Dreams

Ellie,
I've had a couple, I guess you could call them scary, dreams. They were a little disturbing. My friend whose baby died dreams of her baby. She's even dreamt that her baby was all grown up and they were talking. I wish I could have a dream like that. A vision of you. Your dad always makes fun of me because my dreams are so detailed. He says I could write books or movies based on my dreams.
Last week, I can't remember if i've already told you this or not, but last week I dreamt that I was in church. A man was sitting behind us from our old ward back in New Mexico. He leaned forward and said "didn't you guys have a baby". I turned around and whispered in his ear "yes, but she died". He couldn't hear me. I kept having to say it louder and louder until finally I was screaming in the middle of church, "MY BABY DIED". That was quite possibly the worst dream i've ever had.
Last night I had another dream. Your dad and I were standing outside. There were a bunch of other people there. All of a sudden people started pointing at the sun and talking nervously. I looked up and could tell immediately that something was wrong. The sun went black then exploded. I knew instantly that we were all going to die. It was the end of the world. I turned towards your dad and hugged him. Then I just started saying your name over and over. I knew we only had seconds to live and I wasn't scared. I was ready. I knew it wouldn't hurt. Then I would get to be with you. I was happy.
One of the ways that people try to comfort me is by saying that I will get to be with you someday. I will get to see you and raise you. But, I don't want to just be waiting for this life to be over. We are here for a reason and I want to live my life. I would rather live it with you but that's not a possibility right now. I want to live and be happy. I don't want to look forward to the next 60-70 years passing quickly. (I'm not going to speed up that process, don't worry, i'm not that depressed).  I want to be able to enjoy the life that I have. I don't want it to be ruined by constantly mourning you. I do anticipate the time that I can see you again. But I need to learn to move on with the life that I have and enjoy it as much as possible. I do anticipate seeing you but I also anticipate seeing any brothers and sisters you may have here on earth. I want to live that dream.
I do love you very much. I know I will get to see you again. I need to accept the fact that it's not going to be for a very long time.
Mom