empty

Written Monday, June 20th at 11:13 pm

I know men and women grieve differently but I've been worrying that I grieve so much more than your dad. I did notice he seemed to have a bit of a hard time yesterday being father's day. It was hard for me too. He is going to be such a good dad. You would have loved him so much. I guess you will or you do. I don't know how much you know him right now. So, he is and will be such a great daddy. I can tell because he is so good to me.
Today I suggested we go to the store and get some storage containers to put your stuff in. We haven't packed anything away yet. One step at a time.
I thought I was having a pretty good day today. I didn't cry much and I seemed to be accepting things pretty well. But, for some reason this evening i've been really struggling. My friends asked me to sing at Trinady's service on Wednesday. I'm really worried about it. I hope I can get through it.
I was thinking tonight about how empty I feel. We were connected in more ways than one. We were literally physically connected. I miss having you inside of me and feeling you kick and move in my belly. I was surprised at how much I would miss that. I think it wouldn't be so bad if I could lay you on my chest and snuggle you. I want to hold you and cuddle you. I want to caress your head and hold you against me. I wish I could feel you again. I guess I really need to accept that's not going to happen unless I go and dig you up. I was telling your dad that I wish I had held you closer and longer. It was hard for me to hold your dead body and now I wish I had snuggled you more. He is wise and reminded me that that wasn't really you. I know it is just the mortal body you left behind. You are somewhere else. But, either way, I still can't hold you and snuggle you. I can't find that physical comfort.
I've been thinking about something else that your dad has said. It never really hit me until tonight. He says that we hurt so much because we love so much. I was never truly convinced I would be a good mom. I didn't think I was good enough. I thought I was too lazy and not capable of the self sacrifice needed to be a good mom. My mom sacrificed everything for us continually. She would do anything for us. I didn't think I could be like that. Now I know I could. Maybe I needed this experience to grow to that point. I would do anything for you. If only I had the chance. I will do anything for any younger sibling you may have. I know now that I will be or that I am a good mom because I know now how much I love. I know because it hurts so bad. If my pain is equal to my love than I must have loved immensely.
I will hopefully fill the emptiness inside of me or maybe the hole will shrink. I need to accept that I can't find that physical comfort so I can work on continuing to heal.
Love you lots little one. (I know the form you are in right now you aren't a little one but I will always think of you as my little one. Even if you did stay here and grew up you would always be my little one. You are my little girl, always.)
Love, mom