pioneers

Ellie,
I've been thinking a lot about trials the last few months. The first thing that always comes to my mind when I think of trials is the pioneers. I have always admired their strength. I never understood how they could go through what they went through. They were so strong. I have always felt blessed to be born now. I didn't think I could survive their experiences. I've always believed, and I still do, that those were very special people put aside for that calling in life.
I in no way compare our trial to those of the pioneers. I still feel blessed to have the blessings I have. But, as we've gone through our trial i've heard people tell us things that I have thought about the pioneers. People tell me I am strong. They ask how we deal with it. They acknowledge how blessed they are. I have come to realize that the pioneers weren't necessarily strong beforehand. They loved the gospel, they loved their family, they fought for their lives, and they loved God. They did what had to be done and got stronger before it. I think if I had been born then I would have done it to. It's what was needed to be done to survive.
How do I get by? How do I deal? I just do. What's the other option? To give up? To stop living? No, we put one foot in front of the other and, to quote Sleepless in Seattle, we breathe in and out. We live. It hurts sometimes but we must move on. We must survive. I wish terribly that it didn't have to be without you, but that's the way it is and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing. I must move on. I must live my life. I can't quit.
These things I know to be true: I am a mom, I am your mom, I will see you and hold you again, I love you.
I miss you
Mom