more than I could handle, I wasn't strong enough for this. And if God was wrong, if he'd made a mistake than he would cease to be God. So, there was no God. I told this to your dad and I thought he'd be shocked by what I was saying but all he did was hold be closer and say "I love you."

Then I acknowledged that no, I know there is a God, I can't deny that. So then I started saying that he doesn't love me. If he did then he wouldn't have done this to me. A parent who truly loves me wouldn't put me through this. Then I started feeling guilty. I'm not good enough. He has tested me and I've failed. He doesn't need to test me any more because I'm a failure. I've acknowledged that and accepted it. Again, your dad just held me and quietly reassured me (or, he was too tired to do anything else, I felt a little like the Savior with the apostles falling asleep while he was suffering in Gethsemane.) He did what was right and knew I just needed to work through these emotions.

I'm disappointed in myself this morning. Now I have some more repenting to do. I'm sure i'll get better at this grieving thing eventually. I want to get to the point where I feel sad that I miss you but i'm able to live a normal life. I'm sure there will still be times when I cry for the loss of you but I want to get to the point where I don't feel that pain inside. I don't want to feel that hole that eating away inside of me. I hope I can get to the point where I stop asking 'why' and I don't get mad at God anymore. Sometimes I feel like other women are better at this than me. I read about grieving and I read stories of what other people go through and they don't blame God. Why am I so weak? Job says of God: He is wise in heart, and mighty in strength: who hath hardened himself against him, and hath prospered? (Job 9:4).

I love you baby girl. I don't know why God took you away from me and I may never know. Your death seemed so senseless. I may never get over the loss of you.

Love, Mom