Work

Ellie,
Today was really hard for some reason. I woke up really sad, well I went to bed really sad last night too. It was hard to go to work today but I knew I would feel better if I did. And, for the most part it worked. I was distracted most of the day from how sad I was. Looking back on it though I think I was a little harder on my students than I really needed to be. I need to apologize to them tomorrow. Coming home today was hard. This is where all the memories are. Yeah, I know I never had you here but I was ready to bring you here. Everything was set up and I imagined you being here so much. There are still reminders of you everywhere.
Last night was pretty rough. We went to another SHARE meeting. I really didn't want to go. It takes so much out of me. I told your dad that he would have to share your story tonight but when it came around to our turn I wanted to do it. I couldn't just sit there and listen to another story. I found I needed to talk about you in a safe setting where I could cry if I needed to. People ask me at work how i'm doing but i'm afraid to tell them the truth. I don't want them to think i'm a freak.
I cried myself to sleep last night. I talked to you a lot. I begged you to talk back to me and to appear to me. Other people talk about having visions of their babies where they talk to them or even hug them. Why doesn't that kind of thing happen to me? Do I not have enough faith? Are those other people just crazy? No, I don't think that's it. Maybe it's just not meant to be. Maybe for some reason that's not really what I need right now, even though I think it's what I need. If there's one thing i've learned from this experience is that Heavenly Father has a much different idea of what I need.
I was talking to a lady on the phone today from the doctor's office about my bill. She asked about my baby. Does she not have that information in front of her? I guess not, she just worries about the money. I hated having to tell her you were stillborn. What I hated even more was her response. Nothing. She didn't even say i'm sorry. It was like I didn't even say that. She was a nice woman so I know that she wasn't being rude, she just didn't know what to say. This situation is so horrible that people really don't know how to handle it.
It's raining today. I love the rain. Being from New Mexico it doesn't rain much so when it did it was always a special occasion. I know it's kind of backwards but the rain is making me happy. The sky is crying with me.
I love you so much. I hate that we can't be together right now. I miss you.
Love
Mom