SHARE

Ellie,

We went to our first SHARE group meeting last night. They meet the second and fourth Tuesdays of the month. Its kind of a support group for parents who have lost children. They also have a topic for discussion. Last night the topic was friends and family. They gave us a letter that someone had written to their friends and family that detailed how they are grieving and how their friends and family can support them through this time. We are thinking of writing our own version of the letter to give to our friends and family. We may even post it to the blog.

There was only one other couple there last night. Their loss was a little newer than ours but very similar. The only difference was that they had a boy and their loss was earlier in the pregnancy. They also new that his cord had become pinched and that's why they lost him. Other than that their experience was so similar. I cried the whole time they were telling their story. While the parents seemed pretty different from us their grief was very similar. It was really good for me to go and experience that. I remember the mom sobbing as she talked about missing her little boy and how she should have him in her arms. It was like I was looking in a mirror. It reminded me so much of the way I cried and the grief I felt. It was almost like it validated my feelings. I don't feel so alone. It broke my heart to see someone else feeling the pain I feel because I would never wish that on anyone. But I feel more normal now that I saw someone else as bad off as I am.

I don't know why there seem to be so many babies going back up to heaven right now. Your father said there are just so many perfect spirits right now that don't need to come and have this mortal experience, all they need is to have a body for a short period of time. Dad says that he feels you were an unexpected return. Somehow the plan got changed and you were called back early for some reason. He even thinks that you were probably disappointed about having to go back. I like to think that too. Not that I want you to be unhappy but I do want to be missed. I hope that you knew and loved us enough to regret not being able to spend time with us here on earth.

I remember your grandpa talking about this analogy in the hospital. He says he pictures you waiting for you flight and looking at the board with the flight lists. Everything is scheduled to be on time the whole time you are waiting then all of a sudden your flight is cancelled. He said sometimes flights are delayed, rerouted, or cancelled. I have a friend who lost a baby and felt like his flight was just delayed. When she had a baby after that she felt like it was the baby she had miscarried earlier. It's like I was saying earlier. There is no official revelation on what happens with babies who are stillborn because maybe it's a case by case issue. It may not be the same for everyone. We are pretty sure your flight was cancelled. I don't think you will be with us or anyone else here on earth until we get to raise you again in the millennium.

Well, sorry this ended up so long. I really just meant to tell you about the meeting last night and not get so heavy. This kind of stuff is always on my mind. I was telling your dad that I think about you constantly. Losing you and how I can move on is almost literally all I ever think about. So, when I sit down to write I have a lot of thoughts to come out.

I love you and will always miss you,

Mom