I went to a place today called Wheeler Farms and met with some other Angel Mamas. Nurse Heidi, who took our pictures in the hospital, organized it all. I was really scared to go. I wasn't sure if I was ready or not yet to talk about it. It was a little hard because all of the other moms there had other kids with them. I was the only one without any kids at all. There was another one there who had lost her first but then had more afterwards. It actually ended up being pretty good. I had a pretty good talk with some of them. It was nice to be with other women who had gone through the same or very similar things as me. I think I will continue to meet with them and participate in their blog. If nothing else maybe in the future I will be able to help somebody else get through their tough times.
I didn't cry as much today. I made it all the way until this afternoon. Heidi brought me the discs with your pictures on them and dad and I watched the slideshow video. I started crying then and i've been sad all afternoon and evening since. It just sucks so bad that you had to die. Why can't you be here with us. It just seems not fair. It's not right. You are supposed to be here with us. We were supposed to be holding you right now, not planning on how to go on with our lives without you. I hate that I have to move on without you. It doesn't feel like moving on, it feels like going backwards.
Ghaaaa. I don't need to go through this right now. I really do feel like i'm getting better. Logically I know that this must be part of the plan and that life's not meant to be fair. This is a trial I am meant to be able to endure. All that logical stuff. I know it's true, but i'm still sad. My heart aches.
I caught your dad writing you a song today. He was playing the piano earlier with his headphones on. I didn't think much of it because he does that sometimes. Then later I went in to hug him (I have to do that sometimes, it makes me feel better). I noticed that the song he was working on writing on the computer was named "A Still Birthday". It really surprised me. He said he didn't mean for me to notice. I said it was too sad. I asked if he was writing a song for you but he told me that no, he was writing a song for him. I guess it's something that he needs to do. It's what he likes to do.
I love you Ellie. I miss you. I wish we had more time to get to know each other.
Love, your mama
I didn't cry as much today. I made it all the way until this afternoon. Heidi brought me the discs with your pictures on them and dad and I watched the slideshow video. I started crying then and i've been sad all afternoon and evening since. It just sucks so bad that you had to die. Why can't you be here with us. It just seems not fair. It's not right. You are supposed to be here with us. We were supposed to be holding you right now, not planning on how to go on with our lives without you. I hate that I have to move on without you. It doesn't feel like moving on, it feels like going backwards.
Ghaaaa. I don't need to go through this right now. I really do feel like i'm getting better. Logically I know that this must be part of the plan and that life's not meant to be fair. This is a trial I am meant to be able to endure. All that logical stuff. I know it's true, but i'm still sad. My heart aches.
I caught your dad writing you a song today. He was playing the piano earlier with his headphones on. I didn't think much of it because he does that sometimes. Then later I went in to hug him (I have to do that sometimes, it makes me feel better). I noticed that the song he was working on writing on the computer was named "A Still Birthday". It really surprised me. He said he didn't mean for me to notice. I said it was too sad. I asked if he was writing a song for you but he told me that no, he was writing a song for him. I guess it's something that he needs to do. It's what he likes to do.
I love you Ellie. I miss you. I wish we had more time to get to know each other.
Love, your mama
Sharon, It was so great to meet you. I have been reading your blog and crying. So many of the things you have shared I have felt and still feel. Thank you for sharing Ellie's story and your feelings. It helps us all to heal! I hope you are able to find peace each day(even if it is only for a moment). I think that is what got me through and is getting me through losing both of my little guys. I felt a moment of peace and lived for that next moment I would be filled with peace. I can't wait to see you again.
ReplyDeletelove, Jamie