This blog is dedicated to my little girl Ellie Marie. She was stillborn at 37 weeks and 3 days of pregnancy. I am hoping that this blog will help me and others who have to go through this grieving and healing process.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Like a wrecking Ball

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I've written. So much has happened but so little has changed. Mostly I'm doing good. We're struggling with infertility and it really sucks. We're working with the doctor and  trying some new things now that I hope will help.

We had to put our cat down in December and that was really hard for us. She'd been with us pretty much our whole marriage and was a great comfort to us through our grief. We've adopted two middle aged male cats. I've always thought it was odd that people treat their pets like children and I never felt that way with Tiger Lilly but with Hades and Linus it's different. For some reason my relationship with them is more mother-like. It's kind of weird. Maybe I just need someone to be a mommy to and I need to be needed.

Today I had a strange experience. I've been doing pretty good lately but all of a sudden grief just hit me hard. I was at the store and I saw a little white infant dress and a little white infant suit. My first reaction was astonishment that they would so proudly display infant burial clothes. I soon realized that they weren't burial outfits they were blessing outfits. We buried you in your blessing outfit. I hand made it with leftover material from my wedding dress. A whole new list of regrets popped into my head , some I hadn't thought about before.

I regret that your daddy never got to bless you. Instead he dedicated your grave.
I regret I never saw you in that dress and that I don't have any pictures of you in it.
I regret that I didn't put you in the dress. I just gave it to the funeral home to dress you in. I hope they actually did it. I never even checked.
I regret that I asked for the casket to be sealed so I wouldn't have to see you.
I regret that if I have another girl i'll have to make another dress. I don't think i'll be able to do it.

I stood there like an idiot staring at the dress as these stupid thoughts ran through my head. I ran right out of the store and bawled in the car. It's been a while since I've lost it like that. I left and went to another store. It was a while before I was able to compose myself enough to go in.

I'm glad I sat down and wrote this out. It helps. It really does.

Love you forever.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013


     The past four months have been very good for us. It feels like the longest healing period of time we have had yet. I feel like I am finally becoming myself again. There are still bad days and weeks of course but I feel like right now I am in the best place I have been since we lost you. Dad and I have decided to be more active in SHARE. It was a difficult decision to make but it has been very helpful for us. It breaks my heart to see the other parents whose losses are fresher than ours. It brings back so many horrible memories. But, it helps me to think that maybe I am able to help them get through their loss. It also helps me to see how far I've come.
     I'm not saying the last 4 months have been perfect. We've had our share of problems. Still no baby. We are finally trying again. We waited quite a while after the miscarriage. Every period breaks my heart. We are having fun trying though:) We've had family problems (especially recently) that has been very rough and emotional, but we are getting through it. Don't worry about Dad and I. Our relationship is stronger than it has ever been.
     We are also very nervous about the next 4-5 weeks. We know it is going to be rough. Mother's day is on Sunday and i'm just going to try to focus on my mother and how much I love her instead of on how much I want to have you here with me. For memorial day we will go visit your grave. We haven't seen it since last year at this time. I hope it's still okay. I love that you are next to my grandpa but I wish you were a bit closer to home. It's just not as easy to get up there often. Then comes your birthday. It was good last year to celebrate by taking cupcakes to the nurses at the hospital. We will do the same again this year. Finally our rough month will end with Father's day. The anniversary of the miscarriage passed this week but we were so busy with family drama that we didn't really notice it much. That my have been a blessing in disguise.
     I'm learning things all the time about this healing process. Life after your loss is different. I was talking to your grandpa about this tonight. Life will never go back to being the same. Even this last week that we spent with my family there was always the thought of you in the back of our mind and instead of joy it brought pain. The sun doesn't shine quite as bright and there is a little less joy. I can feel happiness and joy but I will always miss you. It never gets better, it just gets easier to bear.
     I love you so much. I yearn for the day when I can hold you and you close to me forever, never to be parted again. This life is such a short time. I feel comfort in the fact that we will have an eternity together. I also feel so blessed to have an angel for a daughter. You are my strength.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

The Holidays

The Holidays. Usually my favorite time of year, and I guess it still is but it's not as glorious as it used to be. It is a lot better than it was last year. Last year I just wanted to skip the whole thing. I missed you so much through the time that it was just so bitter sweet. This year things are going a lot better. Overall i'm much happier. I guess it's harder for me to imagine what it would be like to have your around. Every now and then though I despair that you aren't here or that I don't have any children here. We have these traditions that we've created the last 9 years and even new ones we've started. I keep thinking that they would be so much more fun if I had kids to share them with. Christmas really is for children and I think we are missing out on that so much right now.
Thanksgiving was fun. We went up to grandma and grandpa's. I love being around my nieces but it was still hard sometimes. Dad had a lot harder time than he though he would. It's just hard for us sometimes to see what other people have and we want it so bad. I really hope that by next Thanksgiving we will have a child of our own to hold and love.
We are trying to find ways to involve you as much as possible in our Christmas activities. We actually bought a stocking for you this year. It's a little pick one with an 'E' on it. It just makes me sad though that it will never be filled with gifts and goodies for your. Right now it's just hanging there reminding me that you're gone. We also got a couple more ornaments to represent you on our tree. We haven't been able to find the perfect ornament for this year though. We want something to honor the other child we lost this year in the miscarriage, but we haven't been able to find what we are looking for.
I know we will get to be with you again and even raise you, but I don't know how different things will be. Will we get to involve you for real in our traditions? I don't know why that is so important to me. I just want you to have a real experience at life and share in what is important to me. I know people say that our loved ones are with us, especially this time of year but it's just not the same.
I love you and miss you. Merry Christmas my angel.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

The past few months

The past few months have really sucked but I finally feel we may be coming out of it. I was so angry after the miscarriage. I felt betrayed. I really felt like that pregnancy was a blessing. It was as if Heavenly Father was giving me a gift. It was almost like he was making up for what he took away from us last year. It felt perfect to be able to tell our family about the pregnancy on Easter. After we lost that pregnancy I felt betrayed. I felt like I couldn't trust any spiritual prompting or feeling I had ever had. How was I to know what was real if I was so off base on that one.
The next six weeks were the worst. I ate a lot of Ben and Jerry's ice cream. Shortly after we lost the baby we had Mother's Day, Memorial Day, your birthday, and Father's Day. Mother's Day was rough, of course. I just stayed home all day in my pjs and watched TV. I had extra Ben and Jerry's for that day.
Memorial Day was the first day we got to see your headstone. That was very bitter sweet. I love the way it turned out but it's so hard to see it. I don't think we will go visit it very often. It was so sweet that everybody brought you beautiful flowers.
I took a couple of days off for you birthday.We decided that to honor you on your birthday we would take cupcakes up to the hospital for the nurses. We were so grateful for all of the wonderful nurses we had when we were in there. We wanted to do something special for them. I've never been great at making cupcakes but I practiced a bit and they ended up turning out okay. They were really grateful. We also had Mexican food for you birthday. You seemed to always like it when I ate Mexcian food:)
Father's Day was pretty similar to Mother's Day. We stayed at home and ate ice cream.
It still took a while before I was doing okay. We ended up going to talk to the bishop and telling him some of our concerns. It was amazing how helpful just talking to him was. It got us to the point where we could start healing all over again. I think we were too angry to heal for a while.
We still haven't gotten to the point yet where we feel like we are able to try to get pregnant again. We just want to make sure that we are at a point emotionally, spiritually, and mentally where we can put ourselves through that, just in case we have another loss.
The road will be long. I know it will take more than a day or two but it still gets frustrating sometimes. Still, I think back to this time last year and am amazed at how far we have come. We miss you and still think of you every day but the pain is mostly gone. That yearning is mostly gone. I say mostly only because sometimes it's still there. Sometimes I still have bad days but they are so few and far between. For the most part we are back to life instead of in our mourning version of life.
I'm not dreading the holidays like I was last year. In fact we are really looking forward to the fall this year. Both of us have remarked about how excited we are for fall and for Halloween. I even think Thanksgiving and Christmas won't be as bad as long as I can forget about how I should be having a baby at Thanksgiving time.
I feel that my time writing to you might be winding down. I will leave the blog up but I think most of my thoughts and feelings will probably go in my journal for now on. I love you very much. I will still talk to you. I do all the time anyway. I am sure that I will still write to update you every once in a while.

Friday, June 29, 2012

Goodbye sucks

I hate saying goodbye. It's so final. It leaves me with no hope. Many years ago before dad and I were together we were just acquaintances. He told me he was moving to another state and I was sad. He told me that it wasn't really goodbye it was just see you later. Little did I know that would be very true for us. Things didn't work out as he planned and not too long after, he moved back. That is when we started spending more time together and started dating. I wish all goodbyes could really be see you laters.

Today I said goodbye to another class of students. I didn't think it would be that hard. I love my students but I am excited for them to progress and move on to middle school. It is natural for them and they are ready. I told them that it wasn't goodbye it was just see you later but I know for some of them that is not true. Some will come to see me again but some will move, some won't visit, and some will fall away. My mantle of protection over them has passed but I will always wonder about them.

Tonight I had a bad reaction to our cat spending so much time with your dad and never really caring about me. Dad was pretty baffled at why I was making such a big deal about it and to be honest I didn't really know why. It has always kind of bugged me that she seems to like him so much more but honestly she's just a cat. As i'm lying in bed trying to sleep I kept thinking about it. What I want most out of life is to be a mom. I want that bond with a child. There is nothing like it. I want to be the one my child runs to when they are hurt or upset. I want to be the one a child comes to for ultimate peace and comfort. With my students I had a small part of that. I wasn't their mom but I was a good substitute while they were at school. They would come to me for comfort when they were injured physically or emotionally. I would hear their problems about peers, school, and family. Breaking that bond with them at the end of this year was harder than it has been in years past.

Saying goodbye to you last year was hard because I know that really it is see you later but it's a long see you later. I don't know when i'll see you again and wanted to see you soon means wanting my life to be over soon and that seems like such an unnatural desire. And while I do feel that we have that mother-child bond I feel like it's so muted. There is such thick veil between us that I don't always feel the connection. And more often than not I feel like you are the mother and I am the child. I feel like I come to you for peace, comfort, knowledge, and reassurance. I feel like you are a much more mature spiritual being than I am. I feel like I have so much to learn from you. I am so blessed and grateful to be your mom I just wish we could have a really mother-daughter relationship. I miss that.

I know it's been a while since i've written and i'm sorry about that. The miscarriage last month got me pretty down and I didn't feel like doing anything therapeutic like this because I was so angry and I didn't want you or anyone else to see the extent of that anger. I do feel like the anger has ebbed and I could benefit from writing again. I will try to update you on some of the things I have been feeling the last couple of months. They have been rough and it will be rough to talk about but I think I need to work them out. Here I go using you as my therapist again:)

I love you sweetheart.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

I haven't written in a while because I knew if I did then I'd spill the beans on being pregnant and we were trying to keep that quiet. Well, the cat's out of the bag I just wish we had better news. It's just not going to work out.
We first started to suspect that we were pregnant around the beginning of April but it took almost a week to finally get a positive pregnancy test. That was pretty stressful. The not knowing was really hard. When we finally found out I was happy. Not nearly as happy as I was when we found out we were expecting you though. Things are tainted now. I don't think I will ever be that happy again. I'm a little more jaded now.
Soon though I found peace. I felt like this was a blessing, a gift from God. I felt like you were happy for us and that this would heal us in more ways than we could imagine. We told our family on Easter. It was the perfect symbol of rebirth and a wonderful way to celebrate the resurrection. They were so happy for us. It was a great day. I'll never forget their smiles and their tears in their eyes. We finally had hope. We called the doctor and set the appointment.
We had to wait 4 whole weeks before we'd get to see the baby. It was plenty of time to get really worked up about it. By the week of the appointment I was a basket case. I was doing everything I could to keep myself healthy.  We had decided to keep it quiet until after the first appointment but there were still a few people we told and I know my parents told everyone in Las Cruces and in Rexburg.
Going to the SHARE meetings and meeting tons of other angel moms has been a blessing for us. The only problem is that i've heard to many storied of how things go wrong that that's all i've been able to think about. I know hundreds of things that could go wrong and they all scared. I knew if I could just make it to that first appointment then things would be okay. I was so nervous. I prayed for the peace and comfort I felt when we first out we were expecting.
So far though this pregnancy was turning out to be great. I kept expecting to get really sick like last time but it never happened. We have everything we need and I was even in better shape than last time. I was better educated. I knew what to expect and what to do. If only we could calm down and just be happy.
The day of the appointment was finally here. We had chosen to stay with our old doctor because we like him so much. It was hard going back there though. It was being in that office at that hospital. We both looked forward to and dreaded the ultrasound. Our last experience with an ultrasound didn't go to great. We met with the doctor, talked about what we are going to do different this time. He asked lots of questions and we planned for the future. Finally it was time to do the ultrasound. I grabbed Bobby's hand and had a hard time looking at the screen. The doctor was having a hard time seeing anything so he switched to the vaginal ultrasound. He searched and searched. I finally looked and could see for myself that there was nothing there. My heart sank. As far along as I was there should definitely be something there. I remember seeing you for the first time and the comfort I felt getting that confirmation, finally seeing you, and hearing your heartbeat. We wouldn't get that this time. The doctor asked us if we had taken a pregnancy test. We assured him we did, about 4 of them actually. He showed us the uterus. He checked both sides but couldn't find anything there.
He left and we were alone while I got dressed. I couldn't talk. It was too much for me to process. I was pretty much speechless until we were almost home. Before we left the doctor talked with us about what could be going on. He is sending in my blood work to make sure I am really pregnant. He would call me later that night to give me the results. There were four possibilities. Either I wasn't pregnant, or I was but it was too early to see anything not he ultrasound, or I was but it was an ectopic pregnancy, or I was pregnant but I was miscarrying.
The ride home was not fun. We needed to eat but I could think of nothing that sounded good. All I could do was sit there. I couldn't talk I was still processing. We finally got the call and he confirmed that I was pregnant. Good, at least there's that. I was able to get pregnant and we weren't having a false positive. My hormone levels were really low which either meant that I wasn't as far along as I thought or that I was miscarrying. I thought that these low numbers meant that it was most likely not ectopic. I thought if it was ectopic I would have high number but they wouldn't be able to see the baby in the ultrasound.  The Doctor wanted me to go do another blood test on Saturday so we could see if my numbers were going up or down. I wouldn't get the results until Monday though. This was Thursday night. I knew I was in for a long stressful weekend.
I went to work on Friday, mostly to keep my mind off of things. Saturday morning I started to bleed. I had been spotting a bit all week but this was different. I knew that any hope I had up until then was gone. It was over. I was miscarrying. I just got back in bed and cried. Bobby held me and finally I had to tell him it was over. I didn't want to go in for the blood test or anything but he convinced me to at least call the office and tell them. I called the answering service and my doctor happened to be on call that day. He said he wanted me to go in and do the blood test so he could confirm that I was miscarrying because then he could give me something to help it along. So, I went in. My doctor called me about an hour afterwards and told me that my numbers had gone down but only slightly. Not enough to confirm that I was miscarrying. Besides that I had only bled just a little bit and it had stopped. He was now worried that I was having an ectopic pregnancy. So, he wanted me to rest this weekend and come in if I was having any pain. On Monday i'm supposed to go in for another blood test. If my numbers don't go down significantly then I may need to go down to radiology and have them do an ultrasound to see if they can find where the baby has attached itself.
So, now i'm stressed again! We went and saw the Avengers to take our minds off of things then we went out to eat. Since then i've mostly been sitting on the couch watching TV and trying to distract myself. We are very discouraged. Dad says he doesn't think he wants to try to have kids again. I get that. This is too hard to go through. I also understand that we feel stuck. We feel like we aren't progressing and right now all we can think of to progress is to have children. It's hard to be in a church of families and not have a family.
I'm trying to reconcile what is going on with that peace and comfort I felt when we first found out we were expecting. Have I ever truly felt inspiration, guidance, or comfort from the spirit if I could have been so wrong on this occasion? I really felt like it was going to work out. This was it. Now it's not. Now we are back to where we were again. I have been dredging up feelings this weekend that I had forgotten about. Feelings that are so painful that I think my mind has blocked the memory to them. When I look back to those days and weeks after we lost you it used to be a dull memory. I remember being sad and hurting but I didn't remember what it felt like. I remember now. I am feeling all over again and I never what it to happen again. But the only way to assure that I will never feel this way again is to never try again. Can I live with that? I don't know. At this point I think I can. It is natural for humans to want to protect themselves but then again it's natural for humans to want to procreate.
Anyway, that's the long version of the story. I will write more and let you know how we are doing. There is much I want to change. I want to start over. I want a whole new life. With Dad of course but in a different place, with different things, a different job, different people. I want a fresh start. I want a redo. I don't think all of that will happen but we are going to think of ways for things to change. I will let you know what we decide.
I love you sweetie. I wish you could be here to give me a kiss for mother's day next week.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

a few hours

It's amazing how a few hours can really change my attitude. I was pretty upbeat earlier today. I was optimistic, hopeful, and spiritually fed after conference this weekend. Then, my period started tonight. Talk about a turnaround. There was a time, albeit a short time that I was happy to get my period. After I lost you I was terrified that things wouldn't work right again and I would never be able to get pregnant again. It took a few months for things to get going but once they did I was happy to see things getting back into a system. I have never loved my period. What woman does? But there was a part of me that was happy that things worked and that I had this system in place so I could one day have children. When dad and I started trying to get pregnant it was just a monthly reminder that it wasn't working. When I was pregnant with you I loved not having a period. I didn't miss it at all. Now, it's a reminder that i'm no longer pregnant with you and that i'm not getting pregnant either.
I just keep thinking that this time last year I was just starting my third term with you. My third term was rough. I had so much going on and so much to do. I never felt good. I was always tired and sore. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes and had to change everything about the way I ate. We were poor and I was stressed about money and taking too much time off of work. I was stressed about getting things ready at work for when I would be gone.
All of that was going on but it was still my favorite time of the pregnancy. I bought all of your cute stuff. I had baby showers and celebrated with my friends. I got the nursery all ready, packed our bags, and had everything ready to go. I got to see you so much. I had so many doctor's appointments and while they were a pain to get to I was glad that I got to see you all the time. You were so perfect. We felt you move so much. I loved feeling you jump around when your daddy walked into the room. I loved it when you would fight the ultrasound techs. I loved talking to you and falling asleep with my hands on my belly. I loved dreaming about what you would be like and counting down the days until I could hold you in my arms. I felt safe. Especially at that last appointment when we saw you practicing your breathing. I knew you would be okay.
Now, there's nothing. I miss carrying you inside of me. Every twitch or gas bubble is a reminder that you're not there moving in me any more. I really hate those phantom movements. Sometimes I could swear you are still in there moving around. But you're not. You've moved on, and I need to too. Dad was wondering the other day about what it would be like to be on the other side and be able to see our loved ones left behind and grieving for them. I don't want to cause you pain. This too shall pass. Not completely. There will always be a part of me missing. Not missing I guess, because I know where you are I just can't be there with you yet. I need to do what I can here to be closer to you. There was a conference talk about that. I will look it up and share it with you. It was about how we can be closer to our loved ones who passed by doing the things here on earth that will enable us to be with them for eternity. I have much to work on Ellie. I will do it for you and for me. I will call on you and the Savior to help me though. It is going to be difficult.
I am really looking forward to Easter this year. It's in a week and I look forward to celebrating the resurrection. The atonement is what makes it possible for us to be together again. I hope that thought gives me the strength I need this week.
I love you so much.


So, last night dad went to the Priesthood session of General Conference, which I was happy about. I am proud of him for doing what he is supposed to be. I was kind of looking forward to some time alone. Actually I didn't think about it much. Almost as soon as he left though I started getting panicky. It was so weird. I got anxious and upset. I can't figure out why that happened. It's not like i'm never alone or can't handle being alone, but all of a sudden I was so lonely. I was able to occupy myself but there was that underlying anxiety the whole time until he got home. When he is home I don't spend every second with him but I guess it's nice to know that he's there. It felt a lot like it did soon after you passed and I couldn't be alone for quite a while. It was odd because I haven't felt that way for long.
We have felt recently that our anxiety has gotten worse lately. The sadness had been there all along sometimes closer to the surface and sometimes deep down. But, lately we've been feeling more and more stressed out. Dad thinks it's because we are getting closer and closer to your birthday. At this time last year we were buying a crib, having our baby showers, and getting the nursery ready. Your birthday is approaching so fast. Ten months. Almost a year. In many ways it seems as if this year has flown by but it also seems so long ago that I held you in my arms.
This weekend we listened to the General Conference of the church. There were so many talks that seemed to be directed to me personally. As soon as they become available online I will post the ones that struck me.  Dad was saying today that he's not afraid to die. While he's not suicidal or anything he just looks forward to seeing you again. We're both tired of the trials of this life and are excited to be together as a family again.
Love you,