Cold

Ellie,
I've got a stupid cold. Isn't it too early in the year for this? I remember last year I got one in October. I remember because I found out I was pregnant with you shortly after and I was worried about all the cold medication I had taken. I also had a cold shortly before you left. That one was pretty miserable because I didn't want to take anything for fear of harming you. I took tylenol every once in a while, that was it. I was really sick that time too. I'm not as bad right now but it makes me think of you.

I really miss being pregnant. I was so miserable for much of the time and I am really enjoying the extra energy I have right now. I am surprised at how much more I can get done when i'm not pregnant or recovering from a c-section. But, I really miss feeling you inside of me and imagining what life was going to be like when you were born. I miss calling your father over to feel  you move. I miss how you fight the ultrasounds techs. You were so stubborn. I miss rubbing my belly and talking to you. Mostly I miss looking forward to a happy future. Right now it's just sad. I don't have much to look forward to.

I'm really dreading the holidays. I know they are going to be hard. I really want to spend time with my family but I know it's going to be hard to be around your cousins. They are so adorable and I love them but I know it's going to make us sad. It's going to be hard to balance what my family wants me to do and what your dad wants to do. He is going to want to be away from them as much as possible and they are going to want us to be near them as much as possible. He doesn't even want to be there for Christmas morning. How do I tell my family that? They will be really disappointed. I hope they will understand.

I am looking forward to trying to get pregnant again. But i've still got a few months and that seems so far away. Even then it will be trying because I will be nervous that we won't be able to get pregnant and then if I do get pregnant I know I will be a basket case. What I really want is to go back in time and do it all over again with you and somehow assure that you lived. I really don't know what I could have done different though and I guess it's useless to think that because it is impossible. I need to make the best of what I have now and hope for happiness in the future.

I love you so much. I can't wait until the day I can hold you.
Love, Mom