Today your dad had to run an errand without me. Because of the way my leave works I am not allowed to go back to work. There were a couple things that had to be done so your dad went to do them for me. I knew I didn't want to be home alone so I had him take me to Barnes and Noble. I love B&N and I thought I would be fine spending some time there.
He took me in and stayed for a few minutes and looked around. When he left I almost lost it. I kept looking at the books but it was all I could do not to run after him. I wanted to stop him or call him and make him come back for me. I made myself be a big girl and kept looking at the books. I really wanted to cry but I made the tears stay in. I kept looking at the books until I calmed down. I had not idea I was so fragile.
Looking at books has always brought me peace but everything is different now. Everything has changed since we lost you. Things that once brought me joy don't. I guess it's not really everything else that has changed it's me that has changed.
I did end up eventually having a good time. I found a book called the Mayo Clinic Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy. I think I am going to get that book for the next pregnancy. We don't really know why you died but i'm going to do everything I can to prevent it happening again next time. It will make me feel a bit better to be able to feel like I am doing something different the next time. Logically I know there's nothing I did wrong with you and it's not my fault but that won't really make me feel better next time.
I love you and really wish you could be here with me.
Love,
Mom
No comments:
Post a Comment