Poem

I found this poem on another angel mama's blog. I hope she doesn't mind if I use it. I loved it because it's beautiful, it's so true, and it brings in a little humor.

Why My Mommy Lies

My Mom she tells a lot of lies
She never did before
But from now until the day she dies
She'll tell a whole lot more.

Ask my mom how she is
And because she can't explain
She will tell a little lie
Because she can't describe the pain.

Ask my mom how she is
And she'll say "I'm alright".
If that's the truth, then tell me
why does she cry each night?

Ask my mom how she is
She seems to cope so well
She doesn't have a choice you see
Nor the strength to yell

Ask my mom how she is
"I'm fine", "I'm well", "I'm coping"
For goodness sake mom, just tell the truth
Just say your heart is broken.

She'll love me all her life
I loved her all of mine
But if you ask her how she is
She'll lie and say she's fine.

I am here in Heaven
I cannot hug from here
If she lies to you I'll listen-
Hug her and hold her near.

On the day we meet again
We'll smile and I'll be bold
I'll say, "You're lucky to get in here, Mom
With all the lies you told"!

-unknown author

Jealousy

Ellie,

As I grieve your passing people tell me to not feel guilty for any of the feelings I have. It's all part of the grieving process. However, I can't help but feel guilty for the feelings of jealousy I have. There are so many people out there that have kids and don't really want them. There are women having abortions, teenagers getting pregnant the first time they have sex, women dumping their babies in dumpsters, people who have kids and don't appreciate them, and I even heard about a woman paying someone to beat her so she would miscarry.

All of these I don't feel too guilty about being jealous of. It's when I start feeling jealous of people I love that I start to feel guilty. I'm jealous of my friends who are having babies of their own, i'm jealous of people in my support group that have lost children but also have other children, i'm jealous of my brother and sister-in-law who have given me two beautiful nieces.

Right now i'm really jealous of my good friend and co-worker who is in the same hospital as I was and is having her baby girl right now. (Kate, if you ever read this I am sorry. I am really happy for you and I really don't want to mar your happy occasion because i'm feeling down about it.) We got pregnant around the same time and were due two days apart. For both of us it was our first baby and we were both having girls. We had so much fun being pregnant together. We even had a baby shower together at work. We talked about everything along the way. And now she's in the hospital giving birth to her healthy baby. She will get to hold her and be with her and watch her grow up. I wonder if you and her baby Annie are friends who looked forward to coming down here together.

Jealousy in and of itself isn't so bad. The problem with jealousy is that it's like a gateway feeling. It may start off as mere jealousy but it soon develops into worse feelings. I love all of these people and I don't want to feel these feelings about them. Maybe I can turn these feelings into something good and productive. If you have the answer Ellie please guide me. Please give me strength right now. Sometimes I feel you close by. I need you today Ellie. Help me to be happy for those I love.

Mom

Cokeville

Ellie,

Cokeville is a tiny town in Wyoming where I have spent some of my happiest and some of my saddest days. My grandparents lived in Cokeville for most of my life and we would travel from southern New Mexico to visit them twice a year. Some of my happiest memories are the summers and Christmases we spent there.

The days started turning sour when my grandpa died after a short battle with some very aggressive cancer. I love my grandpa very much and it was pretty horrible when he died. My grandma moved away afterwards and the next memory I have of Cokeville is going up there for my Great Grandma Helen's funeral. Both funerals were cold miserable days.

When you left us Grandma mentioned that they have an extra plot in the Cokeville cemetery right next to my grandpa. It was a hard decision to put you there because we knew you would be 3 hours away from us but it seemed perfect to have you in a place where we had so many emotional ties, and I loved the idea of having you next to my grandpa.

We were driving to Rexburg today to visit your grandma and grandpa and we decided to take the long way around and visit your resting place. I wasn't sure how I feel while I was there. It was only two weeks ago that we laid you to rest. The sod covering your plot still has not taken root. There is not headstone yet to mark your grave. Initially I thought I was going to be okay. Then I imagined your little body in your white casket buried beneath the ground. The same little body that used to be inside of me, the same little body we saw "breathing" and kissing her knees on the ultrasound, the same that used to kick my ribs and press on my diaphragm so I couldn't sing, the same little body that I held still in my arms. The same little body that I should be holding in my arms right now. And I cried. Of course.

It was heart wrenching to leave you but I knew I needed to. The drive to Grandpa and Grandma's house from Cokeville is so amazingly beautiful. It was like God was giving us a gift. I felt like he was saying to me "I can't bless you with your little Ellie but I can give you this".

We will go back and visit you there again. I know it is only the place where we left your empty body but I do feel closer to you there. In a way I wish you were buried nearer to us but then I think it might be bad because I'd spend way too much time there.

I love you very much. I felt very close to you today but also at peace with it. I know you are in a beautiful place and I like to picture you there. I like that you will never feel the sadness, confusion, and pain that is associated with this mortal world. I look forward to seeing you again in a perfect place.

Love,

Mom

SHARE

Ellie,

We went to our first SHARE group meeting last night. They meet the second and fourth Tuesdays of the month. Its kind of a support group for parents who have lost children. They also have a topic for discussion. Last night the topic was friends and family. They gave us a letter that someone had written to their friends and family that detailed how they are grieving and how their friends and family can support them through this time. We are thinking of writing our own version of the letter to give to our friends and family. We may even post it to the blog.

There was only one other couple there last night. Their loss was a little newer than ours but very similar. The only difference was that they had a boy and their loss was earlier in the pregnancy. They also new that his cord had become pinched and that's why they lost him. Other than that their experience was so similar. I cried the whole time they were telling their story. While the parents seemed pretty different from us their grief was very similar. It was really good for me to go and experience that. I remember the mom sobbing as she talked about missing her little boy and how she should have him in her arms. It was like I was looking in a mirror. It reminded me so much of the way I cried and the grief I felt. It was almost like it validated my feelings. I don't feel so alone. It broke my heart to see someone else feeling the pain I feel because I would never wish that on anyone. But I feel more normal now that I saw someone else as bad off as I am.

I don't know why there seem to be so many babies going back up to heaven right now. Your father said there are just so many perfect spirits right now that don't need to come and have this mortal experience, all they need is to have a body for a short period of time. Dad says that he feels you were an unexpected return. Somehow the plan got changed and you were called back early for some reason. He even thinks that you were probably disappointed about having to go back. I like to think that too. Not that I want you to be unhappy but I do want to be missed. I hope that you knew and loved us enough to regret not being able to spend time with us here on earth.

I remember your grandpa talking about this analogy in the hospital. He says he pictures you waiting for you flight and looking at the board with the flight lists. Everything is scheduled to be on time the whole time you are waiting then all of a sudden your flight is cancelled. He said sometimes flights are delayed, rerouted, or cancelled. I have a friend who lost a baby and felt like his flight was just delayed. When she had a baby after that she felt like it was the baby she had miscarried earlier. It's like I was saying earlier. There is no official revelation on what happens with babies who are stillborn because maybe it's a case by case issue. It may not be the same for everyone. We are pretty sure your flight was cancelled. I don't think you will be with us or anyone else here on earth until we get to raise you again in the millennium.

Well, sorry this ended up so long. I really just meant to tell you about the meeting last night and not get so heavy. This kind of stuff is always on my mind. I was telling your dad that I think about you constantly. Losing you and how I can move on is almost literally all I ever think about. So, when I sit down to write I have a lot of thoughts to come out.

I love you and will always miss you,

Mom

Chili's

Today from 3-10 Chili's at Jordan Landing will donate 10% of their proceeds to a group called SHARE. Share is a support group for parents who have lost children. You are supposed to bring a flier, the link is below. We will be there around 5:30 if anyone wants to join us.

file:///Users/sharonrinehart/Desktop/Chili's%20fundraiser.pdf

panic attack

Ellie,

Today your dad had to run an errand without me. Because of the way my leave works I am not allowed to go back to work. There were a couple things that had to be done so your dad went to do them for me. I knew I didn't want to be home alone so I had him take me to Barnes and Noble. I love B&N and I thought I would be fine spending some time there.

He took me in and stayed for a few minutes and looked around. When he left I almost lost it. I kept looking at the books but it was all I could do not to run after him. I wanted to stop him or call him and make him come back for me. I made myself be a big girl and kept looking at the books. I really wanted to cry but I made the tears stay in. I kept looking at the books until I calmed down. I had not idea I was so fragile.

Looking at books has always brought me peace but everything is different now. Everything has changed since we lost you. Things that once brought me joy don't. I guess it's not really everything else that has changed it's me that has changed.

I did end up eventually having a good time. I found a book called the Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy. I think I am going to get that book for the next pregnancy. We don't really know why you died but i'm going to do everything I can to prevent it happening again next time. It will make me feel a bit better to be able to feel like I am doing something different the next time. Logically I know there's nothing I did wrong with you and it's not my fault but that won't really make me feel better next time.

I love you and really wish you could be here with me.

Love,

Mom

nothing new

Ellie, I don't have much new to say to you right now. I just miss you so much. I was having a pretty good day. Then for some reason I decided I needed to look at pictures for you. It's like I won't let myself feel good. I don't know if i'm afraid to forget or what. When i'm feeling fine I make myself remember which makes me cry. When i'm crying I desperately want the pain and sadness to go away. Why do I do this to myself? Looking at pictures of you makes me cry so much but in a weird twisted way it makes me happy. Maybe it's because it validates my feelings. It also confirms to me that you do exist.

I was so out of it from pain killers and exhaustion the night you were born that I barely remember what happened. It all seems like a dream. I guess I like looking at the pictures because it reminds me that it did happen. I did get to hold you. Oh how I wish I had cherished that time with you so much more. Why didn't I hold you closer and never let you go? I wish I had squeezed you and kissed you more.

I remember it was a little odd. You were already dead and that freaked me out a little. I never did get to hold you while you were alive. Holding, cuddling, and kissing a dead baby was a little creepy to me. I hope that someday I will get to hold you.

A friend who recently had a baby girl of her own offered to let me hold her baby so my arms wouldn't feel so empty. I really appreciate the offer and someday I will take her up on it but right now i'm afraid that i'd look like too much of a freak holding her baby and bawling my eyes out. I love her and am very happy for her but i'm afraid it will be too hard for me right now.

I love you baby girl. I can't wait to meet you again.

Love,

Mom

Bills

Ellie,

I haven't gotten the mail in about a week because I was afraid of what I would find in there. There were good and bad things. We got a ton of bills from hospital. SCARY! Your dad says, and I agree, that there should be some sort of guarantee. If our baby doesn't live we shouldn't have to pay anything. It would be worth it if we had you here with us but now we don't have a baby, we have tons of medical bills, and on top of that we had to worry about paying for a funeral.

There were good things in the mail. We got a package, which is always exciting, from a friend of mine. She sent us a beautiful heart box to store memorabilia about you. It was beautiful and very touching. We also got sympathy cards from other friends of ours. I am so amazed at how wonderful everybody has been to us. We've only lived here for less than 3 years and I had no idea how many friends we have. Tons of people came to visit us in the hospital, they brought flowers and gifts. We had people visit us at home and bring us treats and dinner. I will never be able to properly thank everybody. One of the most amazing things was that everybody at work took up a collection for us. They raised so much money that it paid completely for your casket and some of the other burial fees. Aunt Melissa and Uncle Chuck paid for the rest. Your Grandma and Grandpa helped us out a lot too. We were not blessed with our little baby but we have been blessed in so many other ways.

I love you baby girl and I so wish we could have been blessed with you, but if we can't have you I am so grateful for our so many friends and loved ones that have support us.

Love,

Mom

week

Written Saturday, June 25th at 10:28 pm

This week has flown by. On Wednesday I sang at Trinady's graveside service. It was hard but not as hard as I thought it would be. It was good for me to be able to be strong for her family. I actually didn't have as hard of a time as I thought I would. The days following were really hard though.
On Thursday I went to Melissa's house and we went and got a pedicure. Even with that to look forward to I woke up having a very hard day. I felt so empty inside and on the brink of crying the whole time. It was good to get away and get pampered. I did feel better after getting out and being with family and taking my mind off of things.
We didn't really have any plans on Friday but it was pay day so we ended up going out and running errands. Once again I woke up having a rough day. We went to Kneaders for some really unhealthy stuffed French toast. I ended up crying the whole time but once again your daddy helped me. I got some strange looks from people while we sat there and talked and I cried. Your dad is so good at helping me feel better. I told him how worried I was that you wouldn't be part of our family for eternity. I know what church doctrine is on babies that die but I was worried that our circumstances were different because you died before you were born. There is no official doctrine on what happens to your spirit. Will you be reborn to us, to someone else, or will we raise you in the millennium. And what the heck will that be like? Will you get a chance to live a normal life and have a family of your own? I don't know enough about the millennium. That's not really something they teach much about in primary. Your dad says that there isn't much revelation about that. He says that he thinks it might be different for each case. He assured me that he has prayed about our situation and has received revelation for us that you are part of our eternal family and we will get to raise you in the millennium. We talked a lot about resurrection. I need to do more research. He also encouraged me to read the section on stillbirths in Mormon Doctrine. I also realized I feel quite a bit of comfort when I read the scriptures and I haven't read the scriptures enough lately.
After Kneaders we went to Walmart and got the oil changed and did some shopping. Your dad is so cute. He always wants to buy me things to make me happy and to distract me. We got a new video game and I got some earrings. We also got our dad a new white shirt so we can go to the temple.
Today was kind of a quiet day. We stayed inside most of the day. I watched about 8 episodes of a TV show I like. I went to lay down to take a nap and ended up crying pretty heavily. The cat actually followed me into the room which is odd. After I had been crying for a while she came and sat on my chest and started purring. That was really comforting to me. I felt like you had sent her over to me. I needed someone to cuddle and she was a descent substitute for you. I would much rather have you but I know that's not possible right now.
I was still pretty upset and ended up crying a lot more. Your wonderful dad once again came to save the day. Somehow him just holding me and comforting me really helps. He is always able to talk me down and make me feel better. I don't know how he does it. He also doesn't mind doing it over and over again. He told me tonight that he couldn't have gotten through this with anyone else and I feel the same. I believe that we are perfect for each other. I couldn't have gotten through this with anybody but him. I am so grateful for him.
We made the first step to putting your stuff away. After your father comforted me I was feeling really strong so we went in your room and put all of your hanging clothes into one of those bins we bought the other day at Shopko. We also planned what we are going to do with your room and planned how we were going to put stuff away. It was a good first step. That was all I could do though.
I thought of making a quilt of clothes that remind me of you, but it would be a small quilt. You didn't wear many outfits. Only three, and you were buried in one of them.
We went out to eat tonight and there was the cutest family there. They had two boys and two girls. Any maybe it was just a good night for them but they were all so happy and all got along so well. I hope that we have that someday. I will always miss you but I hope we can have that with other children here in this mortal life. My patriarchal blessing tells me that I will be a mother in Zion. Maybe that means that I will only be a mother in the millennium. I don't know if I can wait that long. This is a hard trial. I am sure there are harder but I can't think of them right now. Maybe I need to read about Job again. I know the prophet Joseph and his wife went through the loss of many children too. I should read more about that and how they dealt with it. I should also remember that the Savior has endured all. He knows exactly how I feel.
I noticed with this family at the restaurant that the parents weren't sitting together. I remembered thinking that it was sad seeing families in church and the parents were separated by their children. Your dad says it was just crowd control but I thought it was so sad that the parents didn't want to sit together anymore. Near the end of my pregnancy I was so worried that having you in our lives would change our relationship forever and we would never be as close again. I realize now how wrong I was. Yes, we are changed but we have only grown closer. We love each other more and more deeply than ever before. If you were here now I would put you in between us so we both could cuddle and love you as much as possible.
I don't know where you are or what form you are in but i'm getting better at picturing you as a beautiful young woman. I imagine a perfect girl all in white with black curly hair and dark eyes. You have all of our good parts and none of our bad parts. Your dad thinks that you going back up to heaven was unexpected and that you are probably disappointed that you didn't get to come here and be with us. I hope you are happy. I hope you are with people you love and that you don't miss us too much. I hope you didn't feel any pain the short time you were on this earth and while you died. I don't know how you died or why you died but I can't imagine that you felt any pain. If there is any justice in this world than you didn't feel any pain. I guess there are worse things than feeling physical pain but at this point it's all I can worry about.
I love you Ellie. I hope you are happy. We will see you soon enough. Watch over us, guide us, comfort us. We need you near us as much as you can. Love you baby.
Love,
~Mom

angel mamas

Written Tuesday, June 21st at 11:12 pm

I went to a place today called Wheeler Farms and met with some other Angel Mamas. Nurse Heidi, who took our pictures in the hospital, organized it all. I was really scared to go. I wasn't sure if I was ready or not yet to talk about it. It was a little hard because all of the other moms there had other kids with them. I was the only one without any kids at all. There was another one there who had lost her first but then had more afterwards. It actually ended up being pretty good. I had a pretty good talk with some of them. It was nice to be with other women who had gone through the same or very similar things as me. I think I will continue to meet with them and participate in their blog. If nothing else maybe in the future I will be able to help somebody else get through their tough times.
I didn't cry as much today. I made it all the way until this afternoon. Heidi brought me the discs with your pictures on them and dad and I watched the slideshow video. I started crying then and i've been sad all afternoon and evening since. It just sucks so bad that you had to die. Why can't you be here with us. It just seems not fair. It's not right. You are supposed to be here with us. We were supposed to be holding you right now, not planning on how to go on with our lives without you. I hate that I have to move on without you. It doesn't feel like moving on, it feels like going backwards.
Ghaaaa. I don't need to go through this right now. I really do feel like i'm getting better. Logically I know that this must be part of the plan and that life's not meant to be fair. This is a trial I am meant to be able to endure. All that logical stuff. I know it's true, but i'm still sad. My heart aches.
I caught your dad writing you a song today. He was playing the piano earlier with his headphones on. I didn't think much of it because he does that sometimes. Then later I went in to hug him (I have to do that sometimes, it makes me feel better). I noticed that the song he was working on writing on the computer was named "A Still Birthday". It really surprised me. He said he didn't mean for me to notice. I said it was too sad. I asked if he was writing a song for you but he told me that no, he was writing a song for him. I guess it's something that he needs to do. It's what he likes to do.
I love you Ellie. I miss you. I wish we had more time to get to know each other.
Love, your mama

empty

Written Monday, June 20th at 11:13 pm

I know men and women grieve differently but I've been worrying that I grieve so much more than your dad. I did notice he seemed to have a bit of a hard time yesterday being father's day. It was hard for me too. He is going to be such a good dad. You would have loved him so much. I guess you will or you do. I don't know how much you know him right now. So, he is and will be such a great daddy. I can tell because he is so good to me.
Today I suggested we go to the store and get some storage containers to put your stuff in. We haven't packed anything away yet. One step at a time.
I thought I was having a pretty good day today. I didn't cry much and I seemed to be accepting things pretty well. But, for some reason this evening i've been really struggling. My friends asked me to sing at Trinady's service on Wednesday. I'm really worried about it. I hope I can get through it.
I was thinking tonight about how empty I feel. We were connected in more ways than one. We were literally physically connected. I miss having you inside of me and feeling you kick and move in my belly. I was surprised at how much I would miss that. I think it wouldn't be so bad if I could lay you on my chest and snuggle you. I want to hold you and cuddle you. I want to caress your head and hold you against me. I wish I could feel you again. I guess I really need to accept that's not going to happen unless I go and dig you up. I was telling your dad that I wish I had held you closer and longer. It was hard for me to hold your dead body and now I wish I had snuggled you more. He is wise and reminded me that that wasn't really you. I know it is just the mortal body you left behind. You are somewhere else. But, either way, I still can't hold you and snuggle you. I can't find that physical comfort.
I've been thinking about something else that your dad has said. It never really hit me until tonight. He says that we hurt so much because we love so much. I was never truly convinced I would be a good mom. I didn't think I was good enough. I thought I was too lazy and not capable of the self sacrifice needed to be a good mom. My mom sacrificed everything for us continually. She would do anything for us. I didn't think I could be like that. Now I know I could. Maybe I needed this experience to grow to that point. I would do anything for you. If only I had the chance. I will do anything for any younger sibling you may have. I know now that I will be or that I am a good mom because I know now how much I love. I know because it hurts so bad. If my pain is equal to my love than I must have loved immensely.
I will hopefully fill the emptiness inside of me or maybe the hole will shrink. I need to accept that I can't find that physical comfort so I can work on continuing to heal.
Love you lots little one. (I know the form you are in right now you aren't a little one but I will always think of you as my little one. Even if you did stay here and grew up you would always be my little one. You are my little girl, always.)
Love, mom

Trinady

Written Sunday June 19th at 12:50 pm

We found out last night that our friend's baby died at 3 months old. Just like with you they had no clue anything was wrong. The dad went to check on her in the morning and she was cold. They know of our loss and imagine that you two are together in heaven comforting each other. We cried with the grandma who is our next door neighbor. We are planning on going to visit them today after church. Dad made a comment that they must really need missionaries up in heaven right now.
In a way I do feel stronger because of what they are going through. I know it's a cliche to say this but I believe it more and more. God does work in mysterious ways. I don't pretend to understand his methods and reasonings.
I was having a particularly bad moment the other night where I was crying and mad at God. I was telling your dad that I know God didn't do this to us but he could have prevented it. He must have had some reason for allowing this to happen to us because we don't deserve it. The moment passed and i'm not mad at God anymore. I know he must have his reasons and I may never fully know those reasons. But I do trust him and I have faith that we will be able to be with you again and we will be blessed with other children.
I love you so much ellie girl. I can't wait to meet you again. Watch over us and keep reminding us to be good so we can be together eternally.
love you baby girl.

tomb

Written Saturday June 18th at 1:07 pm

I opened your bedroom door today. It's been so hard for me to handle that i've just kept your door closed. I woke up this morning and didn't cry immediately. I decided I was strong enough today handle it and start moving on. Every time I walk by your door it reminds me that you are gone anyway because the door is closed and it seals off your room and your stuff. It's like a tomb. I opened the tomb and went in today. I looked around and I started planning on how I was going to put all your stuff away and organize things. I like organizing. It felt good to be planning a project. Today I am a little stronger than yesterday. I can't promise that tomorrow I will be even stronger. Tomorrow I might be worse but today I am a little stronger. It doesn't mean I miss you any less. There is still a hole in my hear that aches for you. I love you baby girl. I will always miss you.

love your mama

holes

Written Friday, June 17th at 4:09 pm

We were on the way to the movies today and I was thinking about all the holes there are in my life since you have gone. The biggest hole is in my heart. There is a hole in the car where your car seat should be. There is a hole in my smile when I tell people i'm doing okay. There is a huge hole our apartment where your bedroom is. It's like a black hole. It keeps sucking things in there from all over the apartment. It has pulled in spoons, bibs, bottles, and bottle cleaners from the kitchen. It has pulled in your baby book from the living room. It has pulled in the towels, washcloths, and soap from the bathroom. I stumble upon these things as I live in and clean the apartment. I grab them quickly and close my eyes and put them in your crib. I don't know how long it's going to be before I can go in there and clean things up. I told your dad this morning that we are probably just going to have to leave it that way. He thought it was a good idea. Or, he's probably just saying that to make me happy.

In the movie there was a little boy who had lost his mom. The fast forwarded to two months in the future. I was amazed at how fast time can fly to the future in the movies. In a way I wish I could fast forward four months. The kid had a locket with a picture of him and his mom in it that he kept in his pocket. I thought it would be nice to get a picture of us and put it in a locket for me. In the end of the movie the boy was able to let go of the locket and move on with his life. He told someone in the movie "bad things happen, but you can live." I hope that I can move on someday. It was good for me. I actually really enjoyed that movie.
Last night I was talking to your Grandma and Grandpa. Grandma asked me if the Doctor had prescribed me anything for depression. Grandpa made the point that i'm not depressed, i'm just sad, there is a difference. I'm not sad all the time, I do miss you a lot and I haven't forgotten it but I do have moments of happiness. I love your papa very much and I have grown in love with him even more over the last two weeks than I thought was possible. I enjoy funny movies and TV. I don't really like talking to people right now but I do enjoy some things.
I'm even starting to enjoy remembering you. I looked at pictures of you last night. It wasn't as hard as it was last time. It was touching. I love you and it was good to have that reassurance that you were here. You did exist and my grief is justified.
love you so much baby girl,
mom

pictures

Written Thursday, June 16th at 10:49 pm

Ellie girl,
I was looking at pictures of you today. I know, i'm a glutton for punishment. When we first got those pictures it was more than I could bear, it was too hard to look at them know you were dead in them and that was all I had of you. Someone gave me a picture of Christ holding a baby and that brought me great comfort. I would much rather picture you like that than like you were in the hospital when we took pictures with you. I know that Christ isn't really holding you as an infant because where you are now you are a beautiful young lady, but the picture brings me comfort.
For some reason today I needed to look at the real pictures of you. I wanted to see if you looked anything like me and your dad. I needed to see us in you. And, I know the pictures are altered but I could see you in us and that made me happy.
Then as we were getting ready for dinner tonight your dad made a face that reminded me of you. It made me so happy to recognize that. I think it as the eyes that gave it away. Your eyes are closed in your pictures but they still look like your fathers. We decided you have his eyes and eyelashes, my nose and mouth, and his feet (especially those long skinny toes).
I don't want to forget you, I don't want to forget what you look like. The memory of you looking dead, skin peeling, misshapen head, stiff, and cold may not be the best memory I have of you but it is the only memory I have of you outside of the womb and I will make the best of it.
I love you baby girl and I always will.

~your mom

one day

Written Thursday, June 16th at 7:50 pm

I've realized that I really do need to take it one day at a time. I can't think about the future. It's too much for me to handle right now. People (especially daddy) keep telling me to take it one day or one hour at a time but I didn't really understand that until I realized that it's thinking about the future that is really stressing me out. So, I know that tonight i'm watching the office and playing a video game on my computer. Tomorrow we may go see Super 8 and the Kidman's are taking us out to dinner. Saturday DeAnn is visiting and Sunday I may or may not go to church, I haven't decided yet. Maybe just sacrament meeting. We have plans to go see my family for the 4th of July and that is as far as i've gotten. Those are the plans I have. I can't do more than that. I don't know what my plans are for the future. The doctor says we can start trying to have another kid in 6 months but I can't really think about that yet. I don't know when I will be able to clean out your room and put things away. I need to go get the laundry out of the dryer. I have a plan and it's to not plan past what I can handle.
I love you baby girl. I love you so much. It's amazing how something so small and innocent has changed my life. I will never be the same and I know now that it all seems bad but this experience is making me a better person. I am grateful that I get to be your mom. I wish you were here but i'm glad that I have you in my hear. It's better than never having you.
love, mama

pain

Written Thursday, June 16th 4:09 pm

Ellie baby, I feel so much pain today. I had no idea I could actually feel physical pain. It sucks so bad. I want it to go away. I feel like it's going to be like this forever. Will this ever go away? I don't want to feel like this forever.
Your father is amazing. He really helped me get through a really tough time today. I had a minor panic attack and he held me as I freaked out and cried in hysterics. He prayed for me and gave me many words of comfort. He's been through pain before, not this bad but, he does know how to cope with depression and debilitating pain.
I was freaking out about starting to eat healthy again and counting carbs again. For some reason it was really stressing me out. I finally figured out that it was reminding me too much of when I was pregnant with you. It was a sacrifice but it was so worth it because it was for you.
I do want to get healthy and lose weight so I can be healthy for the next kid. Your dad says I need to take it one step at a time and try not to move fast. Once I accepted that I was able to relax and the pain went away.
Your dad is very goofy and he helped me relax by singing some goofy songs for me and suggesting I watch something silly. So, i'm watching the Office and trying to relax. I also started doing some laundry. It's good for me to have a project to do. We went to see the doctor this morning and he said I was doing good but I really need to relax. Which is hard for me because I need to be doing things to take my mind off of things. I think laundry will be good for me because it's not too hard and it will take a while because we have a lot. And your papa will help me with any hard parts.
I'm getting through this slowly but surely. I'm sure things like that will set me off again. It was really good for me to ball and cry and get it all out. I'm sure I will have tough times ahead still but hopefully I will learn some more coping mechanisms and things will get better.
love mom

what to do?

Written Wednesday, June 15th 22:00 pm

Ellie,
I am now looking forward to two months off of work and nothing to do. The question about what to do with these two months and what to do with my life now has been plaguing me tonight.
I had planned on spending these two months enjoying being a new mommy and spending time getting to know you. Now I have nothing to do and nothing to occupy my time. To make matters worse I am almost bed ridden recovering from the surgery. I can't even clean or organize the apartment like i'd like to. I can't work out. What can I do to occupy my time and take my mind off of losing you? I want to be productive but I can't do anything that interests me while I am in bed recovering. Even after i'm out of bed what can I do? How do I go on? Being your mom had defined me. I knew what I was going to do with my life, I was going to be your mom. I felt like someone productive and I felt like my life was progressing. Now I feel like I am going nowhere.
I guess I do have some goals for the future. I want to be in better health and physical condition before I get pregnant again. I'm going to eat healthier and exercise. I want to have some money saved. We didn't have nearly enough money saved when you were coming. It made things a little stressful. I want your dad to have a job. I want to be able to quit work if my doctor recommends it.
I'm not sure what I can do about the job and the money issue. There's not a whole lot I can do to help your dad get a job, pray I guess. Our money is so tight right now it's going to be really hard to save money, but I will try, but even then there are so many things we need to spend that money on. I know our computer needs and upgrade, the car needs work, and i'd really like to save up to buy you a headstone. If your dad gets a job, it will be easier to save money and get these things paid for.
I have dreams for the future and plans but i'm not sure what I can do about these things now. So I get back to the problem of what to do this summer and what I can do now to progress in my life. I need a project or something I can do now. I have no interest in bettering myself by reading or studying anything. I don't want to learn a new skill unless it's something that will make me money.
I will continue to ponder this dilemma and in the meantime I will find something to occupy my time. I'm trying to watch my favorite movie right now but even that can't entertain me fully (obviously since i'm writing to you again). Maybe when i'm not too depressed something obvious will come to me. I don't want it to be something silly like putting a puzzle together. I want it to be something worthwhile that will improve my life or at least make me feel like I am doing to something that isn't moving backwards or staying stagnant. I was so ready to move on and take that next big step in life and be a parent. Where do I go now?
Mom

complaining

Written Wednesday, June 15th at 7:34 pm

Earlier today I was thinking about how much I complained while I was pregnant with you. If I could go back I would enjoy every second of it and not complain once. The next pregnancy I will enjoy every second kneeling in front of the toilet, every ache and pain, and every finger prick. I love you and logically I know you weren't taken from me because I complained but I wish now that I hadn't complained so much. I would endure a million times worse if I could have you with me.
love you my Eliephant!

miss you

Written Wednesday, June 15th 12:37 am

Ellie,
I can't believe how much I miss you. I never wanted a baby as much as I do now. I have wanted to be a mom as long as I can remember. As we tried for 5 years to get pregnant I thought that I desperately wanted a baby. The pain I felt then is nothing compared to what I feel now. It is so wrong that I can't have you right now. I should be able to hold you and cuddle you. It is so wrong that you aren't with me. I miss you so terribly. I want to hold you. I know that I will see you again but it is so very far away. I have a whole life to live still and I have to do it without you. Will I ever get to see you as a baby? a live baby? I imagine you now as a baby in heaven but I know that's not true. I know you are in heaven but your spirit isn't as a baby it's as a grown woman. I'm sure I will love that grown woman but I will always miss holding you as a baby. They say in the Millenium I will get a chance to raise you but i'm not sure what that means. Will we
actually start as mother and baby and raise you like a normal child? Or will it be something completely different? I don't know. I guess I will have to do some research.
I desperately want to have another baby but I don't want you to think that I am replacing you. I could never replace you. You will always be my Ellie, my firstborn. My first beloved child. And I will never forget you my darling.
Love,
your mama

Letters to Ellie

Before Ellie was born we created an email account for her. Bobby and I started writing letters to her. After she died it became a way for me to grieve. I started writing her letters about how I was feeling every day. Lately i've been reading blogs and websites online about parents who have lost children. It has really helped me to read other people's stories. I decided to make my grieving and healing process public in the hopes that it will help somebody who is going through the same thing. I am going to post the letters I have already written to her. Some of the things I have written are very personal. Please be respectful and understand that sometimes this process is bumpy and messy.

Helpful article

A friend of mine sent this article to me on facebook. It as kind of a revelation for me so I thought I would share it all with you. I hope I am doing this right. I don't really see another way to attach this article. I hope this works.

http://www.reviewjournal.com/lvrj_home/2006/Feb-26-Sun-2006/living/5987837.html

New

Hi all, so i'm kind of new at this blogging thing but I thought i'd give it a try. I hope you enjoy my updates. I will try to keep things here interesting. Thanks for following along!