what to do?

Written Wednesday, June 15th 22:00 pm

Ellie,
I am now looking forward to two months off of work and nothing to do. The question about what to do with these two months and what to do with my life now has been plaguing me tonight.
I had planned on spending these two months enjoying being a new mommy and spending time getting to know you. Now I have nothing to do and nothing to occupy my time. To make matters worse I am almost bed ridden recovering from the surgery. I can't even clean or organize the apartment like i'd like to. I can't work out. What can I do to occupy my time and take my mind off of losing you? I want to be productive but I can't do anything that interests me while I am in bed recovering. Even after i'm out of bed what can I do? How do I go on? Being your mom had defined me. I knew what I was going to do with my life, I was going to be your mom. I felt like someone productive and I felt like my life was progressing. Now I feel like I am going nowhere.
I guess I do have some goals for the future. I want to be in better health and physical condition before I get pregnant again. I'm going to eat healthier and exercise. I want to have some money saved. We didn't have nearly enough money saved when you were coming. It made things a little stressful. I want your dad to have a job. I want to be able to quit work if my doctor recommends it.
I'm not sure what I can do about the job and the money issue. There's not a whole lot I can do to help your dad get a job, pray I guess. Our money is so tight right now it's going to be really hard to save money, but I will try, but even then there are so many things we need to spend that money on. I know our computer needs and upgrade, the car needs work, and i'd really like to save up to buy you a headstone. If your dad gets a job, it will be easier to save money and get these things paid for.
I have dreams for the future and plans but i'm not sure what I can do about these things now. So I get back to the problem of what to do this summer and what I can do now to progress in my life. I need a project or something I can do now. I have no interest in bettering myself by reading or studying anything. I don't want to learn a new skill unless it's something that will make me money.
I will continue to ponder this dilemma and in the meantime I will find something to occupy my time. I'm trying to watch my favorite movie right now but even that can't entertain me fully (obviously since i'm writing to you again). Maybe when i'm not too depressed something obvious will come to me. I don't want it to be something silly like putting a puzzle together. I want it to be something worthwhile that will improve my life or at least make me feel like I am doing to something that isn't moving backwards or staying stagnant. I was so ready to move on and take that next big step in life and be a parent. Where do I go now?
Mom