PTSD

Ellie,
Sometimes I feel like I have post traumatic stress disorder. Last night in my dreams I relived those horrible days in the hospital, mostly the C-section. I would get up and even go to the bathroom, come back to bed, and they would start all over again. Your dad says that i'm reliving that part especially because it is less clear to me than anything else. I was so out of it. I was exhausted from being awake for 40 hours and being in labor for 26 of those hours that I was unconscious for most of the operation. I remember making myself wake up a few times. I was shaking so bad when they took me in. They put my arms out perpendicular from my body and I focused so hard on keeping them still. I woke up a few times to see if they were almost done. At one point there was this weird sensation and I had to ask what it was. I kept asking if you were born yet. I wanted to know if there was a cord accident but the doctor told me there wasn't. Your dad sat by my side the entire time and held me and comforted me. The last time I woke up I saw you. You were wrapped up in a blanket and lying on a counter. You were completely still. I stared for a few seconds and closed my eyes and kept them shut until they took me back to my room. That is all I remember. Your dad has told me other things but that is all I can remember. I remember there were a lot of people in there and it took them a long time to get started. I would ask if it was over and they would say that they hadn't even started yet.
Why is this the most traumatic part for me? The little room where we saw your heart not beating and found out were dead should be worse. Sitting in my hospital bed holding you and looking at your poor lifeless body while pictures were being taken should have been worse. Feeling your cold stiff body and looking at your peeling skin when I said goodbye should have been worse. Seeing your tiny casket should have been worse. But no, it was your birth that gives me nightmares. How horrible. That should have been the happiest moment of my life and instead it's clouded with a foggy sleep deprived and drug induced memory full of fear and terrible sadness. Will I ever have a happy birth. All of them will probably be cesarians. Will it be as terrifying or will the sound of a living baby bring happiness and joy to my nightmare? Will it be enough? Will I be able to have that total happiness or will the birth of any future children always be tainted?
I miss you and love you so much. I don't want to have nightmares associated with you. I want to be happy and dream about being with you again.
Last night I was begging you for some sign that I would be happy again. Some sign of the future. I just need to know if I will be able to get pregnant again. It would bring me so much comfort and peace. It's so hard sometimes that we can't see the future. I had a sudden vision in my head of your dad and I holding hands with a little girl who was happily walking and skipping in between us. Last night it just made me sad. I thought about how we won't have that experience with you. It wasn't until this morning that I realized that could have been my sign. Is that that future? Will we get another little girl? Or is that you? Or was it just a figment of my wishful thinking? I don't know. I just know that I have begged God to know the future many times in the past and it has never truly been what I needed. He really does know best.
I miss you so much. I don't know why this had to happen to us. I am part of the worst club in the world. But I am a mom and that is the best club in the world. You are my little girl and I love you.
mom