I've always had a hard time falling asleep. I used to relax and calm down by fantasizing about what it would be like to be pregnant and have kids. Once we found out you were on the way I used to lay in bed and think about how happy I was and what it would be like to have you, hold you, cuddle you, and play with you. I used to wonder what you would be like, what you would grow up to do. More than anything I want to hold you close and kiss your soft skin.
Tonight as I lay down to go to sleep my mind, for the first time in a while, automatically started one of those fantasies. It only lasted about half a second before a protective wall went up. But, for that half a second I was completely happy. It reminded me so much of the pure joy I had while I was pregnant. Laying in bed, rubbing my belly, feeling you move, and fantasizing about our life together was my favorite thing in the world to do. Then the painful memories that that protective wall couldn't quite keep out flooded in. The wall went up pretty fast but it wasn't too bad.
I'm still trying to hold on to that feeling. I hope I can feel it again someday. I desperately want to get pregnant again and I desperately want to feel joy while I am pregnant. I don't want to spend the whole thing being anxious. Maybe the fact that I was able to feel some joy tonight is a good sign. I don't think i'm ready to let that wall down just yet but I can let a little seep through the cracks.
I miss you. I'm happy you're safe and i'll never ever have to worry about you again.
Love,
mom
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