Ellie,
Thank you for watching over mom yesterday. Her surgery went perfectly. The doctor said it was textbook. She is recovering in the hospital. She should get out today.
I want to share with you a letter that your Aunt Mary sent us. She has been amazingly supportive through all of this. She shared with us that when she was born she had a twin sister that was stillborn. Your dad never knew this about her. It was something his parents never shared with him. His parents never buried their angel baby. They let the hospital take care of her. Your Auntie Mary regrets that she never had a place to go and visit her sister.
August 5, 2011
Dear Ellie,
This is your Aunt Mary. I remember the day I go the news that (my little brother) Bobby and Sharon were finally expecting their 1st BABY. A true blessing was at last going to happen for them. I was overflowing with happiness and excitement. I was jumping up and down and kept on cheering. I could not wait for June it seemed to be an awful long 9 months. Your mommy and daddy really deserved and their prayers were answered for their chance for such a precious gift from GOD. You haven't even came int he world yet and you were dearly loved by so many people. I wish all of us family members didn't live so far apart from each other. I was very eager and proud to be finally getting you for a niece. I would have cherished every moment I could have shared time with you no matter how long or short it could have been. You are so special even if you only got to grace us with your presence for just a brief time and you will never be forgotten. I would have really enjoyed to have just one chance to get to meet, see, hold, and play with you. This tragic loss. You did not get to stay and you had to be with GOD. I think about you being up in heaven... I imagine that you are there with my twin sister and she is giving you all the hugs and kisses that all of us want to give you. I am honored and proud that I was Ellie's Aunt Mary. I will always love and miss my dearest niece. I wish very much you could have stayed here with us.
Love you lots always!
Aunt Mary
So Small, So Special, So Sweet, and So Soon.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Grandma
Ellie,
My mom is having surgery today and I am a basket case. I am so nervous. I don't know why I came to work. I'm freaking out. I wish I could be there with her. I didn't think I should take the time off of work but now I wish I had. I should be there. She was here for me when I was in the hospital and after I came home. This weekend is a long weekend and I was planning on going up then for the whole weekend to be with her but now I don't even know if that is going to work out. Grrr i'm so frustrated.
I don't know what I would do if something went wrong. I can't bear to lose your grandma too. It would be too much for me. The procedure is supposed to be routine and done all the time but so was the checkup we went to when we found out you were dead. I don't know if I will ever be the same. If this is a test of what I can expect to be like during my next pregnancy I don't know if I can handle it. I'm too crazy. All I can do is pray right now and leave it in Heavenly Father's hands.
I love you my little angel. Please watch over my mom today and protect her. Comfort her and your grandpa.
Love,
mom
By the way this is the 100th post!
My mom is having surgery today and I am a basket case. I am so nervous. I don't know why I came to work. I'm freaking out. I wish I could be there with her. I didn't think I should take the time off of work but now I wish I had. I should be there. She was here for me when I was in the hospital and after I came home. This weekend is a long weekend and I was planning on going up then for the whole weekend to be with her but now I don't even know if that is going to work out. Grrr i'm so frustrated.
I don't know what I would do if something went wrong. I can't bear to lose your grandma too. It would be too much for me. The procedure is supposed to be routine and done all the time but so was the checkup we went to when we found out you were dead. I don't know if I will ever be the same. If this is a test of what I can expect to be like during my next pregnancy I don't know if I can handle it. I'm too crazy. All I can do is pray right now and leave it in Heavenly Father's hands.
I love you my little angel. Please watch over my mom today and protect her. Comfort her and your grandpa.
Love,
mom
By the way this is the 100th post!
Monday, August 29, 2011
Aunt Flo
Ellie,
I actually had a really good day yesterday. I had talked to my counselor on Thursday about how Sundays are particularly hard for me and we came up with some solutions. I prepared myself ahead of time but tried not to stress out about it. I had some pre decided responses to how I respond when people ask me how i'm doing. It almost all went out the window when walking into church someone gave me a card that all the primary kids had signed for me. That was almost too much for me but I decided to put it in my bag and not look at it until I thought I could deal with it. It was cute, a lot of kids told me thought that they were sorry that my baby was dead. It was sweet but a little hard to handle. I do miss them.
I had a hard time too when I was a little late to Sunday School. I had helped Dad make some copies in the library and by the time I got to Sunday School there weren't any places to sit alone. I would have had to sit by myself. So, I decided to go to your Dad's Sunday School class. That was a lot of fun. I think I might do that more. I always feel better when i'm with him.
Then, something wonderful happened. I know this won't sound wonderful, but my period started. I have never before in my life hoped it would start and been happy when it did. I have always dreaded dealing with it or wished I was pregnant. But, i've been so worried that something was wrong with me, that something has broken when I lost you. I was so worried that I would never be able to get pregnant again. I have faith now that my body is figuring things out and resetting itself. In a few months I will be able to start trying to get pregnant again.
I am really happy about it.
I love you very much. I miss you always.
Love, Mom
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Saturday
Ellie,
Why do things have to be so complicated. Life just sucks sometimes. I woke up today feeling pretty good. I just got paid, your dad had a job interview this week, and we were going to go see a movie so I was pretty excited about the day. I got a lot of cleaning done this morning. Not everything I wanted to get done but enough to satisfy me for the day. We even spent some time with our friends tonight. Now though everything seems complicated. Life is all of a sudden really stressful. Your dad doesn't think he's going to get the job, his calling is stressing him out, our printer is out of ink, and tomorrow is Sunday. I know that doesn't seem like such a big deal but I think i'm pre-stressing about Sunday. I know all of these things don't really matter in the long run and I am so blessed and lucky in many, many ways. I shouldn't be complaining. Will people still give me allowances because of my loss or am I expected to be a normal person now? I guess i'm just upset because for a little while I got my hopes up that your dad would get that job, and while it was only part time, it would really help out with the burden of some of our bills. It wouldn't have been a lot but it would have been really nice. I guess I just shouldn't get my hopes up. I should have learned that lesson by now because whenever I do get my hopes up about something i'm just disappointed. Life just doesn't ever seem to work out the way we plan it. Okay we've learned that lesson, let's get over it. I know, our trials could be worse, and maybe it just all seems worse because of the depression. I seem to have deeper lows than before all this happened. I do have a roof over my head, enough money for my needs, and a wonderful husband who loves me and married me in the temple. Really, what more should I be asking for. In comparison to others I have so much. I guess it's good for me to take the time and realize that. I do even have you. Even if you aren't with me. I miss you so much, I love you baby girl.
Mom
Why do things have to be so complicated. Life just sucks sometimes. I woke up today feeling pretty good. I just got paid, your dad had a job interview this week, and we were going to go see a movie so I was pretty excited about the day. I got a lot of cleaning done this morning. Not everything I wanted to get done but enough to satisfy me for the day. We even spent some time with our friends tonight. Now though everything seems complicated. Life is all of a sudden really stressful. Your dad doesn't think he's going to get the job, his calling is stressing him out, our printer is out of ink, and tomorrow is Sunday. I know that doesn't seem like such a big deal but I think i'm pre-stressing about Sunday. I know all of these things don't really matter in the long run and I am so blessed and lucky in many, many ways. I shouldn't be complaining. Will people still give me allowances because of my loss or am I expected to be a normal person now? I guess i'm just upset because for a little while I got my hopes up that your dad would get that job, and while it was only part time, it would really help out with the burden of some of our bills. It wouldn't have been a lot but it would have been really nice. I guess I just shouldn't get my hopes up. I should have learned that lesson by now because whenever I do get my hopes up about something i'm just disappointed. Life just doesn't ever seem to work out the way we plan it. Okay we've learned that lesson, let's get over it. I know, our trials could be worse, and maybe it just all seems worse because of the depression. I seem to have deeper lows than before all this happened. I do have a roof over my head, enough money for my needs, and a wonderful husband who loves me and married me in the temple. Really, what more should I be asking for. In comparison to others I have so much. I guess it's good for me to take the time and realize that. I do even have you. Even if you aren't with me. I miss you so much, I love you baby girl.
Mom
Friday, August 26, 2011
Bear
Dear Bear,
Today I write to you instead of my little girl. I imagine you too up in that big backyard in the sky running around chasing squirrels and playing catch with my Ellie. When heard that you were going to die I was sad. Mostly because I will miss you. You were an old gal and you lived a great life. I'm glad you are not suffering anymore.
I remember when you came to live with us. I was 14 and we never had a dog before I was so excited. You were the cutes puppy ever. Just this little orange puff ball with this big fluffy tail. You like to romp and play. You were a typical puppy. Mom was worried about you being a mean Chow. She read books on how to train chows and you were soon obedient.
I loved watching you chase lizards in our backyard in New Mexico. I was sad when you were dognapped and so happy when you were found. I loved going for walks with you in the desert and watching you chase the rabbits. When mom and dad moved to Idaho I was sad to see you go but glad that you were so excited to see us when we would come and visit. You sure welcomed Bobby into the family and he soon became one of your favorites. He will miss you very much.
There weren't as many rabbits in Idaho and you had to deal with the snow. But, there were squirrels trying to infiltrate the yard. I hope they don't take over the yard now without you there to guard it.
Soon, your paths in the grass will grow back in. Your collar and leash will hang in the same place but never be used again. I expect mom and dad will someday buy another dog but there will never be a dog like you. You were the perfect pet. Loyal and friendly. Protective and playful. Always happy to see us. You are man's best friend. You were our best friend.
We love you bear and will never forget you.
Rest in peace my friend.
Today I write to you instead of my little girl. I imagine you too up in that big backyard in the sky running around chasing squirrels and playing catch with my Ellie. When heard that you were going to die I was sad. Mostly because I will miss you. You were an old gal and you lived a great life. I'm glad you are not suffering anymore.
I remember when you came to live with us. I was 14 and we never had a dog before I was so excited. You were the cutes puppy ever. Just this little orange puff ball with this big fluffy tail. You like to romp and play. You were a typical puppy. Mom was worried about you being a mean Chow. She read books on how to train chows and you were soon obedient.
I loved watching you chase lizards in our backyard in New Mexico. I was sad when you were dognapped and so happy when you were found. I loved going for walks with you in the desert and watching you chase the rabbits. When mom and dad moved to Idaho I was sad to see you go but glad that you were so excited to see us when we would come and visit. You sure welcomed Bobby into the family and he soon became one of your favorites. He will miss you very much.
There weren't as many rabbits in Idaho and you had to deal with the snow. But, there were squirrels trying to infiltrate the yard. I hope they don't take over the yard now without you there to guard it.
Soon, your paths in the grass will grow back in. Your collar and leash will hang in the same place but never be used again. I expect mom and dad will someday buy another dog but there will never be a dog like you. You were the perfect pet. Loyal and friendly. Protective and playful. Always happy to see us. You are man's best friend. You were our best friend.
We love you bear and will never forget you.
Rest in peace my friend.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Work
Ellie,
Today was really hard for some reason. I woke up really sad, well I went to bed really sad last night too. It was hard to go to work today but I knew I would feel better if I did. And, for the most part it worked. I was distracted most of the day from how sad I was. Looking back on it though I think I was a little harder on my students than I really needed to be. I need to apologize to them tomorrow. Coming home today was hard. This is where all the memories are. Yeah, I know I never had you here but I was ready to bring you here. Everything was set up and I imagined you being here so much. There are still reminders of you everywhere.
Last night was pretty rough. We went to another SHARE meeting. I really didn't want to go. It takes so much out of me. I told your dad that he would have to share your story tonight but when it came around to our turn I wanted to do it. I couldn't just sit there and listen to another story. I found I needed to talk about you in a safe setting where I could cry if I needed to. People ask me at work how i'm doing but i'm afraid to tell them the truth. I don't want them to think i'm a freak.
I cried myself to sleep last night. I talked to you a lot. I begged you to talk back to me and to appear to me. Other people talk about having visions of their babies where they talk to them or even hug them. Why doesn't that kind of thing happen to me? Do I not have enough faith? Are those other people just crazy? No, I don't think that's it. Maybe it's just not meant to be. Maybe for some reason that's not really what I need right now, even though I think it's what I need. If there's one thing i've learned from this experience is that Heavenly Father has a much different idea of what I need.
I was talking to a lady on the phone today from the doctor's office about my bill. She asked about my baby. Does she not have that information in front of her? I guess not, she just worries about the money. I hated having to tell her you were stillborn. What I hated even more was her response. Nothing. She didn't even say i'm sorry. It was like I didn't even say that. She was a nice woman so I know that she wasn't being rude, she just didn't know what to say. This situation is so horrible that people really don't know how to handle it.
It's raining today. I love the rain. Being from New Mexico it doesn't rain much so when it did it was always a special occasion. I know it's kind of backwards but the rain is making me happy. The sky is crying with me.
I love you so much. I hate that we can't be together right now. I miss you.
Love
Mom
Today was really hard for some reason. I woke up really sad, well I went to bed really sad last night too. It was hard to go to work today but I knew I would feel better if I did. And, for the most part it worked. I was distracted most of the day from how sad I was. Looking back on it though I think I was a little harder on my students than I really needed to be. I need to apologize to them tomorrow. Coming home today was hard. This is where all the memories are. Yeah, I know I never had you here but I was ready to bring you here. Everything was set up and I imagined you being here so much. There are still reminders of you everywhere.
Last night was pretty rough. We went to another SHARE meeting. I really didn't want to go. It takes so much out of me. I told your dad that he would have to share your story tonight but when it came around to our turn I wanted to do it. I couldn't just sit there and listen to another story. I found I needed to talk about you in a safe setting where I could cry if I needed to. People ask me at work how i'm doing but i'm afraid to tell them the truth. I don't want them to think i'm a freak.
I cried myself to sleep last night. I talked to you a lot. I begged you to talk back to me and to appear to me. Other people talk about having visions of their babies where they talk to them or even hug them. Why doesn't that kind of thing happen to me? Do I not have enough faith? Are those other people just crazy? No, I don't think that's it. Maybe it's just not meant to be. Maybe for some reason that's not really what I need right now, even though I think it's what I need. If there's one thing i've learned from this experience is that Heavenly Father has a much different idea of what I need.
I was talking to a lady on the phone today from the doctor's office about my bill. She asked about my baby. Does she not have that information in front of her? I guess not, she just worries about the money. I hated having to tell her you were stillborn. What I hated even more was her response. Nothing. She didn't even say i'm sorry. It was like I didn't even say that. She was a nice woman so I know that she wasn't being rude, she just didn't know what to say. This situation is so horrible that people really don't know how to handle it.
It's raining today. I love the rain. Being from New Mexico it doesn't rain much so when it did it was always a special occasion. I know it's kind of backwards but the rain is making me happy. The sky is crying with me.
I love you so much. I hate that we can't be together right now. I miss you.
Love
Mom
Monday, August 22, 2011
The Sunday Funk
Ellie,
I don't know what it is about Sundays that makes them so hard. A friend of mine calls it the Sunday the funk. I thought that was perfect. I guess it's all the talk about families and all the kids around. I had a hard time yesterday. I was fine going but then I started getting really anxious. I realized that I hadn't taken my meds that morning. So, I went home early to get something to eat and take my medicine.
I want to clear something else up with you. I'm not really mad at you. I'm just mad at the situation. I'm mad that bad things have to happen to good people. I'm mad that less deserving people get to have babies. I'm mad at selfish people and at people who aren't sensitive to what we are going through. There aren't many people but there are some and I know it's just because they don't understand.
I had a horrible dream last night about you. I think maybe my meds give me bad dreams because I had bad dreams the night before too. I dreamt that I wanted you bad enough that I got you back, but we soon realized it wasn't really you. Your body had been possessed by an evil spirit. It was pretty terrifying. Now I have this irrational fear that if I want you back then something bad will happen. Silly, I know but it was enough to make me wake your dad up and have him hold me while I cried. This whole situation with losing you just really sucks. I hate it.
Well, I think I can deal with angry right now. At least i'm not as depressed as I was. I can do something about the anger but I can't do much about the depression. I do wish this hadn't happened to us and I never thought it would, but life isn't predictable and it's not fair. I love you so much.
Mom
I don't know what it is about Sundays that makes them so hard. A friend of mine calls it the Sunday the funk. I thought that was perfect. I guess it's all the talk about families and all the kids around. I had a hard time yesterday. I was fine going but then I started getting really anxious. I realized that I hadn't taken my meds that morning. So, I went home early to get something to eat and take my medicine.
I want to clear something else up with you. I'm not really mad at you. I'm just mad at the situation. I'm mad that bad things have to happen to good people. I'm mad that less deserving people get to have babies. I'm mad at selfish people and at people who aren't sensitive to what we are going through. There aren't many people but there are some and I know it's just because they don't understand.
I had a horrible dream last night about you. I think maybe my meds give me bad dreams because I had bad dreams the night before too. I dreamt that I wanted you bad enough that I got you back, but we soon realized it wasn't really you. Your body had been possessed by an evil spirit. It was pretty terrifying. Now I have this irrational fear that if I want you back then something bad will happen. Silly, I know but it was enough to make me wake your dad up and have him hold me while I cried. This whole situation with losing you just really sucks. I hate it.
Well, I think I can deal with angry right now. At least i'm not as depressed as I was. I can do something about the anger but I can't do much about the depression. I do wish this hadn't happened to us and I never thought it would, but life isn't predictable and it's not fair. I love you so much.
Mom
Friday, August 19, 2011
angry tears
Ellie,
Well, i'm back at the anger part of grief. I hate this circle i'm going in. It is never ending. It's not a straight line of grief. I wouldn't even mind it if it was a steep slope, but no, it's an ever changing circle. There is no pattern to it. Last night I was reading a friend's blog about her loss. There were so many parts of it that were so similar to your story. Reading it made my heart break because I really know how they feel. But, instead of making me really sad I got mad and I cried angry tears last night. Ever since, my heart has been heavy. Heavy with a deep angry sadness.
I'm not really sure what i'm angry at. I'm not angry at God. I know this isn't something my Heavenly Father has done to us. I'm just angry it has to happen. I'm angry that parents have to bury their children. I'm angry that I have these horrible memories of those days in the hospital. I'm angry that I can't hold you. I'm angry at myself for, what? I don't know. Loving you too much? Getting my hopes up? Not being strong enough? I don't know. I guess I just need to be angry right now. I'm angry at the world and at life. I'm angry that we hoped and prayed and tried to get you here for years then when you finally came you couldn't stay. (You can't tell but in my head right now i'm yelling these words).
Oh my gosh, I just realized i'm angry at you. I am a horrible awful mother. That hole has opened up in my chest again. I am so sorry. I am crying sad tears now and in a weird way it is helping. I know what I am angry at and I feel awful for it. How can I possible be angry at you? It's not your fault. I'm sorry honey, I love you so much.
Why does there have to be so much pain in the world? I guess I know why. If there was no pain there would be no joy. For the first time I envy Adam and Eve and the time they spent in the Garden of Eden with no pain and no joy. It must have been shocking for them to suddenly experience such a wide array of emotions. I don't know if i'm taking that story to literally right now. But, I can see the draw of not being able to feel emotion. I know we hurt so much because we love so much but sometimes I wish I could give up the joy if it meant the pain would go away as well. We had so much joy though when we were expecting you. And we looked forward with anticipation of so much more joy. Instead we just got pain. Part of me thinks I should focus on remembering the good times and the joy we did feel. But then it makes me sad again to know that is gone.
I don't feel you around me as much anymore. Have you gone on? Am I just not noticing? Or were you never near me in the first place? I miss you so much. Life is moving forward without you. I know one day I will feel that joy again but there will always be the terrible pain of losing you.
I love you.
Mom
Well, i'm back at the anger part of grief. I hate this circle i'm going in. It is never ending. It's not a straight line of grief. I wouldn't even mind it if it was a steep slope, but no, it's an ever changing circle. There is no pattern to it. Last night I was reading a friend's blog about her loss. There were so many parts of it that were so similar to your story. Reading it made my heart break because I really know how they feel. But, instead of making me really sad I got mad and I cried angry tears last night. Ever since, my heart has been heavy. Heavy with a deep angry sadness.
I'm not really sure what i'm angry at. I'm not angry at God. I know this isn't something my Heavenly Father has done to us. I'm just angry it has to happen. I'm angry that parents have to bury their children. I'm angry that I have these horrible memories of those days in the hospital. I'm angry that I can't hold you. I'm angry at myself for, what? I don't know. Loving you too much? Getting my hopes up? Not being strong enough? I don't know. I guess I just need to be angry right now. I'm angry at the world and at life. I'm angry that we hoped and prayed and tried to get you here for years then when you finally came you couldn't stay. (You can't tell but in my head right now i'm yelling these words).
Oh my gosh, I just realized i'm angry at you. I am a horrible awful mother. That hole has opened up in my chest again. I am so sorry. I am crying sad tears now and in a weird way it is helping. I know what I am angry at and I feel awful for it. How can I possible be angry at you? It's not your fault. I'm sorry honey, I love you so much.
Why does there have to be so much pain in the world? I guess I know why. If there was no pain there would be no joy. For the first time I envy Adam and Eve and the time they spent in the Garden of Eden with no pain and no joy. It must have been shocking for them to suddenly experience such a wide array of emotions. I don't know if i'm taking that story to literally right now. But, I can see the draw of not being able to feel emotion. I know we hurt so much because we love so much but sometimes I wish I could give up the joy if it meant the pain would go away as well. We had so much joy though when we were expecting you. And we looked forward with anticipation of so much more joy. Instead we just got pain. Part of me thinks I should focus on remembering the good times and the joy we did feel. But then it makes me sad again to know that is gone.
I don't feel you around me as much anymore. Have you gone on? Am I just not noticing? Or were you never near me in the first place? I miss you so much. Life is moving forward without you. I know one day I will feel that joy again but there will always be the terrible pain of losing you.
I love you.
Mom
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Marriage
Ellie,
I had a conversation today about how some couples have a hard time with their relationship after the loss of a child. This person mentioned that it is hard for newly married couples because they are still getting used to each other and still getting used to being married then they have to deal with the loss too. I thought that maybe that's one reason your dad and I haven't had too bad of a time. We've been married for eight years. We're not really considered newlyweds anymore. We've had a good long time to get to know each other. We are able to hand this better because of that.
Other couples have mentioned though that for the first few months after the loss they got really close then things started to fall apart and get worse. Some even considered divorce. I don't want that to happen to us. I remember being worried while I was pregnant that having a baby would change our relationship. Now it has changed our relationship but in a way that I could never have imagined.
I think in order to keep things going well for us it will always be something we have to work on. We both have to realize that we grieve differently. We have to have a balance of being understanding when the other one is going through a difficult time but also not being selfish by being grumpy all the time. It's difficult to battle the pain inside of ourselves while also trying to help the other person through their pain too. But, we love each other so I know that we will continue to work on it.
This week is going by so slow. I was hoping time would fly by once I got back to work. Maybe it's just because it's still the first week. Hopefully after this week it will seem to go faster. My problem is that I still have things to look forward to. If I was dreading the future then time would fly by.
I'm going to bed so I can start another day.
I love you,
Mom
I had a conversation today about how some couples have a hard time with their relationship after the loss of a child. This person mentioned that it is hard for newly married couples because they are still getting used to each other and still getting used to being married then they have to deal with the loss too. I thought that maybe that's one reason your dad and I haven't had too bad of a time. We've been married for eight years. We're not really considered newlyweds anymore. We've had a good long time to get to know each other. We are able to hand this better because of that.
Other couples have mentioned though that for the first few months after the loss they got really close then things started to fall apart and get worse. Some even considered divorce. I don't want that to happen to us. I remember being worried while I was pregnant that having a baby would change our relationship. Now it has changed our relationship but in a way that I could never have imagined.
I think in order to keep things going well for us it will always be something we have to work on. We both have to realize that we grieve differently. We have to have a balance of being understanding when the other one is going through a difficult time but also not being selfish by being grumpy all the time. It's difficult to battle the pain inside of ourselves while also trying to help the other person through their pain too. But, we love each other so I know that we will continue to work on it.
This week is going by so slow. I was hoping time would fly by once I got back to work. Maybe it's just because it's still the first week. Hopefully after this week it will seem to go faster. My problem is that I still have things to look forward to. If I was dreading the future then time would fly by.
I'm going to bed so I can start another day.
I love you,
Mom
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Back to work
Ellie,
This past week has been pretty good over all. I think going back to work has been good for me. It's been a lot harder on your dad though. He's not used to being alone for so long. My new class is huge. The first week is always crazy. There is always so much to do. My to do list is never cleared off. I told my class about you. They felt really bad. A previous student sent a really nice note today. It is nice to know that my students love me so much and care about me.
Today was kind of a difficult day for some reason. I might just be tired. A co-worker asked me about you. She either didn't know or had forgotten what happened. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be to explain it to her. Another co-worker brought us a little pin that is baby feet. I gave it to your dad. He needs something that he can carry around with him to remember you by. I have my jewelry I wear but he needs something too. I think he'll pin it on his suits. I also still have a hard time every time I say your name, which is difficult because I have a student with your name. It will probably be good for me though. I need to be able to say your name without the pain shooting through my heart, so maybe it's a blessing that she is in my class. At least she's a really good kid. That helps.
I'm sure i'll have my good days and bad days still. It helps that people are still looking out for me. The pain is just a little stronger today. I do have days where I think about how I don't feel like I need to cry. Today is just not one of those days. It's okay though because I know now that it won't last forever. I know I will feel good again, even at least for a little while.
I love you so much baby girl. I miss you.
Mom
This past week has been pretty good over all. I think going back to work has been good for me. It's been a lot harder on your dad though. He's not used to being alone for so long. My new class is huge. The first week is always crazy. There is always so much to do. My to do list is never cleared off. I told my class about you. They felt really bad. A previous student sent a really nice note today. It is nice to know that my students love me so much and care about me.
Today was kind of a difficult day for some reason. I might just be tired. A co-worker asked me about you. She either didn't know or had forgotten what happened. It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be to explain it to her. Another co-worker brought us a little pin that is baby feet. I gave it to your dad. He needs something that he can carry around with him to remember you by. I have my jewelry I wear but he needs something too. I think he'll pin it on his suits. I also still have a hard time every time I say your name, which is difficult because I have a student with your name. It will probably be good for me though. I need to be able to say your name without the pain shooting through my heart, so maybe it's a blessing that she is in my class. At least she's a really good kid. That helps.
I'm sure i'll have my good days and bad days still. It helps that people are still looking out for me. The pain is just a little stronger today. I do have days where I think about how I don't feel like I need to cry. Today is just not one of those days. It's okay though because I know now that it won't last forever. I know I will feel good again, even at least for a little while.
I love you so much baby girl. I miss you.
Mom
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Sunday
Ellie,
Why are Sundays so hard? It's so hard for me to go to church. I always cry. I can go days without crying but I know I will cry in church. It wasn't as bad as last week. Just a few tears this time. I did want to get up and leave about 10 different times. It's just so hard. The gospel really tugs at my heart strings and I can really feel Satan trying to get me to stay home or leave church. I feel like i'm really becoming stronger because of this experience and he really doesn't want me to. I'm always glad when I resist the temptation to leave because I always learn something.
There is a scripture that stuck out to me last week and I have been thinking of it ever since. It was on the board for our Sunday School lesson week. We didn't even get to it I just happened to read it and it really stuck out to me. It's 2 Nephi 10:24-25.
Why are Sundays so hard? It's so hard for me to go to church. I always cry. I can go days without crying but I know I will cry in church. It wasn't as bad as last week. Just a few tears this time. I did want to get up and leave about 10 different times. It's just so hard. The gospel really tugs at my heart strings and I can really feel Satan trying to get me to stay home or leave church. I feel like i'm really becoming stronger because of this experience and he really doesn't want me to. I'm always glad when I resist the temptation to leave because I always learn something.
There is a scripture that stuck out to me last week and I have been thinking of it ever since. It was on the board for our Sunday School lesson week. We didn't even get to it I just happened to read it and it really stuck out to me. It's 2 Nephi 10:24-25.
24 Wherefore, my beloved brethren, areconcile yourselves to thebwill of God, and not to the will of the devil and the flesh; and remember, after ye are reconciled unto God, that it is only in and through the cgrace of God that ye are dsaved.
25 Wherefore, may God araise you from death by the power of the resurrection, and also from everlasting death by the power of the batonement, that ye may be received into the ceternalkingdom of God, that ye may praise him through grace divine. Amen.
At first I couldn't figure out why it was that these verses stuck out to me so much, but as i've pondered them there is a number of things that are significant to me right now. Firstly the line that says "reconcile yourselves to the will of God". This is something I have been thinking about anyway and it really stuck out to me in the temple this week. I may not like the situation of losing you but I recognize that it is God's will and I need to not only accept that but also put my will in line with his. Does that make sense. It's more than just accepting it. I don't know if I could have been like Abraham and been willing to sacrifice my only child. If Heavenly Father had asked me to give you up I would have said no. Something about my attitude needs to change. I know my Father in Heaven loves me but I need to trust him and his will. I need to stop having fantasies about going back in time and forcing the doctor to deliver you early. There is a reason that you had to go but I am not meant to understand it right now. I am only meant to follow in Christ's example and accept this bitter cup.
I will talk more about this scripture later because I continue to ponder it. There are so many things that apply to me right now. I love you very much. I know that you are a wonderful woman. I feel so blessed to be your mother.
Love, Mom
Saturday
Ellie,
I woke up this morning panicking about what I was going to do today. I guess i've enjoyed going to work more than I thought. Today is Saturday and I kind of wished I could go into work. I soon chilled out and really enjoyed my Saturday. I noticed that I can go for longer periods of time without thinking about you and how sad I am. It's a lot better when i'm at work because there aren't quite as many things there to remind me of you. And, when I do think of you it doesn't always make me cry, only sometimes.
I don't know if it's the meds i'm taking or not but I have felt a little better this week. I doubt it's the meds. Those are supposed to take a few weeks to work. I was thinking last night how nice it would be to be pregnant again. I really do miss it. I really miss my nightly ritual of laying in bed and putting my hands on my tummy to feel you move. That was my favorite part of the day. I can't believe you're gone. It just hits me sometimes what I could have had and what my life could be like right now. But it's not, I don't have you and I need to accept that and do the best with what I do have.
I love you so much. I hope you are happy.
Mom
I woke up this morning panicking about what I was going to do today. I guess i've enjoyed going to work more than I thought. Today is Saturday and I kind of wished I could go into work. I soon chilled out and really enjoyed my Saturday. I noticed that I can go for longer periods of time without thinking about you and how sad I am. It's a lot better when i'm at work because there aren't quite as many things there to remind me of you. And, when I do think of you it doesn't always make me cry, only sometimes.
I don't know if it's the meds i'm taking or not but I have felt a little better this week. I doubt it's the meds. Those are supposed to take a few weeks to work. I was thinking last night how nice it would be to be pregnant again. I really do miss it. I really miss my nightly ritual of laying in bed and putting my hands on my tummy to feel you move. That was my favorite part of the day. I can't believe you're gone. It just hits me sometimes what I could have had and what my life could be like right now. But it's not, I don't have you and I need to accept that and do the best with what I do have.
I love you so much. I hope you are happy.
Mom
Friday, August 12, 2011
Ellie,
Work has been good the last few days. There are long periods of time where I don't think about losing you. I can't possibly forget you though. Somebody today mentioned somebody else who has the same name as you and just hearing that name sent a jolt through my heart. I am just still a little worried about Monday. I"m not sure how i'll interact with the students. I hope i'm not too mean.
Last night went really well. There were a lot of us there. We ate good food and had good conversation. It was interesting to see how we are all handling things. I know everybody grieves differently but in other ways it seems so similar. There was a woman there who had only lost her baby a week ago. She was so brave being there. I don't know if I could have done that. It made me sad seeing that look on her face. I know that look. I saw it on my face many times. My heart broke for her. She looked so lost and dejected. I could tell she was hurting bad and putting her brave face on. It will get better. it was good for me to see that I have moved passed that. I'm still sad but it's different. It's not so hopeless now.
One thing that surprised me about last night is that I didn't cry at all. I was kind of surprised. I even talked about you and looked at pictures of you. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm upset with myself if I cry too much and i'm upset with myself if I don't cry. I just feel bland right now. Your dad told me he cried today. I'm sure that will embarrass him but i'm glad he told me. It makes me feel a little better that I'm not the only one. I'm also glad that he communicates this with me. I think we will get through this together.
As always,
I love you.
Mom
Work has been good the last few days. There are long periods of time where I don't think about losing you. I can't possibly forget you though. Somebody today mentioned somebody else who has the same name as you and just hearing that name sent a jolt through my heart. I am just still a little worried about Monday. I"m not sure how i'll interact with the students. I hope i'm not too mean.
Last night went really well. There were a lot of us there. We ate good food and had good conversation. It was interesting to see how we are all handling things. I know everybody grieves differently but in other ways it seems so similar. There was a woman there who had only lost her baby a week ago. She was so brave being there. I don't know if I could have done that. It made me sad seeing that look on her face. I know that look. I saw it on my face many times. My heart broke for her. She looked so lost and dejected. I could tell she was hurting bad and putting her brave face on. It will get better. it was good for me to see that I have moved passed that. I'm still sad but it's different. It's not so hopeless now.
One thing that surprised me about last night is that I didn't cry at all. I was kind of surprised. I even talked about you and looked at pictures of you. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm upset with myself if I cry too much and i'm upset with myself if I don't cry. I just feel bland right now. Your dad told me he cried today. I'm sure that will embarrass him but i'm glad he told me. It makes me feel a little better that I'm not the only one. I'm also glad that he communicates this with me. I think we will get through this together.
As always,
I love you.
Mom
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Quick note
Ellie,
I don't have much time right now but I just want to send you a quick note because i've been thinking about you a lot today. I went to work and since I don't have students yet I spent most of the day alone in my classroom. I had a lot of time to think. It was good though, not too depressing, just a little sad. I miss you terribly but I imagine that going back to work would be much harder if I had to leave you at home right now. A co-worker came in crying yesterday because her kids have started crying every time she leaves for work in the morning. I couldn't do that. It would be so hard to leave you if I had you.
Tonight i'm going to go and meet with some other angel mamas. I'm taking Trinady's mom with me. I'm looking forward to it but i'm also nervous. Sometimes it's kind of hard and depressing to talk about you and hear other's sad stories.
I will write again tonight if I don't get back too late. If not, i'll write in the morning and let you know how it went.
I love you.
Mom
I don't have much time right now but I just want to send you a quick note because i've been thinking about you a lot today. I went to work and since I don't have students yet I spent most of the day alone in my classroom. I had a lot of time to think. It was good though, not too depressing, just a little sad. I miss you terribly but I imagine that going back to work would be much harder if I had to leave you at home right now. A co-worker came in crying yesterday because her kids have started crying every time she leaves for work in the morning. I couldn't do that. It would be so hard to leave you if I had you.
Tonight i'm going to go and meet with some other angel mamas. I'm taking Trinady's mom with me. I'm looking forward to it but i'm also nervous. Sometimes it's kind of hard and depressing to talk about you and hear other's sad stories.
I will write again tonight if I don't get back too late. If not, i'll write in the morning and let you know how it went.
I love you.
Mom
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Back to work
Ellie,
Well, I went back to work today. I had a really good day yesterday but I had a really hard time sleeping last night. I only got about 3 hours. I still got up and 6 and did our walk. I couldn't go as long though. This changing our workout from evening to morning is going to be difficult.
Work was okay. I was kind of manic this morning but then I kind of crashed this afternoon. I did get a lot of work done today. I can tell though that i've changed. It's like i'm seeing things from a different perspective now. My priorities have changed, things that were important to me just aren't now. I hope i'm still a good teacher. We will see how it goes on Monday when I have students. I worry that I will be too apathetic. Is that the right word?
I had fun organizing today. The next two days shouldn't be too bad. I like organizing and planning. And I do like the students too, I do. I'm just not that great at human interaction right now. I just want to do best by these kids.
I love you so much.
Mom
Well, I went back to work today. I had a really good day yesterday but I had a really hard time sleeping last night. I only got about 3 hours. I still got up and 6 and did our walk. I couldn't go as long though. This changing our workout from evening to morning is going to be difficult.
Work was okay. I was kind of manic this morning but then I kind of crashed this afternoon. I did get a lot of work done today. I can tell though that i've changed. It's like i'm seeing things from a different perspective now. My priorities have changed, things that were important to me just aren't now. I hope i'm still a good teacher. We will see how it goes on Monday when I have students. I worry that I will be too apathetic. Is that the right word?
I had fun organizing today. The next two days shouldn't be too bad. I like organizing and planning. And I do like the students too, I do. I'm just not that great at human interaction right now. I just want to do best by these kids.
I love you so much.
Mom
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Good day
Ellie,
Today was a good day. I don't know why, it just was. It's also my last day before going back to work. I tried to pack in as much good out of this day as possible. Which means I am going to bed too late. I started off by taking my new medication this morning. Then we went to the temple. I've been wanting to go all summer but i've been worried that i'd be too much of a basket case. Sometimes just a little bit of emotion can overwhelm me. But, it was actually a very peaceful experience. It was like when we buried you. I felt the spirit but I wasn't overwhelmed by it. I felt peace. I was happy. I was hoping for some grand experience, some vision of you, or some answer to my questions but I guess that's not what I needed. I got what I needed, just a nice peaceful day.
We also went shopping and I did a bunch of laundry and cleaning. We went out to dinner and then went to another SHARE meeting. I let your dad tell our story this time. I kept wanting to interject and add things but I kept my mouth shut and he did a really good job. I didn't cry as much this time. There was a new couple there whose story I had never heard before. Their loss was only 3 weeks ago and their story was pretty unique. It was tough to see them in so much pain but it was good for me because I remember when I looked like them and I can see that I have come a long way. Maybe that's just because today is a good day. I can't always recognize that i've improved.
Pray for me tomorrow. I'm not as anxious about it as I thought I would be but I might be when that alarm goes off in the morning. I hope I sleep tonight. We are going to try to get up early to do our walk before work. Maybe that will help.
Your mama loves ya.
Today was a good day. I don't know why, it just was. It's also my last day before going back to work. I tried to pack in as much good out of this day as possible. Which means I am going to bed too late. I started off by taking my new medication this morning. Then we went to the temple. I've been wanting to go all summer but i've been worried that i'd be too much of a basket case. Sometimes just a little bit of emotion can overwhelm me. But, it was actually a very peaceful experience. It was like when we buried you. I felt the spirit but I wasn't overwhelmed by it. I felt peace. I was happy. I was hoping for some grand experience, some vision of you, or some answer to my questions but I guess that's not what I needed. I got what I needed, just a nice peaceful day.
We also went shopping and I did a bunch of laundry and cleaning. We went out to dinner and then went to another SHARE meeting. I let your dad tell our story this time. I kept wanting to interject and add things but I kept my mouth shut and he did a really good job. I didn't cry as much this time. There was a new couple there whose story I had never heard before. Their loss was only 3 weeks ago and their story was pretty unique. It was tough to see them in so much pain but it was good for me because I remember when I looked like them and I can see that I have come a long way. Maybe that's just because today is a good day. I can't always recognize that i've improved.
Pray for me tomorrow. I'm not as anxious about it as I thought I would be but I might be when that alarm goes off in the morning. I hope I sleep tonight. We are going to try to get up early to do our walk before work. Maybe that will help.
Your mama loves ya.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Ellie,
Well, I did it. I called the doctor this morning and asked him to prescribe me an antidepressant. I don't know why but I was so scared to call him. I had two nightmares about it last night. But, I got up this morning and called. It wasn't nearly as bad as I had thought it would be. The nurse was really nice, so was the pharmacist. I don't know why I was so scared to do this. I guess it's like i'm admitting failure. Like I can't do this on my own. I know that's stupid. I guess I just feel bad because Dad doesn't need to be medicated.
I'm really anxious about going back to work. I don't know why. I have been so looking forward to this summer being over. I'm trying to be positive. I'm hoping this will keep me busy and take my mind off of things. Maybe I can feel like a productive member of society again. I am nervous that the meds i'm taking are supposed to make me anxious and jittery for a few weeks. Great for the beginning of school. I have issues with stress and anxiety anyways. I'm going to have to really try to take it easy. I'm going to try to keep things low stress.
Only one more day of vacation. It's a good thing. I'm going to keep telling myself that. I miss you much baby girl. I really wish you were here.
Love, your mama
Well, I did it. I called the doctor this morning and asked him to prescribe me an antidepressant. I don't know why but I was so scared to call him. I had two nightmares about it last night. But, I got up this morning and called. It wasn't nearly as bad as I had thought it would be. The nurse was really nice, so was the pharmacist. I don't know why I was so scared to do this. I guess it's like i'm admitting failure. Like I can't do this on my own. I know that's stupid. I guess I just feel bad because Dad doesn't need to be medicated.
I'm really anxious about going back to work. I don't know why. I have been so looking forward to this summer being over. I'm trying to be positive. I'm hoping this will keep me busy and take my mind off of things. Maybe I can feel like a productive member of society again. I am nervous that the meds i'm taking are supposed to make me anxious and jittery for a few weeks. Great for the beginning of school. I have issues with stress and anxiety anyways. I'm going to have to really try to take it easy. I'm going to try to keep things low stress.
Only one more day of vacation. It's a good thing. I'm going to keep telling myself that. I miss you much baby girl. I really wish you were here.
Love, your mama
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Church today
Ellie,
I really didn't want to go to church today. I made myself go though. I know it's always the days I really don't want to go that I end up getting so much out of it. Going to church is difficult. Especially on fast sundays. There is always so much emotion and on fast sundays there is usually a baby blessing. Today during the blessing I made myself think of other things. I tried to block it out. Then I noticed that it was your dad that was having a hard time with it and that brought up emotion in me.
Testimony meeting started out rough. I almost got up and walked out. I started crying. It started out as just tears falling down but it got worse and worse until I was balling onto your dad's shoulder. I finally was able to compose myself. I told Dad I wanted to bear my testimony and he said he would go up with me. We bore our testimonies and I don't know if it was that or the crying but I felt much better after that. The counselor did tell me yesterday that crying is biochemically very therapeutic. I need to allow myself to cry more. I think i've been resisting doing that. I just need to try to do it in not so public a setting next time. That was a little embarrassing.
In Sunday school we are talking about a part of the scriptures that is fairly unfamiliar to me. I seem to study the four gospels but past that I don't know much about the New Testament. I realized today that I had been going to church with a sign that says "I am not here". I try not to talk to people, I try not to make eye contact, and I try not to engage in conversations. It's hard to talk about how I am doing but I am grateful for those who notice me even though I try to be invisible.
I do feel like my cup has been filled today and i'm glad I went. It has been so nice going to Sunday School and Relief Society. It has been very uplifting and I really need that now. I am so grateful for the gospel. I don't know what I would do without that knowledge. I don't know how I would ever get through this. I am glad that I have the knowledge of the atonement.
I love you so much. I know we will be together again someday.
Love, Mom
I really didn't want to go to church today. I made myself go though. I know it's always the days I really don't want to go that I end up getting so much out of it. Going to church is difficult. Especially on fast sundays. There is always so much emotion and on fast sundays there is usually a baby blessing. Today during the blessing I made myself think of other things. I tried to block it out. Then I noticed that it was your dad that was having a hard time with it and that brought up emotion in me.
Testimony meeting started out rough. I almost got up and walked out. I started crying. It started out as just tears falling down but it got worse and worse until I was balling onto your dad's shoulder. I finally was able to compose myself. I told Dad I wanted to bear my testimony and he said he would go up with me. We bore our testimonies and I don't know if it was that or the crying but I felt much better after that. The counselor did tell me yesterday that crying is biochemically very therapeutic. I need to allow myself to cry more. I think i've been resisting doing that. I just need to try to do it in not so public a setting next time. That was a little embarrassing.
In Sunday school we are talking about a part of the scriptures that is fairly unfamiliar to me. I seem to study the four gospels but past that I don't know much about the New Testament. I realized today that I had been going to church with a sign that says "I am not here". I try not to talk to people, I try not to make eye contact, and I try not to engage in conversations. It's hard to talk about how I am doing but I am grateful for those who notice me even though I try to be invisible.
I do feel like my cup has been filled today and i'm glad I went. It has been so nice going to Sunday School and Relief Society. It has been very uplifting and I really need that now. I am so grateful for the gospel. I don't know what I would do without that knowledge. I don't know how I would ever get through this. I am glad that I have the knowledge of the atonement.
I love you so much. I know we will be together again someday.
Love, Mom
D&C 6:23
"Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?"
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Counselor
Ellie,
Well, I went to see a counselor this morning. I'm still not sure how much it helped. She didn't tell me anything I hadn't heard before and I was really crabby afterwards. But, I will keep going as long as she thinks I need to. She said i'm probably anxious about going back to work. I am a little worried about that. It will be good to keep me busy but I don't want to just ignore the problem and i'm a little worried that a little stress might just put me over the edge. She did give me some ideas on what to do when I feel anxious and stressed. I told her I tend to stress out about things, especially when things aren't in perfect order. She asked what helped me feel better when I am feeling depressed. Chocolate ice cream is the easy answer : )
She also wants me to call the doctor on Monday and get some medication. I'm not sure how I feel about that either. It's a little embarrassing that I need medication. But, maybe it is a biochemical problem. Maybe it is a little postpartum depression. And, I guess it shouldn't be embarrassing. Lots of people are medicated. She also told me I need to not worry so much about what other people think. She said generally people will want me to be done grieving before I am ready. Everybody grieves differently and I just need to take it as it comes.
I think it will help. She was really nice, I really liked her. She also brought your dad in at the end to tell him what we talked about and how he could help me. I love him. He is so wonderful. I keep waiting for him to get tired of me but he doesn't. He loves me.
I love you Ellie. I am so grateful to be your mother and I look forward to the day we can be together again.
Love, Mom
I think it will help. She was really nice, I really liked her. She also brought your dad in at the end to tell him what we talked about and how he could help me. I love him. He is so wonderful. I keep waiting for him to get tired of me but he doesn't. He loves me.
I love you Ellie. I am so grateful to be your mother and I look forward to the day we can be together again.
Love, Mom
Friday, August 5, 2011
Tomorrow
Ellie,
I am so nervous for tomorrow. I have finally decided to go and see a counselor and tomorrow is my first appointment. I'm very anxious about it. I'm mostly scared of the unknown. I have never done anything like this before and I don't know what to expect. I'm also going to an unfamiliar part of town and i'm not sure how to get there or where to go once I get in the building or what to say. I'm not good in unfamiliar situations anyway but this is particularly scary.
I'm also worried about opening myself up. I'm sure it's good for me but every time I do it's like opening up an old wound and it hurts more for a while. I can think of a Harry Potter analogy. Sorry i'm kind of obsessed with Harry Potter right now. When Harry is meeting with Snape for lessons on protecting his mind from Voldemort he always feels more vulnerable after those lessons. That is how I feel any time I open up. That is how I feel after talking about it at the SHARE meetings. It should get easier.
I am looking forward to getting some help. I think I really need it right now. Especially with work starting in a week, i'm really anxious about that. I don't know how this is going to go, or how long I will see a counselor but right now it's what I need to do to take another step towards healing. And, while writing to you is beneficial and I try to be open and honest there are a couple things that I resist writing about. I hope I feel comfortable enough to talk about them tomorrow.
I love you. Please be with me tomorrow if you can and give me strength.
Goodnight little girl.
I love you.
I am so nervous for tomorrow. I have finally decided to go and see a counselor and tomorrow is my first appointment. I'm very anxious about it. I'm mostly scared of the unknown. I have never done anything like this before and I don't know what to expect. I'm also going to an unfamiliar part of town and i'm not sure how to get there or where to go once I get in the building or what to say. I'm not good in unfamiliar situations anyway but this is particularly scary.
I'm also worried about opening myself up. I'm sure it's good for me but every time I do it's like opening up an old wound and it hurts more for a while. I can think of a Harry Potter analogy. Sorry i'm kind of obsessed with Harry Potter right now. When Harry is meeting with Snape for lessons on protecting his mind from Voldemort he always feels more vulnerable after those lessons. That is how I feel any time I open up. That is how I feel after talking about it at the SHARE meetings. It should get easier.
I am looking forward to getting some help. I think I really need it right now. Especially with work starting in a week, i'm really anxious about that. I don't know how this is going to go, or how long I will see a counselor but right now it's what I need to do to take another step towards healing. And, while writing to you is beneficial and I try to be open and honest there are a couple things that I resist writing about. I hope I feel comfortable enough to talk about them tomorrow.
I love you. Please be with me tomorrow if you can and give me strength.
Goodnight little girl.
I love you.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
2 months
Ellie,
I'm sorry, I had intended to write to you every day and now i've missed two times this week. Today is your 2 month birthday. I count this down so diligently because at 6 months we can start trying to have another kid. This is the only hope I have to cling to right now. The only thing I have to look forward to. It's scary though.
Since losing you i've talked to so many other people and read so many stories and learned about the innumerable things that can go wrong with babies. It is such a miracle when a child is born and lives with nothing wrong.
It make me wonder how I never noticed before. It's like there was this hidden world of angel babies and their families that all of a sudden came into view after I became and angel mama.There is so much pain in the world and so many things that can go wrong.
I really want a baby but I know i'm going to be a basket case thinking about all the things that can go wrong. I just know i'm not ready yet. There are times when I think I really want to get pregnant right away. I haven't had a period yet since I had you and I mentioned some concern about this to my mom. She suggested that I might be pregnant. I was surprised at the fear that shot through my heart. I know i'm not pregnant but for just a second I was terrified. I guess i'm not as ready as I thought I was. Well, I still have 4 more months. We will see how I feel then.
Love you
I'm sorry, I had intended to write to you every day and now i've missed two times this week. Today is your 2 month birthday. I count this down so diligently because at 6 months we can start trying to have another kid. This is the only hope I have to cling to right now. The only thing I have to look forward to. It's scary though.
Since losing you i've talked to so many other people and read so many stories and learned about the innumerable things that can go wrong with babies. It is such a miracle when a child is born and lives with nothing wrong.
It make me wonder how I never noticed before. It's like there was this hidden world of angel babies and their families that all of a sudden came into view after I became and angel mama.There is so much pain in the world and so many things that can go wrong.
I really want a baby but I know i'm going to be a basket case thinking about all the things that can go wrong. I just know i'm not ready yet. There are times when I think I really want to get pregnant right away. I haven't had a period yet since I had you and I mentioned some concern about this to my mom. She suggested that I might be pregnant. I was surprised at the fear that shot through my heart. I know i'm not pregnant but for just a second I was terrified. I guess i'm not as ready as I thought I was. Well, I still have 4 more months. We will see how I feel then.
Love you
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Missed day
Ellie,
I'm sorry I didn't write to you yesterday. It doesn't mean i'm not thinking about you. I think about you all the time. I've been spending time with my family. I think a lot about how things would be different if you were here with us. I thought about you a lot today when we were at the zoo. Every little girl reminded me of you. The elephants reminded me of you. The tiles at the zoo bought in remembrance of dead loved ones reminded me of you. Every movie I watch has something in it that reminds me of you. Today we watched a movie and at the end the main character talked about how the dead people he could see weren't stuck here because they hadn't let go, they were stuck here because we can't let them go. I know that's not how it really works but I thought about you being stuck here because i'm not ready to let you go yet.
I've had a really rough week. My depression just keeps hanging on. I keep hoping it's just PMS and i'll get over it but it doesn't go away. I set up an appointment to go see a therapist. I'm a little nervous. I've never done anything like this before. I hope it helps. We'll see.
I love you my little Ellie-phant.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)