Walking

Ellie,
I've developed a new love for going on walks. I love getting out in the fresh air, watching birds and people, looking at plants and flower, and holding hands and talking with your dad. We've been trying to find new places to walk. We found a trail around a park that we really like. We've been going there but since today is Sunday we decided to keep it simple and just walk around the apartment complex. Today has been a pretty good day. I've felt pretty strong and happy today. I thought it would be hard because we were going to a friend's baby blessing in a different ward. But, it was good to go and support them. However, for some reason walking around the apartments triggered the hole growing in my chest again. I think it's because it's the same route we used to take when I was pregnant with you. I remember your dad was so protective of us. He would always make sure to hold on to me any time we had to go down any steps.
There isn't much I can do right now to move on with my life. School doesn't start for another month and we can't try to get pregnant for another 4 1/2 months. Your dad has had difficulty finding a job in his field but I think he has found something else to work towards. I can't do much right now to move on. The only thing I can think of is getting myself in better physical shape before my next pregnancy. The doctor said if I lost 30-40 pounds it would greatly increase my chances of getting pregnant and even help me have a healthier pregnancy. I was hoping to lose 50 before we started trying again but I don't think that's going to happen because i've only been able to maintain my weight recently. However, considering all the crap i've eaten lately I think that's pretty good. I am getting better at buckling down. I think once I get back on track i'll do pretty good. It would help if people would stop bringing me cookies :)
I love you, and think about you all the time. I'm not trying to move on and forget  you. I could never forget you. You have changed my life and perspective permanently. You will always be my little girl.
I love you.
Mom