good day

Ellie,
Well, I haven't cried yet today. If I make it 45 more minutes will be the first day since you died that I haven't cried. I still get sad and I did get a little teary eyed a couple of times but no tears spilled over. I actually feel like I need to do something to myself cry. I don't feel guilty for not crying but I do feel like I might not be a good mom. I had another mom tell me that after her baby died she cried every day for a year. I feel like I have to do that too. Like, if I don't cry every day for a year than I'm not sad enough. I know that's not true though. I still thought of you quite a bit today and I still miss you. I am still sad that you're not here. I've really felt the past few days that part of our family was missing. I even paused for a second thinking I should be doing something like checking on the baby. I had planned on being a mom and having a little one at this point. I should have a baby to check on. You should be here. It sucks that you aren't.
Well, I haven't cried yet. Only 25 more minutes to go. I think i'm going to make it.  I love you baby girl. I wish you were here.
Love, your mama