positive thinking

Ellie,
Every time I hear if something bad happening to somebody, whether it's and injury, an illness, or a sin, I think about how glad I am that you will never have to deal with that. It's my way of looking on the bright side of our sad situation. I'm glad that you don't have to live in this wretched world. But, honestly it's not that bad. People tell me that I should be happy you don't have to experience all the bad this world has to offer but the truth is there are many wonderful things you are going to miss out on. I know you will experience most of them in the millennium but it's still not quite the same. I am glad you will never be hurt, bullied, sick, or tempted by the evils in this world. But, i'm also sad that you will miss out on birthday parties, watching chick flicks, daddy-daughter dates, chocolate ice cream, and going to the Prom. Great joy, beauty, and happiness also comes with all the yucky stuff. I guess i'm just sad that I won't get to experience all those things with you. You will still get to do the important stuff like getting married and having a family of your own. Most of all right now, I guess just because of the position i'm in, i'm glad that you will never have to bury a child. I am glad that you didn't suffer. As far as I can tell you went peacefully and didn't feel any pain. You didn't struggle for life for months in the hospital. You were with me until the end.
I really look forward to one day getting to know you better. I hope you know how much I love you.
Mom

fantasies

Ellie,

I've always had a hard time falling asleep. I used to relax and calm down by fantasizing about what it would be like to be pregnant and have kids. Once we found out you were on the way I used to lay in bed and think about how happy I was and what it would be like to have you, hold you, cuddle you, and play with you. I used to wonder what you would be like, what you would grow up to do. More than anything I want to hold you close and kiss your soft skin. 

Tonight as I lay down to go to sleep my mind, for the first time in a while, automatically started one of those fantasies. It only lasted about half a second before a protective wall went up. But, for that half a second I was completely happy. It reminded me so much of the pure joy I had while I was pregnant. Laying in bed, rubbing my belly, feeling you move, and fantasizing about our life together was my favorite thing in the world to do. Then the painful memories that that protective wall couldn't quite keep out flooded in. The wall went up pretty fast but it wasn't too bad. 

I'm still trying to hold on to that feeling. I hope I can feel it again someday. I desperately want to get pregnant again and I desperately want to feel joy while I am pregnant. I don't want to spend the whole thing being anxious. Maybe the fact that I was able to feel some joy tonight is a good sign. I don't think i'm ready to let that wall down just yet but I can let a little seep through the cracks. 

I miss you. I'm happy you're safe and i'll never ever have to worry about you again.

Love,

mom

Hi honey,
I'm sorry. I know I need to write more. It really does help. I'm just stubborn and lazy. I can't sleep tonight. Headache. I've been doing pretty good. Life plugs along. It's been kind of rough trying to wean myself off of my meds. It's hard but I really want to do it. I always planned on quitting before we started trying to get pregnant in December but at my last counseling meeting she suggested I stay on through the holidays. That kind of scared me because I realized that she's right, the holidays are going to be hard. But, nothing is going to stop me from trying to get pregnant the minute i'm allowed to start again. So, I figured i'd better start weaning myself off now so I can learn to cope without them before the holidays hit.
Your dad is the one who's actually having the hardest time right now. It's hard for me because he deals with it so differently than I do. I'm going to have him call the counselor tomorrow. He says he'll do it. I hope he actually does. I know i'm not as sensitive towards him as I could be sometimes too. I have to realize that he is grieving, he just show is differently than I do.
I think about you all the time. You would be three and half months now. I think i'll always think about what life would be like if you were here. What would you look like? What milestones would you be hitting? What would you be like? I hope I really do get to know someday.
I don't feel you around me as much as I used to. Maybe you have other things to do and maybe I don't need you as much anymore. Please be with your dad right now. He needs you as his guardian angel more than I do right now.
I love you so much my little girl. I wish I had you to hold onto.
Love,
Mom

Ellie,
I don't even know what to write right now. I feel like i'm in a rut. I've had a cold and I haven't been able to work out like I want to because i've been so drained. I've been eating crappy again because i'm lazy. I just don't feel like life is going anywhere right now. I think i'm just down right now because I can't sleep. I'm also trying to go off my meds. My counselor suggested I stay on them through the holidays but I don't really want to. I want to have them out of my system before we start trying to get pregnant again in December. So, i'm trying to wean myself off now so I can learn to deal on my own without them so maybe I can get strong enough to handle the holidays.
Things are actually going pretty good I guess. I only cry about once a week now. It's still hard. I still miss you terribly but I am also happy a lot. My day usually goes pretty well. I'm actually really enjoying my work. I'm really trying to be the best teacher I possibly can. It's like i've substituted these students for my own kids. I'm trying to do the best for them that I can which means i'm enjoying it more.
I love being home with your dad but there are always so many more reminders here. Not that I want to forget you I just want to not be sad. This weekend is the anniversary of your conception. I know it's weird to think of but starting now i'm going to be thinking "this time last year..." October 25th will be particularly difficult. That's the day we found out we were pregnant. The most happy day of my life. I wouldn't give it up for anything. I will never forget that day.
I don't know all the reasons we had to go through this but I do know that God has His own plan and, I know it's cliche to say, but he truly does work in mysterious ways. Mysterious only to us I guess. He knows what's going on. Why am I so forgetful? It has been so hard for me to read my scriptures and pray often. I don't know why. I'm just lazy and would rather wallow in self pity I guess. I know though that when I am reading my scriptures and praying that is when I feel best. Why do I deny myself of that proven relief and comfort? Maybe I can just chalk it up to Satan and his followers misdirecting me. I don't do bad things but I also don't do the things I should be doing. It's a slippery slope that I know all to well. I don't want to fall down there again. I need to continue to be valiant and strong.
I need to so I can be with you for all time.
I love you. I miss you so much.
mom

Wow, I should not agree to babysit on days I forget to take my meds.

‎"Adversity will surface in some form in every life. How we prepare for it, how we meet it, makes the difference. We can be broken by adversity, or we can become stronger. The final result is up to the individual." - Marvin J. Ashton

Grandma part 2

Ellie,
Grandma is back in the hospital today. Grandpa called and said they were rushing her into surgery because she was cramping really bad and bleeding excessively. It was all happening so fast. He asked me to call the rest of the family and let them know. For some reason, and I don't know why, I didn't freak out as much this time. It seems backwards to me. I should have been more panicked this time around. Maybe I just didn't have as much time to work myself up about it, or maybe because I was charged with the job of calling the family. I knew I had to be strong. Also, I think something my counselor said at our last meeting helped. I was talking about what a basket case I was when mom was having her surgery and how anxious I was about getting pregnant again. She told me that being anxious does nothing helpful. I think if I can keep that in mind and remember to breathe I will be fine.
Grandma is out of surgery and is doing well. Nothing was really wrong with her.  They didn't see any active bleeding they just cleaned out a bunch of blood that was in there. She will be in the hospital over night but her recovery should be quicker. Once again I charged you with the duty of looking after her. Now I ask you to please be with your father. He is going through a really down time and needs your comfort and guidance.
I love you so much my little angel.
Mom

Cold

Ellie,
I've got a stupid cold. Isn't it too early in the year for this? I remember last year I got one in October. I remember because I found out I was pregnant with you shortly after and I was worried about all the cold medication I had taken. I also had a cold shortly before you left. That one was pretty miserable because I didn't want to take anything for fear of harming you. I took tylenol every once in a while, that was it. I was really sick that time too. I'm not as bad right now but it makes me think of you.

I really miss being pregnant. I was so miserable for much of the time and I am really enjoying the extra energy I have right now. I am surprised at how much more I can get done when i'm not pregnant or recovering from a c-section. But, I really miss feeling you inside of me and imagining what life was going to be like when you were born. I miss calling your father over to feel  you move. I miss how you fight the ultrasounds techs. You were so stubborn. I miss rubbing my belly and talking to you. Mostly I miss looking forward to a happy future. Right now it's just sad. I don't have much to look forward to.

I'm really dreading the holidays. I know they are going to be hard. I really want to spend time with my family but I know it's going to be hard to be around your cousins. They are so adorable and I love them but I know it's going to make us sad. It's going to be hard to balance what my family wants me to do and what your dad wants to do. He is going to want to be away from them as much as possible and they are going to want us to be near them as much as possible. He doesn't even want to be there for Christmas morning. How do I tell my family that? They will be really disappointed. I hope they will understand.

I am looking forward to trying to get pregnant again. But i've still got a few months and that seems so far away. Even then it will be trying because I will be nervous that we won't be able to get pregnant and then if I do get pregnant I know I will be a basket case. What I really want is to go back in time and do it all over again with you and somehow assure that you lived. I really don't know what I could have done different though and I guess it's useless to think that because it is impossible. I need to make the best of what I have now and hope for happiness in the future.

I love you so much. I can't wait until the day I can hold you.
Love, Mom

PTSD

Ellie,
Sometimes I feel like I have post traumatic stress disorder. Last night in my dreams I relived those horrible days in the hospital, mostly the C-section. I would get up and even go to the bathroom, come back to bed, and they would start all over again. Your dad says that i'm reliving that part especially because it is less clear to me than anything else. I was so out of it. I was exhausted from being awake for 40 hours and being in labor for 26 of those hours that I was unconscious for most of the operation. I remember making myself wake up a few times. I was shaking so bad when they took me in. They put my arms out perpendicular from my body and I focused so hard on keeping them still. I woke up a few times to see if they were almost done. At one point there was this weird sensation and I had to ask what it was. I kept asking if you were born yet. I wanted to know if there was a cord accident but the doctor told me there wasn't. Your dad sat by my side the entire time and held me and comforted me. The last time I woke up I saw you. You were wrapped up in a blanket and lying on a counter. You were completely still. I stared for a few seconds and closed my eyes and kept them shut until they took me back to my room. That is all I remember. Your dad has told me other things but that is all I can remember. I remember there were a lot of people in there and it took them a long time to get started. I would ask if it was over and they would say that they hadn't even started yet.
Why is this the most traumatic part for me? The little room where we saw your heart not beating and found out were dead should be worse. Sitting in my hospital bed holding you and looking at your poor lifeless body while pictures were being taken should have been worse. Feeling your cold stiff body and looking at your peeling skin when I said goodbye should have been worse. Seeing your tiny casket should have been worse. But no, it was your birth that gives me nightmares. How horrible. That should have been the happiest moment of my life and instead it's clouded with a foggy sleep deprived and drug induced memory full of fear and terrible sadness. Will I ever have a happy birth. All of them will probably be cesarians. Will it be as terrifying or will the sound of a living baby bring happiness and joy to my nightmare? Will it be enough? Will I be able to have that total happiness or will the birth of any future children always be tainted?
I miss you and love you so much. I don't want to have nightmares associated with you. I want to be happy and dream about being with you again.
Last night I was begging you for some sign that I would be happy again. Some sign of the future. I just need to know if I will be able to get pregnant again. It would bring me so much comfort and peace. It's so hard sometimes that we can't see the future. I had a sudden vision in my head of your dad and I holding hands with a little girl who was happily walking and skipping in between us. Last night it just made me sad. I thought about how we won't have that experience with you. It wasn't until this morning that I realized that could have been my sign. Is that that future? Will we get another little girl? Or is that you? Or was it just a figment of my wishful thinking? I don't know. I just know that I have begged God to know the future many times in the past and it has never truly been what I needed. He really does know best.
I miss you so much. I don't know why this had to happen to us. I am part of the worst club in the world. But I am a mom and that is the best club in the world. You are my little girl and I love you.
mom

One Day

It's a work in progress, but here it goes.

One day
     my joy was complete
     my dreams came true
     a smile was glued to my face
One day
     eight months later
     my heart broke
     my dreams were shattered
One day
     I begin to heal
     I clean and organize
     and I start to write
One day
     my smile became real
     I dry my tears
     I look to the future
One day
     I will truly be happy for others in their joy
     I will be able to see babies and not cry
     I will have one of my own
One day
     I will hold my child again
   
   
 

Blind sided

Ellie,
Tonight I was blind sided by grief. Just when I think i'm doing better I lose it and then lose all faith in myself. I guess it's been kind of an emotional week. Sunday was your 3 month birthday. We went to see Grandma and Grandpa but didn't have time to go and see you. With the news that my friend and fellow angel mama is pregnant it has gotten me thinking about what it will be like to be pregnant. I'm so worried that I won't enjoy it at all. I so loved being pregnant with you and want it to be a happy occasion again. I also found out that some good friends of mine are fostering a brand new baby and there is a good chance they will get to adopt him. I am so happy for them but i'm sad that i'm too depressed and scared to go visit and share in their joy. I'm so worried about how I will react around this baby. I don't know why. I've been around other babies and this one is a boy. I should be okay, but it's just so hard. Maybe I can just right this off as a bad day and I will be fine another day to go and visit. That's what is so frustrating about this. I had a great day today. I hate that it had to end with me balling into my pillow again. I wish I could just turn my mind off. I need to learn some sort of meditation. My mind is too crazy and I stress too much about things. My shoulders have been so tense lately. Your wonderful father has been rubbing them for me every night. It helps but they are still so tight. Yoga is no good. I'm not flexible enough. I just need to learn some techniques to turn my mind off and relax. Maybe I will talk to the counselor about it next week at my appointment.
I love you so much baby girl. I wish I only had good memories of you. Tonight I had horrible flashbacks of losing you. I wish I could just remember all the good memories, but dwelling on those just makes me think of all the good time we will miss together.
I hope so much that you are doing well and are happy.
Love, your mama

weight and nerves

Ellie,
Things have been going pretty good. I feel like I am getting better. I really miss you a lot but it's not as despairing as it used to be. I was a little depressed yesterday because I saw video take a few years ago of myself in a swimsuit. Yuck! If I saw somebody like that on the beach I would have been disgusted. Then I got on the Wii fit this morning for the first time in a while. It told me I had lost almost 16 lbs. My last weigh in on the Wii fit was over a year ago, before I was pregnant. So, i'm 15 pounds lighter than my pre-pregnancy weight. That kind of boosted my ego a bit. I'm actually more motivated to work out. I'd like to lose about 30 lbs. before I get pregnant again. I'm being pretty good with my carbs and I feel like it's working. I'm even more excited about working out.
This morning an Angel Mama friend of mine announced that she is pregnant with her rainbow baby. I like what she said about the only people who could possibly understand what she is feeling are people who have had a loss. I can only imagine what that will be like to go through. I had a flood of emotions with just reading about her being pregnant. I started crying while I was reading about it. I've also been such a basket-case worrying about my mom. I keep thinking i'm ready and trying to convince myself that I don't need to be so worried but I know I will. Is there anything I can do to prevent that? The only thing I can think of is some sort of meditation. I'm hoping to be off of my crazy meds by then. I don't want to take anything while i'm prego. I am learning to be more calm though. I will keep working on that.
I love you so much little girl. I think of you all the time.
Love,
Mom

Nap

Ellie,
As I was laying down taking my Sunday nap I thought of something brilliant to say. Now either the nap pushed it right out of my head or it wasn't that brilliant and the pre-nap haze made it seem amazing. I spent the weekend up and Grandma and Grandpa's. It was good to see Grandma. I have been so worried about her with her surgery. She is sore but recovering well. I needed to see her and know that she was going to be okay. Grandpa and Uncle Thomas are taking very good care of her. She is going to be just fine. Thank you for watching over her.
I was talking to Grandpa about grieving your loss. This is also something I talked to the counselor about at my last appointment. I have a hard time balancing acknowledging your existence and torturing myself by making me remember you. I want you to be a part of my life and I don't want to just ignore my pain because that won't really make it go away. Grandpa said it's kind of like how he deals with all of his kids being grown up. He loves us and misses us but when we aren't there he doesn't think about us constantly and bemoan the fact that we are gone. He goes on with his normal life and days will go by that he doesn't think about us much. He's not being a bad dad, it doesn't mean he doesn't love us, and he doesn't stop being our dad. I am your mom, I love you, and will never forget you. But, I don't need to be torturing myself watching your video or pouring over pictures of you. Yes, I wish my life was different, and yes it does depress me quite a bit sometimes but I need to get on with it. There is nothing I can do to change the way things are. I will always love you. I am so happy I am your mom but I am going to try to stop torturing myself and forcing myself to grieve. It will come as it comes.
Love ya lots babe.
Mom

pioneers

Ellie,
I've been thinking a lot about trials the last few months. The first thing that always comes to my mind when I think of trials is the pioneers. I have always admired their strength. I never understood how they could go through what they went through. They were so strong. I have always felt blessed to be born now. I didn't think I could survive their experiences. I've always believed, and I still do, that those were very special people put aside for that calling in life.
I in no way compare our trial to those of the pioneers. I still feel blessed to have the blessings I have. But, as we've gone through our trial i've heard people tell us things that I have thought about the pioneers. People tell me I am strong. They ask how we deal with it. They acknowledge how blessed they are. I have come to realize that the pioneers weren't necessarily strong beforehand. They loved the gospel, they loved their family, they fought for their lives, and they loved God. They did what had to be done and got stronger before it. I think if I had been born then I would have done it to. It's what was needed to be done to survive.
How do I get by? How do I deal? I just do. What's the other option? To give up? To stop living? No, we put one foot in front of the other and, to quote Sleepless in Seattle, we breathe in and out. We live. It hurts sometimes but we must move on. We must survive. I wish terribly that it didn't have to be without you, but that's the way it is and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing. I must move on. I must live my life. I can't quit.
These things I know to be true: I am a mom, I am your mom, I will see you and hold you again, I love you.
I miss you
Mom