Blind sided

Ellie,
Tonight I was blind sided by grief. Just when I think i'm doing better I lose it and then lose all faith in myself. I guess it's been kind of an emotional week. Sunday was your 3 month birthday. We went to see Grandma and Grandpa but didn't have time to go and see you. With the news that my friend and fellow angel mama is pregnant it has gotten me thinking about what it will be like to be pregnant. I'm so worried that I won't enjoy it at all. I so loved being pregnant with you and want it to be a happy occasion again. I also found out that some good friends of mine are fostering a brand new baby and there is a good chance they will get to adopt him. I am so happy for them but i'm sad that i'm too depressed and scared to go visit and share in their joy. I'm so worried about how I will react around this baby. I don't know why. I've been around other babies and this one is a boy. I should be okay, but it's just so hard. Maybe I can just right this off as a bad day and I will be fine another day to go and visit. That's what is so frustrating about this. I had a great day today. I hate that it had to end with me balling into my pillow again. I wish I could just turn my mind off. I need to learn some sort of meditation. My mind is too crazy and I stress too much about things. My shoulders have been so tense lately. Your wonderful father has been rubbing them for me every night. It helps but they are still so tight. Yoga is no good. I'm not flexible enough. I just need to learn some techniques to turn my mind off and relax. Maybe I will talk to the counselor about it next week at my appointment.
I love you so much baby girl. I wish I only had good memories of you. Tonight I had horrible flashbacks of losing you. I wish I could just remember all the good memories, but dwelling on those just makes me think of all the good time we will miss together.
I hope so much that you are doing well and are happy.
Love, your mama