Ellie,

I wish I could check off the stages of grief in a checklist and be done with them. I hate this cycling through the stages over and over. Tonight i'm back at the "why did this have to happen?" stage. I'm happy sometimes but it's nothing compared to how happy I should be right now. We were watching a movie tonight where a main character dies. This is one of my favorite movies and I always get sad when he dies but I guess i'm just fragile enough right now that it really affected me. I sat on the couch watching with tears pouring down. After he dies his friend kneels beside him and puts his hand on his chest to feel his heart. It reminded me of watching the doctor searching for your heartbeat. Looking at the ultrasound and seeing your heart still was easily the worst moment of my life. I was a little worried that they couldn't find your heart beat but seeing your heart still made mine break. I told your dad tonight that it is amazing how one little person who never even lived could give me the best moment of my life and the worst moment of my life. Two moments I will never forget are the moments where the test said pregnant and the moment I saw your still heart.

I can't believe I don't have you to hold. I always knew it was a possibility but I never really thought it would happen to me. This is the kind of thing that only happens to other people. Why do I have to be the one that has to deal with this? I wish you were here. It's not fair that I can't have you. I just love you so much. I will always be loving you.

Love,

Mom