I am Atlas.
The weight of the sky is on my shoulders.
I must stop it from crushing the world,
from crushing me.
The pressure is unbearable.
I must endure.
How can I endure?
I've become good at forcing tears back inside me.
I must not let them out because if I do I won't be able to hold the sky,
and it will crush me.
I brace myself,
and set in to endure.
The weight, the pain will never go away.
Slowly ... I get used to it.
Eventually I do not notice it so I loosen my grip.
Big mistake.
Now it is worse than before.
Again, it presses on me.
I can hold it, i've done it before.
Force the tears back in.
The cycle starts again.
Except I can hold it a little longer this time before it starts to crush me again, push back.
I am not Atlas, just a woman, with pain pressing on my heart.
I am not a Titan, but
I can do it.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
The Holidays
Ellie,
Well, in ways the holidays were pretty rough but in other ways they were easier than I though they would be. I knew they would be hard. I knew it would be hard to be around my nieces. But, things weren't really as bad as I thought they would be.
I did miss you so terribly much. I felt you near quite often. I so wish you could have been there. I had a lot of fun with my nieces. They are so cute it is hard not to love them. I did feel myself being jealous a lot though. It was hard for me when they only wanted mommy and daddy. I want somebody to want me like that. I had a lot of fun playing with them too but sometimes it was hard seeing other people have so much fun with them. I wanted you to be there for your grandparents to love and play with.
There were little ways in which we remembered you. Daddy and I have special ornaments on our tree for you. I was going to get you a stocking but I couldn't find the perfect one so I didn't put up any stockings at all. Uncle Jon and Aunt Kristen had the idea of singing a song to you. The idea was that maybe if you were close by you could hear it. So, we all sang I am a Child of God to you on Christmas Eve. I think that will be a new tradition. Grandma also got you a baby doll. She so wanted to go shopping for you and buy you Christmas presents that she just couldn't resist.
I guess the hardest time for me was the evening of Christmas day and the next day. Dad had to give me a blessing I was so upset. I think the let down from Christmas hit me pretty hard. The future looked so dark to me, I didn't see any hope or anything to look forward too. The blessing helped so much but I'm still pretty down. It's been a rough week. It's been so nice to be with family and I really miss them now that they are all gone home. I love Daddy and it's so nice to be with him but sometimes it's lonely just being the two of us. It was nice having a lot of people around. I feel your loss greatly right now. I feel empty and lonely even when i'm with other people.
I need something to look forward to, something to plan and keep me occupied. My Christmas decorations are down, work is starting but I have nothing to look forward to. I'm worried about going off track in a couple of weeks. It's going to be really hard to be home alone for three weeks. I was telling dad the other day that I wanted to go shopping for baby stuff. He said no, of course, but I think the reason I want to is because I so enjoyed shopping for baby stuff. I loved having something to plan and look forward to. For a little while I at least had grandma's birthday and Christmas to plan and prepare for. I guess dad's birthday is coming up but that's not enough. I will have to think of something.
I'm already thinking about what we are going to do for your birthday. I need something to plan and look forward to. I need it to be a fun day. I don't know i've thought of having a barbeque or going to Lagoon. I will think about it.
I was thinking this morning about how i'm never really going to be better. I'm always going to miss you and there will always be a part of me that will be sad. I'm just going to have to learn to deal with it and get along with my life. That's kind of a depressing thought but in a way it helps me because I can stop waiting to be better. I'm not sick, i'm different. I'm just going to have to accept the new me.
I love you so much. Always remember that.
Mom
Well, in ways the holidays were pretty rough but in other ways they were easier than I though they would be. I knew they would be hard. I knew it would be hard to be around my nieces. But, things weren't really as bad as I thought they would be.
I did miss you so terribly much. I felt you near quite often. I so wish you could have been there. I had a lot of fun with my nieces. They are so cute it is hard not to love them. I did feel myself being jealous a lot though. It was hard for me when they only wanted mommy and daddy. I want somebody to want me like that. I had a lot of fun playing with them too but sometimes it was hard seeing other people have so much fun with them. I wanted you to be there for your grandparents to love and play with.
There were little ways in which we remembered you. Daddy and I have special ornaments on our tree for you. I was going to get you a stocking but I couldn't find the perfect one so I didn't put up any stockings at all. Uncle Jon and Aunt Kristen had the idea of singing a song to you. The idea was that maybe if you were close by you could hear it. So, we all sang I am a Child of God to you on Christmas Eve. I think that will be a new tradition. Grandma also got you a baby doll. She so wanted to go shopping for you and buy you Christmas presents that she just couldn't resist.
I guess the hardest time for me was the evening of Christmas day and the next day. Dad had to give me a blessing I was so upset. I think the let down from Christmas hit me pretty hard. The future looked so dark to me, I didn't see any hope or anything to look forward too. The blessing helped so much but I'm still pretty down. It's been a rough week. It's been so nice to be with family and I really miss them now that they are all gone home. I love Daddy and it's so nice to be with him but sometimes it's lonely just being the two of us. It was nice having a lot of people around. I feel your loss greatly right now. I feel empty and lonely even when i'm with other people.
I need something to look forward to, something to plan and keep me occupied. My Christmas decorations are down, work is starting but I have nothing to look forward to. I'm worried about going off track in a couple of weeks. It's going to be really hard to be home alone for three weeks. I was telling dad the other day that I wanted to go shopping for baby stuff. He said no, of course, but I think the reason I want to is because I so enjoyed shopping for baby stuff. I loved having something to plan and look forward to. For a little while I at least had grandma's birthday and Christmas to plan and prepare for. I guess dad's birthday is coming up but that's not enough. I will have to think of something.
I'm already thinking about what we are going to do for your birthday. I need something to plan and look forward to. I need it to be a fun day. I don't know i've thought of having a barbeque or going to Lagoon. I will think about it.
I was thinking this morning about how i'm never really going to be better. I'm always going to miss you and there will always be a part of me that will be sad. I'm just going to have to learn to deal with it and get along with my life. That's kind of a depressing thought but in a way it helps me because I can stop waiting to be better. I'm not sick, i'm different. I'm just going to have to accept the new me.
I love you so much. Always remember that.
Mom
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
10 Places on Earth I am Grateful for
Ellie,
Today is one of those days where being at work has made me feel better. I didn't sleep well and woke up feeling yucky. I was down all morning. I really considered not coming in to work today. But, I came, i'm here and it actually lifted me up. I'm enjoying my students today and i'm feeling a lot better than I was earlier.
Grandma's birthday is today and i'm so excited. I get to go and see everyone tonight and I get to give her the present i've been working on for over a month. I am way excited about that. I can't wait to see her reaction. I know she is going to love it. It has been nice to have this to focus on when Christmas gets me down.
I have so many places I like to go and so many more that I would love to go to.
1. San Diego. We have vacationed there so many times as a kid. That is where I went on my honeymoon and we have been back there three times since then. Once with the Adams', once with Melissa's family, and once by ourselves. It's my favorite place in the whole world. I haven't been everywhere but nothing could compare, mostly because I have so many memories there. Every spring it calls to me. I get this desire deep down inside to see the ocean.
2. Yelllowstone. Again, I have been there more times than I can count. It is so amazing.
3. Grandma's house. When I was a kid if I was stressed out I would close my eyes and picture myself there. It is total peace, calm, and joy.
4. I don't know if this is really considered a place on earth but I have to list my bed. I love being in bed and being warm and cozy. It has been that way my whole life but now it's even better now that I have daddy and a kitty to cuddle.
5. Las Cruces. I really do miss it sometimes. Especially during nostalgic times like Christmas. That's where I grew up and met Dad. I really miss the luminarias at Christmas time.
6. The temple. Any temple really but especially Mesa because that was my first one and Albuquerque because that's where we became and eternal family.
7. Cokeville. So many good memories there. We usually spent a month there in the summer and the whole Christmas break.
8. This may seem weird but I have to put in the Cokeville cemetery. You and my grandpa a buried there among more of my family. I don't exactly have great memories from there but it holds a special place in my heart.
9. Disneyland. I've only been there once but it was such an amazing experience. So magical.
10. Anywhere my family is.
Today is one of those days where being at work has made me feel better. I didn't sleep well and woke up feeling yucky. I was down all morning. I really considered not coming in to work today. But, I came, i'm here and it actually lifted me up. I'm enjoying my students today and i'm feeling a lot better than I was earlier.
Grandma's birthday is today and i'm so excited. I get to go and see everyone tonight and I get to give her the present i've been working on for over a month. I am way excited about that. I can't wait to see her reaction. I know she is going to love it. It has been nice to have this to focus on when Christmas gets me down.
I have so many places I like to go and so many more that I would love to go to.
1. San Diego. We have vacationed there so many times as a kid. That is where I went on my honeymoon and we have been back there three times since then. Once with the Adams', once with Melissa's family, and once by ourselves. It's my favorite place in the whole world. I haven't been everywhere but nothing could compare, mostly because I have so many memories there. Every spring it calls to me. I get this desire deep down inside to see the ocean.
2. Yelllowstone. Again, I have been there more times than I can count. It is so amazing.
3. Grandma's house. When I was a kid if I was stressed out I would close my eyes and picture myself there. It is total peace, calm, and joy.
4. I don't know if this is really considered a place on earth but I have to list my bed. I love being in bed and being warm and cozy. It has been that way my whole life but now it's even better now that I have daddy and a kitty to cuddle.
5. Las Cruces. I really do miss it sometimes. Especially during nostalgic times like Christmas. That's where I grew up and met Dad. I really miss the luminarias at Christmas time.
6. The temple. Any temple really but especially Mesa because that was my first one and Albuquerque because that's where we became and eternal family.
7. Cokeville. So many good memories there. We usually spent a month there in the summer and the whole Christmas break.
8. This may seem weird but I have to put in the Cokeville cemetery. You and my grandpa a buried there among more of my family. I don't exactly have great memories from there but it holds a special place in my heart.
9. Disneyland. I've only been there once but it was such an amazing experience. So magical.
10. Anywhere my family is.
10 things about today that I am grateful for.
Ellie, I had a rough night last night. So, once again I feel the need to get on here and think about what i'm grateful for. This topic is a good one. I'm not very grateful for today because of a number of reasons including hating to work all week while my family is all together for Christmas and i'm missing you soooo much. I know those are valid reasons to not be grateful for today but if I just keep thinking of all the things that are upsetting me today and I can make a list 100 long. So, this will be a good exercise for me today. I'm going to find things all day i'm grateful for and see how long I can make this list.
1. the homemade peanut butter cup I ate this morning before coming to work
2. indoor plumbing, I love being able to shower everyday, I was actually thinking that this morning while I was showering
3. my christmas tree with presents under it, last year we were pretty poor and our tree was pretty empty
4. so I guess that brings me to jobs, i'm glad we both have jobs even though I hate getting up early and being apart so much, I feel so blessed that we both have employment right now
5. My students, they drive me crazy sometimes but today they are cute. I know they are just as excited for Christmas as I am.
6. the chocolate people gave me
7. the presents my students brought me
8. I am grateful that I am almost done with my mom's birthday present. It has been in progress for a month and I am so excited to give it to her.
9. Cell phones, so I can keep in touch with my family.
10. I wasn't as crabby today as I was yesterday
11. Daddy wanted to go out to dinner tonight.
12. the homemade peanut butter cup I ate after dinner tonight
13. my cuddly kitty who greeted me when I got home
Well, I was hoping to get more but considering the kind of day I had I think that's pretty good.
1. the homemade peanut butter cup I ate this morning before coming to work
2. indoor plumbing, I love being able to shower everyday, I was actually thinking that this morning while I was showering
3. my christmas tree with presents under it, last year we were pretty poor and our tree was pretty empty
4. so I guess that brings me to jobs, i'm glad we both have jobs even though I hate getting up early and being apart so much, I feel so blessed that we both have employment right now
5. My students, they drive me crazy sometimes but today they are cute. I know they are just as excited for Christmas as I am.
6. the chocolate people gave me
7. the presents my students brought me
8. I am grateful that I am almost done with my mom's birthday present. It has been in progress for a month and I am so excited to give it to her.
9. Cell phones, so I can keep in touch with my family.
10. I wasn't as crabby today as I was yesterday
11. Daddy wanted to go out to dinner tonight.
12. the homemade peanut butter cup I ate after dinner tonight
13. my cuddly kitty who greeted me when I got home
Well, I was hoping to get more but considering the kind of day I had I think that's pretty good.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
10 Things about nature that I am grateful for
Ellie, my heart is heavy today so I feel the need to make myself think of things again that I am grateful for.
1. The smell of rain, but especially in Southern New Mexico. The smell of rain in the desert is the most wonderful smell in the world. I miss it a lot.
2. White Christmas'. I worry that we may not have one this year. I don't want the world to be just dark and dead on Christmas. If I can't have you for Christmas I at least want snow.
3. I love hiking up into a mountain or around a lake and being away from any roads. I love the quiet or not the quiet but the sound of the forest or whatever wilderness i'm in.
4. Stars. I have always loved looking at the stars and wondering at the vastness of space. I love that I get to teach astronomy to my students. I have great memories of going out to the desert to look at the stars with my family.
5. The Ocean. There is something so magical and peaceful about the ocean. I love swimming in and feelings its power. I love gazing at it and watching and hearing its rhythmic motion. I love colors.
6. Sunsets are beautiful anywhere. My two favorite places to watch the sun set are in Las Cruces and on the beach. Las Cruces is open you get to see big beautiful skies with lots of colors.
7. I love watching a flower I have planted begin to grow and bloom.
8. I love Yellowstone. We have been there more times than I can count. It has great memories associated with it. I love the forest, the animals, that canyon, the lake, and all the fascinating geysers. There is no place like it in the world. I like to imagine what the first explorers or the Native Americans thought when they came across that place.
9. Manatees and Platypus'. They are such interesting animals. I know God got a kick out of creating the Duck Billed Platypus. He probably knew that would really screw up our categorizing system. Hmmm a mammal that lays eggs and shoots poisonous quills, good idea.
10. Thick freshly mowed grass. Grass is amazing. It is the only plant that can live through us constantly walking, running, and playing sports on top off.
1. The smell of rain, but especially in Southern New Mexico. The smell of rain in the desert is the most wonderful smell in the world. I miss it a lot.
2. White Christmas'. I worry that we may not have one this year. I don't want the world to be just dark and dead on Christmas. If I can't have you for Christmas I at least want snow.
3. I love hiking up into a mountain or around a lake and being away from any roads. I love the quiet or not the quiet but the sound of the forest or whatever wilderness i'm in.
4. Stars. I have always loved looking at the stars and wondering at the vastness of space. I love that I get to teach astronomy to my students. I have great memories of going out to the desert to look at the stars with my family.
5. The Ocean. There is something so magical and peaceful about the ocean. I love swimming in and feelings its power. I love gazing at it and watching and hearing its rhythmic motion. I love colors.
6. Sunsets are beautiful anywhere. My two favorite places to watch the sun set are in Las Cruces and on the beach. Las Cruces is open you get to see big beautiful skies with lots of colors.
7. I love watching a flower I have planted begin to grow and bloom.
8. I love Yellowstone. We have been there more times than I can count. It has great memories associated with it. I love the forest, the animals, that canyon, the lake, and all the fascinating geysers. There is no place like it in the world. I like to imagine what the first explorers or the Native Americans thought when they came across that place.
9. Manatees and Platypus'. They are such interesting animals. I know God got a kick out of creating the Duck Billed Platypus. He probably knew that would really screw up our categorizing system. Hmmm a mammal that lays eggs and shoots poisonous quills, good idea.
10. Thick freshly mowed grass. Grass is amazing. It is the only plant that can live through us constantly walking, running, and playing sports on top off.
Friday, December 9, 2011
10 Living people I am grateful for
Ellie, it is going to be really hard to narrow this down to 10. There have been so many people that have touched our lives recently. Some of these might be individual people but i'm also going to have to include groups of people.
1. This of course has to be dad.
2. Mom and Dad. I know they would do anything for me and they grieved just as much as we did.
3. All of our family members. There are too many to list individually but I love them all and know that they love us too.
4. Heidi Vawdrey. She was the one who took our pictures in the hospital. She has been my friend ever since. She has created a blog for the mom's that she takes pictures of. They are a great support group. She is a photographer for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS)
5. Bishop Jenson. I think since his wife died a few years ago he has been the perfect bishop for us. He knows how grieving works. I will never forget how he drove all the way to Cokeville, WY for your graveside service.
6. Jenny and Derek Maples. They were really there for us in our worst time. They were friends for us in the best way. They spent time with us and always invited us over. They were sensitive to our situation but never pressured us.
7. Our ward was amazing to us.
8. I have to put my coworkers on this list. I had no idea how much they loved me until my boss came with the $700 that they had raised for us. We were totally amazed.
9. Jessica Young and her husband. Jessica is a SHARE board member and she came on a Sunday with her husband to do hand a foot molds for Ellie.
10. The SHARE organization. An amazing support group.
1. This of course has to be dad.
2. Mom and Dad. I know they would do anything for me and they grieved just as much as we did.
3. All of our family members. There are too many to list individually but I love them all and know that they love us too.
4. Heidi Vawdrey. She was the one who took our pictures in the hospital. She has been my friend ever since. She has created a blog for the mom's that she takes pictures of. They are a great support group. She is a photographer for Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS)
5. Bishop Jenson. I think since his wife died a few years ago he has been the perfect bishop for us. He knows how grieving works. I will never forget how he drove all the way to Cokeville, WY for your graveside service.
6. Jenny and Derek Maples. They were really there for us in our worst time. They were friends for us in the best way. They spent time with us and always invited us over. They were sensitive to our situation but never pressured us.
7. Our ward was amazing to us.
8. I have to put my coworkers on this list. I had no idea how much they loved me until my boss came with the $700 that they had raised for us. We were totally amazed.
9. Jessica Young and her husband. Jessica is a SHARE board member and she came on a Sunday with her husband to do hand a foot molds for Ellie.
10. The SHARE organization. An amazing support group.
Attention all photographers.
This is a link to a post that my good friend Heidi Vawdrey made.
http://angelmamas.blogspot.com/2011/12/recruitment-effort.html
She is the amazing woman who photographed Ellie and us in the hospital. Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS) is in desperate need of photographers. This is the most amazing service you could possibly give to another human being. If you are interested please contact me or NILMDTS http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/.
THANKS!
http://angelmamas.blogspot.com/2011/12/recruitment-effort.html
She is the amazing woman who photographed Ellie and us in the hospital. Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS) is in desperate need of photographers. This is the most amazing service you could possibly give to another human being. If you are interested please contact me or NILMDTS http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/.
THANKS!
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
10 material possessions I am grateful for
Ellie, Okay i'm kind of having a hard time with that. I don't really consider myself very materialistic. I think these ideas were created with teenagers in mind.
1. Kindle Fire- The perfect accessory for an avid reader and facebook addict
2. My mommy necklace with a pearl and a heart
3. My phone so I can keep in touch with daddy and other family.
4. My kitchenaid mixer. It was so cute how excited dad was when he could finally afford to buy that for me.
5. My bed. It's not the fanciest but it's my most favorite comfy place.
6. A beautiful Cinderella doll that dad bought for me when we were first married.
7. The wii. It's the best game system ever. We can play together and I have fun working out on the wii fit.
8. Books. I love my kindle but I also love having books. I would love to have an amazing book collection someday.
9. scrapbooks and pictures (now i'm trying to think of what I would save in a fire)
10. All of the baby stuff we bought and my maternity clothes. Being prego was so fun.
1. Kindle Fire- The perfect accessory for an avid reader and facebook addict
2. My mommy necklace with a pearl and a heart
3. My phone so I can keep in touch with daddy and other family.
4. My kitchenaid mixer. It was so cute how excited dad was when he could finally afford to buy that for me.
5. My bed. It's not the fanciest but it's my most favorite comfy place.
6. A beautiful Cinderella doll that dad bought for me when we were first married.
7. The wii. It's the best game system ever. We can play together and I have fun working out on the wii fit.
8. Books. I love my kindle but I also love having books. I would love to have an amazing book collection someday.
9. scrapbooks and pictures (now i'm trying to think of what I would save in a fire)
10. All of the baby stuff we bought and my maternity clothes. Being prego was so fun.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Gratefulness
Ellie,
Today dad and I were reading the 1st presidency message in the Ensign. The topic was about being grateful. We decided that this was perfect for us this month because we want to focus on all the things we do have instead of what we don't have. After the message there was an activity for the youth to do. I though this would be a good activity for me to do this month.
The challenge is to write 100 things that you are grateful for. They break it down in to 10 categories to make it easier. Each day i'm going to write about one of those categories and when I run out of categories i'll make up my own.
So today i'm starting with the category physical abilities:
1. I am grateful that I can carry children. This is an amazing blessing for women and I realize that some women do not have this ability or have lost it. It took us so long to get pregnant with you I was worried I wasn't able to, but now I know I can.
2. I am grateful that I can walk.
3. I am grateful that I can see.
4. I am grateful that I can hear.
5. I am grateful that I can sing.
6. I am grateful that I can taste. I love to eat.
7. I am grateful that I don't have any lifelong diseases.
8. I am grateful that I don't have any physical deformities (as long as you don't count my puny pinkie toenails).
9. I am grateful for the ability to heal quickly. My body went through a lot when you were born and that recovery process was pretty rough but I am grateful that it went well. I have a pretty nasty scar but I am healed and pretty much back to normal other than that.
10. I am grateful for the ability to cry. Would that be considered a physical ability? I have found crying to be very therapeutic. Sometimes I feel much better after I let those tears out.
I love you baby girl.
Good night.
Today dad and I were reading the 1st presidency message in the Ensign. The topic was about being grateful. We decided that this was perfect for us this month because we want to focus on all the things we do have instead of what we don't have. After the message there was an activity for the youth to do. I though this would be a good activity for me to do this month.
The challenge is to write 100 things that you are grateful for. They break it down in to 10 categories to make it easier. Each day i'm going to write about one of those categories and when I run out of categories i'll make up my own.
So today i'm starting with the category physical abilities:
1. I am grateful that I can carry children. This is an amazing blessing for women and I realize that some women do not have this ability or have lost it. It took us so long to get pregnant with you I was worried I wasn't able to, but now I know I can.
2. I am grateful that I can walk.
3. I am grateful that I can see.
4. I am grateful that I can hear.
5. I am grateful that I can sing.
6. I am grateful that I can taste. I love to eat.
7. I am grateful that I don't have any lifelong diseases.
8. I am grateful that I don't have any physical deformities (as long as you don't count my puny pinkie toenails).
9. I am grateful for the ability to heal quickly. My body went through a lot when you were born and that recovery process was pretty rough but I am grateful that it went well. I have a pretty nasty scar but I am healed and pretty much back to normal other than that.
10. I am grateful for the ability to cry. Would that be considered a physical ability? I have found crying to be very therapeutic. Sometimes I feel much better after I let those tears out.
I love you baby girl.
Good night.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
Warning! don't read this at work, it will make you cry. And then people will give you funny looks.
~What makes a mother~
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked " What makes a Mother?
And I know I heard Him say
"A Mother has a baby
This we know is true"
But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?
"Yes, you can,"
He replied,
With confidence in His voice
When they leave is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.
"I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby to be here.
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw the tear.
"I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today
If you could see your child's smile
With all the other children and say..
"We go to Earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her every day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow's where I lay
I stroke here hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here"
"So you see my dear sweet ones your children are okay
Your babies are born here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson's through
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you
So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of right from the very start
Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother until their time is done
They'll be up here with Me one day and know that you are the best one!
(Author Unknown)
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked " What makes a Mother?
And I know I heard Him say
"A Mother has a baby
This we know is true"
But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?
"Yes, you can,"
He replied,
With confidence in His voice
When they leave is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there's no need to stay.
"I just don't understand this God,
I want my baby to be here.
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw the tear.
"I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today
If you could see your child's smile
With all the other children and say..
"We go to Earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her every day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow's where I lay
I stroke here hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here"
"So you see my dear sweet ones your children are okay
Your babies are born here in My home
And this is where they'll stay
They'll wait for you with Me
Until your lesson's through
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you
So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
It's the love you had so much of right from the very start
Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother until their time is done
They'll be up here with Me one day and know that you are the best one!
(Author Unknown)
Thursday, December 1, 2011
ready!
Ellie,
I've been feeling guilty about not writing more lately. I used to write every day, and at first that was my goal but i'm finding I need it as much anymore. I talk with you often anyway and I know you are watching over us so I don't feel like I need to tell you everything that happens in our lives. This is still a good outlet though for some feelings that I don't usually express out loud to you, dad, or anyone else.
I still think of you every day, and maybe I always will, but it doesn't hurt as much as it used to. Or maybe it still does but I can handle it better. I'm kind of used to it. I still get stabs of pain through my heart sometimes. Seeing your picture always does it to me but it doesn't make me break down like it used to. No that I never cry anymore. It still happens, just not as often. I feel like in general though, in other parts of life, I cry a lot easier. I can't watch the news much any more because I cry every time somebody dies, and living in the Salt Lake Valley that's pretty much every day.
I am having my ups and downs with Christmas coming up. I love my family and I really love my nieces but sometimes they are just a reminder of what I lost. I really hate that I feel that way. I want to be a good aunt and be as wonderful to them as my aunt was to me. I hope it will get better the more I get to know them.
On Sunday will be the 6 month anniversary of the day you were born. I can't believe it has been half a year already. In some ways it feels like a lifetime and in some ways it feels like yesterday. 6 months also marks the day when we can start trying to get pregnant again. I have very mixed feelings about this too. Some days I am all gung ho about it and some days I don't think i'm ready. It would be so wonderful to have another baby but I know i'm going to be a basket case the whole time. I was thinking last night about how weird it would be to be pregnant with a baby that wasn't you. Because I don't have you here to hold and feel the difference I'm sure sometimes i'd get confused and feel it was you again. Or maybe i'll start feeling that baby's spirit right away and it will be easy to distinguish the difference. We will see. I don't know if we are ready to start trying now anyway. We need to make sure we are ready.
I love you so much,
Mom
I've been feeling guilty about not writing more lately. I used to write every day, and at first that was my goal but i'm finding I need it as much anymore. I talk with you often anyway and I know you are watching over us so I don't feel like I need to tell you everything that happens in our lives. This is still a good outlet though for some feelings that I don't usually express out loud to you, dad, or anyone else.
I still think of you every day, and maybe I always will, but it doesn't hurt as much as it used to. Or maybe it still does but I can handle it better. I'm kind of used to it. I still get stabs of pain through my heart sometimes. Seeing your picture always does it to me but it doesn't make me break down like it used to. No that I never cry anymore. It still happens, just not as often. I feel like in general though, in other parts of life, I cry a lot easier. I can't watch the news much any more because I cry every time somebody dies, and living in the Salt Lake Valley that's pretty much every day.
I am having my ups and downs with Christmas coming up. I love my family and I really love my nieces but sometimes they are just a reminder of what I lost. I really hate that I feel that way. I want to be a good aunt and be as wonderful to them as my aunt was to me. I hope it will get better the more I get to know them.
On Sunday will be the 6 month anniversary of the day you were born. I can't believe it has been half a year already. In some ways it feels like a lifetime and in some ways it feels like yesterday. 6 months also marks the day when we can start trying to get pregnant again. I have very mixed feelings about this too. Some days I am all gung ho about it and some days I don't think i'm ready. It would be so wonderful to have another baby but I know i'm going to be a basket case the whole time. I was thinking last night about how weird it would be to be pregnant with a baby that wasn't you. Because I don't have you here to hold and feel the difference I'm sure sometimes i'd get confused and feel it was you again. Or maybe i'll start feeling that baby's spirit right away and it will be easy to distinguish the difference. We will see. I don't know if we are ready to start trying now anyway. We need to make sure we are ready.
I love you so much,
Mom
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Thanksgiving
Ellie,
Thanksgiving was such a great time. It was so wonderful to be with family and eat lots of good food. I wasn't prego this year so I didn't throw up my pecan pie:) We actually ended up having 3 thanksgiving dinners. One, at grandma and grandpa's, on with our friends on Saturday, and one with just us on Sunday so we could have leftovers.
I was really excited to see all of my family for the long weekend but I was having a bit of a hard time when we were on our way to leave. I kept feeling like I was forgetting something. I was thinking about how I should have been packing a bunch of baby stuff. We had been on the road for about 10 minutes when I looked back in the rearview mirror wishing I could see a baby car seat in the back and wishing you were with us. I saw the snowflake in our rear windshield that we got at the SHARE walk last month. I suddenly got the distinct impression that you were there with us. It was like you were saying to me "I am here". There were a couple of other moments like that where I felt you especially near. It was very special.
You know it's stupid because if somebody had told me 6 months ago that they felt the presence of their dead child I would have scoffed. I am not really a believer in that kind of thing. I thought people felt that only because they wanted to and it wasn't really real. It's amazing how I have become a believer. I can definitely tell the difference between feeling you close just because i'm thinking about you and those sudden inexplicable moments when I feel you near.
I love you very much. I am glad that you have been able to spend some of the special family time with us this Thanksgiving. I hope we get to have you near for Christmas.
Love,
Mom
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Thanksgiving
Ellie,
I am so excited for Thanksgiving. For some reason i'm just not dreading it like I am Christmas. I am so looking forward to a few days off of work, time with family, and lots of good food. I think it also helps that I got a bonus today. Having a little bit of money for once is really nice. Daddy and I are buying ourselves presents today. They aren't early Christmas presents, because we still want good Christmas presents, they are out baby died presents. We just need something wholly materialistic to make ourselves feel better. I know it's silly but it's so nice not to be so stressed about the money right now. Don't worry we are being responsible. We are paying off bills and we got the car fixed. I am so glad we had the money to do that. I don't know what we would have done if dad hadn't gotten that job.
I am so excited to get our vacation started. Dad and I are having a party tonight while we put up the Christmas tree. We aren't going to decorate it yet, we just want to have it up and ready so when we get back it will be ready to decorate. Then, tomorrow morning we are heading to Rexburg. It will be nice to be with family and not want to puke up all that food. I had morning sickness so bad last year.
I will of course be nostalgic and missing you. It would have been fun to be planning on bringing you up for Thanksgiving.
I love you and miss you always.
Love,
Mom
I am so excited for Thanksgiving. For some reason i'm just not dreading it like I am Christmas. I am so looking forward to a few days off of work, time with family, and lots of good food. I think it also helps that I got a bonus today. Having a little bit of money for once is really nice. Daddy and I are buying ourselves presents today. They aren't early Christmas presents, because we still want good Christmas presents, they are out baby died presents. We just need something wholly materialistic to make ourselves feel better. I know it's silly but it's so nice not to be so stressed about the money right now. Don't worry we are being responsible. We are paying off bills and we got the car fixed. I am so glad we had the money to do that. I don't know what we would have done if dad hadn't gotten that job.
I am so excited to get our vacation started. Dad and I are having a party tonight while we put up the Christmas tree. We aren't going to decorate it yet, we just want to have it up and ready so when we get back it will be ready to decorate. Then, tomorrow morning we are heading to Rexburg. It will be nice to be with family and not want to puke up all that food. I had morning sickness so bad last year.
I will of course be nostalgic and missing you. It would have been fun to be planning on bringing you up for Thanksgiving.
I love you and miss you always.
Love,
Mom
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Christmas
Ellie,
I am so conflicted. There are days when i'm really excited for Christmas and days that I just wish it was over. I have always loved Christmas. I am the type that decorates and starts listening to Christmas music too early. Sometimes it drives your dad crazy. This year though i'm not really looking forward to it. I was so looking forward to having a 6 month old baby this Christmas. That would have been so fun. It is going to be so hard without you here. Some days I just want to ignore it not even decorate for it or anything. So cut, to me having half opened boxes of Christmas boxes out. My place is a mess because I can't decide if I want to get the Christmas stuff out or not.
There are many ways we have thought of to honor you at Christmas time. We have special ornaments for you and i'm going to make you a special stocking. We've talked about getting a card off the angel tree every year for a child your age or donating the money we would have spent on your Christmas present. But, when it comes down to it I just wish I could have you here to buy presents for and play with. Nothing else will be good enough to replace that. Grrr, I just hate it so much.
The other day your dad said that all he wanted for Christmas was to see you. It nearly broke my heart. Sometimes I forget that he is just as sad as I am.
Oh how I wish you were here. Things would be so different. I love you so much.
Mom
I am so conflicted. There are days when i'm really excited for Christmas and days that I just wish it was over. I have always loved Christmas. I am the type that decorates and starts listening to Christmas music too early. Sometimes it drives your dad crazy. This year though i'm not really looking forward to it. I was so looking forward to having a 6 month old baby this Christmas. That would have been so fun. It is going to be so hard without you here. Some days I just want to ignore it not even decorate for it or anything. So cut, to me having half opened boxes of Christmas boxes out. My place is a mess because I can't decide if I want to get the Christmas stuff out or not.
There are many ways we have thought of to honor you at Christmas time. We have special ornaments for you and i'm going to make you a special stocking. We've talked about getting a card off the angel tree every year for a child your age or donating the money we would have spent on your Christmas present. But, when it comes down to it I just wish I could have you here to buy presents for and play with. Nothing else will be good enough to replace that. Grrr, I just hate it so much.
The other day your dad said that all he wanted for Christmas was to see you. It nearly broke my heart. Sometimes I forget that he is just as sad as I am.
Oh how I wish you were here. Things would be so different. I love you so much.
Mom
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Trying to be Thankful
Ellie,
I know I've been really inconsistent with thins thankfulness thing but I really need it right now. I'm having a really rough time right now but I don't want to just write to you when i'm upset or down. So, this may be a struggle but i'm going to try to be thankful right now.
I know I said I wasn't going to talk about the obvious stuff but I have to tell you how grateful I am for your dad. I wish you could know him like I do. You would have loved him so much. He's so good with kids. He says kids and animals like him because he's obviously doesn't look threatening. I know this isn't typical but I've never really believed in soul mates. Then I met your dad. It didn't happen instantly but I am convinced now that we are perfect for each other. There is nobody else that we would work with better or as well. We fit together perfectly.
I could not have gotten through the last five months without him. He is my rock. He never makes me feel bad for crying. He supports me and comforts me. He grieves with me and loves me. I miss him when i'm not with him. I am only truly happy when he is around. I don't know what i'd do if I ever lost him.
He was so excited for you to come. I am so sad that he had to go through this loss too but I am glad that we are going through it together. It is nice to have each other because we know exactly how each other feels. We are the only ones in the whole world who can perfectly understand each other.
I love him so much. We are a family. Not a very traditional family but a family still the same. I love you sweetie.
Mom
I know I've been really inconsistent with thins thankfulness thing but I really need it right now. I'm having a really rough time right now but I don't want to just write to you when i'm upset or down. So, this may be a struggle but i'm going to try to be thankful right now.
I know I said I wasn't going to talk about the obvious stuff but I have to tell you how grateful I am for your dad. I wish you could know him like I do. You would have loved him so much. He's so good with kids. He says kids and animals like him because he's obviously doesn't look threatening. I know this isn't typical but I've never really believed in soul mates. Then I met your dad. It didn't happen instantly but I am convinced now that we are perfect for each other. There is nobody else that we would work with better or as well. We fit together perfectly.
I could not have gotten through the last five months without him. He is my rock. He never makes me feel bad for crying. He supports me and comforts me. He grieves with me and loves me. I miss him when i'm not with him. I am only truly happy when he is around. I don't know what i'd do if I ever lost him.
He was so excited for you to come. I am so sad that he had to go through this loss too but I am glad that we are going through it together. It is nice to have each other because we know exactly how each other feels. We are the only ones in the whole world who can perfectly understand each other.
I love him so much. We are a family. Not a very traditional family but a family still the same. I love you sweetie.
Mom
Dreams
Ellie,
I wish we could control what we dream. Other people are dreaming about their babies all grown up or people in my family are dreaming about our future babies. Even dad had a dream last night about us having a little boy. Why can't I have dreams like that? No, I dream about babies dying, or getting lost, or getting kidnapped. What is wrong with me that I can't have good dreams. I feel like i'm not as strong as other people. I feel like other moms can move on and have peace faster than I can. Am I not faithful enough? I don't know if their dreams are prophetic or not but I would love to have a dream about what you look like or about having future children. Why am I stuck in the 'why' and 'what if'? I hate my dreams. I wake up exhausted and depressed. What is wrong with me?
Mom
I wish we could control what we dream. Other people are dreaming about their babies all grown up or people in my family are dreaming about our future babies. Even dad had a dream last night about us having a little boy. Why can't I have dreams like that? No, I dream about babies dying, or getting lost, or getting kidnapped. What is wrong with me that I can't have good dreams. I feel like i'm not as strong as other people. I feel like other moms can move on and have peace faster than I can. Am I not faithful enough? I don't know if their dreams are prophetic or not but I would love to have a dream about what you look like or about having future children. Why am I stuck in the 'why' and 'what if'? I hate my dreams. I wake up exhausted and depressed. What is wrong with me?
Mom
Friday, November 11, 2011
Thankfulness
Ellie,
I know it's been a few days so i'm going to write about a few things that I have been thankful for this week.
I am thankful for friends and support groups. There are a couple of groups that i've met with in person and online since we lost you. It ways it's really nice to have people to talk to who have been through what we have been. Sometimes it makes it harder knowing all the things that can go wrong and knowing about all the pain out there in the world. Mostly though it's nice to have that support.
I am also thankful this Veteran's Day for those who serve our country in the military service. I've never been really close to anybody in the service. I don't have any immediate family that has served so I can't really say what it's like to have someone i'm close to serving. But, I do feel for those that have loved ones gone a lot for the military. I can't imagine what it's like to be worrying about a loved one overseas. I really respect what they are doing. They are better people than I am. I don't know if I could do that.
I am also thankful for our working car. It needs a little work every now and then but all vehicles do. It has mostly been normal wear and tear kind of stuff. Our last car was such a piece of crap. Everything kept dying on it. It was something big every month it seemed like. The car is in the shop right now and it's a little rough sometimes only having one car, but I am very grateful for it.
I love you so much Ellie,
Mom
I know it's been a few days so i'm going to write about a few things that I have been thankful for this week.
I am thankful for friends and support groups. There are a couple of groups that i've met with in person and online since we lost you. It ways it's really nice to have people to talk to who have been through what we have been. Sometimes it makes it harder knowing all the things that can go wrong and knowing about all the pain out there in the world. Mostly though it's nice to have that support.
I am also thankful this Veteran's Day for those who serve our country in the military service. I've never been really close to anybody in the service. I don't have any immediate family that has served so I can't really say what it's like to have someone i'm close to serving. But, I do feel for those that have loved ones gone a lot for the military. I can't imagine what it's like to be worrying about a loved one overseas. I really respect what they are doing. They are better people than I am. I don't know if I could do that.
I am also thankful for our working car. It needs a little work every now and then but all vehicles do. It has mostly been normal wear and tear kind of stuff. Our last car was such a piece of crap. Everything kept dying on it. It was something big every month it seemed like. The car is in the shop right now and it's a little rough sometimes only having one car, but I am very grateful for it.
I love you so much Ellie,
Mom
Monday, November 7, 2011
Day 6 of Being Thankful
Ellie,
I would have written last night but dad and I were watching TV shows on my laptop. The time changed yesterday so I was really tired afterwards. Sorry, I know just more excuses.
Yesterday I was grateful for church. I actually skipped church yesterday. I hardly ever do that without a good reason. It was fast Sunday and I just didn't think I could stand being there for testimonies. There is also always the possibility that there will be a baby blessing on fast Sundays and I knew I couldn't handle that.
Going to church has been a great blessing for me though. Shortly after you died I was released from my calling as the primary chorister and I was able to go to Sunday School and Relief Society. That was a great blessing for me. I really needed my cup to be filled at that time. Last Sunday I was called in to receive another calling. I was worried about what it might be. I didn't want anything that would take me away from Sunday School and Relief Society. I really thought Relief Society chorister would be the best calling for me. I was really hoping that's what it would be. As always Heavenly Father surprised me. I got called to be a gospel doctrine teacher in Sunday School. I knew immediately that this was the perfect calling for me. It would enable me to still attend my classes and get me to study the gospel more in depth. My first lesson is this week but I only teach once a month. I am planning on studying all the lessons thoroughly though so I can be better prepared for class.
I don't know how I would have gotten through all of this without the knowledge of the gospel. There have been times when my testimony has been extra strong and i've felt the spirit very strong. But there have also been times when my anger at God has gotten the best of me and I don't feel close to the spirit anymore. In the end though I know what is right and what is true. I don't always have the faith that I should have but I at least hope for faith.
I love you sweetheart. I can't wait to see you again.
love,
mom
I would have written last night but dad and I were watching TV shows on my laptop. The time changed yesterday so I was really tired afterwards. Sorry, I know just more excuses.
Yesterday I was grateful for church. I actually skipped church yesterday. I hardly ever do that without a good reason. It was fast Sunday and I just didn't think I could stand being there for testimonies. There is also always the possibility that there will be a baby blessing on fast Sundays and I knew I couldn't handle that.
Going to church has been a great blessing for me though. Shortly after you died I was released from my calling as the primary chorister and I was able to go to Sunday School and Relief Society. That was a great blessing for me. I really needed my cup to be filled at that time. Last Sunday I was called in to receive another calling. I was worried about what it might be. I didn't want anything that would take me away from Sunday School and Relief Society. I really thought Relief Society chorister would be the best calling for me. I was really hoping that's what it would be. As always Heavenly Father surprised me. I got called to be a gospel doctrine teacher in Sunday School. I knew immediately that this was the perfect calling for me. It would enable me to still attend my classes and get me to study the gospel more in depth. My first lesson is this week but I only teach once a month. I am planning on studying all the lessons thoroughly though so I can be better prepared for class.
I don't know how I would have gotten through all of this without the knowledge of the gospel. There have been times when my testimony has been extra strong and i've felt the spirit very strong. But there have also been times when my anger at God has gotten the best of me and I don't feel close to the spirit anymore. In the end though I know what is right and what is true. I don't always have the faith that I should have but I at least hope for faith.
I love you sweetheart. I can't wait to see you again.
love,
mom
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Day 5 of Being Thankful
Ellie,
Today I am thankful for snow. We got the first good snow of the season today. I don't know maybe many people in Utah don't like the snow but I still do. Maybe it's because I grew up in New Mexico and this is on my 4th year here. We always went to Grandma and Grandpa's house for Christmas in Wyoming so there was always a lot of snow. That was my favorite place ever. I loved Christmas in Cokeville. There is something still so magical about snow. The theme or symbol this year for the Share Walk for Remembrance had something to do with snowflakes. The shirts have a snowflake on them and say "Each new life, no matter how fragile or brief, forever changes the world".
I love you so much sweetie. Your life was very fragile and very brief but has forever changed us.
Love,
Mom
Today I am thankful for snow. We got the first good snow of the season today. I don't know maybe many people in Utah don't like the snow but I still do. Maybe it's because I grew up in New Mexico and this is on my 4th year here. We always went to Grandma and Grandpa's house for Christmas in Wyoming so there was always a lot of snow. That was my favorite place ever. I loved Christmas in Cokeville. There is something still so magical about snow. The theme or symbol this year for the Share Walk for Remembrance had something to do with snowflakes. The shirts have a snowflake on them and say "Each new life, no matter how fragile or brief, forever changes the world".
I love you so much sweetie. Your life was very fragile and very brief but has forever changed us.
Love,
Mom
Yesterday-Day 4
Ellie,
Sorry I didn't write yesterday. I had a rough day and didn't really feel like writing last night about what I am grateful for. I guess I should have. It's like that that I really need to write. So i'm writing now for yesterday.
I am grateful for movies. We was a lot of movies this summer. I don't even want to think of the amount of money we spent on movies. We have always loved going to movies but after you died we really needed to get out of the house and distract ourselves. So, we saw a lot of movies this summer. I'm sure I will start to associate some movies with this crappy year. Movies are a good escape though. It's the same reason I like to read but in a nice condensed way.
Love ya,
Mom
Sorry I didn't write yesterday. I had a rough day and didn't really feel like writing last night about what I am grateful for. I guess I should have. It's like that that I really need to write. So i'm writing now for yesterday.
I am grateful for movies. We was a lot of movies this summer. I don't even want to think of the amount of money we spent on movies. We have always loved going to movies but after you died we really needed to get out of the house and distract ourselves. So, we saw a lot of movies this summer. I'm sure I will start to associate some movies with this crappy year. Movies are a good escape though. It's the same reason I like to read but in a nice condensed way.
Love ya,
Mom
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Day 3 of being thankful
Ellie,
Today I am thankful for my family. I've been having a hard time with dad being at work all day and me being home alone all the time. Today aunt melissa and my grandma came to take me shopping and take me out to lunch. It was really good to get out of the house and spend time with them. I had a lot of fun. This afternoon my dad called too. He could only talk for a few minutes but it was really good to hear from him. My family has been really great through all of this. I don't know how I would have gotten through this without them.
Goodnight Ellie.
Love,
Mom
Today I am thankful for my family. I've been having a hard time with dad being at work all day and me being home alone all the time. Today aunt melissa and my grandma came to take me shopping and take me out to lunch. It was really good to get out of the house and spend time with them. I had a lot of fun. This afternoon my dad called too. He could only talk for a few minutes but it was really good to hear from him. My family has been really great through all of this. I don't know how I would have gotten through this without them.
Goodnight Ellie.
Love,
Mom
Day 2 of Being Thankful
Ellie,
Today I am grateful for food. I have never really been in want of food. There have been times in my life when i've really poor but i've never really been desperately hungry. There have been times when I had to eat boring cheap stuff but i've always been able to eat. I've always enjoyed eating, obviously. I am grateful that I have never wanted for food. I've never been a great fan of cooking. I love baking yummy things but I don't really like making dinner. Recently however i've learned to love cooking dinner. I think it's because i've researched so yummy, new, easy dinners. That is key. If I get bored cooking the same thing over and over I won't do it. If it's too hard or to weird I won't do it. I'm not very experimental with food. I don't really like too exotic food. I wouldn't say i'm picky but I know what I like and I don't see a reason to mess with a good thing.
Mom
Today I am grateful for food. I have never really been in want of food. There have been times in my life when i've really poor but i've never really been desperately hungry. There have been times when I had to eat boring cheap stuff but i've always been able to eat. I've always enjoyed eating, obviously. I am grateful that I have never wanted for food. I've never been a great fan of cooking. I love baking yummy things but I don't really like making dinner. Recently however i've learned to love cooking dinner. I think it's because i've researched so yummy, new, easy dinners. That is key. If I get bored cooking the same thing over and over I won't do it. If it's too hard or to weird I won't do it. I'm not very experimental with food. I don't really like too exotic food. I wouldn't say i'm picky but I know what I like and I don't see a reason to mess with a good thing.
Mom
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Day 1 of Being Thankful
Ellie,
There are so many things i'm grateful for today. I can't decide what to write about. I think today i'm going to chose books. I love to read. I have always since I was a little kid. Since I was the oldest kid my mom was able to teach me to read at a young age. I wasn't ever the best student but I always excelled in reading and language arts. I enjoyed it because it was one thing that I was good at.
I love the adventures I get to go on. I love the characters I get to know. I get so involved in books that I often laugh out loud when i'm reading. I cry at the sad parts. I love a good story. I love watching movies too but nothing beats a good book. I love it when I have a book that is so good I have to carry it around with me everywhere so if I even have 30 seconds of spare time I can read. I hope that we will still have books in the afterlife so that I can share some of my favorites with you.
I would love to be a writer someday but we will see. I'm working on it. I have a goal to write a little every day. Even if it's just writing to you our blogging.
Love ya Ellie,
Mom
There are so many things i'm grateful for today. I can't decide what to write about. I think today i'm going to chose books. I love to read. I have always since I was a little kid. Since I was the oldest kid my mom was able to teach me to read at a young age. I wasn't ever the best student but I always excelled in reading and language arts. I enjoyed it because it was one thing that I was good at.
I love the adventures I get to go on. I love the characters I get to know. I get so involved in books that I often laugh out loud when i'm reading. I cry at the sad parts. I love a good story. I love watching movies too but nothing beats a good book. I love it when I have a book that is so good I have to carry it around with me everywhere so if I even have 30 seconds of spare time I can read. I hope that we will still have books in the afterlife so that I can share some of my favorites with you.
I would love to be a writer someday but we will see. I'm working on it. I have a goal to write a little every day. Even if it's just writing to you our blogging.
Love ya Ellie,
Mom
30 Days of being thankful
I have so enjoyed having something specific to write about this last month. I am challenging myself this month to write everyday about something that I am grateful. I have a list of things that I am of course always grateful for but I want it to be more meaningful. So, i'm going to post at the end of the day about something I am grateful for that is specific for that day. So, look for my first post tonight.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Day 31
Day 31: Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your child(ren) and your grief?
Yes, I mean I was already doing this blog but I wasn't writing as much as I used to. It really helped to have something specific to write about every day. It also made me think a lot about things. I need to figure out some way to keep this up every day of the year. I think in November I will post something I am grateful for everyday. In December I can do something related to Christ every day. I think that it will help to get through the holidays to focus on my blessings and on Christ. Maybe when the new year starts I can come up with more questions or have people post questions for me to answer.
Yes, I mean I was already doing this blog but I wasn't writing as much as I used to. It really helped to have something specific to write about every day. It also made me think a lot about things. I need to figure out some way to keep this up every day of the year. I think in November I will post something I am grateful for everyday. In December I can do something related to Christ every day. I think that it will help to get through the holidays to focus on my blessings and on Christ. Maybe when the new year starts I can come up with more questions or have people post questions for me to answer.
Day 30
Day 30: How are your preparing for the end of the year? (ie: Holidays and starting a new year)
I really wanted to be off my meds so I stopped early so I could learn to cope without them for the holidays. Now i'm wishing I was still on them. The next two months are going to be really hard. The one thing i'm really grateful for is that Bobby and I will be able to be together on Thanksgiving and Christmas. We couldn't get through it without each other. We have some plans on how we are going to deal with the holidays but I don't think there is much we can do except wait for them to be over.
As far as the new year goes I think we are really looking forward to it. We are really ready for this stupid year to be over and be able to start afresh. I just really hope we aren't disappointed with next year. I just don't think we can take much more disappointment. It will be better. It can't get much worse. I guess I shouldn't say that I don't want to jinx myself.
I really wanted to be off my meds so I stopped early so I could learn to cope without them for the holidays. Now i'm wishing I was still on them. The next two months are going to be really hard. The one thing i'm really grateful for is that Bobby and I will be able to be together on Thanksgiving and Christmas. We couldn't get through it without each other. We have some plans on how we are going to deal with the holidays but I don't think there is much we can do except wait for them to be over.
As far as the new year goes I think we are really looking forward to it. We are really ready for this stupid year to be over and be able to start afresh. I just really hope we aren't disappointed with next year. I just don't think we can take much more disappointment. It will be better. It can't get much worse. I guess I shouldn't say that I don't want to jinx myself.
Halloween
Ellie,
Ugh, I had no idea today would be so hard. I've been looking forward to Halloween. I think I just needed something to look forward to. I had fun decorating and planning what I would wear today. I've been looking forward to making pumpkin cheesecake for dad and going to our friend's house tonight. I've even watched a few Halloween movies.
But, now that it's here all I want to do is wallow. I want to sit around in my sweats and binge on junk food. I already turned off the stupid Halloween music and turned on some Linkin Park. I did work out and shower. Except I punched the wall in the shower this morning and hurt my hand. I decided not to wear anything festive. I'm just wearing comfy clothes. I'm still going to go to the store and get stuff for pumpkin cheesecake for your dad because I know he'll be having a bad day too.
I think I might have an easier time if he were home. I keep thinking if i'm having this hard of a time with Halloween how the hell am I going to get through Thanksgiving and Christmas? I think those days will be easier because i'll be with daddy. I'm so happy he has a job but I really miss him today.
Well, I got my crying out already so maybe my day will get better. I always feel better after I cry. My neighbors probably think i'm crazy. I find that when daddy's not home I let myself cry a lot louder. I don't like to upset him when I cry.
Oh this sucks Ellie. If only you were here. Sometimes I think if I want it bad enough then you'll come back, but you don't and I know there's nothing I can do about it. If you were here i'd dress you up in this cute elephant costume I saw the other day.
Ugh, I had no idea today would be so hard. I've been looking forward to Halloween. I think I just needed something to look forward to. I had fun decorating and planning what I would wear today. I've been looking forward to making pumpkin cheesecake for dad and going to our friend's house tonight. I've even watched a few Halloween movies.
But, now that it's here all I want to do is wallow. I want to sit around in my sweats and binge on junk food. I already turned off the stupid Halloween music and turned on some Linkin Park. I did work out and shower. Except I punched the wall in the shower this morning and hurt my hand. I decided not to wear anything festive. I'm just wearing comfy clothes. I'm still going to go to the store and get stuff for pumpkin cheesecake for your dad because I know he'll be having a bad day too.
I think I might have an easier time if he were home. I keep thinking if i'm having this hard of a time with Halloween how the hell am I going to get through Thanksgiving and Christmas? I think those days will be easier because i'll be with daddy. I'm so happy he has a job but I really miss him today.
Well, I got my crying out already so maybe my day will get better. I always feel better after I cry. My neighbors probably think i'm crazy. I find that when daddy's not home I let myself cry a lot louder. I don't like to upset him when I cry.
Oh this sucks Ellie. If only you were here. Sometimes I think if I want it bad enough then you'll come back, but you don't and I know there's nothing I can do about it. If you were here i'd dress you up in this cute elephant costume I saw the other day.
I just keep thinking about this. How cute you would have looked. In ways our life is getting back to the way it was before but it hurts to think about how different things would be if you were here. I love you so much baby girl.
Love,
Mama
Saturday, October 29, 2011
This week
Ellie,
This week has had its ups and downs. I am so happy that your dad has got a job finally. The only problem is that it's a temp job and there are a ton of temps hoping to get the same full-time positions. He is going to have to work hard to impress but I know they will love him. The good think is though that the temp agency he is working with right now seems pretty good, so if he doesn't get hired permanently at this place they will probably be able to find him something else really quick. He really likes this job though. He likes the people and he could really see himself making a career there.
I am off-track right now and my first day home alone all day was pretty rough. I tried really hard to keep busy but eventually the sadness overpowered me and I had to spend some time crying. It has been a while since I have broken down like that and just let myself cry it out. I think it is really therapeutic. I felt much better afterwards. The next day I still missed your dad but I didn't get nearly as sad. This was the first time since you died that I have really been alone for a long period of time.
We have been talking about going up to visit your grave. I feel weird about it. I don't feel much connection to you at that place. I know it was the right place to bury you because you are with my grandpa who I love very much but it's so far away. It seems dumb to drive 3 hours, look at a blank piece of grass for 5 minutes, then drive back for three hours. Maybe I will feel differently once we have your headstone. I feel so guilty for not wanting to go and visit your grave. I feel like it makes me a bad mother. That place is very spiritual for me but it makes me so sad to go there. I don't feel like I need to go there to be close to you I just want other people to know that you are loved. Oh my gosh I am turning into my grandma. She is always so worried about what other people will think if grandpa's grave isn't decorated for the holidays. I always thought that was so silly but now I kind of understand.
Another angel mom suggested to me that I make you a rock garden. She said they have one in front of the their house because they cremated their baby. Every time they go somewhere special or they feel their babies presence they pick up a rock for their garden. She decorates the area for the holidays too. I have been thinking about doing that for you. We have a little planter in front of our apartment I could clear out and start for you. I just worry that since we live in an apartment that other people may mess it up or steal stuff. If they do I just might freak out about it. I need to have some way to mark it as a special place. Or, maybe for now I will just do it on our patio.
I'm starting to feel the Sunday funk coming on. I don't know why Sundays are so hard for me. It's a struggle for me to get up and go to church sometimes. Our ward was really great to us when we lost you so I don't want to offend them but going to church is hard right now. There are so many babies and happy families. Baby blessings are particularly hard for us. I will pray for strength. I know I can do it I just need to think of something else or distract myself. Maybe i'll bring some Sudoku or something.
I love you so much Ellie. I always think about what our life would be like if you were here. As much as I wish you could have stayed with us I am so proud of you and happy to be your mother. I know you must have been a truly radiant spirit to not need to spend much time here on earth.
I can't wait to see you again someday.
Love,
Mom
This week has had its ups and downs. I am so happy that your dad has got a job finally. The only problem is that it's a temp job and there are a ton of temps hoping to get the same full-time positions. He is going to have to work hard to impress but I know they will love him. The good think is though that the temp agency he is working with right now seems pretty good, so if he doesn't get hired permanently at this place they will probably be able to find him something else really quick. He really likes this job though. He likes the people and he could really see himself making a career there.
I am off-track right now and my first day home alone all day was pretty rough. I tried really hard to keep busy but eventually the sadness overpowered me and I had to spend some time crying. It has been a while since I have broken down like that and just let myself cry it out. I think it is really therapeutic. I felt much better afterwards. The next day I still missed your dad but I didn't get nearly as sad. This was the first time since you died that I have really been alone for a long period of time.
We have been talking about going up to visit your grave. I feel weird about it. I don't feel much connection to you at that place. I know it was the right place to bury you because you are with my grandpa who I love very much but it's so far away. It seems dumb to drive 3 hours, look at a blank piece of grass for 5 minutes, then drive back for three hours. Maybe I will feel differently once we have your headstone. I feel so guilty for not wanting to go and visit your grave. I feel like it makes me a bad mother. That place is very spiritual for me but it makes me so sad to go there. I don't feel like I need to go there to be close to you I just want other people to know that you are loved. Oh my gosh I am turning into my grandma. She is always so worried about what other people will think if grandpa's grave isn't decorated for the holidays. I always thought that was so silly but now I kind of understand.
Another angel mom suggested to me that I make you a rock garden. She said they have one in front of the their house because they cremated their baby. Every time they go somewhere special or they feel their babies presence they pick up a rock for their garden. She decorates the area for the holidays too. I have been thinking about doing that for you. We have a little planter in front of our apartment I could clear out and start for you. I just worry that since we live in an apartment that other people may mess it up or steal stuff. If they do I just might freak out about it. I need to have some way to mark it as a special place. Or, maybe for now I will just do it on our patio.
I'm starting to feel the Sunday funk coming on. I don't know why Sundays are so hard for me. It's a struggle for me to get up and go to church sometimes. Our ward was really great to us when we lost you so I don't want to offend them but going to church is hard right now. There are so many babies and happy families. Baby blessings are particularly hard for us. I will pray for strength. I know I can do it I just need to think of something else or distract myself. Maybe i'll bring some Sudoku or something.
I love you so much Ellie. I always think about what our life would be like if you were here. As much as I wish you could have stayed with us I am so proud of you and happy to be your mother. I know you must have been a truly radiant spirit to not need to spend much time here on earth.
I can't wait to see you again someday.
Love,
Mom
Day 29
Day 29: What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?
My beliefs in the afterlife have been pretty solid my whole life. Which is why I was surprised that I struggled so much with what would happen to Ellie. I believe in Heaven, I believe in eternal families, and I have no doubts about what I will experience after I day. I don't want to say I look forward to dying because I don't want people to worry about me but I am not scared of it. I look forward to seeing my loved ones that have already passed on.
The problem with Ellie is that there is no sound church doctrine on what happens with stillborn children. Bobby and I are sealed together in the temple so we know that our children will be sealed to us when they are born. Since Ellie passed away before she was born and never took a breath outside of the womb I struggled for a long time about whether or not she was sealed to us. I wanted complete reassurance that she would be a part of our eternal family. For some reason Bobby found peace with that long before I did. I do know now that she is my daughter and always will be. We are a family forever. I long to see her the morning of the first resurrection.
Sometimes I wonder why we had to go as long as we did and then lose her in the end. A week before she passed we had an ultrasound and we saw her doing her practice breathing. That was when I felt that comfort that she was going to be okay. I guess okay was just a different kind of okay than I thought at the time. She came to earth, got her body, and that was all she needed. I imagine her as a radiant perfect being now all in white. She is our eternal daughter and I am so proud to be her mother.
My beliefs in the afterlife have been pretty solid my whole life. Which is why I was surprised that I struggled so much with what would happen to Ellie. I believe in Heaven, I believe in eternal families, and I have no doubts about what I will experience after I day. I don't want to say I look forward to dying because I don't want people to worry about me but I am not scared of it. I look forward to seeing my loved ones that have already passed on.
The problem with Ellie is that there is no sound church doctrine on what happens with stillborn children. Bobby and I are sealed together in the temple so we know that our children will be sealed to us when they are born. Since Ellie passed away before she was born and never took a breath outside of the womb I struggled for a long time about whether or not she was sealed to us. I wanted complete reassurance that she would be a part of our eternal family. For some reason Bobby found peace with that long before I did. I do know now that she is my daughter and always will be. We are a family forever. I long to see her the morning of the first resurrection.
Sometimes I wonder why we had to go as long as we did and then lose her in the end. A week before she passed we had an ultrasound and we saw her doing her practice breathing. That was when I felt that comfort that she was going to be okay. I guess okay was just a different kind of okay than I thought at the time. She came to earth, got her body, and that was all she needed. I imagine her as a radiant perfect being now all in white. She is our eternal daughter and I am so proud to be her mother.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Share Walk for Remembrance
Here is the link I put in our family blog about the Share Walk For Remembrance.
http://bobbyandsharonrinehart.blogspot.com/2011/10/share-walk-for-remembrance.html
http://bobbyandsharonrinehart.blogspot.com/2011/10/share-walk-for-remembrance.html
Beautiful Heartbreak
Just a warning. This song will make you cry.
The woman in the photo who is burned is an amazing person. I heard her speak a couple of weeks ago at a fireside. She has just finished writing a book. I will be first in line to buy it. She is so humble and real. Her talk wasn't polished and fake like some motivational speakers. She was just a real person who has learned a lot from her experience and wanted to share it.
Day 28
Day 28: Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?
You know, I don't think I have. For the most part people have been great to us so far. The only thing I can think of that really bothers me is when people try to compare their loss to ours. I don't want to say our loss is worse but losing a parent, grandparent, even sibling is just different. And I don't really blame people. They are just trying to help but comparing their loss to ours doesn't help at all.
You know, I don't think I have. For the most part people have been great to us so far. The only thing I can think of that really bothers me is when people try to compare their loss to ours. I don't want to say our loss is worse but losing a parent, grandparent, even sibling is just different. And I don't really blame people. They are just trying to help but comparing their loss to ours doesn't help at all.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Day 27
Day 27: Share a picture.
I've shared a lot of our pictures of her and us. I tried to find one I hadn't shared yet.
I've shared a lot of our pictures of her and us. I tried to find one I hadn't shared yet.
To me this picture is beautiful and sad all at the same time.
Day 26
Day 26: On a scale of 1 to 10 rate your day today and why?
7 It hasn't been the worst day but it hasn't been the best. Being off-track is difficult. I have to try to keep myself busy so I don't wallow in depression too much. There were a few things today that made me sad. I'm just a little more down about it today than I have been recently. Maybe it's the change of the weather or the approaching holiday season. I am really excited that Bobby has a job but it's going to be hard for me to be home alone without him so much while i'm off-track. Now I know how he has felt the last couple of months. It is really comforting being with him. I will miss him a lot. I have this terrible fear of losing him too. I know it will be fine i'm just overly worried about that now.
7 It hasn't been the worst day but it hasn't been the best. Being off-track is difficult. I have to try to keep myself busy so I don't wallow in depression too much. There were a few things today that made me sad. I'm just a little more down about it today than I have been recently. Maybe it's the change of the weather or the approaching holiday season. I am really excited that Bobby has a job but it's going to be hard for me to be home alone without him so much while i'm off-track. Now I know how he has felt the last couple of months. It is really comforting being with him. I will miss him a lot. I have this terrible fear of losing him too. I know it will be fine i'm just overly worried about that now.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Day 25
Day 25: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?
I spend time with Bobby. We try to make it a special day and distract ourselves. Going to see movies seemed to be key for us. We saw A LOT of movies this summer. We love going to the movies anyway and were slightly regretting that we wouldn't have that freedom anymore so we were excited to get to go and see some movies we were really looking forward to.
Today was kind of rough because it's the anniversary of the day we found out we were pregnant. I have really been dreading this day. It was good though because I got paid and Bobby FINALLY has a job! Yeah! So, we had a fun day we went out to eat to celebrate and did some much needed grocery shopping. We also looked at some Halloween and Christmas decorations just for fun. I had a rough time with some of the Halloween decorations. I wasn't really expecting that. I didn't really think about it until I came across a baby sized skeleton and had a breakdown in the middle of Wal Mart. Why would people want baby skeletons?!?!?!? Grrr, i'm still mad about that. It has been a long time since i've had an uncontrollable crying fit like that. There was no stopping it.
Seeing the "Baby's First Christmas" ornaments was really hard too. That was really hard on Bobby too. He doesn't cry though. He gets angry. I was yelling right there in the middle of the aisle. I was afraid he was going to start smashing ornaments. I had to redirect him and distract him.
Sorry this kind of got off on a tangent. Today was really the only anniversary day we've had so far other than her due date. I'm glad today is over. I am starting anew tomorrow. I'm going to try really hard not to think "this time last year" for the next 8 months.
I spend time with Bobby. We try to make it a special day and distract ourselves. Going to see movies seemed to be key for us. We saw A LOT of movies this summer. We love going to the movies anyway and were slightly regretting that we wouldn't have that freedom anymore so we were excited to get to go and see some movies we were really looking forward to.
Today was kind of rough because it's the anniversary of the day we found out we were pregnant. I have really been dreading this day. It was good though because I got paid and Bobby FINALLY has a job! Yeah! So, we had a fun day we went out to eat to celebrate and did some much needed grocery shopping. We also looked at some Halloween and Christmas decorations just for fun. I had a rough time with some of the Halloween decorations. I wasn't really expecting that. I didn't really think about it until I came across a baby sized skeleton and had a breakdown in the middle of Wal Mart. Why would people want baby skeletons?!?!?!? Grrr, i'm still mad about that. It has been a long time since i've had an uncontrollable crying fit like that. There was no stopping it.
Seeing the "Baby's First Christmas" ornaments was really hard too. That was really hard on Bobby too. He doesn't cry though. He gets angry. I was yelling right there in the middle of the aisle. I was afraid he was going to start smashing ornaments. I had to redirect him and distract him.
Sorry this kind of got off on a tangent. Today was really the only anniversary day we've had so far other than her due date. I'm glad today is over. I am starting anew tomorrow. I'm going to try really hard not to think "this time last year" for the next 8 months.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Day 24
Day 24: On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?
So far I have prepared emotionally for a couple of anniversaries. Her due date was really tough. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day we found out I was pregnant. I'm kind of trying to not think about it. I know it's going to be hard so i'm going to try to keep myself busy and do something fun. We have plans for Christmas and her birthday. I'm not sure how we are going to deal with Mother's day, Father's day, diagnosis day, and the anniversary of her burial. I don't really even want to think about it right now. Hopefully we are pregnant by then. I know that is always going to be a really hard time of the year.
So far I have prepared emotionally for a couple of anniversaries. Her due date was really tough. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day we found out I was pregnant. I'm kind of trying to not think about it. I know it's going to be hard so i'm going to try to keep myself busy and do something fun. We have plans for Christmas and her birthday. I'm not sure how we are going to deal with Mother's day, Father's day, diagnosis day, and the anniversary of her burial. I don't really even want to think about it right now. Hopefully we are pregnant by then. I know that is always going to be a really hard time of the year.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Ellie,
I haven't felt the need to write as much lately. I'm not completely better but i'm doing a lot better. I have been off meds for a few weeks now and i'm doing fine. Maybe i'm just seeing things positively because i'm looking forward to three weeks off of work. I'm not dreading it as much as I thought I would. I remember this summer when I dreaded having time off of work because I knew I was going to be depressed. Now I know that I need it. I need some time for myself. Work has been pretty stressful lately. Mostly because of parent teacher conferences. But, that's over now. For a while anyway, until the next conferences in March.
I feel bad though because I feel like i've been really short with your dad. Things have just been stressful and i've just gotten easily frustrated. There was one day that I was particularly frustrated with him and I don't even remember why. I got home from work and I went in the bedroom to change. I noticed that he had a picture of you on the floor next to the bed. He had been lying in bed that day looking at that picture. I felt so bad. Sometimes I forget that he is going through this too and that I need to be sensitive to him.
Things may be getting better though because we are pretty sure that he has a job. While that doesn't bring you back it does relieve some of the stress. We will be able to pay off some bills and be ready for the next baby.
I've had a really good time recently with my mom coming to visit. It was really nice having her here. It has been a rough year and it's always good to be with family. The other day I was making us all some breakfast. Quiche, potatoes, and sausage. I got up and got to work on cooking. It took a while and we got up late so we ended up eating around 11:30. I realized for some reason that I hadn't even thought of you yet today. It was the longest I had gone since I had thought of you. It shocked me. I couldn't decide if I was happy or upset about that. You are and will always be a part of my life. But, my life still goes on, even if I have to do it without you.
I love you so much.
Mom
I haven't felt the need to write as much lately. I'm not completely better but i'm doing a lot better. I have been off meds for a few weeks now and i'm doing fine. Maybe i'm just seeing things positively because i'm looking forward to three weeks off of work. I'm not dreading it as much as I thought I would. I remember this summer when I dreaded having time off of work because I knew I was going to be depressed. Now I know that I need it. I need some time for myself. Work has been pretty stressful lately. Mostly because of parent teacher conferences. But, that's over now. For a while anyway, until the next conferences in March.
I feel bad though because I feel like i've been really short with your dad. Things have just been stressful and i've just gotten easily frustrated. There was one day that I was particularly frustrated with him and I don't even remember why. I got home from work and I went in the bedroom to change. I noticed that he had a picture of you on the floor next to the bed. He had been lying in bed that day looking at that picture. I felt so bad. Sometimes I forget that he is going through this too and that I need to be sensitive to him.
Things may be getting better though because we are pretty sure that he has a job. While that doesn't bring you back it does relieve some of the stress. We will be able to pay off some bills and be ready for the next baby.
I've had a really good time recently with my mom coming to visit. It was really nice having her here. It has been a rough year and it's always good to be with family. The other day I was making us all some breakfast. Quiche, potatoes, and sausage. I got up and got to work on cooking. It took a while and we got up late so we ended up eating around 11:30. I realized for some reason that I hadn't even thought of you yet today. It was the longest I had gone since I had thought of you. It shocked me. I couldn't decide if I was happy or upset about that. You are and will always be a part of my life. But, my life still goes on, even if I have to do it without you.
I love you so much.
Mom
Day 23
Day 23: Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?
There are a few regrets I have but not much. I received excellent advice from my doctor, nurses, and other loved ones. When I first found out she was dead I told my doctor to take her away immediately after she was born. I didn't want to see her, I didn't want to hold. I thought it would be too hard. For some reason I had always thought that if I lost a baby like that I wouldn't want to see them. My doctor looked at me kindly and said we should wait and make that decision because most parents find it comforting and it gives them closure. I am so glad I held her. She didn't look great and it gave me nightmares afterwards but I would regret that for the rest of my life if I never did.
I honestly thought at the time that taking pictures holding a dead baby was the creepiest thing in the world. I didn't even want to look at the NILMDTS brochure. Oh how things have changed since then. I was so innocent and naive. I wasn't really comfortable during the photo session. I was exhausted. I didn't really know what to do. Heidi was awesome of course but I didn't know what to do. Was I supposed to smile? I didn't know if I wanted the pictures. She told us we didn't have to take them right away. She said some couples didn't pick them up for a year afterward. I am so glad I have these pictures. We are a family and she is my daughter.
A couple of weeks after we got out of the hospital I read some books on grieving the loss of a child. One of them, I don't remember which had a list of things you could do with your baby before you buried them. I remember reading that list and getting so mad that I threw the book across the room. There were so many things on that list that I wanted to do and never did and never would have the chance to do. I really wish I had cut off a lock of her hair. She had so much hair. I wish I had kept some. I wish I had a square of the blanket she is buried in. I wish I had sung to her. I wish I had been more awake and coherent when they brought her to me. My memory of that is really fuzzy.
However, those aren't big regrets anymore. I may not have a square of her blanket but we do have matching bracelets, again, thanks to Heidi.
Her dress, which was supposed to be her blessing dress, is made from leftover material from when I had my wedding dress made. Her burial service was perfect. I do wish she was a little closer but I am glad that she is in place special to me and is next to my grandpa. I wouldn't want her in some random cemetery. This is the link to my family blog about what we buried her in and about that day.
There are a few regrets I have but not much. I received excellent advice from my doctor, nurses, and other loved ones. When I first found out she was dead I told my doctor to take her away immediately after she was born. I didn't want to see her, I didn't want to hold. I thought it would be too hard. For some reason I had always thought that if I lost a baby like that I wouldn't want to see them. My doctor looked at me kindly and said we should wait and make that decision because most parents find it comforting and it gives them closure. I am so glad I held her. She didn't look great and it gave me nightmares afterwards but I would regret that for the rest of my life if I never did.
I honestly thought at the time that taking pictures holding a dead baby was the creepiest thing in the world. I didn't even want to look at the NILMDTS brochure. Oh how things have changed since then. I was so innocent and naive. I wasn't really comfortable during the photo session. I was exhausted. I didn't really know what to do. Heidi was awesome of course but I didn't know what to do. Was I supposed to smile? I didn't know if I wanted the pictures. She told us we didn't have to take them right away. She said some couples didn't pick them up for a year afterward. I am so glad I have these pictures. We are a family and she is my daughter.
A couple of weeks after we got out of the hospital I read some books on grieving the loss of a child. One of them, I don't remember which had a list of things you could do with your baby before you buried them. I remember reading that list and getting so mad that I threw the book across the room. There were so many things on that list that I wanted to do and never did and never would have the chance to do. I really wish I had cut off a lock of her hair. She had so much hair. I wish I had kept some. I wish I had a square of the blanket she is buried in. I wish I had sung to her. I wish I had been more awake and coherent when they brought her to me. My memory of that is really fuzzy.
However, those aren't big regrets anymore. I may not have a square of her blanket but we do have matching bracelets, again, thanks to Heidi.
Her dress, which was supposed to be her blessing dress, is made from leftover material from when I had my wedding dress made. Her burial service was perfect. I do wish she was a little closer but I am glad that she is in place special to me and is next to my grandpa. I wouldn't want her in some random cemetery. This is the link to my family blog about what we buried her in and about that day.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Day 22
Day 22: Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your child?
We sang "Our Savior's Love" at her graveside service. That song will always make me think of her. We sang that in Relief Society my first Sunday back in my ward after we lost her. It seemed like the perfect song to sing for her because that's what we all needed at the time.
Now that I have sung "Somewhere Out There" at the SHARE walk last week I guess that will always make me think of her too. That seemed like a good song because it's somewhat relevant but not too sad. The other songs I had the option of singing were about losing a child and I knew i'd never make it through those. I had a hard enough time as it was singing that song. The line that always choke me up was "and even though I know how very far apart we are". Sometimes I feel her close and I feel like the veil is thin but she is so far away. I can't see her, I can't hold her, I can't be with her. She literally is as far away as she could possibly be.
Other than those two songs I don't really have any songs that always remind me of her. There will be lines in songs, especially church songs, that will make me think of her but those are the only two that are directly related to her.
We sang "Our Savior's Love" at her graveside service. That song will always make me think of her. We sang that in Relief Society my first Sunday back in my ward after we lost her. It seemed like the perfect song to sing for her because that's what we all needed at the time.
Now that I have sung "Somewhere Out There" at the SHARE walk last week I guess that will always make me think of her too. That seemed like a good song because it's somewhat relevant but not too sad. The other songs I had the option of singing were about losing a child and I knew i'd never make it through those. I had a hard enough time as it was singing that song. The line that always choke me up was "and even though I know how very far apart we are". Sometimes I feel her close and I feel like the veil is thin but she is so far away. I can't see her, I can't hold her, I can't be with her. She literally is as far away as she could possibly be.
Other than those two songs I don't really have any songs that always remind me of her. There will be lines in songs, especially church songs, that will make me think of her but those are the only two that are directly related to her.
Day 21
Day 21: Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?
I am happy that I am a mom. I have a daughter. I was able to get pregnant. I do have good memories of being pregnant. I like seeing her face. But, I guess those things don't really make me smile. Sometimes I smile when I look at her picture but then tears come to my eyes too. Is it possible to be sad and happy at the same time. I am happy that I had such a beautiful daughter but sad that she is dead. I am happy that she will never feel the pain and sadness that life here on earth can bring. I am very happy and proud to already be a mother to an exalted daughter of God. I like to think of her but it still hurts. I hope that I can get to the point that I can think of her without it hurting so bad.
I am happy that I am a mom. I have a daughter. I was able to get pregnant. I do have good memories of being pregnant. I like seeing her face. But, I guess those things don't really make me smile. Sometimes I smile when I look at her picture but then tears come to my eyes too. Is it possible to be sad and happy at the same time. I am happy that I had such a beautiful daughter but sad that she is dead. I am happy that she will never feel the pain and sadness that life here on earth can bring. I am very happy and proud to already be a mother to an exalted daughter of God. I like to think of her but it still hurts. I hope that I can get to the point that I can think of her without it hurting so bad.
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