Ellie,
I don't even know what to write right now. I feel like i'm in a rut. I've had a cold and I haven't been able to work out like I want to because i've been so drained. I've been eating crappy again because i'm lazy. I just don't feel like life is going anywhere right now. I think i'm just down right now because I can't sleep. I'm also trying to go off my meds. My counselor suggested I stay on them through the holidays but I don't really want to. I want to have them out of my system before we start trying to get pregnant again in December. So, i'm trying to wean myself off now so I can learn to deal on my own without them so maybe I can get strong enough to handle the holidays.
Things are actually going pretty good I guess. I only cry about once a week now. It's still hard. I still miss you terribly but I am also happy a lot. My day usually goes pretty well. I'm actually really enjoying my work. I'm really trying to be the best teacher I possibly can. It's like i've substituted these students for my own kids. I'm trying to do the best for them that I can which means i'm enjoying it more.
I love being home with your dad but there are always so many more reminders here. Not that I want to forget you I just want to not be sad. This weekend is the anniversary of your conception. I know it's weird to think of but starting now i'm going to be thinking "this time last year..." October 25th will be particularly difficult. That's the day we found out we were pregnant. The most happy day of my life. I wouldn't give it up for anything. I will never forget that day.
I don't know all the reasons we had to go through this but I do know that God has His own plan and, I know it's cliche to say, but he truly does work in mysterious ways. Mysterious only to us I guess. He knows what's going on. Why am I so forgetful? It has been so hard for me to read my scriptures and pray often. I don't know why. I'm just lazy and would rather wallow in self pity I guess. I know though that when I am reading my scriptures and praying that is when I feel best. Why do I deny myself of that proven relief and comfort? Maybe I can just chalk it up to Satan and his followers misdirecting me. I don't do bad things but I also don't do the things I should be doing. It's a slippery slope that I know all to well. I don't want to fall down there again. I need to continue to be valiant and strong.
I need to so I can be with you for all time.
I love you. I miss you so much.
mom