Walk for Remembrance

Ellie,
Wow, today was really rough. It was just so emotional. In ways it was good. We got to honor you and remember you, which I like doing but it's hard too.
I got a good night's sleep and drank plenty of water. I had a pretty leisurely morning. I took my time getting ready. I practice my song on and off throughout the morning. A little bit before we left I tried out my song for your dad. I couldn't make it through without crying. That worried me a bit. What if I did that when I performed? We made it there in plenty of time. Which was good because it gave me time to get used to the area and do the sound check. The sound check went well. That made me feel a lot better. It was so hot there though and we got there so early so we had to sit in the sun for a while.
We got our shirts that we had ordered, got a program, signed in and waited. Melissa, my mom, JC, and my grandma came to support us. It was good to have them there. We were both having a hard time. We were both very nervous and kind of grumpy. It was nice to see people that we knew there. We had met a few people at the meetings.
The program started and I had to force myself not to really pay attention to the speaker. I think she did a good job. She Mrs. Utah. I knew I was up after her and couldn't afford to get too emotional. I realized it had been a while since I had gone through my song and I started panicking that I would forget the words. Which was stupid because I had practiced so much. I knew the words backwards and forwards. When it was finally my turn I decided to take the music up with me. The woman who introduced us was amazed that I was singing only a few months after our loss.
The song went pretty well. I didn't sing perfectly. There were a couple times I thought I was going to cry but I forced myself to keep singing. So, there were some parts that sounded strained. But, I was happy that I didn't break down and start crying or forget the words so I considered it a victory. I was shaking the whole time. I couldn't look at people. Grandma and Dad were videotaping me but I didn't look at them at all. I just kept scanning the trees right above the crowd. I was shaking so hard I was sure it would pick up on the mic. Everyone said they couldn't tell I was shaking so I guess it wasn't as bad as I thought.
After that I was able to relax more and enjoy the event. The venue was kind of weird because we were at a cemetery. It was beautiful. There was a big lawn, lots of large trees, and a gorgeous fountain. After I sang we all did a walk around the cemetery. At the end we got a pink balloon. The names of the babies were read and as our babies name was ready we were supposed to release the balloon. It was touching to hear names of babies of families we knew. As your name was read we released our balloons and mine got stuck in a tree but your dad's soared high into the sky. It was so sad to hear some families had multiple names read. I hope that is never us. Afterwards we sealed a letter from me, a letter from grandma, and a stuffed elephant from your great aunt Melissa. I know you will never physically read that letter but I hope that you know everything that's in it.
I was grateful for the chance to honor you. The rest of the day has been rough. Your dad and I knew we needed to be together. We went and got some food and went to a movie. It was an okay distraction for a while but after the movie I started panicking and I didn't want to go home. I was in a reckless mood. I wanted to do something self destructive. I was in a bad place. I couldn't decide what I wanted to do. I didn't want to go shopping because we don't have the money to spend. We were a little hungry. Dad got the idea to go to Sonic. That sounded good to me. Then we went to Smith's and got a few things for Sunday tomorrow.
I got home and after a few minutes of talking to dad I broke down into tears. It was good cry. I was at a really low point but crying has been very therapeutic. I feel much better now. At my lowest tonight I didn't have any hope that life would get any better. I couldn't see how I could possibly go on another 60 years like this. At first your dad was down right along with me and agreeing with everything that I was babbling. Eventually though he was able to pull me out of it and comfort me.
This really does suck what we are going through. I hate that we have to go through this. I just miss you so much. I hope at some point our lives progress and we are able to move out of this funk that we are in. I know we will eventually but right now it's hard.
I miss you so much baby girl. I hope you are doing well.
Love,
Mom