Cokeville

Ellie,

Cokeville is a tiny town in Wyoming where I have spent some of my happiest and some of my saddest days. My grandparents lived in Cokeville for most of my life and we would travel from southern New Mexico to visit them twice a year. Some of my happiest memories are the summers and Christmases we spent there.

The days started turning sour when my grandpa died after a short battle with some very aggressive cancer. I love my grandpa very much and it was pretty horrible when he died. My grandma moved away afterwards and the next memory I have of Cokeville is going up there for my Great Grandma Helen's funeral. Both funerals were cold miserable days.

When you left us Grandma mentioned that they have an extra plot in the Cokeville cemetery right next to my grandpa. It was a hard decision to put you there because we knew you would be 3 hours away from us but it seemed perfect to have you in a place where we had so many emotional ties, and I loved the idea of having you next to my grandpa.

We were driving to Rexburg today to visit your grandma and grandpa and we decided to take the long way around and visit your resting place. I wasn't sure how I feel while I was there. It was only two weeks ago that we laid you to rest. The sod covering your plot still has not taken root. There is not headstone yet to mark your grave. Initially I thought I was going to be okay. Then I imagined your little body in your white casket buried beneath the ground. The same little body that used to be inside of me, the same little body we saw "breathing" and kissing her knees on the ultrasound, the same that used to kick my ribs and press on my diaphragm so I couldn't sing, the same little body that I held still in my arms. The same little body that I should be holding in my arms right now. And I cried. Of course.

It was heart wrenching to leave you but I knew I needed to. The drive to Grandpa and Grandma's house from Cokeville is so amazingly beautiful. It was like God was giving us a gift. I felt like he was saying to me "I can't bless you with your little Ellie but I can give you this".

We will go back and visit you there again. I know it is only the place where we left your empty body but I do feel closer to you there. In a way I wish you were buried nearer to us but then I think it might be bad because I'd spend way too much time there.

I love you very much. I felt very close to you today but also at peace with it. I know you are in a beautiful place and I like to picture you there. I like that you will never feel the sadness, confusion, and pain that is associated with this mortal world. I look forward to seeing you again in a perfect place.

Love,

Mom