This week has flown by. On Wednesday I sang at Trinady's graveside service. It was hard but not as hard as I thought it would be. It was good for me to be able to be strong for her family. I actually didn't have as hard of a time as I thought I would. The days following were really hard though.
On Thursday I went to Melissa's house and we went and got a pedicure. Even with that to look forward to I woke up having a very hard day. I felt so empty inside and on the brink of crying the whole time. It was good to get away and get pampered. I did feel better after getting out and being with family and taking my mind off of things.
We didn't really have any plans on Friday but it was pay day so we ended up going out and running errands. Once again I woke up having a rough day. We went to Kneaders for some really unhealthy stuffed French toast. I ended up crying the whole time but once again your daddy helped me. I got some strange looks from people while we sat there and talked and I cried. Your dad is so good at helping me feel better. I told him how worried I was that you wouldn't be part of our family for eternity. I know what church doctrine is on babies that die but I was worried that our circumstances were different because you died before you were born. There is no official doctrine on what happens to your spirit. Will you be reborn to us, to someone else, or will we raise you in the millennium. And what the heck will that be like? Will you get a chance to live a normal life and have a family of your own? I don't know enough about the millennium. That's not really something they teach much about in primary. Your dad says that there isn't much revelation about that. He says that he thinks it might be different for each case. He assured me that he has prayed about our situation and has received revelation for us that you are part of our eternal family and we will get to raise you in the millennium. We talked a lot about resurrection. I need to do more research. He also encouraged me to read the section on stillbirths in Mormon Doctrine. I also realized I feel quite a bit of comfort when I read the scriptures and I haven't read the scriptures enough lately.
After Kneaders we went to Walmart and got the oil changed and did some shopping. Your dad is so cute. He always wants to buy me things to make me happy and to distract me. We got a new video game and I got some earrings. We also got our dad a new white shirt so we can go to the temple.
Today was kind of a quiet day. We stayed inside most of the day. I watched about 8 episodes of a TV show I like. I went to lay down to take a nap and ended up crying pretty heavily. The cat actually followed me into the room which is odd. After I had been crying for a while she came and sat on my chest and started purring. That was really comforting to me. I felt like you had sent her over to me. I needed someone to cuddle and she was a descent substitute for you. I would much rather have you but I know that's not possible right now.
I was still pretty upset and ended up crying a lot more. Your wonderful dad once again came to save the day. Somehow him just holding me and comforting me really helps. He is always able to talk me down and make me feel better. I don't know how he does it. He also doesn't mind doing it over and over again. He told me tonight that he couldn't have gotten through this with anyone else and I feel the same. I believe that we are perfect for each other. I couldn't have gotten through this with anybody but him. I am so grateful for him.
We made the first step to putting your stuff away. After your father comforted me I was feeling really strong so we went in your room and put all of your hanging clothes into one of those bins we bought the other day at Shopko. We also planned what we are going to do with your room and planned how we were going to put stuff away. It was a good first step. That was all I could do though.
I thought of making a quilt of clothes that remind me of you, but it would be a small quilt. You didn't wear many outfits. Only three, and you were buried in one of them.
We went out to eat tonight and there was the cutest family there. They had two boys and two girls. Any maybe it was just a good night for them but they were all so happy and all got along so well. I hope that we have that someday. I will always miss you but I hope we can have that with other children here in this mortal life. My patriarchal blessing tells me that I will be a mother in Zion. Maybe that means that I will only be a mother in the millennium. I don't know if I can wait that long. This is a hard trial. I am sure there are harder but I can't think of them right now. Maybe I need to read about Job again. I know the prophet Joseph and his wife went through the loss of many children too. I should read more about that and how they dealt with it. I should also remember that the Savior has endured all. He knows exactly how I feel.
I noticed with this family at the restaurant that the parents weren't sitting together. I remembered thinking that it was sad seeing families in church and the parents were separated by their children. Your dad says it was just crowd control but I thought it was so sad that the parents didn't want to sit together anymore. Near the end of my pregnancy I was so worried that having you in our lives would change our relationship forever and we would never be as close again. I realize now how wrong I was. Yes, we are changed but we have only grown closer. We love each other more and more deeply than ever before. If you were here now I would put you in between us so we both could cuddle and love you as much as possible.
I don't know where you are or what form you are in but i'm getting better at picturing you as a beautiful young woman. I imagine a perfect girl all in white with black curly hair and dark eyes. You have all of our good parts and none of our bad parts. Your dad thinks that you going back up to heaven was unexpected and that you are probably disappointed that you didn't get to come here and be with us. I hope you are happy. I hope you are with people you love and that you don't miss us too much. I hope you didn't feel any pain the short time you were on this earth and while you died. I don't know how you died or why you died but I can't imagine that you felt any pain. If there is any justice in this world than you didn't feel any pain. I guess there are worse things than feeling physical pain but at this point it's all I can worry about.
I love you Ellie. I hope you are happy. We will see you soon enough. Watch over us, guide us, comfort us. We need you near us as much as you can. Love you baby.
Love,
~Mom
On Thursday I went to Melissa's house and we went and got a pedicure. Even with that to look forward to I woke up having a very hard day. I felt so empty inside and on the brink of crying the whole time. It was good to get away and get pampered. I did feel better after getting out and being with family and taking my mind off of things.
We didn't really have any plans on Friday but it was pay day so we ended up going out and running errands. Once again I woke up having a rough day. We went to Kneaders for some really unhealthy stuffed French toast. I ended up crying the whole time but once again your daddy helped me. I got some strange looks from people while we sat there and talked and I cried. Your dad is so good at helping me feel better. I told him how worried I was that you wouldn't be part of our family for eternity. I know what church doctrine is on babies that die but I was worried that our circumstances were different because you died before you were born. There is no official doctrine on what happens to your spirit. Will you be reborn to us, to someone else, or will we raise you in the millennium. And what the heck will that be like? Will you get a chance to live a normal life and have a family of your own? I don't know enough about the millennium. That's not really something they teach much about in primary. Your dad says that there isn't much revelation about that. He says that he thinks it might be different for each case. He assured me that he has prayed about our situation and has received revelation for us that you are part of our eternal family and we will get to raise you in the millennium. We talked a lot about resurrection. I need to do more research. He also encouraged me to read the section on stillbirths in Mormon Doctrine. I also realized I feel quite a bit of comfort when I read the scriptures and I haven't read the scriptures enough lately.
After Kneaders we went to Walmart and got the oil changed and did some shopping. Your dad is so cute. He always wants to buy me things to make me happy and to distract me. We got a new video game and I got some earrings. We also got our dad a new white shirt so we can go to the temple.
Today was kind of a quiet day. We stayed inside most of the day. I watched about 8 episodes of a TV show I like. I went to lay down to take a nap and ended up crying pretty heavily. The cat actually followed me into the room which is odd. After I had been crying for a while she came and sat on my chest and started purring. That was really comforting to me. I felt like you had sent her over to me. I needed someone to cuddle and she was a descent substitute for you. I would much rather have you but I know that's not possible right now.
I was still pretty upset and ended up crying a lot more. Your wonderful dad once again came to save the day. Somehow him just holding me and comforting me really helps. He is always able to talk me down and make me feel better. I don't know how he does it. He also doesn't mind doing it over and over again. He told me tonight that he couldn't have gotten through this with anyone else and I feel the same. I believe that we are perfect for each other. I couldn't have gotten through this with anybody but him. I am so grateful for him.
We made the first step to putting your stuff away. After your father comforted me I was feeling really strong so we went in your room and put all of your hanging clothes into one of those bins we bought the other day at Shopko. We also planned what we are going to do with your room and planned how we were going to put stuff away. It was a good first step. That was all I could do though.
I thought of making a quilt of clothes that remind me of you, but it would be a small quilt. You didn't wear many outfits. Only three, and you were buried in one of them.
We went out to eat tonight and there was the cutest family there. They had two boys and two girls. Any maybe it was just a good night for them but they were all so happy and all got along so well. I hope that we have that someday. I will always miss you but I hope we can have that with other children here in this mortal life. My patriarchal blessing tells me that I will be a mother in Zion. Maybe that means that I will only be a mother in the millennium. I don't know if I can wait that long. This is a hard trial. I am sure there are harder but I can't think of them right now. Maybe I need to read about Job again. I know the prophet Joseph and his wife went through the loss of many children too. I should read more about that and how they dealt with it. I should also remember that the Savior has endured all. He knows exactly how I feel.
I noticed with this family at the restaurant that the parents weren't sitting together. I remembered thinking that it was sad seeing families in church and the parents were separated by their children. Your dad says it was just crowd control but I thought it was so sad that the parents didn't want to sit together anymore. Near the end of my pregnancy I was so worried that having you in our lives would change our relationship forever and we would never be as close again. I realize now how wrong I was. Yes, we are changed but we have only grown closer. We love each other more and more deeply than ever before. If you were here now I would put you in between us so we both could cuddle and love you as much as possible.
I don't know where you are or what form you are in but i'm getting better at picturing you as a beautiful young woman. I imagine a perfect girl all in white with black curly hair and dark eyes. You have all of our good parts and none of our bad parts. Your dad thinks that you going back up to heaven was unexpected and that you are probably disappointed that you didn't get to come here and be with us. I hope you are happy. I hope you are with people you love and that you don't miss us too much. I hope you didn't feel any pain the short time you were on this earth and while you died. I don't know how you died or why you died but I can't imagine that you felt any pain. If there is any justice in this world than you didn't feel any pain. I guess there are worse things than feeling physical pain but at this point it's all I can worry about.
I love you Ellie. I hope you are happy. We will see you soon enough. Watch over us, guide us, comfort us. We need you near us as much as you can. Love you baby.
Love,
~Mom
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