Nap

Ellie,
As I was laying down taking my Sunday nap I thought of something brilliant to say. Now either the nap pushed it right out of my head or it wasn't that brilliant and the pre-nap haze made it seem amazing. I spent the weekend up and Grandma and Grandpa's. It was good to see Grandma. I have been so worried about her with her surgery. She is sore but recovering well. I needed to see her and know that she was going to be okay. Grandpa and Uncle Thomas are taking very good care of her. She is going to be just fine. Thank you for watching over her.
I was talking to Grandpa about grieving your loss. This is also something I talked to the counselor about at my last appointment. I have a hard time balancing acknowledging your existence and torturing myself by making me remember you. I want you to be a part of my life and I don't want to just ignore my pain because that won't really make it go away. Grandpa said it's kind of like how he deals with all of his kids being grown up. He loves us and misses us but when we aren't there he doesn't think about us constantly and bemoan the fact that we are gone. He goes on with his normal life and days will go by that he doesn't think about us much. He's not being a bad dad, it doesn't mean he doesn't love us, and he doesn't stop being our dad. I am your mom, I love you, and will never forget you. But, I don't need to be torturing myself watching your video or pouring over pictures of you. Yes, I wish my life was different, and yes it does depress me quite a bit sometimes but I need to get on with it. There is nothing I can do to change the way things are. I will always love you. I am so happy I am your mom but I am going to try to stop torturing myself and forcing myself to grieve. It will come as it comes.
Love ya lots babe.
Mom